R.I.P. Jack

Recently after 15 years, my family and I had to say goodbye to our Jack🐶😭💔

I'm glad he's free of pain but still sad he's not here and I have to stop myself from asking "where's jack?". I feel like he's just gone out the back or for a walk with my dad or maybe sleeping upstairs🥹

Jack was my dad's shadow. He was a hunter dog through and through but also had so much energy and even in his golden years would snap back into puppy looney zoomy energy. He used to pounce for things and that always made me laugh and whenever he would attack his bed and make his little growls, because a Lazer was pointed at it.😂

Jack would also love to keep you company and open the door when you are in the bog or when you are trying to sleep in your room. 😂

I'll miss him always, thanks for the past 15 years of laughs and barks, R.I.P Jack❤️

Pulling Yourself Out Of A Pit

It's not easy. It's tough. Once you fall into the pit, you feel weak and helpless. All you try and do feels useless. You wake up after a broken sleep, in disrepair and despair from awful dreams. Negative voices and faces come and speak. Filling your head with ill will and unpleasantry.

Those voices tell me; "You are no good for anyone. You are not good enough. You are not fit enough. No one loves you and you are not worth the time and ever feeling love. You are the cause of all the bad. Everything bad in your life is your fault."

The theme of which the voices and past shadow people present is that the abusive language and actions of them is because of my existence, because you I am fat, different, broken and too good in a world full of hate and ugliness and that I should blame myself for their actions against me.

When you get into that pit, when your mind drags you down because things are too good or because too many things are staring down your neck. Just remember to be present and to breathe. It's scary, it's worrying and stressful, let alone frustrating. You always have two options you can let the nastiness play and replay over and over and let it roll you down the hill and into a pit, or you can let it play and roll down a hill and step over it allowing the voices to go into a pit by themselves. Alternatively you can scale that hill and capture those thoughts and feelings of negativity and hold them and continue to scale up the hill and use the negativity as fuel, as a power source to get the hell up and to prove them wrong!

No one said it's easy or that Scotty J would have an easy life. Scotty J would lead a difficult life because he was born into the world with a broken leg and then Scotty J developed Epilepsy from a side effect of an injection. Scotty J spent a lot of his childhood in hospitals and being unable to remember a lot of moments and times and it's not his fault, just the circumstances were unfortunate. Despite the circumstances Scotty J prevailed and continues to live on each and every day. It's not been easy to keep going on despite health issues, family passings, betrayals and heart breaks, but he keeps on going strong. A lot of the traumas of life have been locked away and forgotten about but things get triggered as bad dreams arise and the vault is left ajar, ready for keywords or moments to make the tortured souls near and not far.

Confidence isn't my strong point for it comes and goes in different levels of strength. I overthink and I worry and I Google anything wrong and Catastrophize the worse scenarios. I've pulled myself up out of deeper pits before. I've pulled myself out of pits like this before. It's going to be okay. Tough times don't last but good guys do.

Fuel your fire to beat the pits desire.

You Make Me Feel Alive

Tell me something my dear, how is it that I have lived for 30 years on a planet of 8 billion souls and yet, it's only now I'm discovering I'm actually living. I have no idea how I have made it this far without you, and without this overwhelming feeling of happiness and how sensitive I am to your care, actions and words, that make me tear up from this powerful feeling called love.

Love looked like a fairy tale, It looked luxurious and beautiful. I have seen what I thought was love and I have also been in what felt like love but it was like something not for me with how I was shown and given love.

I'd be yelled at and feeling scared and confused and told it was love. I was hit and shoved and reminded it was just love. I was bullied and belittled and was explained it was coming from a place of love. Yet those examples made me feel low and question myself. It makes me question and overthink myself to this day. There's been people I felt love for but it wasn't really love it was admiration because I felt human in how I was initially treated but alas being too nice for your own good is apparently the worse thing you can be when in this "love". My head makes me want to check and get confirmation and make sure I feel and am treated well and loved and the other person loves me and tells me and shows me. For all these years I've been blindly led through life where being nice only gets you hurt and pain. Trusting someone is hard to do now because of the years of torment my soul has endured and for how much my light in this world has been dulled.

I was told "I love you but" too many times to count where I know the next line will be "I'm seeing someone else or I like someone else". How crushing it is to pour your heart out and to have the water of your heart frozen solid and then crushed to pieces by someone you trusted and thought you loved, or to have that person pull out a knife and stab you in your heart and your brain and to feel one or the two break or snap. I've cried for ages Infront of someone who told me it was over and first it was dread and anxiety leading up to a statement being told to me of how it's over and how then I feel an ice cold dagger pierce my heart and I feel the cold blade shiver my body as my heart begins to get cold and ache. While tears flow furiously from my eyes and I blabber trying to scramble to gain answers as to why this pain is happening and all that I am feeling, my brain snaps and my tears decrease and my pain numbs as I then start laughing and smiling. Reassuring myself that it's all okay and it's fine and that I thank the other for the years we had and wish them well as I depart from their presence never to see them again. You get told "please don't do anything stupid, let me know when you get home safe" and you think to yourself "wow they still care, maybe a friendship could still happen" as you dive in deeper into your delusion.

Through delusion the heartbreak endured and grew worse, then came anger and betrayal and worthlessness, through those things became a downward spiral of ill intent. Through pills, alcohol, food and trauma came a wall of "stop or you won't be here anymore I'm serious" and so the inner mind of sound body and mind came out and instructed me to kill off the memories of pain, close up, burn, seal off all the trauma and that person and time to wise up and become a better person. Although i have been broken for a long time I've never liked seeing anyone sad or hearing they were not doing good so I would always take the mantle of being a star and raising others up and listening and doing whatever I can no matter how big or small a gesture it was to make sure I can make someone's day and someone laugh and smile. Years of pain of bullying of not seeing yourself as worthy of happiness or worthy of love teaches you that no one should feel that way. Looking back at those times why did I allow myself to feel like that for so long?

You close memories and people and seal them off in the back of your minds hoping to never see or hear them again but sealing them away doesn't always work. Someone will remember something, a word or phrase is said or something said in a certain way and even seeing those ghosts of trauma appear really messes with your head. You feel such anxiety and dread, you don't wish them to cause any bad for you or others and you convince yourself you won't ever see or hear these ghosts again but triggers are a powerful part of trauma. The old feelings of hurt reappear but never all consuming, the anxiety is consuming, the memories of the past pain is all that ever appears of how you felt used and betrayed and how someone who was supposed to show you care and what was supposed to be love actually showed you the opposite so you are mad at yourself for allowing to stick with it for so long when you really should have left and endured a possible shorter pain than the path of pain you went on. You always wish if you could go back and do and say something else to avoid those wretched paths that took you through pain but it's important to remember always who you are and where you are and how strong you are for surviving the days you never thought you would.

30 years of life, thinking I'm broken, I'm defective, I'm no good, I'm too nice, overthinking is going to be my killer, I'm going to die at 30 because of my weight, I'm not worthy of happiness and love and then for an old familiar face I loved looking at years ago reappears and wants to sit by this brooding, scarred, old man and is helping nurse his wounds better and asking him questions and genuinely caring about his thoughts and his past and that he is as beautiful still as the day she first saw him. It's really something special. Although I have my fallbacks and feel low or not confident in myself or I'm not good enough etc she never sees me differently. She cares always and she smiles and caresses my face and wipes away my tears and snots with her beautiful eyes shining and her warm smile glaring at me. She's a lot like me and I am scared, so scared to hurt and upset her and to lose her. I love her hard and so much than I've ever loved anything in my life. Although my anxious attachment mind needs reassurance and hear and see and feel love she gives 40% of the time, the rest I just know and feel and believe and have never doubted. Sometimes my head gets messy because of my past and I end up thinking paranoid things and I cannot apologise enough for it, my past is not where I am anymore and I am finally alive but the trauma I have been left with just needs me needing more work on myself and needing her help in reassurance and healing hugs to keep it all away. Those scary mean feelings don't happen all the time thankfully but when they do I feel intense in my mind, someone could whisper something as a joke to me and I'll answer with fire breathing back. My angelic ladybug struggles with her own head at times too as she's been through a lot like me and still views herself as not this angelic woman that I've always seen and still see her as. She's told me her pains and shown me her traumatic scars and she's recoiled back from me thinking I'd leave and be disgusted by her when all I've ever been is warm, loving and gentle with her. I love her full stop and I love her without any conditions with my whole heart and soul and I will pour all of me into her always, I'm not half assing things I'm going full gear and I need her, I want her, I crave her in all forms. Despite how glorious making love is, sex isn't something I always want or care about, it's not what I want every day all the time with her, it's not about sex. It's about the love, the connection, the care and support and holding her and being held by her that matters the utmost to me. I've been a beast for years and lived like a zombie with no care and so much self hate towards myself. This woman is mine and she has opened my eyes to a whole new world, she has made my heart beat once again and become warm, she puts bandages and plasters on my mind and she keeps my soul warm. She is the apple of my eye, the sunshine in my grey days, the moon that glistens with the stars, the water to my crops, the missing piece of my heart, my soulmate, my warrior, my princess, my woman, my wife. No matter how many miles apart we have been, she has always made it clear and she has a mission to keep in touch with me. It's something I never expected because I never had this happen before with someone needing to talk to me every single day without fail and when they are super busy or stressed out, for my special lady to always be in touch with me makes me feel so honoured and special and makes me feel so loved and appreciated. I never get bored and I never get sick of her no matter how long it's been and how long we been talking and spending time together each day. I have needed her for the longest time and I'm so thankful and grateful I finally have her and get to spend so much time and my life with her. I wish to marry her, to live with her, to have our own family and I've never wanted those parts of my life to start more than I have right now. Wish I could fast forward to raising our son or daughter in the air and teaching them how the world works and about the importance of good manners and being kind. I want to fast forward to seeing our childrens children too, I want it all and I want it now quite frankly my dear. When we are apart I miss her like mad and I cant wait for things to get easier and I can't wait to see her. I miss her straight away when she leaves to go home or go away. I've never missed someone so much and needed time with someone so much. I am always made to feel safe, cared, loved, happy, heard and seen by her and with her. I love and appreciate her more than I can ever say. I hope she knows it and remembers each day, I wish for her to remember each and every day of my love and of how special she is to me and how I wish she could borrow my eyes and see herself through mine to see she needs not be hard on herself and that she truly is the gorgeous,sweet, kind, loving, caring, attentive angel I see every single day. We will always give eachother our best and treat everything equally and always support and love eachother every day without fail because it's natural to us to give to eachother so we love just like breathing we just do for eachother. We will always be there for eachother through thick and thin from this life to the next and more for our souls with intertwine like a fabled red invisible string where we are connected forever and ever. I love you baby❤️xxx

I have been there (original poem) BY SJones

The bottom of a bottle
I have been there

The bottom of a hole
I have been there

Feeling worthless
I have been there

Pushing everyone away
I have been there

Laying on the cold floor
I have been there

Stared down the bottom of a barrel
I have been there

Stuck in a hurricane of negative thoughts
I have been there

Crippled unable to move
I have been there

Depression, I know it's name
Because I have been there.....

Top 10 Twenty One Pilots Songs

Now then, it is no secret at all, I LOVE TWENTY ONE PILOTS! 

Seriously! Their music is out of this world to me and a great source of happiness, fascination and inspiration. I love all of their albums, SERIOUSLY ALL OF THEIR SONGS TOO! BLURRYFACE is a masterpiece of an album for me.

Vessel recently hit 10 years old so what better time to do this list. 

This will be a tough task, BUT I am shocked that I have not already made a 21P list before, 

SO HERE WE GO!

Twenty One Pilots are an American musical duo from Columbus, Ohio. Initially a band, the group was formed in 2009 by lead vocalist Tyler Joseph along with Nick Thomas and Chris Salih, who both left in 2011. Since their departure, the line-up has consisted of Joseph and drummer Josh Dun.

#10 - Chlorine

Already at number 10 on my list, I am struggling to pick songs. Chlorine I am placing here because it's a strong catchy song with very memorable flow and instrumentals. This one is very much Tyler speaking out on his battles with mental health and with anxiety/depression/ocd. 

#9 - The Outside

OK we are on Scaled & Icy album now and man that album has some underrated bangers that need to be widely discussed more and this is one of them. This is pretty much a catchy chill but dance kinda vibe to it. The lyrics talk about being tired and taping one's eyes on a long drive because they don't want to sleep while driving. Maybe it's about the party lifestyle since when it breaks down into the rap part of the song maybe that's the trip happening and obviously this song sings about people nodding their heads and moving up and down and taking hits to join the club because you want to be part of the gang and not on The Outside as it were. Also not long after the rap part it seems like the lyrics no longer care because the person in question is happy vibin' on their own and nothing can stop them. 

#8 - Legend

Back to Trench with this absolute beautiful song dedicated to Tyler's grandad. I resonate strongly with the lyrics, this does and has made me cry as I think about my grandparents and basically putting myself in Tyler's shoes. It's a sad one but has a Cherie undertones because Tyler has accepted the grief and just know he will meet his Grandad in the future at the pearly gates. 

#7 - Guns For Hands

It's time to go to Vessel with Guns For Hands, beautiful and catchy and damn powerful. On the commentary for this track Tyler had this to say; "Guns for Hands is talking about I want to tell you that I know you have the ability to hurt yourself. You do. You have that ability. I feel like a lot of the older generation when they hear about someone struggling with it, their first reaction is like, “No, you’re not, you’re not struggling with that. Don’t think about that, you know, think about something else, you know, you’re just trying to get attention.” But this song was really trying to say like; “Listen, I know you have the ability to hurt yourself. I recognize that, but let’s take that energy and let’s point it at something else, let’s divert that, lets kind of shift that momentum and look at something like art, or something like this music specifically, or even point it at me, you know, just point it anywhere, but don’t point it at yourself.” And so that’s what that song’s saying and that song will always be important to me. And I’m not a professional when it comes to this topic, but I write songs, and I feel like someone should say something about it."

#6 - Fake You Out

Another Vessel track with this synth poppy sound with quiet gentle piano played in because this is Fake You Out. Again it's a great catchy song, and you can't help yourself join in with the "fake,fake,fake,fake" parts haha. Tyler said this about the track; "I was really excited about this one when I first started writing it. I think that the melody inside the verses is one of my favourite melodies where it goes to falsetto. I think that a lot of times I feel like writers slack on verses when it comes to melody. I feel like it’s like “these are my verses, this is kind of the part where people wait for the chorus.” And I’ve always felt like why not have the verses—the melody of the verses be just as infectious as the chorus? So I’m proud of this song in that way. Also, you know, it does the whole, you know, mash-up genre thing that everyone is freaking out about. Truly, I just didn’t know that there were rules to songwriting and, you know, so I just worked on transitioning from one genre to the next. I wanted to hear a song that did that. I’ve never heard a song do that before, I want to hear that, so I made that."

#5 - Shy Away

Fun fact this was my ringtone for the majority of 2021 haha. This was the first single released from SAI, and it delivered a new laid-back like sound to us fans which we were not really expecting after Trench but hey WE ATE IT UP AND LOVED IT AND DEMANDED MORE! The song was written by Tyler Joseph and mainly produced on his home studio as a form of tutorial for his younger brother, Jay Joseph, on how to operate all stages of a song during the recording process (writing, composing, producing). Tyler also explored elements of the electric guitar for the song, which was a barely used instrument by him, previously first used on "Level of Concern". When Tyler was first working on the voice memo of the song, his one-year daughter, Rosie Joseph, made a cooing noise in the background, which Joseph decided to keep in the very beginning of the track, for loving her being a part of the creative process in some way. The song was created while communicating virtually as the COVID-19 pandemic limited interaction between the band members. Specifically, this was the first time Josh Dun recorded his drums takes all on his own, with no sound engineers to help him or any studio assistance.

#4 - Mulberry Street

Ah-ah-ah yeah! Here we go with a chill laid back and catchy song which I adore. I always enjoy a sing and dance to this one. Tyler said this about the song; "There was a street in New York City where Little Italy is, and the first time that I ever kind of left Ohio. My manager, at the time, we had some meetings with like, record labels and stuff, and it was just a classic kid going to the big city moment. I took Josh and I, and a couple of friends to Little Italy, and we had this, you know, it was just like this, ‘I've never felt more out of place in my life being in New York City.’ Eat at some, you know, like we're going to go get some pizza. ‘This isn't the pizza I’m used to.’ You know, just something that simple, kind of really reminding you that you're not home any more. And so, this song to me was like, very, I wanted to imagine that feeling again."

#3 - Lane Boy

Alright top 3 time bay-bay and so my top 3 are from the same album *SPOILER ALERT* hehe. I cannot help myself this album is a masterpiece, I own 3 copies of the album because I have played 2 cd's to hell and they are so scratched up it is insane! Alright Blurryface so which one will take number 3? Well don't trust a perfect person and don't trust a song that's flawless. LANE BOY! Tyler is having none of it if you think 21P are going to stay in the same lane. Tyler & Josh attempt to explain a musical style that seems to change with every Blurryface single. The songs are intense and interesting, and this one, musically especially, is supercharged, a good match for the aggressive lyrics. The song describes the band's break from the direction of the music industry as well as a commitment to an entrepreneurship that doesn't focus on money. As you can hear, "Lane Boy" is unique among Twenty-One Pilots songs. The drums are still intense and, at times, a driving, reggae-style off-beat continues to come out strong. But otherwise, the BPM is faster than most of their songs, the vocal effects are fairly new, and the lyrics are some of the most pointed and aggressive they've written. The music in "Lane Boy" is unique, and so is the message.

#2 - Ride

Alright so I cannot state enough on how TOUGH this is for me to make but taking my 2nd place is Ride. The theme with this one even though it is pretty upbeat is that this about that time in your life where you feel down and out and like nothing matters, you have suicidal thoughts and anxiety and depression riddles your mind that is why the lines of "I've been thinking too much (help me)" repeats. I have been there. This song also about taking your time on this ride we call life.

#1 - Stressed Out

My name's Blurryface and I care what you think. Of course, I am going to put what is possibly my most listened to song of 21P as my number 1. The lyrics hit and connect strongly with me and I love the instrumentals, it's a chill song but has nostalgia sprinkled in along with a feeling of longing of that sadness of how far away we have come from being children and having that vast imagination and just knowing how good those old days were compared to adult life.

Alright and that's my list, it was incredibly difficult to put together given how much I freaking love 21P BUT hey what can I say? Right now these blurryface'd tunes are my current top 10 BUT this list will no doubt always revolve and change as we get new songs from the lads.

Thanks for reading, give it a share and feel free to follow or bookmark my blog to see more content!

Stay Blurry!

Walk A Day In My Shoes

*****WARNING! THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS AND TRIGGERING BLOG POST! THIS POST TALKS ABOUT GRIEF, DEPRESSION, MENTAL HEALTH, AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS! READ AT YOUR OWN CAUTION!*****

My mind has been in unrest, I have been having a harder time than normal to switch off my brain and to close my eyes and slip away to the land of sleep. How normal is it to think about killing yourself? I ask you this very big important question. 

Is it OK to think so once a day or every so often? Maybe? I mean I am no judge or councillor to tell you that answer. I have days when I think about dying, my death. Likewise, I have days where, I feel like I want to self delete. Is that healthy? Why do I think or feel like self deleting when my mental health gets bad? 

Well I will tell you the truth, It's because my head is noisy, and I cannot control the tornado of voices of heavy negativity in my head. The voices will be mine or a version of me or even worse, the voices will be of loved ones or former lovers and them telling me stupid things or my mind remembering memories or certain things being triggered and then my mind is playing the moments or conversations over in my head. 

"You control your own mind, not it controlling you" - See that? That's a good statement, for the strong-minded or strong-willed. That sentence or telling someone to think about something else, a happier time just does not work. Words or actions don't work all the time. Distractions such as video games or books or movies or music will only ever last so long because when you need to switch all off and settle to sleep, no matter how many times you close your eyes and listen to the silence that it can become too noisy and too flashy with its negative or even scary images that flash in the darkness of your eyelids to keep you awake. 

You know, keeping me awake and driving me insane lately is just trying to figure myself out and what I am doing and hell that stupid interrogation like question of "Who are you?". Who am I? I know my name and I know what kind of manners and heart I have or have had. I tend to be kind, caring, loving, soft, emotional, sensitive, smart, funny, polite and self-less. 

The past 4 years all that has remained to me is the pain. Pain from giving so much of myself for someone else to try and make and even, to keep them happy. The pain from rejection and broken up with, pain from being stone walled, guilt-tripped and used. Unrequited love pain. I see memories and I hear voices of past conversations and moments and some are just ones that may seem nice or like they don't matter or mean anything, but I guess they did to me, and they bring me anger from the pain. There's regretful pain, there are things I should have said or done sooner or realised much quicker. I should have turned my heart off and my love of giving and of trying to help someone and make them happy or laugh. If I had turned off those amazing beautiful qualities of mine, well that would not have been me, would it? 

Who am I again? Am I this hot headed, cold blooded, anger fuelled real life Doom Slayer? Or am I the Big Friendly Giant?

So much pain.....so much ANGER! How can I be expected to live with all this that I harbour within my soul?

Where else does this pain come from? A good question to ask me, and I am not in any circumstances writing or saying all this for sympathy or views or anything trivial, I am explaining as best I can all of what goes on and through my head and the pain behind these dull eyes and big smile. 

January 2020, I went through something unexpected and unplanned. The loss of an unborn child. It was tough not many knew this or know this. Some do, and I can only ever extend my thanks as I will also do here for being there and offering support. So back to the muddy field now in my mind with this topic. Losing a child. It was not planned with my partner at the time. She was scared and confused when her period was late and after finding out via a test that we were having a baby. Of course, we were both happy and scared, and she was more so scared, but soon as I found out this instantaneous snap of a switch in my head came on, and DAD MODE appeared online. I made so many promises and efforts to you know keep them safe and to get more jobs even and looked into housing and all the baby books and topics imaginable for dads and parents altogether really. I promised to keep her and the baby safe and fed and housed and to work my absolute bollocks off to do everything I could to give my kid and my Mrs a good life they deserved. Then it happened my ex partner felt weird and reported to me about bleeding, and it was heavy clotty bleeding now. We were scared and panicked and called NHS and was advised some stuff, and we sneaked off to get her some tests done without her parents knowing because they were on holidays at the time and uh well also at that time, they were not on talking terms with us BUT anyway. After hours in the Hospital it was revealed that it was not good, and the baby was miscarried and that was it. The grief of it and the magnitude of the loss took some time for it to hit and affect me because I was in this "I am strong, I must be strong for her and support her more than ever during this time" again self-less me, but it's more than understandable why I did this and acted this way. I worked through it as did my Mrs because of course we did not tell anyone besides our families and some close friends, but you know it sucked. Shit was tough and sad, a kid died......my kid......my kid died.

That's just the start of the story of pain from the past few years. Flash forward to March 2020 and Lockdown happened, COVID WAS RUNNIN WILD! My Nana died. Not from Covid. From an illness that was killing her and taking this beautiful, funny woman away for almost a decade.....Dementia. Man that uh yeah, sucked. It still sucks now, I loved my Nan, I love her still, and I always will. I will always miss her and her laugh and her stories. God this still fucking hurts. I was leaving with my Mrs to get petrol before we went to my Nans, and then I had a call to say "Nana's passed". I could feel the world around me just fall and shatter like broken glass, in an instant. So much grief and pain and anger and resent befell me. I resented my ex partner to a degree low-key in my head for not being fast enough, and I blamed myself for not doing this more or saying this or being fast enough, BUT THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE, IT HAPPENED HOW IT HAPPENED. Man, I cannot begin to tell you how much I wish I could have held her once more or have her hold me and just to tell her how much I loved her. My Nan was the best! I love you Nana! 

The pain of losing a child and then my Nan was swirling within me and of course actual lockdown kicked off, and I was angry and resting and hating so much from the government to myself and to the world. My nan had a quiet send off as opposed to a big gathering because my Nan deserved to have been seen off with so many people because so many knew her and loved her. I hate how the government told us we could not do what we wanted even though they were doing as they please. I hated how my then Mrs could not be there with me for the funeral and the fact we had a stupid fight days before causing her to shut off and not talk to me for days. How fucking childish can people be?

A month or so after losing my nan, my dad had a heart attack and was rushed to hospital and I never fucking seen him for months. That was so scary. God, it was so shitty! I was worrying every single fucking day about him and fearing the worst news every day, EVERY SINGLE DAY! He was ok though. 

Anyway, how are you feeling reading all this? Knowing my story so far? I feel shit right now, Is this what it feels like to heal? To cry and to bleed your soul out telling strangers your story?

We continue onwards to life in August 2020, I lost my Grandad. My Grampa. He passed away to me, it was so unexpected because he was in hospital for an infection and drs or nurses my family phoned every day to tell us that he was OK and then just rang us one day and said "sorry Roy has passed away" like WHAT?! HOW!? I was angry at the drs and nurses and that hospital in general I feel like they had lied to us and I never got to see him or tell him how much I loved him also. God-damn it, I was mad, I was so angry and again the hate was strong. How could I be happy any more that year? Why did the lord decide to take so much from me in 2020?

Of course my dad got taken to hospital again for months due to another heart attack and of course I was again worried and so fuckin scared for every operation for every single day, we did not see or hear him. It was terrible. THANK FUCKING GOD HE IS OK AND STILL HERE NOW! He will live forever, I am telling you now! No one else is dying!

20-fucking-20 sucked so much, and it is the most cancerous year ever fucking conceived. How could I be happy again after all this? I could not enjoy my birthday nor Christmas, my mood, mental health and relationships all strained due to all this pain and grief. 

To continue onwards now we have a gap because I am skipping over lots because no need to speak about them as nothing really much happened. I was filled with pain, grief, anger, resent of course and then August 2021 happened. I was to be a Dad again. Oh, how nice a feeling that was and once again everything cleared and Dad mode snapped back on. September 2021 the inevitable happened.....I had COVID. My dad had it, my mam had it, I had it. During the 14-day self-isolation, my then partner informed me that she was going through what seemed like another miscarriage. I could not do anything!!!! I was forced to isolate by orders of the government, or I'd endanger everyone else and get a hefty fine. The day my isolation ended was the day after the miscarriage, so I sped to see and comfort my partner and of course I landed myself in trouble for speeding by 2mph over the speed limit. I know how lame! Times were tough again and she kept the big clot of what she felt was the baby in a plastic container. It was so morbid and sad and I just wanted us to bury the container as a case of giving our second special kid a funeral but that never happened and I have no idea what ever happened to that container anymore or her because since then, the pain and strains continued and our relationship eventually and unfotly ended.

Xmas eve 2021 the relationship I was in suffered a nasty almost breaking up argument. Our pain was real and we were hurting and hurting eachother again over silly matters and I say it was silly matters because to me it was stuff not even worth an argument or doing that god damn childish and pathetic stone walling shit again over. God forbid my new partner to ever stone wall me, I am walking i aint dealing with that shit ever again. Anyway many arguments happened here and there and I forget the details now or what they were about as time goes on and as memories fade. I try and try to cut and clear out so much of the shit because I want to try and move on and away from all that shit and trauma because it does more hurt than good these days. 

Flash forward once more to April 2022 and Break up happened. Shit that hurt. A LOT MORE than I ever knew it would. It hurt more than ever for many reasons. Being lied to about being friends instead as she said she wanted to maintain our bond and connection because it was very special and how alike we are as people and well she left me on read and never messaged or called or seen me again. I seen her a few days later because I decided to pack up and leave my job because It's something I was thinking of for the longest time and felt held back by my ex partner and that i did not want to work with her again. Pain came from that too and when she eventually blocked me. Crazy how much pain you can be in from a relationship. No matter how much I tried to block her out my head or life, I always wanted to talk to her or see her again even though I never did. I was scared of seeing her and scared she would turn people against me since many people I know have completely stopped talking to me or bothering with me anymore since the relationship ended so of course that left sour thoughts and taste in my mouth. I got no proof of any lies or negative shit being talked about me. Please remember there's two sides to everyone's story and just because the female of a hetero relationship ended things that it does not mean the guy fucked up or did wrong either. My opinion is that she fell for someone else behind my back and because of the losses and arguments she resented me and off she popped. What a silly billy to lose this sexy man eh? Despite our ages being the same the relationship was very much like a teenage love where it was messy and complicated and when it worked, well it worked haha. 

The healing from the break up has been so hard like seriously! The healing and grieving of all of this has been hard and when my mental health falls. Concerts and shows have been the only thing keeping me alive this year. Always having a concert booked to look forward to just helps me along. So does the escape in with films, anime, games and music! Friends and Family have helped me too of course, but when things in my head are bad I can't help but to think of ending myself or isolating from everyone. I've had times where I have drank every day and times I have been stupid and mixed drugs and alcohol into me. I have been unemployed and skint this year too. I have regrets of leaving my old job and I do miss it sometimes of course, I would go back there if certain people no longer worked there haha.

The ptsd, guilt, regret, pain and anger I feel is insane to deal with added on from all the grief.

Do you know I have torn muscled and broken bones too among the past 4 years. I have also lost 5 stone and of course sadly due to horrible events put weight back on too. I have amassaed many grey hairs from top of my head to my toes for god sake ahaha. See I gots my humor still. 

I have faced so many rejections this year from jobs, it's been a real pain in the tubes so to speak. Listening to music, letting all this out and my emotions to stroll down my face has been a help. I cannot say all the things or explain the things that go through my head or how I feel when my mental health is in the bin but all I can say is, it fucking sucks and it always feels like it wont get better because you are in the midsts of a tornado and that's what happens. 

I lost my childhood hero recently and that has also sucked ontop of everything already on my head. Losing a strong positive soul like his to suicide was out of the blue and super scary and shocking. The guy seemed stronger than anything we have seen before. 

We don't truly know what goes on in people's minds do we? Isn't that scary? 

Would you have believed me, If I told you that I was ok? Will you believe me now when I tell you I am ok So do you get what it's been like in my head for the past 4 years? Do you understand me better? Do you know how this feels? Does this meet your vibe checks? Do I need professional help? You tell me. 

What happens now? 

Not sure entirely, BUT I will continue to fight this shit with all my might for as long as there is kickass music in the world and good worlds to escape to in the form of games, anime and films. I know by sharing all this and posting it that, I wont be looked at the same way or I will be talked about because this is a lot! 

I am only posting this to raise awareness to mental health and suicidal thoughts and on grief. 

Please do not discuss these details in any negative manner or spread it like lies and ill talked rumors. You are knowing this information to simply raise awareness to pass on to others to let them know how struggles are real and they are not alone in feeling any or all of what I have touched on and talked about with my mental health and struggles. Before you judge me, walk a day in my shoes. Thanks for your help here. :)

Thank you for listening/reading. 

This has certainly been tough and I appreciate your time and effort to go through this. 

In my dreams (original poem,lyrics)

In my dreams, I see you sailing away, I'm holding onto hope that the pain will leave me someday, our love is a moment lost to time, heartbreak should be a crime, in my dreams we are sailing away, 

Listen to the echos of forgotten dreams, we had the world at the palm of our hands or so it seemed, we thought were the champions of all, just like Icarus our love flew too close to the sun and we started to fall,

I fell and broke into pieces, I couldn't arrange them and make them fit anymore, I didn't balance life well and I've lost who I am, blinded by pain sorrow and regrets, I drink now to forget,

Every time I fall asleep I see you there, laughing and smiling with your eyes gleaming, I lay awake at night staring at the ceiling, memories come streaming to my mind, I'm surprised my hearts still beating, 

How much longer will this take, the pain and the heartbreak, I ache and i ache, I have never experienced such pain, In my dreams i find you there.  

Mood Today (original poem, lyrics, story) by Sjones

I'm writing these words just to say,
About how I am doing and my mood today,
Quiet and fine,
Inside my mind,
It's not so silent,

Violent,
My anger and frustrations,
Surviving is a riot,
There's not many that know, all who go,
Chasing dreams over a colourful rainbow,

This too goes to show,
My mind is singing, while the exterior is quiet,
Everyone's asking, are you okay?, how are you today?,
I smile and sit in silence,

I'm okay or at least I say,
I'm not really sure what to say, of how I am really doing on this day,
Numbness and sadness underneath my clouds,
It hasn't rained in days, this sight's profound,

Take your time and focus on yourself,
They all say, little do they know,
That can't quite be,
Done,

I'm having fun,
Living my life distracting myself,
My emotions I cast aside and set up on a shelf,
As I'm living and breathing trying to forget someone else,

Memories are nice but bring pain,
Of a heart break that feels like yesterday,
It's been a while now and I still feel empty and drained,
Missing a part of me even though I am not in pieces,
Physically,

My body is exhausted
Mentally maimed,

I'm losing sleep, sleeping less on the daily,
My heart is locked away underwater in a locker titled,
Davey,
Which will give up first I often wonder,
Heart, soul or mind which will be the first to go under,

Life is something I always ponder,
What came before, what comes after,
Ok I say,

As I'm holding back laughter,

We've heard quite enough,
I feel like I'm dying, Is there any wonder,
Why?,
With all these words in my head,
I'm overflowing with all this existential dread.

Unable To Sleep, Broken Hearted, Dearly Departed. (Original poem)

I be tossing and turning, unable to sleep, My minds at a loss trying to count the sheep,
I can't move, i can't make a sound, Not even a bleep, All these overbearing things that are on my mind, how they creep.

Thoughts unwanted, head uneasy, am i keeping in too much, My inner voice it echo's such negativity, i want it to shush, I'm having breakout and breakout, skin can't take much more, If i open my mouth and let the unwanted out, will i be sore?.

I know i can't save the world, I know i am limited, I've got the biggest heart, I'm easy to be manipulated, My heart has been broken, torn and worn, These have been some of the best days of my life, I could have sworn.

Pandemic came and created much scare, I gazed into the existential void and await in much despair, 

My head is always sad, I always distract and avoid, I have a short fuse, people easily wind me up and I get so annoyed. 

I feel as if no one cares, no one is here, no one is there, Having lost family, cut off friends, I am signalling a flare, Before me now stands a door, i knock and ask who's there, Darkness and smoke surrounds the room, the bells toll but for whom?.

I have many unanswered questions and many missing scenes, A big part of me has left me to fend on my own, my soul it screams, What do i do, repeats over in my thoughts, was it all for naught?, What am i to do, what do i say, what about the future and the plans we made today. 

Will you befriend me, will you please keep in contact with me, we have a special connection you see, I will always love you and will never forget you or all our good times, this poem has many lines, I started writing this two years ago, late at night unable to neverland i go, Life is strange and this is sad, hope lives, It should always last. 

Sick of the stress, of the anger and diservice of employment, I deserve a better life, brim with enjoyment. The need to be fit is a long lasting goal, with more free time and a better stress-free work/life balance, I should be rolling in the dough. 

I want to raise a family and a home of my own, I want to be happy for the rest of my life, I am almost 30 now and I am scared more than ever of the unknown and of father time, I hope this is going well for you reading this as it's quite hard to rhyme,

I hope you read this and feel something, I wish the one who inspired and helped me for 4 years reads this and knows how special they will always be to me, Keep in touch and catch up sometime with me, I want to know if you will be safe and well, It's time to wrap this up now and to go to sleep. 

I wrote the first two paragraph's back 6/1/2020 @3:30am. Paragraph 3 onwards was written and completed on this date as of writing right now 14/4/22 @3:30am. 

Cut My Wrists, I wanna feel alive! (Original song/lyrics)

Cut my wrists and make me feel alive!!!!

One day is all it takes, to lose your mind to fall down the pit of despair.

With a broken heart and a damaged mind, all too far beyond repair.

Screams of anguish will be unleashed, as I fall into a deep sleep,

Take away all this pain and suffering, leaving me numb and unaware!

Cut my wrists and make me feel alive,

The world is numb and devoid of colour.

With no one on my side, I carry all the baggage within me.

My internal world is freaking out, with my mind racing and my vision a blur,

Cut me up and make me feel alive!

The want to feel alive again makes me crumble with fear,

I will avoid and detach, how long will this last,

When the familiar faces all turn blank, Who is there to support me,

When my body aches and my inner voice years to feel death's embrace,

Will I ever wake up, will I ever find life's key,

Cut my wrists and make me feel alive,

The world is numb and devoid of colour.

With no one on my side, I carry all the baggage within me.

My internal world is freaking out, with my mind racing and my vision a blur,

Cut me up and make me feel alive!

Just one knife, just one slice,

just one cut across my wrists,

Make me feel alive, give me a rush, 

Let me smell the iron in the air and let my skin tear, 

I am far beyond repair!,

So cut my wrists and make me feel, make me feel alive!!!!

(originally written 2/11/21)

The Call Of Depression - (Original poem)

It comes from the deep, it watches as you sleep, nowhere to go, nowhere to hide, none may escape the tide, he gazes deeply to the bottom of our souls, he knows all, sees all, he brings the insurmountable death toll, the bells ring and people scream, 400 feet high this is not a dream, you are not going insane just don't look into his gaze, for this day we die.  

My body aches, its arms constricting all that exists depleting, death chaos and destruction light up its unimaginable eyes, it creeps ever so silently, we have to fight blindly, no where to go, no one to call for help, its dragging me under to sleep and be devoured like kelp.

Bloodcurdling screams echo around me, I cant stand this insanity, someone put me out of my misery, tears are rolling down my face whilst the monster drags me to its face, it breaks my ribs, I look at its gaze and I'm all out of place, I cant remember where I am, what is this, damn. Flashes, red flashes, bright cannot see, its anger lashing out at me, it won't let me go, it's trying to lead me astray from the light, its showing me I'm not good enough and I'm not worthy of existing, I think I'm going further out to sea and I might jump in, I cannot swim but I cannot breathe right now, everything is too much, I don't know what to do, it's hands cut my wrists and spreads open my flesh.

I'm taking leap despite it's hands wrapped around my neck, I'm bleeding profusely, I think I'm done goodbye, humanity.

Random Ramblin's 44 - The One With The 400TH Blog Post

What the heck do you mean this is my 400TH BLOG POST!!?!?!?

WOWE!!!!  Don't know how to respond to that news and it cause me hecking concern haha.

So I have been quiet here for a little while just wondering what to post, what to say because this is my 400th post and again It's crazy to see that and how far along this blog has come. 

(Some content here in this post may be upsetting and may cause triggers to some.)

Let's get a life update and ramble for a while randomly down the woods of my mysterious mind. 

So 6th March as you have read or seen, I had my first covid 19 vaccine. It knocked me off my feet with the side effects of the Zeneca first dose but I recovered fine 4 days after my jab. 

A question I get a lot is "Scott why did you dye your hair green?" the answer is simple, it's what I fancied, I wanted to dye my colour and I like green and so there we go. I will have red in my hair next but when that will happen well who knows. Also if you are new to my blog, hey I'm Scott aka 1stmetalgod as it is known on my youtube or twitter or even here on my blog which as you see it is titled 1stmetalBLOG. 

My Top 10 list's have made a come back and I look forward to doing more but I am in need of suggestions so please do send them my way via comments, fb, twitter just tag me @1stmetalgod.

Last year I did a charity awareness post and again this year I wish to do another one like it near the end of the year. 

I also last year wrote a lot of songs and poems and these are pure raw emotions I have expressed feeling through the power of the written word. These are just captures of emotions stuck in time when I look back at them and last year I went through so many complex emotions and the grief I have been suffering through the past year has been so rough and even now to this day I am still processing them and I am trying to do so in good and healthy ways but you know you can't be prepared for it all the time because it can hit you from nowhere and from everywhere some days. 

I lost 3 people last year and that has been some of the hardest shit I have ever had to go through and this pandemic and lack of seeing friends and family and loved ones and so much more has been so detrimental to my mental health so I have said and done stupid thing's and been depressed and quick to anger and sorrow and more and I've gone about things unhealthy and healthily. I've argued and fallen out and gotten back together with some very important people in my life during this crazy pandemic. It's all a learning curve for sure but as long as there's a support system, self care and self support and some sort of freedom within the world and ability to go places and see people it's a whole lotta good to have and to bring you back into balance and finding a balance whilst surviving a pandemic and coping with the changes and grief and the loss of so many things is and has been the hardest thing I have ever had to learn and adapt to and with. 

Keep in mind I have had to learn to walk, talk, write and to survive through epileptic seizures, broken bones and a car going into the back of my car during a driving lesson like almost 10 years ago not but I was diagnosed with whiplash from that. So I have overcome a lot and no doubt I will be overcoming more as we gaze into the crystal ball of life looking further into the unknown. 

Brings me to another point on my mind. My family will never see me, the spiritual and mental embodiment me now like they see me physically but you know I can't help but to feel they don't get that I like to be busy and doing something always, I'm not always laid back as I show around them and I am always thinking and wanting to be on the move and doing something like. It just urks me to be laughed at and ridiculed by my family and I'm sick of being told what I should do and stuff just leave me be and let me deal and figure things out and if I need advice I will ask for said guidance because I don't want to do shit or listen to what they have to think and want to enforce on me because that kinda thing makes me not want to do shit more. So I wish they would be happy for me when I am happy about something rather than drag me down because they may be in a shitty mood it really feels like the carpet is being pulled from under me. I just want respect and support and to not feel like a child and patience I would also like from others. 

I recently completed a few online courses. Child & Adolescent Mental Health, First Aid and Parapsychology Diploma. So I am now entitled to use these next to my name O.A. Dip (Parapsychology) as per instructions on the certificate of the diploma. I will hope to be educating myself more on things I am interested in and there's a career path I do wish to give a try and that's to become a support worker so I will be putting energy into finding out more about that kind of work and how I could become one, down the road here of life but for now I'm just learning new skills and gaining new qualifications for my own personal interest and development. 

Since January I have lost 3 and a half stone. I have had an injury in February placing me to rest for a little while and as of writing I feel well in my ankle and leg since pulling a ligament and bruising and having a small fracture in my pinky toe. I have been walking every single day before my injury and after my injury i have done little walks now and again and the last walk I did was a 5 mile walk and I am so easily prone to blisters and god have I suffered some nasty ones. I may have taken a slow detour but I am not going over board in comfort eating and other bad habit's I have had and have carried with me for all these 25 plus years. 

I feel like this past year and even the year before that I have been discovering a lot about myself and I am thankful for this and these discoveries even when times have been tough and I have thought about doing the utmost worse things to myself to take myself out of the life equation and this is sad but true. I was at a point in my life where nothing seemed to be going well and everything seemed dark and heated with others and loss of so many people and things all at once and living each day the exact same just was having me so hollow and dark and depressed and alone, it truly was a horrible thing to experience and go through. I was drinking a lot more than I ever have in my darkest clouds and taking more pain killers and in the darkest times I thought and even said out loud to people closest to me about having had enough and that a rope or more pain killers than usual are sounding like the best bet for me but listen to me now, I did not do or attempt any of that I merely imagined dark scenarios and thoughts and my friends here reading this, I urge you now if you ever felt or feel like this to talk to someone you trust about it all and please get the help and help youself out of it aswell, it's not nice and not easy to do but please it's better than taking your own life. These thought's and dark bout I had came from last year and not from the recent injury I must say to be clear. 

Point of a lot of this I am making is that, I am just still discovering myself right now and there's a lot of internal and external work I need or would like to do for myself just it will all take time and It won't come overnight and that I am ramblin' now but even through the darkest day's, this guy and the fire inside him will burn, always. 

So that will conclude my life update at this moment in time as of writing. Anything could happen at anytime and as ever I hope you are having a nice day and staying well and safe mentally and physically. I hope you enjoyed reading this, it was a lot of personal insight to myself and it's not always easy to blog or talk about openly or so publicly so to speak as my blog is of public nature. Probably the next life update of any kind I will give is when the pandemic is over or something else, who really knows we will just wait and see but I am certain for before then that I will be posting other interesting things here on my blog. 

So for now and for always, thanks for reading and supporting me and stay shiny!

Mental Health Awareness poem

You don't want to know how i feel,

You don't want to know the truth of my mental health,

It's not a good thing for either of us,

In this mad world, no one cares unless you are pretty or dying,

Society is cruel to those too smart for their own heads,

I've been pushed, shoved, beaten, broken, scarred, left for dead,

I've considered ending my life and how easier it would be if i was stateside,

I've lied for years telling everyone "i'm ok" when i'm dying on the inside,

It's easier to say i'm ok rather than say i'm not,

Pretending for so long was something i thought was impossible,

How to actually feel i kinda forgot,

Ever been terrified that trying your hardest would not be enough?, 

I'm so fucking tired, I've thought too much, help me,

If this life does not kill you, the emptiness and loneliness will,

I put on a happy face every day i wake up and embrace the sun,

As my heart beats irregularly depressingly, 

My addiction is escaping reality, to see all of life's possibilities,

Life is strange and i'm lost with no direction in sight, 

The world for myself is right now in such blight,

I've lost who i am or supposed to be,

I've thought about the medical pills but never had the courage to act,

Demons on my mind, demons in my mind,

They feed me lies and insecurities,

They get me to listen and to obey them so much easier than the self love in my brain,

Those same monsters in my head are scarier than the monsters who hide under the bed,

I'm not good with feelings despite people proclaiming me to be a wordsmith,

I care too much and i wish i did not,

When i'm low there's no where to go,

Do you care that i hurt, Do you know how much i cry,

Do you wanna know a secret?, Know why? Neither do i,

I've torn my hair out of my scalp,

I've stressed so much and had palpitations,

I've suffered a panic attack in public space,

Forever I've felt alone sitting at home inside my own head,

I've always said and felt even through my darkest days that i have a fire burning,

I want to preserve that fire and keep it burning for always,

I need help sometimes to get back up and on my feet again,

It's hard to go to others when you don't even know how you are feeling,

I've felt awkward and uncomfortable with hugs and praises and shown love,

When really there's a part in my brain that gets unblocked and feels warm after a hug,

I've had no choice but continue going on down this road,

Hope is almost always on the horizon, 

I've often been the hope walking down the road,

My strength is unparalleled, that still does not mean i can break easily,

It's a challenge trying to stay strong all the time, 

I'll always blame myself for all the wrongs,

This is how i am, who i have been.

Random Ramblin's 40 - WHAT?! CORONA LOCKDOWN!

Hi there, you join me in the comfort of a dark room, sipping upon blue wkd with some synthwave instrumental music on in the background. Comforting right? Oh yes i agree. Anyway it has been a while since i did a RR but here we are back again! 

There's been a lot to write about but i have expressed my worries, rants, concerns and feelings into my gorgeous girlfriend instead, so i aswell as she could take a load off our heads and just get back to feeling good and moving in a rhythm. BUT lately this year, well hey, we are at the end of April and for me this year has been............TERRIBLE! 

It's a shocking, upsetting, depressing, year and my mental health has fluctuated a whole lot! 

I won't go into everything that has happened this year but; I have lost my nan, lost someone else close, had arguments, we are in a world emergency crisis and locked-down so unable to see my woman or any of my loved ones or friends, I've had toxic people try to control me and my mrs and one tried to use us as scape goats and that my dear readers is not what a friend is or does, regardless of history with said person you do not do that to a friend or anyone ever!

So yeah this lockdown has come to be and it's added more stresses and more cracks are being unearthed in my foundations of mental stability. I am cracking under all that i have gone through this year, i am cracking up under all this lockdown and quarantine nonsense, i'm cracking, i am breaking.

Each time i think or say it cannot possibly get any worse, it does something happens and makes me breakdown uncontrollably and cry or feel angry or frustrated. The most dangerous thing right now in all this lock-down is being locked inside our minds with the negative thoughts.

We all need to take care and go gentle on ourselves!

I am a grown ass man and i have my feelings and i am very much in tone with those feelings i am a highly sensitive person and i am not ashamed to admit that i feel things and that i cry. I recently for the first time in my life cried in my shower that's how broken things are for me at this moment in time as i type all this out loud, as i cry again from my head being such a horrible force to go against me, it feels as if its trying to ruin things trying to make me not have nice things to sabotage my own happiness like.

It's fucking insane! 

It's insane to feel so broken in yourself too. It's crazy to feel insecure about yourself but also so highly emotional and to be a person with such strong empathy like myself its bloody hard too. It's hard when you feel so much that you care so much about every single little thing and how you must want everything to run perfect and smoothly too but it does not so you make back ups and back ups of back ups and so many back ups that you are backed up of back ups.

Got no work, can't see my mrs, family or friends, I can't really go anywhere and do anything because it's only shopping or exercise locally or face a fine or possible jail time in this crisis.

Only thing good about the Corona-apocalypse is the memes.
People need to stop hoarding items mind you and stop lighting grass fires and stop fly tipping!

I am living with so much trauma and grief right now. 

I hope you are doing better than me.

I will be bright as a diamond again soon!

Remember to stay shiny! 

Better days are coming!

Drowning In The Breakdown

It's so hard right now, to think straight,
I feel like my head is coming unscrewed,
My emotions feel so skewed,
I have no idea, how i feel in the moment,
I try to stop the spiral but it keeps sucking me in,
I'm reaching out, i need the help,
The healing, the recovery is all so raw,

Drowning in my sorrows with the world in dismay,
Suffocated with so much grief,
My vision clouded and out look bleak,
A magic 8 ball can't help me now,
Drowning my sorrows with booze, It dull's the pain,
But the memories, they remain,

I've never felt a pain like this,
I never expected it to last as long as it has,
That pain keeps stabbing me and pulling me under,
Mental sorrows which continue to cast me asunder,
My head space is an uneven grounded reality,
I take walks into nature with music blasting between each ear,
Hoping to see the world a lot more clearer,

Dealing with so much is not easy,
The days are long and the heat is brutal,
The miscommunication and assumptions are no help,
The expectations are of a natural world,
I rest impatiently waiting for the normal to return,
I keep myself busy and work all night and all day,
I type and i edit as the sun goes down and end as the sun comes up,

Drowning my sorrows with food for comfort,
Suffocated in so much negativity,
Jealousy runs rampant of those who are spending time together through quarantine,
Afraid of catching the new black death, the new biological weapon,
Getting run down and run over by so much, it causes a breakdown,

Drowning in my sorrows by bottling it up,
Getting numb from the usual pain,
Need to get free from the cage of sorrows and anger,
I need to be released from the agony the world has caused me,
Escaping from reality with gaming and movies is a constant effort,
I've thought the worst things, i'm continuing to burn my fire,
Trying to keep myself warm and alight,
Forgive me for not controlling that bright burn,
I need you by my side to help me weather the storm as it's easier together,
The demons can't fight our army,

I'm not good at expressing my feelings,
I'm so used to bottling up, using food for comfort,
It's easier to hate ourselves than to love thy self,
When you been victimised and bullied you're entire life,
When media all portrays this is how people should work, this is what to expect and need and desire,
I'm sorry for showing disregard for the rules and wanting you close for selfish gains,

Drowning my sorrows with food and alcohol,
It's not right or healthy but it's the unnatural response we have all been brought up with,
Men don't talk or feel or show emotions, But I do,
I feel so much, i'm an empath, i can feel you're emotions right now,
It's alright to feel how you are feeling, the world is not normal and we're all suffering,
We're all healing, It's all going to work out and be okay, be thankful, be grateful,
We're alive and we are breathing.

R.I.P. Nana Jones

I love you lots Nana❤❤❤❤❤❤ You meant the world to me, we had such a laugh from all the times you baby sat me as a kid, to our adventures out and about and down Porthcawl on holiday. Your "yisee mawrs" and "jesus thomas" always made me laugh and I will miss them greatly. Such a great, wonderful, funny, cheeky woman I've had such an honour to have known and it's been an honour to be your grandson. I'll continue to make you proud and make everyone laugh on your behalf. Thanks for the memories and laughs, I love you so much and I'll miss you....always. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

It's a crazy world and we're in such a crazy time and year at the moment and I'm saddened and lost for words on losing you but I can sleep easy knowing your not in pain or suffering anymore and that you'll have a hell of a party up there with Datsy and Kenny and Scooby! ❤❤❤❤❤

In loving memory of my amazing, wonderful Nana. I've donated and I'm raising awareness for Dementia.👍😊 My mother and sister did a lot for my nan in her last years and took such great care of her and they are such wonderful women and superheroes for all they did and continue to do so thank you both.😊❤❤❤ The nurses who also came to take care of my nan I can't thank enough either. They allowed my mother and sister to have a break from their constant care of my nan and we can't thank them enough for what they did to. From getting my nan up and putting her to bed to doing her some lovely cuppa's and giving her, her fave foods and fave biscuits, the rich tea kind of course.😄 

I miss my Nana a lot and I know it's hard times and this just all feels like a bad dream but I know and find comfort in that she left this world in peace and she is not suffering and in pain anymore. She's reunited with my Datsy and Uncle Kenny now so that's why we are blessed with such gorgeous weather as the heaven's are smiling and she's letting us know that she's safe, she loves us all and she's at peace. 

I love you so much my Nana. Enjoy time with Datsy and enjoying John Wayne movies.

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ 

Random Ramblin's 37 - The Depressing Times Of The Workhorse

Uh Hi!
First of all, how do you like the new look? Took me a few hours but here we are! Nice, new, fresh, sleek, slick, dope, lit. Yes it is all those words and more! Just looking at the new design just makes me smile to be honest, i'm pretty proud of what i have done here, i hope all of you like it too :)
WELCOME TO THE NUW-METAL ERA!
 

Sooooooooo it's been a while and as the title suggests we are about to get a bit sad and down but don't worry i'll try and make it a bit cheerier near the end or something i guess who knows, let's see how this goes as my fingers proceed to hit the keys in all sorts of rhythmic motions as I vibe and stay entranced in retro wave music. 

Weird intro out of the way so first of all, I now have two jobs, yep it's true one job I have had for almost 2 years and the other i have been in for 2 months now. Don't really like the second job i find it boring, unsociable and a real drag overall. So the workhorse i have dubbed myself after Seth Rollins since he works a lot and now i do and often twice a day so yeah rough? Some days it is rough, other days its ok. 

Sad stuff now

Telltale games has shut down since my last random ramblin's, Gamesmaster mag has also now shut down. Stan Lee has passed away and so did my lovely Uncle Kenny. 

Uncle Kenny was a great man, a lovely man, one of the best easy. He was the first to introduce me to the act of magic and illusion and he always had this running joke with me that he had an actual wishing well as a kid when your 3-5 you'll believe anything and you know I'd go down his throw some money in wishing well make a wish and I'd always check the bucket when I rolled it up to find a bag of sweets, drinks, chocolates, crisps etc. Haha he always said to me everytime I seen him was about something new in his garden. "Alright boy, you'll never believe what I got in my garden. I got a Giraffe, An Elephant, a lion and a tiger" last time I seen him was before he became unwell which was about a month or two ago and he'd tell me then and remind me the stories and memories of going to his as a kid and telling me how his zoo in his garden is doing haha so random but that's Kenny to me, a funny random guy who was loved by all because he was so down to earth and just lovely in general and he'll be missed dearly. This Christmas bingo and drink will be strange without him but he'll be there in spirit and I'll be sure to have a whiskey for him. :)

Sorry to put a downer on things but life ain't all smiles and hardwork and it's ok to not feel ok. It's OK and natural and human to feel sad. It's OK to feel sad and to celebrate the memory of a loved one. Keep them in your hearts and memories forever. :)

Regarding Gamesmaster, i am in the last issue doing a review on spiderman and well here's a blog post all about it - https://1stmetalgodsblog.blogspot.com/2018/11/rip-gamesmaster-mag.html 

Regarding Stan Lee well what's to say? His work, his characters, stories, art and he himself overall have inspired me, tried to meet him once in London but was put off from the massive crowds. Gutted at this news but he's forever cemented as a legend and his legacy will live on forever. Thanks.

Let's mosey along!

11/11/18 - 100 years ago the great war stopped....machines guns fell silent, guns were dropped to the floor, and the brave came home after years of constant fighting. We lost many and we won't forget but we will always honour the fallen.

Things you may not know about me #1: I'm a Google certified local guide. I submit reviews, photos and answer questions on Google maps. I recently hit the landmark of 8000 views on my reviews and 5000 on my photos. I do this for fun and when I get free time and become bored really. I will continue to do these now and then and post on my facebook writers page primarily which can be found here - https://www.facebook.com/ScottJonesWriter

Halloween in work this year was interesting as i had my facepainted like Venom and scared many people and had strange looks all day haha. 

Movies

I have watched a lot since we last touched base so let me cover a bunch of movies i have seen in short.

Bohemian Rhapsody: 8/10
The Predator: 7/10
BlacKKKlansman: 8/10

Teen Titans Go To The Movies: 5/10 (i expected this film to totally suck but it was actually alright, i liked some songs, i liked the characters, there was some nice 4th wall breaks and jokes and some bits made me laugh)

Tag: 8/10

Johnny English Reborn: 5/10 (best scene was the Darude but also the VR scene was brilliant)

Bleach(Netflix film): 4/10

Fullmetal Alchemist (Netflix) 7/10 (I actually really liked this, only thing i hated was how fast they wrapped up the last hour and act)

VENOM: 5/10 (Expected it to be much worse than it was, Tom Hardy made the film decent is all because for the most part its a mess!)

Upgrade: 9/10 (surprise hit of the year for me i loved this!)
Searching: 9/10
Hush: 7/10
Equaliser 2: 7/10
Autopsy Of Jane Doe: 8/10
I'm sure i have seen a few more but as of writing this, this is all i remember.

Games
Spyro: I have not had the chance to play yet but i have it :)
RDR2: It's what i am still playing at the moment on chapter 4, the game had such a slow start but after chapter 2 it picked up more :)

Writing
Not going too bad it's slow on some projects but it's steady on the blog side as you can see. Getting to work on Predator fan fiction. Some Halloween and Power Rangers are also in the works :) More stuff here - https://www.facebook.com/ScottJonesWriter

Well that's all for this one, sorry for the long gap between random ramblin's but as you can see i been keeping busy here on my blog, in games, watching films, working and other life stuff so yeah, remember to stay shiny and i'll see you in my next post! :)

Special shoutout to my friend Richard who has now started his own blogging adventure: https://mytrickyjourney.blogspot.com/2018/10/bit-of-tricky-start.html

Beauty In The Bleak (original song lyrics)

Life is so fragile, I'm not so agile, Can't run or jump, 

Just docile, time passes me by so fast, i can only take air in by a gasp, 

I don't wanna stay here anymore, don't wanna lay here ever so bored, 

Just love to get up and go, be free with one and all, with the pain around my neck gone,

There's beauty outside my window, I see it everyday,

When the sun rises, I am at the edge of my seat, maybe this will be the day,

When the sun sets i am reminded by the question, the bleak,

Family i can't wait to see to repay, i wish to see the way out, let me take a step or just a peak,

This is what i plead in the beauty in the bleak. 

Use to be able to throw, to know, 

Use to be able to do a lot of things but now i'm too slow, 

The doctors say any day now, whilst i hear the nurses say its highly unlikely now,

Can't see my favourite shows, the movies, the games, 

All i can do is listen out and paint imagery with my mind, 

Hopefully i'll be able to see those pictures for real when i wake,

There's beauty outside my window, I see it everyday,

When the sun rises, I am at the edge of my seat, maybe this will be the day,

When the sun sets i am reminded by the question, reminded of the bleak,

Family i can't wait to see, i want out, let me take a step or just a peak,

This is what i plead to the beauty in the bleak. 

She rides a white horse, wears all white, with long blonde flowing hair, 

She want's me to stare, Issued me to stay all the while, 

I hear the voices coming from the outside, some encourage me to come back,

Some cry out for me, they hurt me piercing my brain with emotional discharge,

It's like feedback, static i hear it sometimes, 

It can get too loud and overpower me and that's when she appears,

There's beauty outside my window, I see it everyday,

When the sun rises, I am at the edge of my seat, maybe this will be the day,

When the sun sets i am reminded by the question, the bleak,

Family i can't wait to see, i need to get out, let me take that one step,

I hate the grey, let me escape, This is what i plead in the beauty in the bleak. 

She feeds me lies, clouds me in depression, makes me unable to move, 

She doesn't want me to leave her clutches, but i gotta get outta here, 

Sick of being unable to move, unable to continue to put up with the voices that put me down, 

I'm afraid of dying, i'm afraid of the inevitable, 

I'm stuck fantasising about the ending and things out of my control, An endless loop, 

Stop the repeat and let's skip to the next song, let us be happy again, let us move on,

I twitch and I'm turned to my side to see the sun rising up, this is the day, 

She won't control me any longer, My love for life is too much for her to handle,

When the sun sets this day, She wont remind me of the questions, i wont be reminded of the bleak,

The grey may have a beautiful hue and the white aura is intoxicatingly beautiful,

I'm coming home, to be surrounded by those who empower me, inspire me to be powerful,

They're words, the prayers, the voices that echoed and bounced around in my mind, 

It's inspired the fire to ignite inside and has allowed me to take my first step, I fall down, 

There's beauty outside my window, I see it everyday,

When the sun rises, I am at the edge of my seat, maybe this will be the day,

When the sun sets i am reminded by the questions, reminded of the bleak,

Oh white light, go away because i'll come deal with you another day,

This is what i plead in the beauty in the bleak, this passion i have found is the beauty in the bleak, 

The world we know and share is full of beauty in the bleak.

Written by Scott Jones 

24/10/18 

Story: Ok so this song is about someone who is in a coma they have tried to take their own life and they are there in hospital just unable to see, speak, walk but they can listen and hear everything outside to what the world around him is saying to him hearing what is going round in his head as it's a big state of confusion. The person is depressed tried to take a way out of their problems but is now recovering and left fighting their demons but they are not alone as family and friends and even strangers as doctors and nurses come pay their support for the person to wake up and get better. Eventually the person does escape but the mental and physical scars left are there to linger forever however the person is happy to have been shown the light as a way for them to deal with their demons and to escape the bleak but to also take the beauty of it out with them. So yeah it's a lot to take in. I originally came up with the title months ago before i wrote anything else here, i said it to a friend suffering with depression that he should remember there is beauty in the bleak and that kinda stuck with me and here it is.