You Make Me Feel Alive

Tell me something my dear, how is it that I have lived for 30 years on a planet of 8 billion souls and yet, it's only now I'm discovering I'm actually living. I have no idea how I have made it this far without you, and without this overwhelming feeling of happiness and how sensitive I am to your care, actions and words, that make me tear up from this powerful feeling called love.

Love looked like a fairy tale, It looked luxurious and beautiful. I have seen what I thought was love and I have also been in what felt like love but it was like something not for me with how I was shown and given love.

I'd be yelled at and feeling scared and confused and told it was love. I was hit and shoved and reminded it was just love. I was bullied and belittled and was explained it was coming from a place of love. Yet those examples made me feel low and question myself. It makes me question and overthink myself to this day. There's been people I felt love for but it wasn't really love it was admiration because I felt human in how I was initially treated but alas being too nice for your own good is apparently the worse thing you can be when in this "love". My head makes me want to check and get confirmation and make sure I feel and am treated well and loved and the other person loves me and tells me and shows me. For all these years I've been blindly led through life where being nice only gets you hurt and pain. Trusting someone is hard to do now because of the years of torment my soul has endured and for how much my light in this world has been dulled.

I was told "I love you but" too many times to count where I know the next line will be "I'm seeing someone else or I like someone else". How crushing it is to pour your heart out and to have the water of your heart frozen solid and then crushed to pieces by someone you trusted and thought you loved, or to have that person pull out a knife and stab you in your heart and your brain and to feel one or the two break or snap. I've cried for ages Infront of someone who told me it was over and first it was dread and anxiety leading up to a statement being told to me of how it's over and how then I feel an ice cold dagger pierce my heart and I feel the cold blade shiver my body as my heart begins to get cold and ache. While tears flow furiously from my eyes and I blabber trying to scramble to gain answers as to why this pain is happening and all that I am feeling, my brain snaps and my tears decrease and my pain numbs as I then start laughing and smiling. Reassuring myself that it's all okay and it's fine and that I thank the other for the years we had and wish them well as I depart from their presence never to see them again. You get told "please don't do anything stupid, let me know when you get home safe" and you think to yourself "wow they still care, maybe a friendship could still happen" as you dive in deeper into your delusion.

Through delusion the heartbreak endured and grew worse, then came anger and betrayal and worthlessness, through those things became a downward spiral of ill intent. Through pills, alcohol, food and trauma came a wall of "stop or you won't be here anymore I'm serious" and so the inner mind of sound body and mind came out and instructed me to kill off the memories of pain, close up, burn, seal off all the trauma and that person and time to wise up and become a better person. Although i have been broken for a long time I've never liked seeing anyone sad or hearing they were not doing good so I would always take the mantle of being a star and raising others up and listening and doing whatever I can no matter how big or small a gesture it was to make sure I can make someone's day and someone laugh and smile. Years of pain of bullying of not seeing yourself as worthy of happiness or worthy of love teaches you that no one should feel that way. Looking back at those times why did I allow myself to feel like that for so long?

You close memories and people and seal them off in the back of your minds hoping to never see or hear them again but sealing them away doesn't always work. Someone will remember something, a word or phrase is said or something said in a certain way and even seeing those ghosts of trauma appear really messes with your head. You feel such anxiety and dread, you don't wish them to cause any bad for you or others and you convince yourself you won't ever see or hear these ghosts again but triggers are a powerful part of trauma. The old feelings of hurt reappear but never all consuming, the anxiety is consuming, the memories of the past pain is all that ever appears of how you felt used and betrayed and how someone who was supposed to show you care and what was supposed to be love actually showed you the opposite so you are mad at yourself for allowing to stick with it for so long when you really should have left and endured a possible shorter pain than the path of pain you went on. You always wish if you could go back and do and say something else to avoid those wretched paths that took you through pain but it's important to remember always who you are and where you are and how strong you are for surviving the days you never thought you would.

30 years of life, thinking I'm broken, I'm defective, I'm no good, I'm too nice, overthinking is going to be my killer, I'm going to die at 30 because of my weight, I'm not worthy of happiness and love and then for an old familiar face I loved looking at years ago reappears and wants to sit by this brooding, scarred, old man and is helping nurse his wounds better and asking him questions and genuinely caring about his thoughts and his past and that he is as beautiful still as the day she first saw him. It's really something special. Although I have my fallbacks and feel low or not confident in myself or I'm not good enough etc she never sees me differently. She cares always and she smiles and caresses my face and wipes away my tears and snots with her beautiful eyes shining and her warm smile glaring at me. She's a lot like me and I am scared, so scared to hurt and upset her and to lose her. I love her hard and so much than I've ever loved anything in my life. Although my anxious attachment mind needs reassurance and hear and see and feel love she gives 40% of the time, the rest I just know and feel and believe and have never doubted. Sometimes my head gets messy because of my past and I end up thinking paranoid things and I cannot apologise enough for it, my past is not where I am anymore and I am finally alive but the trauma I have been left with just needs me needing more work on myself and needing her help in reassurance and healing hugs to keep it all away. Those scary mean feelings don't happen all the time thankfully but when they do I feel intense in my mind, someone could whisper something as a joke to me and I'll answer with fire breathing back. My angelic ladybug struggles with her own head at times too as she's been through a lot like me and still views herself as not this angelic woman that I've always seen and still see her as. She's told me her pains and shown me her traumatic scars and she's recoiled back from me thinking I'd leave and be disgusted by her when all I've ever been is warm, loving and gentle with her. I love her full stop and I love her without any conditions with my whole heart and soul and I will pour all of me into her always, I'm not half assing things I'm going full gear and I need her, I want her, I crave her in all forms. Despite how glorious making love is, sex isn't something I always want or care about, it's not what I want every day all the time with her, it's not about sex. It's about the love, the connection, the care and support and holding her and being held by her that matters the utmost to me. I've been a beast for years and lived like a zombie with no care and so much self hate towards myself. This woman is mine and she has opened my eyes to a whole new world, she has made my heart beat once again and become warm, she puts bandages and plasters on my mind and she keeps my soul warm. She is the apple of my eye, the sunshine in my grey days, the moon that glistens with the stars, the water to my crops, the missing piece of my heart, my soulmate, my warrior, my princess, my woman, my wife. No matter how many miles apart we have been, she has always made it clear and she has a mission to keep in touch with me. It's something I never expected because I never had this happen before with someone needing to talk to me every single day without fail and when they are super busy or stressed out, for my special lady to always be in touch with me makes me feel so honoured and special and makes me feel so loved and appreciated. I never get bored and I never get sick of her no matter how long it's been and how long we been talking and spending time together each day. I have needed her for the longest time and I'm so thankful and grateful I finally have her and get to spend so much time and my life with her. I wish to marry her, to live with her, to have our own family and I've never wanted those parts of my life to start more than I have right now. Wish I could fast forward to raising our son or daughter in the air and teaching them how the world works and about the importance of good manners and being kind. I want to fast forward to seeing our childrens children too, I want it all and I want it now quite frankly my dear. When we are apart I miss her like mad and I cant wait for things to get easier and I can't wait to see her. I miss her straight away when she leaves to go home or go away. I've never missed someone so much and needed time with someone so much. I am always made to feel safe, cared, loved, happy, heard and seen by her and with her. I love and appreciate her more than I can ever say. I hope she knows it and remembers each day, I wish for her to remember each and every day of my love and of how special she is to me and how I wish she could borrow my eyes and see herself through mine to see she needs not be hard on herself and that she truly is the gorgeous,sweet, kind, loving, caring, attentive angel I see every single day. We will always give eachother our best and treat everything equally and always support and love eachother every day without fail because it's natural to us to give to eachother so we love just like breathing we just do for eachother. We will always be there for eachother through thick and thin from this life to the next and more for our souls with intertwine like a fabled red invisible string where we are connected forever and ever. I love you baby❤️xxx

Steve And The Family Indeed

Once upon a time in a town not far,
Lived a kind man named Steve, a real shining star.
One sunny day, he met a lady named Eve,
A meeting so sweet, you wouldn't believe.

Steve and Eve, a match made in glee,
Decided together, a family they'd be.
They adopted two kids, oh, so dear,
James and Aimee, spreading joy and cheer.

James loved trains, with wheels that spin,
Chugging and choo-chooing, oh, what a din!
Aimee adored horses, so graceful and strong,
In fields of green, where they'd gallop along.

Together as a family, they'd dance and sing,
Sharing laughter, every little thing.
Steve and Eve, love never-ending,
With James and Aimee, joy they're sending.

In their cosy home, warmth did bloom,
Love and laughter chased away the gloom.
So, here ends the tale of Steve and Eve,
With James and Aimee, who always believe.

For in this family, love's the key,
A story of togetherness, as happy as can be.
No matter where life's adventures may lead,
Steve, Eve, James, and Aimee - a family, indeed!

A Man Named Steve

There once was a man named Steve, he was lovely and always kind you see. 

He met a loving lady who became his wife, named Eve. 

Steve & Eve were happy, they had a home, and all was chappy. 

One day, Eve & Steve decided to help out children in need. 

They adopted children named Aimee & James, who would hope to be freed. 

James was older than Aimee and both were born challenged with disabilities. 

Eve & Steve never allowed them to feel differently. 

Steve takes his family everywhere, holidays, shopping, events and more. 

In Steve's car, no one ever bickered or swore. 

Steve would always cheer when his football team scored. 

Steve had two dogs, one named Sam and another named Leo. 

Leo would be wild and bark at the moon, even on video.  

Sam would be quiet and cuddly and often muddy. 

 

Steve was kind and loving to everyone he met, even to strangers who were upset. 

One day on holiday, James fell and hurt his leg and no longer wanted to play. 

Steve swooped in and saved the day and turned James's frown upside down. 

Whenever Aimee was unwell, Steve would make her day swell. 

James & Aimee may never have known their real Dad, but it didn't make them sad. 

Steve was a nice man and always made his family glad. 

Steve is the best, Friend, husband and Dad that anyone could have ever had. 

A Year Has Come To Pass

So it's story time.

It has been a year since my life went flipped turned upside down. Time to look back on everything April 13, 2022 to now.....

13/04/22

My girlfriend left me. Turns out she was seeing someone else, a guy I never liked who I also worked with. She claimed to hate him too, but it's obvious lies. Anyway after the split we agreed to keep in touch and be friends. Honestly, I was so hurt and upset. I was angry too. I wanted to hurt myself or worse, kill myself.

I had so much racing through my head, I immediately called Jared, and we met up I went to his. Hugged his mum and hugged Jared and went home played some games to try and just get some sort of calm to my feelings. All the while I was messaging and chatting to those people who were there for me. My family, Annika (Zin),Layla, Lewis G, Jared, James.

A few days after the break-up I went to Birmingham with my best bro James to see Ghost who are one of my fave bands and also Impera is 2022's best album.

I had unhelpful advice and messages from people also. The bad shit I was told was "go get another girl, have a rebound.", "best way over a relationship is getting with someone else", "oh she was your first it's ok don't worry these things happen.". She was not my first, she was my first adult relationship though. No I'm not a rebound or sleep around guy. This just added to my anger because boy did I feel so much anger.

A few days passed, and I messaged her about getting my things back and was left on read. She seen my message and did not reply.

In that time, I played hooky with my previous employer for a week following the break-up and I went on holiday and I handed in my notice of immediate departure soon as I returned. It was the same day as my departure that I returned my ex's things to her home and seen her dad one last time, whilst I was still left on seen message wise and had not had my things back. A month later I had a bag of my things dropped on my door step and on that same day I went to meet up with some friends and I drove past her as she was sat in her car on the end of my street, I made it look like I had not noticed her of course and went about my day.

I was eating and drinking a lot, especially drinking, I was taking a lot of tabs even with alcohol, I was a mess. It was a lot of emotions and to try and deal with, and I had to hear my inner voice and intrusive thoughts just speak so little of me and tell me I'm the bad guy. I was evil. I was to blame for all the rot and for the disintegration of my relationship of 4 years. She blocked me and during this time and processing of things you know, I'd look up her profile and check to see what she was doing and who she was seeing, and I had sneaky suspicion as to who it was, and I have seen and confirmed it, and it made me angry, I did nothing about it other than blocking the guy. I have seen people who I thought I was friends with and liked me turn on me and support them on their relationship and I seen people I thought of as friends posting "congrats, you never looked so happy", "I'm so happy for you", "you deserve each other." The same people that said the same thing to me when I was with my ex. Instead of hanging out with me and meeting up when we had free time in our schedules they would be supporting them. My enemies. That pissed me off, and it made me weed out the poison in my head's garden, and so I removed those people and added them to my hate filled anger that scathed and burnt away at me and coursed through my veins.

I went unemployed for several months. I landed a new job in a beautiful care home, but I could not stick it out because I was not well and in the right headspace for it, so I left it after a month.

There were some things I also felt I had to come to terms with and bury. I have had a lot of resent and regrets of course and I can't do anything about it. I buried my connection to being a father. Me and the ex had 2 miscarriages. So those feelings, the mindset of being a dad and the mentality I carried along with the memories I have put away, I have buried them in a box in order to cope and to move on with my life. I was a dad. I was a lot of things with my ex and through it all, I ensured I was a good man and a good father. Maybe in future relationships a lot of who I am will not come back up on display for my next partner because of the hurt and suffering I have endured during the 4-year relationship I had previously. I do still want to be an actual father to a physical child though. I've had times where I have not and right now I feel like it is something I want because I have kinda always wanted it, it's like a dream. People tend to dream about these fancy moments or dream jobs and I have always dreamt of having my own wife and kids, and so I want that to happen. I want a good woman. I want a son and a daughter. Furthermore, I am human, and these things make me human.

So to continue back to the events of last year, I dug deep into my savings almost spending every thing I had to just survive until I had a new full time job. I went 4 months without a job. My anger was still there, frustration mixed with it over being unsuccessful with employment and opportunities. My sadness was also there.

I found a new job, one I'm still with to this day and although my first month there was tough and gruelling I did enjoy it as opposed to former employers. Funny thing is, it's opposite my old employers haha and yes I did see my ex 2 times in all the time since then to now. Anyway, my first month on my new job, I injured my back lifting heavy objects, so I had some time off and came back and been OK since.

I have seen Rammstein in Cardiff and it was an insane gig! Also attended WWEs Cardiff Ppv clash at the castle.

You know something silly, I have been anxious a lot about going to the local cinema as myself and the ex worked there. I was anxious because I didn't want to run into her or her now partner, because I feared on what I would do or say out of my emotions. I feared lashing out. Happily enough, I am strong-willed and minded because I kept my cool and did not show I cared when I saw certain people and I ignored some very existence. If you don't have the time of day for me, I don't have it for you either. You are with me or against me.

Since January 2023 I've been getting into a better lifestyle and up to now I have lost 3 and a half stone. It's hard work, but it's worthwhile, same as my job.

It's currently now April 13 2023, I am in a much better mental headspace than I have been in years right now. I don't drink much and last time I drank heavily was New Year's Eve 2022. I'm not financially secure, but I work hard as hell and I get a lot of love and praise for it. From my colleagues, to my bosses to even customers, and I'm proud and happy of it and all the love and appreciation I get for all I do. Of course, I wish I had more hours and money that's my goal to work my way back up in the bank. I also want to lose 5 stone, and I'm over half way there. In spare time I'm looking for work, gaming, writing, socialising with friends, making videos, blogging, watching films, attending shows and gigs, listening to music and working out in the gym. I've had my TikTok and YouTube blow up in views.

So, to summarise life is something else, I have been down many times, but I prevail, and I get back up. I don't think I'd ever gotten back up from last year if it wasn't for my special band of friends and family. Layla, Annika, James, Jared, Chlo, Kayl, Lewy G thank you all for doing your part and then some, I love and appreciate you all. Thank you for saving this man, and thank you for cheering me on when I was struggling to continue on. The world needs more people like you all, and I hope you are reading this. Know that if you have helped me that I thank you and I love you. I always will be in your debt and I always will be there for you all, no matter what.

Thank you to my work family and work friends they have also been so lovely, supportive and welcoming to me. Chlo, Bret, Tom, Brandon, Tracy, Sophie, Eva please know I love you all and I am grateful for you all. I don't even know if you will read this but thank you. 

Now saved the best for last, my dear reader. I want to thank you for following my story and this post and my blog in general. Thank you for any and all the support given to me. Please follow and support me on my social media's and chat with me anytime you wish.

I appreciate you!

Thank you!

I'm A Demon Slayer (original poem, lyrics, homage)

I'm a Demon....Slayer,
I'll cut off your head,
Demon....Slayer,
I will bring you, your end,
Demon....Slayer,
I'll kill you dead,

North East, North East,
Your mission is there,
Demon's say a prayer,
Through the snow, I go,
I will stop your feast,

I'm a Demon....Slayer,
I'll cut off your head,
Demon....Slayer,
I will bring you, your end,
Demon....Slayer,
I'll kill you dead,

South, South West, South West,
There I go to my next quest,
With the forest ahead,
The air it's filled with dread,
Come face me demon, So I can cut off your head,

I'm a Demon....Slayer,
I'll cut off your head,
Demon....Slayer,
I will bring you, your end,
Demon....Slayer,
I'll kill you dead,

With my Nichirin blade,
My sword will be a different Shade,
As I breathe in with total concentration,
I exhale and swing my blade with frustration,
You will suffer for all you have done,

Blood demon art, your head shall depart,

I'm a Demon....Slayer,
I'll cut off your head,
Demon....Slayer,
I will bring you, your end,
Demon....Slayer,
I'll kill you dead,

Flower, Love, Flame, Sun, Sound, Mist,
Serpent, Thunder, Stone, Insect, Wind, Beast,
Water,
These are the way's, my breathing can kill you,

I'm a Demon....Slayer,
I'll cut off your head,
Demon....Slayer,
I will make you dead,
Demon....Slayer,
I'll bring about your end,

Hinokami Kagura, I'm a Hashira,
Set your heart ablaze, This is a lifestyle and not a phase,
Dead calm, Six fang,
I'll bring down Muzan and all the upper clan,
Thunderclap and flash!,

I'm a Demon....Slayer,
I'll cut off your head,
Demon....Slayer,
I will bring about your end,
Demon....Slayer,
I'll kill you dead,
Demon....Slayer,
Now, OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!

The Sophie Lancaster Story & The Sophie Lancaster Foundation

Sophie Lancaster was a young woman who was murdered for being different. She and her boyfriend Rob were creative, artistic people who dressed in their own unique way which was more accustomed to the alternative music scene. They were sadly attacked by a gang of five boys in a park in Lancashire on 11 August 2007. The gang attacked Sophie’s boyfriend first and then turned on her, carrying out a brutal and sustained attack. Sophie remained in hospital for 13 days, before her family following medical advice agreed to life support being switched off.

Sophie died on 24 August 2007; she was just 20 years old. There was a heart breaking program made by the BBC titled "Murdered for being different" back in 2017 and it followed Sophie's story and was made to honour Sophie and raise awareness.

I first discovered the Sophie Lancaster Foundation and about Sophie and her story through this BBC program and I was shocked, devastated and filled with anger, because it's a story that hits close to home with myself and I can resonate with, as I'm very much apart of the alternative music scene and have been bullied and beaten up in school for the music tastes I have and for the way I have looked. I felt so angry because these five boys could have just left things be and walked away done nothing and everyone would have walked away just fine but they went too far and no one especially Sophie deserved that attack and it makes my blood boil to this day that this would happen and has happened to Sophie and to others too.

Sophie’s mother, Sylvia had decided during the long hours at hospital when Sophie was better, they would go into schools and talk to young people about difference, and how it is ok to be who you are and express yourself in your own way. Sadly, Sylvia never got a chance to do this with Sophie. Sylvia was determined that she would carry on this work and The Sophie Lancaster Foundation was established as a lasting legacy to a beautiful life cut short by violence.

THE SOPHIE LANCASTER FOUNDATION

STAMP OUT PREJUDICE, HATRED AND INTOLERANCE EVERYWHERE.

The Sophie Lancaster charity works to promote tolerance and acceptance for others however different. The Foundation’s mission is to stamp out prejudice hatred and intolerance everywhere. When news of the attack broke donations was sent to Sophie's home and many events, concerts got set up and raised money for the foundation and to also raise awareness. The foundation also notably worked with Coronation Street for a recent storyline on the tv program. 

The Foundation was registered as a charity in 2009, their goals are as follows; To create a lasting legacy to Sophie. To provide educational group-works that will challenge the prejudice and intolerance towards people from alternative subcultures. To campaign to have the UK Hate Crime legislation extended to include people from alternative subcultures.

In 2013, Greater Manchester Police became the first police force in the country to monitor hate crimes and incidents against alternative people. It is a huge achievement for the charity that a total of 18 police forces in England and Wales now do so. The charity regularly participates in conferences, events and schools and even prisons to spread Sophie's word and legacy to teach others the devastating impact of their negative words and violence towards others and to share Sophie's story. In hopes to educate others to do better and to be kind.

R. I. P Sophie Lancaster

R. I. P. Sylvia Lancaster 

(Sylvia recently passed away as I was writing this blog post. She will be very much missed. She was a truly remarkable woman. She made a difference in this world. Rest in Peace Sylvia.)

Please share and raise awareness

Please be kind and gentle to everyone out there.

Thanks for reading,

Stay Shiny!

Ghost Live in Birmingham April 15 2022 - Review

April 15th 2022
I am in the car and on my way to Birmingham with my best mate James Evans to go see the awesome band known as Ghost! I cannot wait! I cannot believe I am actually going to see them!!! I absolutely loved their new album and I love them!  

The Birmingham Resorts World Arena is where I am today at seating near the frickin stage with James to see Ghost, it's a massive beautiful building and it is slowly filling up as we all await to hear a night of great music. The bar charges me £7 for two 500ml bottles of Coke, I feel as if I have been robbed ahaha. 

Anyway here comes the first band Twin Temple. A very weird unique and pretty cool band I have never seen nor heard of before. They tell us all to raise our horns and to say "Hail Satan!" and we all do as you do because Satanism is not as bad as you think. This is a mad mix of music I have no idea what to think of Twin Temple, Satanic Ska Metal? Satanic female fronted Madness band basically. 

Time for a quick piss break before Uncle Acid & The Deadbeats come on and oh......it's super busy I cannot move yet get to a pisser, well I will hold it in and pee later....

Uncle Acid & The Deadbeats are here and they say they are going to ruin our night? Well they were fucking fantastic because it was very much Black Sabbath meets Rush. Doom slow heavy metal instrumentals with the higher vocal style of Rush. That is what they basically sounded like and I really enjoyed them, headbanged quite a bit to them actually. 

Oh here go the lights and a roar of the crowd deafens me for here come the clergy and the one and only Papa IV too! Pyro, confetti and, of course, some classy costume changes from Papa Emeritus IV, making his UK debut. Ghost have given us a party and what a hell of a party this is with a massive steller stacked setlist! Papa Nihil is here!!!! What a sax solo and like that he is gone again! When the fire works goes of it makes a hell of a deafening bang and when the fire goes off you can feel the heat from your seat and I cannot imagine how hot it must be on stage in all of Ghost's regalia when the fire balls hit! The Ghouls mess around whilst Papa has a quick costume change and we are met with Iron Man, god bless you Birmingham! Enter Sandman is played and it's the best most unique cover of this metal classic! Square Hammer is here to close this amazing set which has been nonstop and holy shit was this one of the best concerts I have ever been to. 

Ghost Setlist: Imperium, Kaisarion, Rats, From the Pinnacle to the Pit, Mary on a Cross, Devil Church, Cirice, Hunter's Moon, Faith, Spillways, Ritual, Call Me Little Sunshine, Helvetesfönster, Year Zero, Spöksonat, He Is, Miasma, Mummy Dust, Kiss the Go-Goat

Encore: Enter Sandman, Dance Macabre, Square Hammer

Check out my review for Ghost - Impera album here - https://1stmetalgodsblog.blogspot.com/2022/04/ghost-impera-album-review-classic.html

Thanks for reading and visiting my blog, stay shiny!

The Call Of Depression - (Original poem)

It comes from the deep, it watches as you sleep, nowhere to go, nowhere to hide, none may escape the tide, he gazes deeply to the bottom of our souls, he knows all, sees all, he brings the insurmountable death toll, the bells ring and people scream, 400 feet high this is not a dream, you are not going insane just don't look into his gaze, for this day we die.  

My body aches, its arms constricting all that exists depleting, death chaos and destruction light up its unimaginable eyes, it creeps ever so silently, we have to fight blindly, no where to go, no one to call for help, its dragging me under to sleep and be devoured like kelp.

Bloodcurdling screams echo around me, I cant stand this insanity, someone put me out of my misery, tears are rolling down my face whilst the monster drags me to its face, it breaks my ribs, I look at its gaze and I'm all out of place, I cant remember where I am, what is this, damn. Flashes, red flashes, bright cannot see, its anger lashing out at me, it won't let me go, it's trying to lead me astray from the light, its showing me I'm not good enough and I'm not worthy of existing, I think I'm going further out to sea and I might jump in, I cannot swim but I cannot breathe right now, everything is too much, I don't know what to do, it's hands cut my wrists and spreads open my flesh.

I'm taking leap despite it's hands wrapped around my neck, I'm bleeding profusely, I think I'm done goodbye, humanity.

Grey Skies (Original song/lyrics/poem)

The Grey skies are here,

My eyes have clouded over, from the grief,

I can't see the light,

Awaaaaay from the light of day,

Grey Skies, they haunt me, (they haunt me)

Grey skies, got a hold of me, (they got a hold of me)

Stay with me and hold my hand,

In the walk through never ever land,

I've been Peter, Always looking for my Wendy,

That mean ol Captain went and took her away from me,

It all happened so fast, in the blink of the eye of the tik tokin crocodile,

The grey skies are here, Peter can't you see,

My eyes have, clouded over and he's there tormenting,

A mean voice in the back of my head,

I shy from the bright of day,

Laying awake in bed at night, my shadow keeping me....awake,

Grey skies, wendy haunts me,  (she haunts me)

Grey skies, have their hold on me, (have their hold on me)

Tink, tink, tinkering with the bell,

A voice appears, grimacing a glee,

He insists it's Schmee, 

I lost my friends the only boys i see, 

When they all lost their faith.... in me, ( in me)

The grey skies are here,

They suffocate me drowning out the...liiiight,

I can't breathe, 

The night fills me with fright,

I lost my belief in magic this night,

The grey skies, above me, (they're haunting)

The grey skies, have their hold on me (they have a hold on me)

written 3:11am

13/12/20

by Scott Jones

1 IN 8 (original song lyrics)

They said it wasn't going to be easy,

I took it to heart,

I lost a piece of me,

Growing with you,

I became 1 in 8 and indulged in self hate,

I lost my mind and grew cold inside,

Cold now soaks me,

A heavy cloud above my head,

That sinking gut feeling,

it's real heavy,

Depression and anger make life no easy feat,

I am one in, one in, one in, 8

Remember when the news hit,

We got ecstatic and were laughing so much,

Then the red sea came along and brought blood,

It was a lot on you but i held your hand throughout,

You were afraid but acted like such a brave soldier,

Whilst i was calm and strong for you,

As i made you laugh, despite being in pain,

The dr's came to us, they broke our hearts,

We raged, we screamed, we cried, without letting out any sounds,

We felt our whole world crumble around, 

A dream which came true had just disappeared,

It was snapped out of existence and leaves us in pieces,

Memory of that time was dark, clouded still,

To know what we was feeling, to think was it real,

Cold now soaks me,

A heavy cloud above my head,

That sinking gut feeling, 

it's real heavy,

Depression and anger make life no easy feat,

I am one in, one in, one in, 8

We've held a lot up inside us, (You can try again)

We've put out a lot in the front, (Don't worry it wasn't time)

We've been torn up, from the inside to the out, (You should have been protected)

Resent, Regret, Repent, Repent, 

GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME,

SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!, 

I'M ONE IN 8!, 

Cold now soaks me,

A heavy cloud above my head,

That sinking gut feeling, 

it's real heavy,

Depression and anger make life no easy feat,

I am one in, one in, one in, 8

written 8/8/20

The Tale Of Skald (original lyrics/poem)

Though evil may come,
Demons may run,
But they will come to know the might,
They all fear the light,
You are the might of us all!

Skald,
The bold and mighty one,
Strength of a thousand suns,
Skald,
The one and only,
Highlander of us all!,

Demons come in their masses,
To pillage and deliver us to ashes,
But they fear the might,
They are all afraid to fight,
You the strong arm of our souls!

Skald,
The brainy and holy,
Wisdom of the almighty,
Skald,
The graceful one,
The saviour of us all,

With their shields out and swords raised,
They stand before the mighty one,
Shivering in fear,
Waiting for him to strike in anticipation,
With a sword of iron and a fist of fury,
They await his move,

Skald,
The strong and mighty,
Strength of a thousand suns,
Skald,
The almighty,
Power of us all in one!,

He vanquishes his foes with a swipe of his sword,
With a strike of his fist he pushes hundreds away,
Ten thousand enemies lay beneath his feet,
Hail Skald the holy mighty one,
Skald friend to all,
Foe to no man!

HAIL SKALD!

Rise UP ATTACK! (poem/lyrics)

With blood on the floor,

We beg for no more,

You invaded our lands,

We offered nothing but peace,

But you raped our women,

You enslaved our kids,

You killed our men,

You made the tribe go extinct!

Their hands are dirty,

Although they are clean,

You can see the cruelty in their eyes,

No remorse or any humanity in them,

They hunt the ones who run,

They hunt us down like animals!

STOP THE KILLING!

Our skin boils and blisters from the burns they inflict upon us,

Our blood gets hot from them laying their filthy hands on our women,

Our children are filled with rage and agony,

Stop it.....

Stop this.......

Stop it....

JUST STOP!

We have asked them nicely and been nothing but kind,

When we should have attacked them all along,

Now we strike when they least expect,

We will rise up,

We will attack, 

RISE UP!

ATTACK!

Break rocks against their heads my brothers,

Snap their necks like the legs of a spider,

Gouge their eyes with our fire pokers,

Kill them all and avenge our fallen!,

RISE UP AND ATTACK!

Break their necks!

Slit their throats!

Snap their bones!

DRINK FROM THEIR SKULLS!

This is our land, 

They shall not forget as the wounded live to see another day,

We will not forget this,

We will rebuild from the invaders ashes,

We will RISE UP AND ATTACK!

Judgement Day (poem/lyrics)

As the mist gathers,
The fog thickens,
As night falls,
Darkness rises,
And things go bump in the night,

Give birth!
to the dark,
Awaken!
the dragon,
Rise up!
The demons below,
Beware
IT'S JUDGEMENT DAY!

Forces of evil,
Rise up from the ground,
Sleep no more,
Settle the score,
Take the lives of the innocent,
Satisfy your anti-christ,

Celebrate our saviour!
Of the dark,
The Lord awakens!
Ready to claim souls,
With a fiery burst!
Dragons
RISE!!!!

When the fires blaze,
As the innocent burn,
Realise your demise,
Darkness Falls,
Darkness Prevails,

The End Of Light!
Now lays the shadow of death,
Walk through the valley!,
Suffer in agony,
Watch as your friends and family perish!
OBLITERATE!

Armies of chaos ride,
The time is nigh,
End of days is here,
Beg for mercy so you may live,
Peace is a choice,
You will survive if he lets you!,

YOU'VE SQUANDERED YOUR CHANCES FOR TOO LONG
NOW I AM HERE TO SAVE THE DAY
THE GOOD IS TOO CORRUPT
EVIL RISES AND WILL RESHAPE THE WORLD
ESCAPE IS AN OPTION
BUT SOMETHING YOU CAN'T RUN FROM
LET THIS BE A LESSON TO YOU ALL
HATE ALWAYS WINS IN THE END
YOUR SUFFERING HAS ONLY BEGUN
WELCOME TO THE END OF DAYS, THIS IS JUDGEMENT DAY!

As the mist gathers,
The fog thickens,
As night falls,
Darkness rises,
And things go bump in the night,
As you stare long into the abyss,
Be careful for it may stare back at you.

When the dragons rise,
And warriors of chaos ride,
Stay vigilant of the valley,
There's a shadow and death follows,
Don't stray from the light,
For darkness falls and it reigns supreme
TONIGHT!

Where's The Humanity!? (original song/poem)

How many times have we played this game?.
How many people have lost their names?,
How many more will have to live and suffer?,
How many more until the rich and corrupt are bored?,
WHAT'S THE SCORE!?,

Where's the humanity?!,
Sending our brothers to fight wars,
Wars the corrupt started in order to steal,
They drain our allies lands for oil and gold,
And all we have to pay for is in blood,
Where's the humanity?!,

Shell after shell,
Body after body,
Lay lifeless across the lands,
And it's all for what?,
This is not what humanity should stand for!,

Where's the humanity?!,
How many more have to die,
For king and country,
Send them over the top and wish them the best of luck,
Where's the humanity?!,

Die, die, die!,
The mini-gun's spin as they come to take your life!,
Die, die, die!,
So many people wounded cry,
Die, die, die!,

LOOK ME IN THE EYES!.

TELL ME IS THIS HUMANITY!?,

HOLD ME CLOSE WITH A KNIFE,

LET ME DIE!,

TAKE MY LIFE!.

We are not bulletproof,
Explosions happen and a troop all lose their limbs,
Higher ups like to try to fix the injured,
Only their corruption tell's them to send them back out to die,
Live to suffer and suffer to live!,

Where's the humanity?!,
Signing young men up to die,
Taking shrapnel to our eyes,
Ten ton hammers of steel strike,
Incineration is the signal fire and 50 cals burn our eyes,
Where's the humanity?!,

Where's the humanity?!.
Is it beneath those in power to care?,
When will they stop sending in the boys to do their deeds,
Will they ever help our veterans off the streets,
Or will they add us all to one mass grave!?,
Where's the humanity!?

Alone At Death's Door (original poem/short story)

A shot in the dark,
No light to be seen,
I bleed, oh how i bleed,
No weapons around,
Not a soul to be seen,
I crawl and i cry,
Alone,

There's no one,
My life is over and it was all for nothing,
In the end my errors,
Made me go down the wrong path,
And now i have no one,
Nothing to save me,

Alone at death's door,
I cry out for no more,
End the suffering,
Someone save me,
Please make this pain end,
Alone at death's door,

Who was there for me,
Who really cared,
When alone i dared,
I dared to be different,
I sacrificed everything for a dream,

Light fading from my eyes,
Blood seeping through my white shirt,
It drips and leaks,
Following me as i crawl to the light,

Alone at death's door,
I cry out for no more,
End my pain,
End my suffering,
Please lord save me,
I don't want to be alone at death's door,

A noise echo's in the dark, getting louder,
Louder still the noise gets as i see no longer,
Heart beat slowing down,
The noise is louder than ever,
I feel someone grip me,
Some one is talking,

They're talking to...me?,
What are they doing to me?,
They're, they're helping me?.
No they're saving me!,
But why?!,

Why i cry out ever so softly,
WHY i cry as my anger swells up inside me,
Why would anyone help me,
Why would i be worth the trouble,

I have always been alone,
I have thrown everything,
I have thrown everyone,
Away....

Even i....went away.

Alone at death's door,
A light shines bright to my vision,
That light which burns,
It travels left to right,
God this hurts,

Alone at death's door,
I cry,  And I feel the cold icicles fall down my face,
I feel the warmth in my chest go colder,
And colder still my heart beats,
But it gets slower,
My wound is tight now,

It hurts is this what it's like to be at death's door,
Is there more to life than this,
Is this where we all go,
Is this how its supposed to be,
Is this pain really true,
Was this the last time i got to see you,

Is this how i am to be remembered,
Alone at death's door,
Teary eyed and bathed in blood,
The fast paced world is slowing down now,
I can't see, The noise, the noises they're fading,

Alone at death's door,
I'm fading to black,
Don't let me live in obscurity,
Someone please remember me,
Be inspired by my good,
Forget my wrong doings,

Alone at death's door,
I see nothing,
I feel something holding my hand tight,
I'm going numb,
I hear silence.......

There's a shock!
There's another shock!
What gives?!

There's noise now but.........

It flat lines.......

The Rock Vs AJ Styles "THE GREAT ONE VS THE PHENOMENAL ONE!" Dream Match

A good big mania dream match could be The Great One Vs The Phenomenal One and the marketing has me excited and this is how i would book it. 

Build it up with war of words say like Rock makes an appearance on smackdown a month before wrestlemania to announce something but before he has a chance to say of his announcement. 

Speculation arises online of The Rock retiring from in ring competition following an on set film injury and that he is rumoured to announce retirement ahead of being inducted into the hall of fame. 

The Rock: "So the great one is out here and here tonight to announce something which has been going round in the news and it might be on your minds right now and so i and the wwe family have come to terms on that, that, The Rock will....." 

Aj Styles music hits and he comes out with a mic in hand and he talks walking down the ramp to the ring. 

Aj: "The Rock will be leaving my ring right now, i know, we all know Rock, because THIS IS THE HOUSE THAT A-JAY STYLES BUILT!" 

Rock: "The Rock did not invite you out here short round so do us all a favour and wipe your feet and leave my yard"

Aj: "Whoa now Rocky what are you doing here on smackdown? don't you know this is the house that AJ STYLES BUILT!?" 

Rock be all like "Oh The Rock knows who's house this is and the rock will tell you personally one on one with the great one that this is my hotel i run and layeth the smackdown way before you made a name for youself" 

Aj be like "I made a name for myself when you were off kissing babies and shaking hands trying to make it in hollywood, i've had more 5 star ratings than your whole hollywood career and while you were away those who came before me demolished your hotel and i came and i built the foundations to become the house you stand in today so show me some respect oh great one" 

Rock be like "Kid the rock wont lie you are good and they call you the phenomenal one the rock wants to know if you are what they say you are, the rock wants to see what you got" aj be like "I am phenomenal and i aint no kid, my name is A-JAY.." 

Rock interrupts: "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS! I will smack the disrespect out of your mouth and i will lay the smackdown on your candy ass!" 

Aj furious now walking back and fore "You wanna go, come on lets go right here come on!!!" 

Rock: "You want to go one on one? You really want to go one on one with the great one? Alright the fans seems to love this idea BUT the rock aint so sure you got what it takes to take me on kid" 

Aj: "What's wrong Rock? scared i'll ruin your hollywood face, huh? scared of my forearm breaking that face of yours? You scared huh rock? You chicken? Where's the great one you mention a lot of huh? where is he? or is he now a she because you left your balls in hollywood eh Rock?" 

Aj gets real heat, boos abrupt. 

Rock raises his eyebrow gets in aj's face. "The Great One is right here you soccer mom haircut looking son of a bitch" 

Aj hits rock, rock bottom to aj and the rock points at the mania sign and says 

"Great One Vs Phenomenal One, see you at mania bitch" .

Build up promos next few weeks. 

The Great One Vs The Phenomenal One! 

Mental Health Awareness poem

You don't want to know how i feel,

You don't want to know the truth of my mental health,

It's not a good thing for either of us,

In this mad world, no one cares unless you are pretty or dying,

Society is cruel to those too smart for their own heads,

I've been pushed, shoved, beaten, broken, scarred, left for dead,

I've considered ending my life and how easier it would be if i was stateside,

I've lied for years telling everyone "i'm ok" when i'm dying on the inside,

It's easier to say i'm ok rather than say i'm not,

Pretending for so long was something i thought was impossible,

How to actually feel i kinda forgot,

Ever been terrified that trying your hardest would not be enough?, 

I'm so fucking tired, I've thought too much, help me,

If this life does not kill you, the emptiness and loneliness will,

I put on a happy face every day i wake up and embrace the sun,

As my heart beats irregularly depressingly, 

My addiction is escaping reality, to see all of life's possibilities,

Life is strange and i'm lost with no direction in sight, 

The world for myself is right now in such blight,

I've lost who i am or supposed to be,

I've thought about the medical pills but never had the courage to act,

Demons on my mind, demons in my mind,

They feed me lies and insecurities,

They get me to listen and to obey them so much easier than the self love in my brain,

Those same monsters in my head are scarier than the monsters who hide under the bed,

I'm not good with feelings despite people proclaiming me to be a wordsmith,

I care too much and i wish i did not,

When i'm low there's no where to go,

Do you care that i hurt, Do you know how much i cry,

Do you wanna know a secret?, Know why? Neither do i,

I've torn my hair out of my scalp,

I've stressed so much and had palpitations,

I've suffered a panic attack in public space,

Forever I've felt alone sitting at home inside my own head,

I've always said and felt even through my darkest days that i have a fire burning,

I want to preserve that fire and keep it burning for always,

I need help sometimes to get back up and on my feet again,

It's hard to go to others when you don't even know how you are feeling,

I've felt awkward and uncomfortable with hugs and praises and shown love,

When really there's a part in my brain that gets unblocked and feels warm after a hug,

I've had no choice but continue going on down this road,

Hope is almost always on the horizon, 

I've often been the hope walking down the road,

My strength is unparalleled, that still does not mean i can break easily,

It's a challenge trying to stay strong all the time, 

I'll always blame myself for all the wrongs,

This is how i am, who i have been.

Had my Tarot Cards read

Had a tarot card reading it was quite interesting. 

Cards i had were;

1: Wheel Of Fortune

2: Chariot

3: Devil

4: Sun

5: Hierophant 

6: Death

It said the cards rep different things so 1 is how i feel, 2 is what i want most, 3 is my fears, 4 is whats going good for me, 5 is whats against me and 6 is outcome to current situation. 

Basically they told me good luck is coming, success is coming, i should have self confidence to change my current projectory, 4 is feeling confident and full of vitality, is i need to accept who i am and 6 is about a fresh start.

This is all gathered and taken from this website: https://www.free-tarot-reading.net/readings/174036263

I have been wanting to have my Tarot read and so i decided to try and i went to a few site but found this one to be pretty good. 

Llancaiach Fawr As A Kid (a ghost story)

When i was younger, i went on a school trip, we were a crowd of 30 on a bus, we were headed to an old house, an ancient house, a house of such rich history, a house that has not been lived in for quite some time, it was a manor house, it was haunted.....

We got there at this historic beautiful Victorian manor, got off the bus one by one buddied up with our friends and were swiftly greeted by people dressed as people of the past and they took us under their wings for an educational tour of this great manor house....

one by one we walked through the rooms, the kitchen, the bathroom, the lounge, then made our way upstairs to the ladies bedroom first, there in the corner was a crib and it moved very slowly as the floor boards also creaked and squeaked.......

I pointed at it and yelled "look its moving on its own", my school chums and the Victorian dressed actors turned round and the crib stopped and the Victorian lord told us that famously this has been spotted to be moving at times rocking back and fore and no one knows why or how.....

There' no breeze, no wind, it just moves on its own at times rocking back and forth by its own means, we ventured to the next rooms like the master bed room, where i smelled a smell of burning, and oak like scent but nothing more......

The next room was the armoury where all us kids and teachers sat down on benches and were told the history there of said armoury and of swords and armours and chain mail that was made or held there, when we got up and lined up to go downstairs and out into the gardens, i lost balance somehow and fell and i almost went down the stairs...........

I was alright got up dusted it off and followed everyone else out to the gardens, i had goosebumps when in the gardens on the tour i looked up at the manor house, i seen a figure in the window of the master bedroom, a lady, i thought it was one of the actors, but i never really knew the truth behind that one.......

I never had any real explanations of what i seen or felt that day and they still have me curious even to this day.........

I am the law (original poem/lyrics)

I've walked the beat, I've said my piece,

Yet I've never had to use it, stopping the signs, talking to strangers and shaking hands, 

I am the law, oh oh I am the law,

I've pointed my fair share and yelled, to stop the assailants, I've chased on foot, 

I've locked them all up, I've driven after maniacs manically, 

I've secured the loot, I am the law, yeah yeah yeah I am the law.

I am the law, stopping criminals with ease, I am the law, 

I chase down the baddies and bring them to justice, I am the law, 

I've never used my piece, I come in peace, I am the law.

Imagine the scenes, tape everywhere, not your average Tuesday night, 

the assailant might still be in the area ready for a fight, 

I'm always ready to parry any strike, 

I am the law, oh yes indeed I am the law,

Out of the corner of my eye. A struggle my partner is taken, held hostage against us all, 

this is all new to me, stop we can help, lower the weapon and let my partner go, 

do this and you'll be free too.

I am the law, the sweat is dripping from my brow, this isn't going to end with ease, 

sir can you listen to our pleads, please, I am the law, let me help you. 

Let's help each other, I am the law no one has to get hurt,

A trigger clicks, assailant is stressed, scared, backed into a corner, 

this is it, now or never, my hand slowly goes for my piece as I keep the killer talking, 

listen to his demands, make him seem as if I can arrange all he wants, partner is gawping at me,

I am the law, I yell and aim my gun, I am the law, no more chances you've had your fill, 

I am the law I breathe in and pull, I am the law, the bullet flies through mid air. 

I am the law, my God I've killed him, I am the law,

I was sentenced to jail, I am the law, this is a disillusion of grandeur, 

I am the law..........