Unable To Sleep, Broken Hearted, Dearly Departed. (Original poem)

I be tossing and turning, unable to sleep, My minds at a loss trying to count the sheep,
I can't move, i can't make a sound, Not even a bleep, All these overbearing things that are on my mind, how they creep.

Thoughts unwanted, head uneasy, am i keeping in too much, My inner voice it echo's such negativity, i want it to shush, I'm having breakout and breakout, skin can't take much more, If i open my mouth and let the unwanted out, will i be sore?.

I know i can't save the world, I know i am limited, I've got the biggest heart, I'm easy to be manipulated, My heart has been broken, torn and worn, These have been some of the best days of my life, I could have sworn.

Pandemic came and created much scare, I gazed into the existential void and await in much despair, 

My head is always sad, I always distract and avoid, I have a short fuse, people easily wind me up and I get so annoyed. 

I feel as if no one cares, no one is here, no one is there, Having lost family, cut off friends, I am signalling a flare, Before me now stands a door, i knock and ask who's there, Darkness and smoke surrounds the room, the bells toll but for whom?.

I have many unanswered questions and many missing scenes, A big part of me has left me to fend on my own, my soul it screams, What do i do, repeats over in my thoughts, was it all for naught?, What am i to do, what do i say, what about the future and the plans we made today. 

Will you befriend me, will you please keep in contact with me, we have a special connection you see, I will always love you and will never forget you or all our good times, this poem has many lines, I started writing this two years ago, late at night unable to neverland i go, Life is strange and this is sad, hope lives, It should always last. 

Sick of the stress, of the anger and diservice of employment, I deserve a better life, brim with enjoyment. The need to be fit is a long lasting goal, with more free time and a better stress-free work/life balance, I should be rolling in the dough. 

I want to raise a family and a home of my own, I want to be happy for the rest of my life, I am almost 30 now and I am scared more than ever of the unknown and of father time, I hope this is going well for you reading this as it's quite hard to rhyme,

I hope you read this and feel something, I wish the one who inspired and helped me for 4 years reads this and knows how special they will always be to me, Keep in touch and catch up sometime with me, I want to know if you will be safe and well, It's time to wrap this up now and to go to sleep. 

I wrote the first two paragraph's back 6/1/2020 @3:30am. Paragraph 3 onwards was written and completed on this date as of writing right now 14/4/22 @3:30am. 

R.I.P. Grampa Dillon

A month ago on the 13th August 2020. Tragedy struck me and my family once again this year as we suddenly and shockingly lost my beloved Grandfather. It's been a hard and challenging and very upsetting scary year. This one still has me just in so much disbelief. I have attended his funeral and it hit me so hard then but i am still filled with such shock and disbelief as i continue to grieve. 

I don't quite know what to say, there's no words😭😞

Honestly I'm shocked and I'm sad at the sudden loss of my Grampa. Grampa Dillon was a wonderful intelligent funny man, he introduced me to Batman, Wallace & Grommit, Motorbikes, RAF and even to TNA (even if he was channel flicking and seemed to be just going woah what the hell kind of ring is that? Its got 6 sides). 

He was a tall man, a great man, a gentleman, the best Grampa and I'm gonna miss him loads. 😭😭😭😭😭❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

I dislike this year so much, it's taken so much away from me, life has not been fair and it's been tough to walk in my shoes this year😖😥😞😢😭😩😫

Four Words - Poem/lyrics original

Unable to sleep,

Unable to dream,

My silence haunts me,

Unable to move,

Unable to feel,

Is this really real,

Four words, you said to me,

Four words, they hurt me,

Four words, they cut me deeply,

Four words, they still haunt me,

The day was sunny, bright,

You were smiling, having the time of your life,

What went wrong, how did it go wrong?,

You said three words, which meant the world to me,

But now it's no longer true,

I'm cold, unable to warm up,

I'm numb, unable to get hurt,

I'm silent now, a ghost set to haunt,

I'm transparent and paralysed,

I'm dying on the inside,

Four words, you said to me,

Four words, they hurt me,

Four words, they cut me deeply

Four words, oh how they haunt me.

written 24/5/20

Triggered - Poem/Lyrics original

With shoulders tensed, anger swells,
My hands shake, tremendously,
I have the urge, the urge to strike,
Such mighty need, will i fulfil it,
What will it take, to tear the anger apart,

Triggered, again by insecurities,
Triggered, again by jealousy,
Triggered, again by over expecting,
Triggered, again by withholding
Triggered, by how i am feeling,

With gut at unease, rage soars,
My blood is pumping, exceptionally,
Hands clenched, knuckles crack,
What's the first thing to get smacked,

Triggered, again by insecurities,
Triggered, again by envy,
Triggered, again by past,
Triggered, unable to cope

With the room spinning,
My ears start ringing,
The eyes are blacking out,
No one is safe, not even myself,
Am i becoming a monster,
Am i becoming that which i am not,

Triggered, The rage consumes my skin,
Triggered, I'm burning from within,
Triggered, My body is trembling,
Triggered, Blackouts causing memory gaps,

Forgive me for i have sinned,
I lost control, I became that which i promised i am not,
I controlled, i obsessed, i stepped out of line,
Boundaries were crossed, Lives were at risk,
Mentally unsafe, triggered, now i plead insanity.

R.I.P. Nana Jones

I love you lots Nana❤❤❤❤❤❤ You meant the world to me, we had such a laugh from all the times you baby sat me as a kid, to our adventures out and about and down Porthcawl on holiday. Your "yisee mawrs" and "jesus thomas" always made me laugh and I will miss them greatly. Such a great, wonderful, funny, cheeky woman I've had such an honour to have known and it's been an honour to be your grandson. I'll continue to make you proud and make everyone laugh on your behalf. Thanks for the memories and laughs, I love you so much and I'll miss you....always. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

It's a crazy world and we're in such a crazy time and year at the moment and I'm saddened and lost for words on losing you but I can sleep easy knowing your not in pain or suffering anymore and that you'll have a hell of a party up there with Datsy and Kenny and Scooby! ❤❤❤❤❤

In loving memory of my amazing, wonderful Nana. I've donated and I'm raising awareness for Dementia.👍😊 My mother and sister did a lot for my nan in her last years and took such great care of her and they are such wonderful women and superheroes for all they did and continue to do so thank you both.😊❤❤❤ The nurses who also came to take care of my nan I can't thank enough either. They allowed my mother and sister to have a break from their constant care of my nan and we can't thank them enough for what they did to. From getting my nan up and putting her to bed to doing her some lovely cuppa's and giving her, her fave foods and fave biscuits, the rich tea kind of course.😄 

I miss my Nana a lot and I know it's hard times and this just all feels like a bad dream but I know and find comfort in that she left this world in peace and she is not suffering and in pain anymore. She's reunited with my Datsy and Uncle Kenny now so that's why we are blessed with such gorgeous weather as the heaven's are smiling and she's letting us know that she's safe, she loves us all and she's at peace. 

I love you so much my Nana. Enjoy time with Datsy and enjoying John Wayne movies.

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤