Tell me something my dear, how is it that I have lived for 30 years on a planet of 8 billion souls and yet, it's only now I'm discovering I'm actually living. I have no idea how I have made it this far without you, and without this overwhelming feeling of happiness and how sensitive I am to your care, actions and words, that make me tear up from this powerful feeling called love.
Love looked like a fairy tale, It looked luxurious and beautiful. I have seen what I thought was love and I have also been in what felt like love but it was like something not for me with how I was shown and given love.
I'd be yelled at and feeling scared and confused and told it was love. I was hit and shoved and reminded it was just love. I was bullied and belittled and was explained it was coming from a place of love. Yet those examples made me feel low and question myself. It makes me question and overthink myself to this day. There's been people I felt love for but it wasn't really love it was admiration because I felt human in how I was initially treated but alas being too nice for your own good is apparently the worse thing you can be when in this "love". My head makes me want to check and get confirmation and make sure I feel and am treated well and loved and the other person loves me and tells me and shows me. For all these years I've been blindly led through life where being nice only gets you hurt and pain. Trusting someone is hard to do now because of the years of torment my soul has endured and for how much my light in this world has been dulled.
I was told "I love you but" too many times to count where I know the next line will be "I'm seeing someone else or I like someone else". How crushing it is to pour your heart out and to have the water of your heart frozen solid and then crushed to pieces by someone you trusted and thought you loved, or to have that person pull out a knife and stab you in your heart and your brain and to feel one or the two break or snap. I've cried for ages Infront of someone who told me it was over and first it was dread and anxiety leading up to a statement being told to me of how it's over and how then I feel an ice cold dagger pierce my heart and I feel the cold blade shiver my body as my heart begins to get cold and ache. While tears flow furiously from my eyes and I blabber trying to scramble to gain answers as to why this pain is happening and all that I am feeling, my brain snaps and my tears decrease and my pain numbs as I then start laughing and smiling. Reassuring myself that it's all okay and it's fine and that I thank the other for the years we had and wish them well as I depart from their presence never to see them again. You get told "please don't do anything stupid, let me know when you get home safe" and you think to yourself "wow they still care, maybe a friendship could still happen" as you dive in deeper into your delusion.
Through delusion the heartbreak endured and grew worse, then came anger and betrayal and worthlessness, through those things became a downward spiral of ill intent. Through pills, alcohol, food and trauma came a wall of "stop or you won't be here anymore I'm serious" and so the inner mind of sound body and mind came out and instructed me to kill off the memories of pain, close up, burn, seal off all the trauma and that person and time to wise up and become a better person. Although i have been broken for a long time I've never liked seeing anyone sad or hearing they were not doing good so I would always take the mantle of being a star and raising others up and listening and doing whatever I can no matter how big or small a gesture it was to make sure I can make someone's day and someone laugh and smile. Years of pain of bullying of not seeing yourself as worthy of happiness or worthy of love teaches you that no one should feel that way. Looking back at those times why did I allow myself to feel like that for so long?
You close memories and people and seal them off in the back of your minds hoping to never see or hear them again but sealing them away doesn't always work. Someone will remember something, a word or phrase is said or something said in a certain way and even seeing those ghosts of trauma appear really messes with your head. You feel such anxiety and dread, you don't wish them to cause any bad for you or others and you convince yourself you won't ever see or hear these ghosts again but triggers are a powerful part of trauma. The old feelings of hurt reappear but never all consuming, the anxiety is consuming, the memories of the past pain is all that ever appears of how you felt used and betrayed and how someone who was supposed to show you care and what was supposed to be love actually showed you the opposite so you are mad at yourself for allowing to stick with it for so long when you really should have left and endured a possible shorter pain than the path of pain you went on. You always wish if you could go back and do and say something else to avoid those wretched paths that took you through pain but it's important to remember always who you are and where you are and how strong you are for surviving the days you never thought you would.
30 years of life, thinking I'm broken, I'm defective, I'm no good, I'm too nice, overthinking is going to be my killer, I'm going to die at 30 because of my weight, I'm not worthy of happiness and love and then for an old familiar face I loved looking at years ago reappears and wants to sit by this brooding, scarred, old man and is helping nurse his wounds better and asking him questions and genuinely caring about his thoughts and his past and that he is as beautiful still as the day she first saw him. It's really something special. Although I have my fallbacks and feel low or not confident in myself or I'm not good enough etc she never sees me differently. She cares always and she smiles and caresses my face and wipes away my tears and snots with her beautiful eyes shining and her warm smile glaring at me. She's a lot like me and I am scared, so scared to hurt and upset her and to lose her. I love her hard and so much than I've ever loved anything in my life. Although my anxious attachment mind needs reassurance and hear and see and feel love she gives 40% of the time, the rest I just know and feel and believe and have never doubted. Sometimes my head gets messy because of my past and I end up thinking paranoid things and I cannot apologise enough for it, my past is not where I am anymore and I am finally alive but the trauma I have been left with just needs me needing more work on myself and needing her help in reassurance and healing hugs to keep it all away. Those scary mean feelings don't happen all the time thankfully but when they do I feel intense in my mind, someone could whisper something as a joke to me and I'll answer with fire breathing back. My angelic ladybug struggles with her own head at times too as she's been through a lot like me and still views herself as not this angelic woman that I've always seen and still see her as. She's told me her pains and shown me her traumatic scars and she's recoiled back from me thinking I'd leave and be disgusted by her when all I've ever been is warm, loving and gentle with her. I love her full stop and I love her without any conditions with my whole heart and soul and I will pour all of me into her always, I'm not half assing things I'm going full gear and I need her, I want her, I crave her in all forms. Despite how glorious making love is, sex isn't something I always want or care about, it's not what I want every day all the time with her, it's not about sex. It's about the love, the connection, the care and support and holding her and being held by her that matters the utmost to me. I've been a beast for years and lived like a zombie with no care and so much self hate towards myself. This woman is mine and she has opened my eyes to a whole new world, she has made my heart beat once again and become warm, she puts bandages and plasters on my mind and she keeps my soul warm. She is the apple of my eye, the sunshine in my grey days, the moon that glistens with the stars, the water to my crops, the missing piece of my heart, my soulmate, my warrior, my princess, my woman, my wife. No matter how many miles apart we have been, she has always made it clear and she has a mission to keep in touch with me. It's something I never expected because I never had this happen before with someone needing to talk to me every single day without fail and when they are super busy or stressed out, for my special lady to always be in touch with me makes me feel so honoured and special and makes me feel so loved and appreciated. I never get bored and I never get sick of her no matter how long it's been and how long we been talking and spending time together each day. I have needed her for the longest time and I'm so thankful and grateful I finally have her and get to spend so much time and my life with her. I wish to marry her, to live with her, to have our own family and I've never wanted those parts of my life to start more than I have right now. Wish I could fast forward to raising our son or daughter in the air and teaching them how the world works and about the importance of good manners and being kind. I want to fast forward to seeing our childrens children too, I want it all and I want it now quite frankly my dear. When we are apart I miss her like mad and I cant wait for things to get easier and I can't wait to see her. I miss her straight away when she leaves to go home or go away. I've never missed someone so much and needed time with someone so much. I am always made to feel safe, cared, loved, happy, heard and seen by her and with her. I love and appreciate her more than I can ever say. I hope she knows it and remembers each day, I wish for her to remember each and every day of my love and of how special she is to me and how I wish she could borrow my eyes and see herself through mine to see she needs not be hard on herself and that she truly is the gorgeous,sweet, kind, loving, caring, attentive angel I see every single day. We will always give eachother our best and treat everything equally and always support and love eachother every day without fail because it's natural to us to give to eachother so we love just like breathing we just do for eachother. We will always be there for eachother through thick and thin from this life to the next and more for our souls with intertwine like a fabled red invisible string where we are connected forever and ever. I love you baby❤️xxx
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