The Power Of Sleep

Tiredness, I have been a constant visitor for years and have even been the occupant. I've had so many late nights since my teenage days. So many late nights when the world would be quiet and nothing and no one would be expecting of me. 

I've revolted against early nights unless I was unwell or severely tired but I'd always get into bed and shoot up wide awake. 

The older I get the more I am taking in the amount of good an actual good rest and bedtime routine is. Let's try and fix myself by getting this sleep and routine that has eluded me for so many years. 

I have learned how little sleep really does take it out on the body, so I must remember to sleep 8 hours and stay hydrated. My body often wakes me up before my early morning alarms these days, which is an utter pain in the tubes but there was times in my life I have feared sleeping and stayed awake all night until I passed out because I feared falling asleep and not waking up. 

Fingers crossed this issue I have gets sorted and with enough sleep on a nightly basis that I actually start to feel right as rain once again. ☺️

Unable To Sleep, Broken Hearted, Dearly Departed. (Original poem)

I be tossing and turning, unable to sleep, My minds at a loss trying to count the sheep,
I can't move, i can't make a sound, Not even a bleep, All these overbearing things that are on my mind, how they creep.

Thoughts unwanted, head uneasy, am i keeping in too much, My inner voice it echo's such negativity, i want it to shush, I'm having breakout and breakout, skin can't take much more, If i open my mouth and let the unwanted out, will i be sore?.

I know i can't save the world, I know i am limited, I've got the biggest heart, I'm easy to be manipulated, My heart has been broken, torn and worn, These have been some of the best days of my life, I could have sworn.

Pandemic came and created much scare, I gazed into the existential void and await in much despair, 

My head is always sad, I always distract and avoid, I have a short fuse, people easily wind me up and I get so annoyed. 

I feel as if no one cares, no one is here, no one is there, Having lost family, cut off friends, I am signalling a flare, Before me now stands a door, i knock and ask who's there, Darkness and smoke surrounds the room, the bells toll but for whom?.

I have many unanswered questions and many missing scenes, A big part of me has left me to fend on my own, my soul it screams, What do i do, repeats over in my thoughts, was it all for naught?, What am i to do, what do i say, what about the future and the plans we made today. 

Will you befriend me, will you please keep in contact with me, we have a special connection you see, I will always love you and will never forget you or all our good times, this poem has many lines, I started writing this two years ago, late at night unable to neverland i go, Life is strange and this is sad, hope lives, It should always last. 

Sick of the stress, of the anger and diservice of employment, I deserve a better life, brim with enjoyment. The need to be fit is a long lasting goal, with more free time and a better stress-free work/life balance, I should be rolling in the dough. 

I want to raise a family and a home of my own, I want to be happy for the rest of my life, I am almost 30 now and I am scared more than ever of the unknown and of father time, I hope this is going well for you reading this as it's quite hard to rhyme,

I hope you read this and feel something, I wish the one who inspired and helped me for 4 years reads this and knows how special they will always be to me, Keep in touch and catch up sometime with me, I want to know if you will be safe and well, It's time to wrap this up now and to go to sleep. 

I wrote the first two paragraph's back 6/1/2020 @3:30am. Paragraph 3 onwards was written and completed on this date as of writing right now 14/4/22 @3:30am. 

Lost my direction/Depressing post

I will admit it.

I will admit weakness.

I admit people laugh and joke about me.

The people closest to me make me feel the furthest from them.

They laugh at what i do.

It hurts they may not see that and i may not always show it but it hurts.

From my brother joking laughing about me taking photo's.

To other family members calling me names or to question and questioning my sexuality due to myself not having a girlfriend or kids yet. 

Photo's is where i think i will start.

I see others taking photo's and it's looking better than mine more HD and pixels with watermarks and good lighting. People commenting they love it all the time.

While i get nothing on mine. It does sadden me.

Makes me question.

Why do i take photo's for, when others are better than me?

Why?

It's hard to feel depressed or continue to be sad listening to Glorious Bobby Roode WWE NXT THEME. Will continue later maybe.

Girls are so picky though. 

Annoying with no real expectations just out of this world high as fuck expectations they have. 

Being shy not knowing many girls and not being that godly expectation in terms of looks women want is why i do not have a girlfriend as of writing. 

It's annoying how girls on dating sites say they want muscled guys with beards and tattoo sleeves uh hello not every man is like that for fuck sake and if you want to date a channing tatum just get a poster and a dildo and have fun or watch magic mike and still get a dildo and go have some fucking fun. 

There has been loves and there has been girlfriends in the past but it's been years.

Fact most if not all of my friends have girlfriends is also quite sad since everyone is off having the time of their lives and i am here left behind on a lot of times, i don't mind nor care they have their own lives but you know i wish i had what they had if that makes sense?

It sucks being a bigger man than most.

Hard time finding clothes i like and want to wear and that are affordable.

I had a new xmas job and i can not help but to think i was not deserving or good enough for it and maybe thats why i was not kept on after xmas.

I'm panicking and worrying too much.

Money. It's always over money. 

Sleep i don't get much. 

4-6 Is my best.

When i get too much sleep i hate it and myself. 

When i get little sleep i hate myself and am a grouch. 

If i have 8 hours sleep i feel it was not enough. 

So i have lost my direction, my drive, to do the things i liked or like at this moment in time, i hope normal service returns soon

Can't be having me moping around or laying down even if the drs said i need to rest my foot more since i have injured it. 

Urgh.

Hope you are having a lovely time.

Thanks for the concerns.

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And for all the support it means a lot and i appreciate everyone of you. 

KEEP SENDING ME SUGGESTIONS FOR LISTS OR TOPICS TO DISCUSS! 

Thanks for reading, see you soon. 

Scott.