Jealous & Frustrated

I'm envious of those with more money than myself at this time. I'm jealous of those living their best lives with homes and luxurious holidays. Jealous of those with good paying jobs. 😔

I work hard, the role is often a drain because how boring and tedious it can be but I seek and apply for new roles only to not hear back or be put on hold.😓

I've had a lovely holiday this month the first in 2 years with my gf and I spent quite a bit, to be expected of course. It was worth it and I'd do it again in a heartbeat ❤️

The lack of hours at my employment however is frustrating and no extra hours or options to go cover another location have become available. I gained a new qualification but I need to gain experience to earn a placement so the next time something comes up I will be applying. 🤞

For now I am jealous and comparing my life to others and I want more in this life. I shouldn't compare but my head isn't right, it's in a rut wishing for better because it's frustrated and jealous and maybe tired of not having what I should be having. 🥺

I'm so frustrated lately. I hunger for more money for more fruit of life. I want more hours with work. I want more money. I want to go abroad. I want to do more.

Do more with my favourite person, my Mrs and take her nice places and treat her to good meals. I want more so badly. It's driving me mad, it's irritating me, angering me, it's frustrating me.

Makes me sad and feel left out to not have income and not do something, anything. I have bills to pay. Family members I wish to pay back for their time and for still giving me a roof over my head and food and water and electricity. I want to do more, I want to be successful. I want to help others and get a sense of feeling accomplishment.

Getting cabin fever stuck at home, I'm itching to do more. What more can I do, I'm applying for other work. Done online course recently for SEN Teaching and Autism Awareness. I wanna do more heavy lifting in the gym, I wish I had my own machines and equipment at home.

This too shall pass but for now I am venting my frustration in the ever lasting lack of employment hours and lack of money and the rising costs of living.

The 1000 Word Series: Confidence (EBOOK)

 

The 1000 Word Series: Fear (EBOOK)

 

The 1000 Word Series: Anxiety (EBOOK)

 

The 1000 Word Series: Depression (EBOOK)

 

The 1000 Word Series: STRESS (Ebook)

 

Men's Mental Health Month

June marks Men's Mental health month. So here's a post to raise awareness on mens mental health and how important it is.

A recent study shows, 50% of men suffered poor mental health. 26% have experienced suicidal thoughts and a whopping 78% of men don't want to talk about mental health due to embarrassment or stigma surrounding mental health. How shocking is this?

Often men like to escape what's bothering them. So they get absorbed taking on more work or watching more TV and sports or doing something else entirely to an unhealthy coping level which leads men to ignore their problems.

It's important to talk it out with people we as men, really trust. Make a journal on phone or written paper and to always ask for help. It's not silly and if someone laughs you off, say screw you and go to someone else.

Take your time, breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Remember this too shall pass and always reach out to others.

Late Night Ramblin's Vol9- Life October 2023

So it's been a while (again)......in my absence however my blog views have somehow increased? 

Thank you! Seriously thanks so much for that, it means a lot.

James Davie is who I have to also thank as he reminds me when I have not done a blog post in a while. Comments like that tend to snap me back to reality and shift my focus, so I am here to write a little bit about what's going on right now. Random Ramblin's? Maybe but this is another life update after all so who knows what I will title this when I am done and of course I'm putting this together through the day and night.

I've been busy with my two jobs as well as content creating and just playing games or watching TV or films you know any sort of media exposure, I have had. I've not felt inspired or motivated because of tiredness mainly to just write some stuff, I've not had ideas. Some reviews I've done on films are short on letterboxd, but it's not to the level of where I want to publish here. I know that doesn't matter or mean much to you reading, but I like my reviews here to have some sort of love and passion.

Job life

Job number 1 - Bartender

I started that job in July 2022, and I've recently resigned from that job. I resigned because the job wasn't fun and worth the stress any more. Furthermore, I wasn't getting the hours, so I had to take another job earlier this year which in turn seemed to have penalized me with management in Job 1. Hours were cut again and if I wasn't able to cover or wanted time off (with enough time given in advance) I'd be met with just general snarky behaviour and arguments. It wasn't good for me. Every time I got to the place I felt miserable. The constant road works and closures don't do me any good either but that's not the fault of the company of course. My friends who I met there were leaving or have left. My fave person there has gone on bereavement leave and I hated to leave without seeing her or welcoming her back, but there's no way I would have been happy with myself to continue being miserable and stressed in a job that doesn't satisfy me. When I handed my notice in and told my new supervisors they were supportive and so lovely. It was a great place to work at I used to look forward to the laughs and the team working together, but there's just selfishness there and no team work and lack of communication admist all my faves aka the good people leaving. I wish them all the best there, they are good people, and it's a nice place to visit, but I can't stay where I'm not happy. That's the truth, and I'm sorry if I have left anyone down or upset in my decision. Of course, I offended my managers there when I said that "it feels good that it's my last shift here.".

To my friends I made who I worked with please stay in touch and know that Chloe,Prim,Josh D, Ash, Caitlin, Bret, Yestyn, Brandon, Rachel, Sarah, Tatiana, Scott and Josh S, I hope you know how much I've loved working with you and if you should ever see this post know that I love you all and respect you all so much, and I can't wait to hang out and see you all again soon.

Job 2 - Customer Service Sales Assistant & Keyholder

So this job in the beginning I found boring, but now I love it and I love all who I work with and the customers. It's getting to be the busy season, so I'm excited and nervous for all the madness that awaits me. I love my co-workers and managers there, and it is local to my home. Besides parking charges there are no cons or complaints I have for the job. I got to focus my attention there and on being better and more knowledgeable of the job and place and products and a bunch of online training and get any and all extra hours I can there to bulk up my pay and experience and that's where my focus is at.

Mental Health

I still get that fake motivation where I want to or feel like I'm going to play some game on my PlayStation, but then I just don't get to do it. Videos I do get to do here or there it just depends on when I feel motivated to do them or when the idea or inspiration hits.

My weight loss has staggered, I'm still keeping the 4 stone I lost earlier this year off me, but it's tough the motivation I once had has staggered again. So it feels like a waiting game for some sort of lightning bolt to hit me to awaken me back to full power where I will do anything and everything haha. I got this hip issue ATM and also this weird wheezy cough so that's fun dealing with.

Dating wise I'm just always at the talking stage, so I guess, I need some help in that department. I've made more friends than I've had dates and the friends I've made are cool and different genders too.

Finished my Christmas shopping, I like to be early in that department.

TV Shows

The One Piece netflix TV show was absolutely lit!

Disney's Star Wars Ashoka show has been great, and it's not finished yet (at time of writing).

Futurama new season on Disney plus has its moments but overall I thought it sucked, unfortunately.

Power Rangers: Cosmic Fury was pretty good, I'd give it a 7/10.

Futhermore

As always I'm on tiktok and YouTube content creating videos besides writing here. You can also follow me and see more short reviews on my letterboxd profile.

@Youtube = 1stmetalgod

@letterboxd = Scotty2Jonesy

@Tiktok = Scotty2Jonesy

Only The Good Die Young - Original Lyrics/Poem - Sjones

Another heart's been broken today,
A young man down on his luck lost in the fray,
It's a ludicrous display of those in higher power,
Taking the poor's money, pushing the common folk lower,
What a terrible thing to do, it turns around your day,
They say stop, smile and hey, have you had 5 today?.

It's ok to feel alone and lost in the shuffle,
Only few know their life's purpose,
Many don't make it past 60,
Only the good die young,

Behold a distraught man, He has no plan,
He lost his life, thanks to the divorce from his wife,
Feeling no longer like he could go on,
Out of money, game over, would you like to continue,

It's ok to feel alone and lost in the shuffle,
Life is chaotic, manic, it's a struggle,
Many don't make it past 40,
Only the good die young,

Another head hangs low,
Behold another one lost without a soul,
He's blue, she's new, was it fate or destiny,
To spare you the long story,
It was not to be, he shot his shot and she hit his gut,

He lost his job and became a slob,

It's ok to feel alone and lost in the shuffle,
Only a few know their life goals and how to hit them,
Many don't make it past 30,
Only the good die young,

Pay attention, listen up, here's a man down on his luck,
Not born into wealth but born into hell,
His home broken where he dwells,
Abused, neglected and left alone to die,
He stands before you with a single tear falling from his eye,

It's ok to feel alone and lost in the shuffle,
when life's a struggle, take control, have a stroll,
Many don't make it past 20
Only the good die young,

Young men, lost, scared and confused,
Sign up to the army, one and all,
Drafted, ordered against their will,
Over the top, their leaders cry,
While men young and old are led astray to die.

It's ok to feel lost in the shuffle and all alone,
This is not the war you signed up for,
Many never make it out or back alive,
Only the good die young, only the lucky survive.

The male suicide rate is on the up,
Don't be a statistic, talk it out,
The voices lie, it's all in your head,
You are not better off dead,
Only the good die young it is said.

A Year Has Come To Pass

So it's story time.

It has been a year since my life went flipped turned upside down. Time to look back on everything April 13, 2022 to now.....

13/04/22

My girlfriend left me. Turns out she was seeing someone else, a guy I never liked who I also worked with. She claimed to hate him too, but it's obvious lies. Anyway after the split we agreed to keep in touch and be friends. Honestly, I was so hurt and upset. I was angry too. I wanted to hurt myself or worse, kill myself.

I had so much racing through my head, I immediately called Jared, and we met up I went to his. Hugged his mum and hugged Jared and went home played some games to try and just get some sort of calm to my feelings. All the while I was messaging and chatting to those people who were there for me. My family, Annika (Zin),Layla, Lewis G, Jared, James.

A few days after the break-up I went to Birmingham with my best bro James to see Ghost who are one of my fave bands and also Impera is 2022's best album.

I had unhelpful advice and messages from people also. The bad shit I was told was "go get another girl, have a rebound.", "best way over a relationship is getting with someone else", "oh she was your first it's ok don't worry these things happen.". She was not my first, she was my first adult relationship though. No I'm not a rebound or sleep around guy. This just added to my anger because boy did I feel so much anger.

A few days passed, and I messaged her about getting my things back and was left on read. She seen my message and did not reply.

In that time, I played hooky with my previous employer for a week following the break-up and I went on holiday and I handed in my notice of immediate departure soon as I returned. It was the same day as my departure that I returned my ex's things to her home and seen her dad one last time, whilst I was still left on seen message wise and had not had my things back. A month later I had a bag of my things dropped on my door step and on that same day I went to meet up with some friends and I drove past her as she was sat in her car on the end of my street, I made it look like I had not noticed her of course and went about my day.

I was eating and drinking a lot, especially drinking, I was taking a lot of tabs even with alcohol, I was a mess. It was a lot of emotions and to try and deal with, and I had to hear my inner voice and intrusive thoughts just speak so little of me and tell me I'm the bad guy. I was evil. I was to blame for all the rot and for the disintegration of my relationship of 4 years. She blocked me and during this time and processing of things you know, I'd look up her profile and check to see what she was doing and who she was seeing, and I had sneaky suspicion as to who it was, and I have seen and confirmed it, and it made me angry, I did nothing about it other than blocking the guy. I have seen people who I thought I was friends with and liked me turn on me and support them on their relationship and I seen people I thought of as friends posting "congrats, you never looked so happy", "I'm so happy for you", "you deserve each other." The same people that said the same thing to me when I was with my ex. Instead of hanging out with me and meeting up when we had free time in our schedules they would be supporting them. My enemies. That pissed me off, and it made me weed out the poison in my head's garden, and so I removed those people and added them to my hate filled anger that scathed and burnt away at me and coursed through my veins.

I went unemployed for several months. I landed a new job in a beautiful care home, but I could not stick it out because I was not well and in the right headspace for it, so I left it after a month.

There were some things I also felt I had to come to terms with and bury. I have had a lot of resent and regrets of course and I can't do anything about it. I buried my connection to being a father. Me and the ex had 2 miscarriages. So those feelings, the mindset of being a dad and the mentality I carried along with the memories I have put away, I have buried them in a box in order to cope and to move on with my life. I was a dad. I was a lot of things with my ex and through it all, I ensured I was a good man and a good father. Maybe in future relationships a lot of who I am will not come back up on display for my next partner because of the hurt and suffering I have endured during the 4-year relationship I had previously. I do still want to be an actual father to a physical child though. I've had times where I have not and right now I feel like it is something I want because I have kinda always wanted it, it's like a dream. People tend to dream about these fancy moments or dream jobs and I have always dreamt of having my own wife and kids, and so I want that to happen. I want a good woman. I want a son and a daughter. Furthermore, I am human, and these things make me human.

So to continue back to the events of last year, I dug deep into my savings almost spending every thing I had to just survive until I had a new full time job. I went 4 months without a job. My anger was still there, frustration mixed with it over being unsuccessful with employment and opportunities. My sadness was also there.

I found a new job, one I'm still with to this day and although my first month there was tough and gruelling I did enjoy it as opposed to former employers. Funny thing is, it's opposite my old employers haha and yes I did see my ex 2 times in all the time since then to now. Anyway, my first month on my new job, I injured my back lifting heavy objects, so I had some time off and came back and been OK since.

I have seen Rammstein in Cardiff and it was an insane gig! Also attended WWEs Cardiff Ppv clash at the castle.

You know something silly, I have been anxious a lot about going to the local cinema as myself and the ex worked there. I was anxious because I didn't want to run into her or her now partner, because I feared on what I would do or say out of my emotions. I feared lashing out. Happily enough, I am strong-willed and minded because I kept my cool and did not show I cared when I saw certain people and I ignored some very existence. If you don't have the time of day for me, I don't have it for you either. You are with me or against me.

Since January 2023 I've been getting into a better lifestyle and up to now I have lost 3 and a half stone. It's hard work, but it's worthwhile, same as my job.

It's currently now April 13 2023, I am in a much better mental headspace than I have been in years right now. I don't drink much and last time I drank heavily was New Year's Eve 2022. I'm not financially secure, but I work hard as hell and I get a lot of love and praise for it. From my colleagues, to my bosses to even customers, and I'm proud and happy of it and all the love and appreciation I get for all I do. Of course, I wish I had more hours and money that's my goal to work my way back up in the bank. I also want to lose 5 stone, and I'm over half way there. In spare time I'm looking for work, gaming, writing, socialising with friends, making videos, blogging, watching films, attending shows and gigs, listening to music and working out in the gym. I've had my TikTok and YouTube blow up in views.

So, to summarise life is something else, I have been down many times, but I prevail, and I get back up. I don't think I'd ever gotten back up from last year if it wasn't for my special band of friends and family. Layla, Annika, James, Jared, Chlo, Kayl, Lewy G thank you all for doing your part and then some, I love and appreciate you all. Thank you for saving this man, and thank you for cheering me on when I was struggling to continue on. The world needs more people like you all, and I hope you are reading this. Know that if you have helped me that I thank you and I love you. I always will be in your debt and I always will be there for you all, no matter what.

Thank you to my work family and work friends they have also been so lovely, supportive and welcoming to me. Chlo, Bret, Tom, Brandon, Tracy, Sophie, Eva please know I love you all and I am grateful for you all. I don't even know if you will read this but thank you. 

Now saved the best for last, my dear reader. I want to thank you for following my story and this post and my blog in general. Thank you for any and all the support given to me. Please follow and support me on my social media's and chat with me anytime you wish.

I appreciate you!

Thank you!

I have been there (original poem) BY SJones

The bottom of a bottle
I have been there

The bottom of a hole
I have been there

Feeling worthless
I have been there

Pushing everyone away
I have been there

Laying on the cold floor
I have been there

Stared down the bottom of a barrel
I have been there

Stuck in a hurricane of negative thoughts
I have been there

Crippled unable to move
I have been there

Depression, I know it's name
Because I have been there.....

I won't be you! - Original song/poem by Sjones

What are you doing, taking this crap,
I thought we were through with this?,
It's the same old story, with a different twist,
Stop being pushed around,
Push them back!,

I hear you, (yeah!),
I see you, (yeah!),
But I won't be you! (no!)
I hear you, I see you, I won't be you!

Stop resisting and let me take control,
I won't let them beat us down, (no!),
It's time now to set me free,
Wake up and face your destiny!,

For too long you have suppressed me,
In return, you have lashed out uncontrollably,
Your bodies bloodied and bruised,
Come on now and light this fuse!,

I hear you, (yeah!)
I see you, (yeah!)
But I won't be you!, (no!)

Stop resisting and let me take control,
I won't let them beat us down, (no!),
It's time now to set me free,
Wake up and face your destiny!,

What will happen when the voices stop,
Who will I become when I black out,

You hear me, you see me, and now you sleep, for now I'm here to make history!,

You've stopped resisting and I've taken control,
I'm giving out the beatings and breaking bones,
Now that I'm free you will rule this day,
I am awake and you are history!

THE 500TH BLOGPOST!

WE ARE AT 500 BLOG POSTS?!!?!?!?! 

HOW?! Well hey, THANK YOU for always popping along to check out my posts and my wacky weird humour and life and just myself in general haha.

With 500 posts in my bank, what is it that oneself should do to celebrate getting to 500 posts? I have asked some friends and regular readers/followers and the consensus back has seen most requests be in order for a list about the blog posts which took me the most time to do or that I am proud of. I will now go and delve deep into my memory bank and blog archive to deliver to you this list. Furthermore, I will have links to the post's also so you can visit anytime.

MY PROUDEST BLOG POSTS

The content will vary in the posts I have selected and not all are that lengthy but the content it is related to is. So let's get wrapped up and get your feet up and grab a cup of tea or any drink you fancy and revisit the past on my blog and get lost into the world of words.

POSITIVE VIBES!

This is the first post I wrote which recieved a lot of praise and someone I know even printed it and framed it. Visit the post here - https://1stmetalgodsblog.blogspot.com/2016/04/positive-vibes-by-scott-jones.html

Be You!

This is essentially a follow-up to Positive Vibes post and just adding onto that post. 

Read the post here - https://1stmetalgodsblog.blogspot.com/2016/06/be-you-by-scott-jones.html

Fancasting Action Man Movie

I loved Action Man as a kid so here I am making my very own movie.

Well fan casting it - https://1stmetalgodsblog.blogspot.com/2017/12/action-man-live-action-dream-casting.html

Fancasting The DCEU

This was the one prior to the latest one hehe - https://1stmetalgodsblog.blogspot.com/2021/08/random-ramblins-47-booking-dceu.html

Celebrating 25 Years Of Power Rangers

25 Morphin' Years - https://1stmetalgodsblog.blogspot.com/2018/08/celebrating-25-years-of-power.html

Dragonball Super Thoughts

Thoughts on the DB Super series and it's ending - https://1stmetalgodsblog.blogspot.com/2018/03/the-end-of-dragonball-super-thoughts.html

Halloween Movie Series Tribute

I love the Halloween franchise so here's my tribute - https://1stmetalgodsblog.blogspot.com/2016/10/a-halloween-tribute.html

Celebrating 80 Years Of Superman

I love Superman so let's celebrate his birthday - https://1stmetalgodsblog.blogspot.com/2018/04/lets-celebrate-80-years-of-superman.html

Booking MAN OF STEEL 2

More fancasting here - https://1stmetalgodsblog.blogspot.com/2017/12/how-dceu-should-make-man-of-steel-2-fan.html

November 2017's Wrestling Month

In November 2017 I spent every day making a blog and posting about wrestling. So there were top 10's everywhere and opinions and everything basically, so if you like wrestling please go back and visit the posts from November 2017. 

Mental Health Awareness Poem 

Visit the post here - https://1stmetalgodsblog.blogspot.com/2020/05/mental-health-awareness-poem.html

A Tough Post

A recent but yeah pretty tough post, it explained all in my mind and my feelings in recent memory. Take a look here, if interested - https://1stmetalgodsblog.blogspot.com/2022/12/walk-day-in-my-shoes.html

Post Game Depression

Ever finish an excellent game and feel down and lost about what to do next? 

Read more here - https://1stmetalgodsblog.blogspot.com/2018/02/post-game-depression.html

R.I.P Gamesmaster Mag

If it was not for the legendary Gamesmaster Mag, I probably would not have started a blog or enjoy writing. I miss them https://1stmetalgodsblog.blogspot.com/2018/11/rip-gamesmaster-mag.html

The Halloween Franchise Write Up

I am passionate about this Halloween horror franchise so much that I rewatched the films and shared my thoughts and feelings and just everything in general about the films all the way up to Halloween Ends. The longest post I have ever made - https://1stmetalgodsblog.blogspot.com/2022/10/the-halloween-franchise-write-up.html

Did these posts take you back down memory lane too? 

Do you wish to know more?

Keep following and seek out anything you may have missed in my archives or search for it in the search bar. There's also tagged words you can click on to discover other related posts here on my blog.

Thank you for reading!

Thank you for supporting and following, stay with me, and we'll be the Top Gun's ok Goose.

Stay Shiny!

Walk A Day In My Shoes

*****WARNING! THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS AND TRIGGERING BLOG POST! THIS POST TALKS ABOUT GRIEF, DEPRESSION, MENTAL HEALTH, AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS! READ AT YOUR OWN CAUTION!*****

My mind has been in unrest, I have been having a harder time than normal to switch off my brain and to close my eyes and slip away to the land of sleep. How normal is it to think about killing yourself? I ask you this very big important question. 

Is it OK to think so once a day or every so often? Maybe? I mean I am no judge or councillor to tell you that answer. I have days when I think about dying, my death. Likewise, I have days where, I feel like I want to self delete. Is that healthy? Why do I think or feel like self deleting when my mental health gets bad? 

Well I will tell you the truth, It's because my head is noisy, and I cannot control the tornado of voices of heavy negativity in my head. The voices will be mine or a version of me or even worse, the voices will be of loved ones or former lovers and them telling me stupid things or my mind remembering memories or certain things being triggered and then my mind is playing the moments or conversations over in my head. 

"You control your own mind, not it controlling you" - See that? That's a good statement, for the strong-minded or strong-willed. That sentence or telling someone to think about something else, a happier time just does not work. Words or actions don't work all the time. Distractions such as video games or books or movies or music will only ever last so long because when you need to switch all off and settle to sleep, no matter how many times you close your eyes and listen to the silence that it can become too noisy and too flashy with its negative or even scary images that flash in the darkness of your eyelids to keep you awake. 

You know, keeping me awake and driving me insane lately is just trying to figure myself out and what I am doing and hell that stupid interrogation like question of "Who are you?". Who am I? I know my name and I know what kind of manners and heart I have or have had. I tend to be kind, caring, loving, soft, emotional, sensitive, smart, funny, polite and self-less. 

The past 4 years all that has remained to me is the pain. Pain from giving so much of myself for someone else to try and make and even, to keep them happy. The pain from rejection and broken up with, pain from being stone walled, guilt-tripped and used. Unrequited love pain. I see memories and I hear voices of past conversations and moments and some are just ones that may seem nice or like they don't matter or mean anything, but I guess they did to me, and they bring me anger from the pain. There's regretful pain, there are things I should have said or done sooner or realised much quicker. I should have turned my heart off and my love of giving and of trying to help someone and make them happy or laugh. If I had turned off those amazing beautiful qualities of mine, well that would not have been me, would it? 

Who am I again? Am I this hot headed, cold blooded, anger fuelled real life Doom Slayer? Or am I the Big Friendly Giant?

So much pain.....so much ANGER! How can I be expected to live with all this that I harbour within my soul?

Where else does this pain come from? A good question to ask me, and I am not in any circumstances writing or saying all this for sympathy or views or anything trivial, I am explaining as best I can all of what goes on and through my head and the pain behind these dull eyes and big smile. 

January 2020, I went through something unexpected and unplanned. The loss of an unborn child. It was tough not many knew this or know this. Some do, and I can only ever extend my thanks as I will also do here for being there and offering support. So back to the muddy field now in my mind with this topic. Losing a child. It was not planned with my partner at the time. She was scared and confused when her period was late and after finding out via a test that we were having a baby. Of course, we were both happy and scared, and she was more so scared, but soon as I found out this instantaneous snap of a switch in my head came on, and DAD MODE appeared online. I made so many promises and efforts to you know keep them safe and to get more jobs even and looked into housing and all the baby books and topics imaginable for dads and parents altogether really. I promised to keep her and the baby safe and fed and housed and to work my absolute bollocks off to do everything I could to give my kid and my Mrs a good life they deserved. Then it happened my ex partner felt weird and reported to me about bleeding, and it was heavy clotty bleeding now. We were scared and panicked and called NHS and was advised some stuff, and we sneaked off to get her some tests done without her parents knowing because they were on holidays at the time and uh well also at that time, they were not on talking terms with us BUT anyway. After hours in the Hospital it was revealed that it was not good, and the baby was miscarried and that was it. The grief of it and the magnitude of the loss took some time for it to hit and affect me because I was in this "I am strong, I must be strong for her and support her more than ever during this time" again self-less me, but it's more than understandable why I did this and acted this way. I worked through it as did my Mrs because of course we did not tell anyone besides our families and some close friends, but you know it sucked. Shit was tough and sad, a kid died......my kid......my kid died.

That's just the start of the story of pain from the past few years. Flash forward to March 2020 and Lockdown happened, COVID WAS RUNNIN WILD! My Nana died. Not from Covid. From an illness that was killing her and taking this beautiful, funny woman away for almost a decade.....Dementia. Man that uh yeah, sucked. It still sucks now, I loved my Nan, I love her still, and I always will. I will always miss her and her laugh and her stories. God this still fucking hurts. I was leaving with my Mrs to get petrol before we went to my Nans, and then I had a call to say "Nana's passed". I could feel the world around me just fall and shatter like broken glass, in an instant. So much grief and pain and anger and resent befell me. I resented my ex partner to a degree low-key in my head for not being fast enough, and I blamed myself for not doing this more or saying this or being fast enough, BUT THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE, IT HAPPENED HOW IT HAPPENED. Man, I cannot begin to tell you how much I wish I could have held her once more or have her hold me and just to tell her how much I loved her. My Nan was the best! I love you Nana! 

The pain of losing a child and then my Nan was swirling within me and of course actual lockdown kicked off, and I was angry and resting and hating so much from the government to myself and to the world. My nan had a quiet send off as opposed to a big gathering because my Nan deserved to have been seen off with so many people because so many knew her and loved her. I hate how the government told us we could not do what we wanted even though they were doing as they please. I hated how my then Mrs could not be there with me for the funeral and the fact we had a stupid fight days before causing her to shut off and not talk to me for days. How fucking childish can people be?

A month or so after losing my nan, my dad had a heart attack and was rushed to hospital and I never fucking seen him for months. That was so scary. God, it was so shitty! I was worrying every single fucking day about him and fearing the worst news every day, EVERY SINGLE DAY! He was ok though. 

Anyway, how are you feeling reading all this? Knowing my story so far? I feel shit right now, Is this what it feels like to heal? To cry and to bleed your soul out telling strangers your story?

We continue onwards to life in August 2020, I lost my Grandad. My Grampa. He passed away to me, it was so unexpected because he was in hospital for an infection and drs or nurses my family phoned every day to tell us that he was OK and then just rang us one day and said "sorry Roy has passed away" like WHAT?! HOW!? I was angry at the drs and nurses and that hospital in general I feel like they had lied to us and I never got to see him or tell him how much I loved him also. God-damn it, I was mad, I was so angry and again the hate was strong. How could I be happy any more that year? Why did the lord decide to take so much from me in 2020?

Of course my dad got taken to hospital again for months due to another heart attack and of course I was again worried and so fuckin scared for every operation for every single day, we did not see or hear him. It was terrible. THANK FUCKING GOD HE IS OK AND STILL HERE NOW! He will live forever, I am telling you now! No one else is dying!

20-fucking-20 sucked so much, and it is the most cancerous year ever fucking conceived. How could I be happy again after all this? I could not enjoy my birthday nor Christmas, my mood, mental health and relationships all strained due to all this pain and grief. 

To continue onwards now we have a gap because I am skipping over lots because no need to speak about them as nothing really much happened. I was filled with pain, grief, anger, resent of course and then August 2021 happened. I was to be a Dad again. Oh, how nice a feeling that was and once again everything cleared and Dad mode snapped back on. September 2021 the inevitable happened.....I had COVID. My dad had it, my mam had it, I had it. During the 14-day self-isolation, my then partner informed me that she was going through what seemed like another miscarriage. I could not do anything!!!! I was forced to isolate by orders of the government, or I'd endanger everyone else and get a hefty fine. The day my isolation ended was the day after the miscarriage, so I sped to see and comfort my partner and of course I landed myself in trouble for speeding by 2mph over the speed limit. I know how lame! Times were tough again and she kept the big clot of what she felt was the baby in a plastic container. It was so morbid and sad and I just wanted us to bury the container as a case of giving our second special kid a funeral but that never happened and I have no idea what ever happened to that container anymore or her because since then, the pain and strains continued and our relationship eventually and unfotly ended.

Xmas eve 2021 the relationship I was in suffered a nasty almost breaking up argument. Our pain was real and we were hurting and hurting eachother again over silly matters and I say it was silly matters because to me it was stuff not even worth an argument or doing that god damn childish and pathetic stone walling shit again over. God forbid my new partner to ever stone wall me, I am walking i aint dealing with that shit ever again. Anyway many arguments happened here and there and I forget the details now or what they were about as time goes on and as memories fade. I try and try to cut and clear out so much of the shit because I want to try and move on and away from all that shit and trauma because it does more hurt than good these days. 

Flash forward once more to April 2022 and Break up happened. Shit that hurt. A LOT MORE than I ever knew it would. It hurt more than ever for many reasons. Being lied to about being friends instead as she said she wanted to maintain our bond and connection because it was very special and how alike we are as people and well she left me on read and never messaged or called or seen me again. I seen her a few days later because I decided to pack up and leave my job because It's something I was thinking of for the longest time and felt held back by my ex partner and that i did not want to work with her again. Pain came from that too and when she eventually blocked me. Crazy how much pain you can be in from a relationship. No matter how much I tried to block her out my head or life, I always wanted to talk to her or see her again even though I never did. I was scared of seeing her and scared she would turn people against me since many people I know have completely stopped talking to me or bothering with me anymore since the relationship ended so of course that left sour thoughts and taste in my mouth. I got no proof of any lies or negative shit being talked about me. Please remember there's two sides to everyone's story and just because the female of a hetero relationship ended things that it does not mean the guy fucked up or did wrong either. My opinion is that she fell for someone else behind my back and because of the losses and arguments she resented me and off she popped. What a silly billy to lose this sexy man eh? Despite our ages being the same the relationship was very much like a teenage love where it was messy and complicated and when it worked, well it worked haha. 

The healing from the break up has been so hard like seriously! The healing and grieving of all of this has been hard and when my mental health falls. Concerts and shows have been the only thing keeping me alive this year. Always having a concert booked to look forward to just helps me along. So does the escape in with films, anime, games and music! Friends and Family have helped me too of course, but when things in my head are bad I can't help but to think of ending myself or isolating from everyone. I've had times where I have drank every day and times I have been stupid and mixed drugs and alcohol into me. I have been unemployed and skint this year too. I have regrets of leaving my old job and I do miss it sometimes of course, I would go back there if certain people no longer worked there haha.

The ptsd, guilt, regret, pain and anger I feel is insane to deal with added on from all the grief.

Do you know I have torn muscled and broken bones too among the past 4 years. I have also lost 5 stone and of course sadly due to horrible events put weight back on too. I have amassaed many grey hairs from top of my head to my toes for god sake ahaha. See I gots my humor still. 

I have faced so many rejections this year from jobs, it's been a real pain in the tubes so to speak. Listening to music, letting all this out and my emotions to stroll down my face has been a help. I cannot say all the things or explain the things that go through my head or how I feel when my mental health is in the bin but all I can say is, it fucking sucks and it always feels like it wont get better because you are in the midsts of a tornado and that's what happens. 

I lost my childhood hero recently and that has also sucked ontop of everything already on my head. Losing a strong positive soul like his to suicide was out of the blue and super scary and shocking. The guy seemed stronger than anything we have seen before. 

We don't truly know what goes on in people's minds do we? Isn't that scary? 

Would you have believed me, If I told you that I was ok? Will you believe me now when I tell you I am ok So do you get what it's been like in my head for the past 4 years? Do you understand me better? Do you know how this feels? Does this meet your vibe checks? Do I need professional help? You tell me. 

What happens now? 

Not sure entirely, BUT I will continue to fight this shit with all my might for as long as there is kickass music in the world and good worlds to escape to in the form of games, anime and films. I know by sharing all this and posting it that, I wont be looked at the same way or I will be talked about because this is a lot! 

I am only posting this to raise awareness to mental health and suicidal thoughts and on grief. 

Please do not discuss these details in any negative manner or spread it like lies and ill talked rumors. You are knowing this information to simply raise awareness to pass on to others to let them know how struggles are real and they are not alone in feeling any or all of what I have touched on and talked about with my mental health and struggles. Before you judge me, walk a day in my shoes. Thanks for your help here. :)

Thank you for listening/reading. 

This has certainly been tough and I appreciate your time and effort to go through this. 

Mood Today (original poem, lyrics, story) by Sjones

I'm writing these words just to say,
About how I am doing and my mood today,
Quiet and fine,
Inside my mind,
It's not so silent,

Violent,
My anger and frustrations,
Surviving is a riot,
There's not many that know, all who go,
Chasing dreams over a colourful rainbow,

This too goes to show,
My mind is singing, while the exterior is quiet,
Everyone's asking, are you okay?, how are you today?,
I smile and sit in silence,

I'm okay or at least I say,
I'm not really sure what to say, of how I am really doing on this day,
Numbness and sadness underneath my clouds,
It hasn't rained in days, this sight's profound,

Take your time and focus on yourself,
They all say, little do they know,
That can't quite be,
Done,

I'm having fun,
Living my life distracting myself,
My emotions I cast aside and set up on a shelf,
As I'm living and breathing trying to forget someone else,

Memories are nice but bring pain,
Of a heart break that feels like yesterday,
It's been a while now and I still feel empty and drained,
Missing a part of me even though I am not in pieces,
Physically,

My body is exhausted
Mentally maimed,

I'm losing sleep, sleeping less on the daily,
My heart is locked away underwater in a locker titled,
Davey,
Which will give up first I often wonder,
Heart, soul or mind which will be the first to go under,

Life is something I always ponder,
What came before, what comes after,
Ok I say,

As I'm holding back laughter,

We've heard quite enough,
I feel like I'm dying, Is there any wonder,
Why?,
With all these words in my head,
I'm overflowing with all this existential dread.

Mental Health Awareness poem

You don't want to know how i feel,

You don't want to know the truth of my mental health,

It's not a good thing for either of us,

In this mad world, no one cares unless you are pretty or dying,

Society is cruel to those too smart for their own heads,

I've been pushed, shoved, beaten, broken, scarred, left for dead,

I've considered ending my life and how easier it would be if i was stateside,

I've lied for years telling everyone "i'm ok" when i'm dying on the inside,

It's easier to say i'm ok rather than say i'm not,

Pretending for so long was something i thought was impossible,

How to actually feel i kinda forgot,

Ever been terrified that trying your hardest would not be enough?, 

I'm so fucking tired, I've thought too much, help me,

If this life does not kill you, the emptiness and loneliness will,

I put on a happy face every day i wake up and embrace the sun,

As my heart beats irregularly depressingly, 

My addiction is escaping reality, to see all of life's possibilities,

Life is strange and i'm lost with no direction in sight, 

The world for myself is right now in such blight,

I've lost who i am or supposed to be,

I've thought about the medical pills but never had the courage to act,

Demons on my mind, demons in my mind,

They feed me lies and insecurities,

They get me to listen and to obey them so much easier than the self love in my brain,

Those same monsters in my head are scarier than the monsters who hide under the bed,

I'm not good with feelings despite people proclaiming me to be a wordsmith,

I care too much and i wish i did not,

When i'm low there's no where to go,

Do you care that i hurt, Do you know how much i cry,

Do you wanna know a secret?, Know why? Neither do i,

I've torn my hair out of my scalp,

I've stressed so much and had palpitations,

I've suffered a panic attack in public space,

Forever I've felt alone sitting at home inside my own head,

I've always said and felt even through my darkest days that i have a fire burning,

I want to preserve that fire and keep it burning for always,

I need help sometimes to get back up and on my feet again,

It's hard to go to others when you don't even know how you are feeling,

I've felt awkward and uncomfortable with hugs and praises and shown love,

When really there's a part in my brain that gets unblocked and feels warm after a hug,

I've had no choice but continue going on down this road,

Hope is almost always on the horizon, 

I've often been the hope walking down the road,

My strength is unparalleled, that still does not mean i can break easily,

It's a challenge trying to stay strong all the time, 

I'll always blame myself for all the wrongs,

This is how i am, who i have been.

Triggered - Poem/Lyrics original

With shoulders tensed, anger swells,
My hands shake, tremendously,
I have the urge, the urge to strike,
Such mighty need, will i fulfil it,
What will it take, to tear the anger apart,

Triggered, again by insecurities,
Triggered, again by jealousy,
Triggered, again by over expecting,
Triggered, again by withholding
Triggered, by how i am feeling,

With gut at unease, rage soars,
My blood is pumping, exceptionally,
Hands clenched, knuckles crack,
What's the first thing to get smacked,

Triggered, again by insecurities,
Triggered, again by envy,
Triggered, again by past,
Triggered, unable to cope

With the room spinning,
My ears start ringing,
The eyes are blacking out,
No one is safe, not even myself,
Am i becoming a monster,
Am i becoming that which i am not,

Triggered, The rage consumes my skin,
Triggered, I'm burning from within,
Triggered, My body is trembling,
Triggered, Blackouts causing memory gaps,

Forgive me for i have sinned,
I lost control, I became that which i promised i am not,
I controlled, i obsessed, i stepped out of line,
Boundaries were crossed, Lives were at risk,
Mentally unsafe, triggered, now i plead insanity.

Random Ramblin's 40 - WHAT?! CORONA LOCKDOWN!

Hi there, you join me in the comfort of a dark room, sipping upon blue wkd with some synthwave instrumental music on in the background. Comforting right? Oh yes i agree. Anyway it has been a while since i did a RR but here we are back again! 

There's been a lot to write about but i have expressed my worries, rants, concerns and feelings into my gorgeous girlfriend instead, so i aswell as she could take a load off our heads and just get back to feeling good and moving in a rhythm. BUT lately this year, well hey, we are at the end of April and for me this year has been............TERRIBLE! 

It's a shocking, upsetting, depressing, year and my mental health has fluctuated a whole lot! 

I won't go into everything that has happened this year but; I have lost my nan, lost someone else close, had arguments, we are in a world emergency crisis and locked-down so unable to see my woman or any of my loved ones or friends, I've had toxic people try to control me and my mrs and one tried to use us as scape goats and that my dear readers is not what a friend is or does, regardless of history with said person you do not do that to a friend or anyone ever!

So yeah this lockdown has come to be and it's added more stresses and more cracks are being unearthed in my foundations of mental stability. I am cracking under all that i have gone through this year, i am cracking up under all this lockdown and quarantine nonsense, i'm cracking, i am breaking.

Each time i think or say it cannot possibly get any worse, it does something happens and makes me breakdown uncontrollably and cry or feel angry or frustrated. The most dangerous thing right now in all this lock-down is being locked inside our minds with the negative thoughts.

We all need to take care and go gentle on ourselves!

I am a grown ass man and i have my feelings and i am very much in tone with those feelings i am a highly sensitive person and i am not ashamed to admit that i feel things and that i cry. I recently for the first time in my life cried in my shower that's how broken things are for me at this moment in time as i type all this out loud, as i cry again from my head being such a horrible force to go against me, it feels as if its trying to ruin things trying to make me not have nice things to sabotage my own happiness like.

It's fucking insane! 

It's insane to feel so broken in yourself too. It's crazy to feel insecure about yourself but also so highly emotional and to be a person with such strong empathy like myself its bloody hard too. It's hard when you feel so much that you care so much about every single little thing and how you must want everything to run perfect and smoothly too but it does not so you make back ups and back ups of back ups and so many back ups that you are backed up of back ups.

Got no work, can't see my mrs, family or friends, I can't really go anywhere and do anything because it's only shopping or exercise locally or face a fine or possible jail time in this crisis.

Only thing good about the Corona-apocalypse is the memes.
People need to stop hoarding items mind you and stop lighting grass fires and stop fly tipping!

I am living with so much trauma and grief right now. 

I hope you are doing better than me.

I will be bright as a diamond again soon!

Remember to stay shiny! 

Better days are coming!

R.I.P. Nana Jones

I love you lots Nana❤❤❤❤❤❤ You meant the world to me, we had such a laugh from all the times you baby sat me as a kid, to our adventures out and about and down Porthcawl on holiday. Your "yisee mawrs" and "jesus thomas" always made me laugh and I will miss them greatly. Such a great, wonderful, funny, cheeky woman I've had such an honour to have known and it's been an honour to be your grandson. I'll continue to make you proud and make everyone laugh on your behalf. Thanks for the memories and laughs, I love you so much and I'll miss you....always. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

It's a crazy world and we're in such a crazy time and year at the moment and I'm saddened and lost for words on losing you but I can sleep easy knowing your not in pain or suffering anymore and that you'll have a hell of a party up there with Datsy and Kenny and Scooby! ❤❤❤❤❤

In loving memory of my amazing, wonderful Nana. I've donated and I'm raising awareness for Dementia.👍😊 My mother and sister did a lot for my nan in her last years and took such great care of her and they are such wonderful women and superheroes for all they did and continue to do so thank you both.😊❤❤❤ The nurses who also came to take care of my nan I can't thank enough either. They allowed my mother and sister to have a break from their constant care of my nan and we can't thank them enough for what they did to. From getting my nan up and putting her to bed to doing her some lovely cuppa's and giving her, her fave foods and fave biscuits, the rich tea kind of course.😄 

I miss my Nana a lot and I know it's hard times and this just all feels like a bad dream but I know and find comfort in that she left this world in peace and she is not suffering and in pain anymore. She's reunited with my Datsy and Uncle Kenny now so that's why we are blessed with such gorgeous weather as the heaven's are smiling and she's letting us know that she's safe, she loves us all and she's at peace. 

I love you so much my Nana. Enjoy time with Datsy and enjoying John Wayne movies.

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ 

Your Mentality Matters (poem/lyrics original)

I don't know what to do, about these thought's that fester,

They're parasites, germs that need to be flushed out,

Prescribe me anti-biotics to kill the disease, 

Never letting it appear again, I breathe in and out, 

It lingers and when i exhale it goes away and dies, 

I need something stronger and better to make them die and never come back,

Down with the negativity, 

Down with the over thinking, 

Down with obsessing, 

Come on and stop your stressing,

This is the digital age, It's easy to be consumed with the waves of information,

Surf the web, don't linger in it, 

Surf your thoughts, don't dwell there, 

End the stigma, your mentality matters,

I don't know who to talk to or what to say,

I'm not mute and i don't refuse to talk,

I'm structuring my thoughts, my words

Before they all come out, Before i speak

Before i even act that of no thought, 

I'd rather not be irrational and hurt,

Down with secrecy, 

Down with snooping,

Down with addiction,

It can all stop with a perfect prescription,

This is the digital age, It's easy to be consumed with the waves of information,

Surf the web, don't linger in it, 

Surf your thoughts, don't dwell there, 

End the stigma, your mentality matters,

What's with the hate, 

Why the name calling?,

How do you think i handle the funny, snide remarks,

I don't shrug it off as well as you might think,

It all remains in my head and it makes me dread,

All the misery, the anxiety, 

Saying i bite my nails, seems like a formality,

Biting down to the bone, making my blood flow,

Down with the haters,

Down with the bullying,

Down with unfairness,

They be only hating on us because they can't be us,

This is the digital age, It's easy to be consumed with the waves of information,

Surf the web, don't linger in it, 

Surf your thoughts, don't dwell there, 

End the stigma, your mentality matters,

If you're ever in need of help or assistance, Talk it out, 

If your ever down and need a hand, Talk it out,

If you feel as if you don't exist or matter, Talk it out, 

Don't bottle it up, that bottle will only break later,

The outcome of that broken bottle will be disastrous,

You matter, your worth it, Your Mentality Matters!