A Year Has Come To Pass

So it's story time.

It has been a year since my life went flipped turned upside down. Time to look back on everything April 13, 2022 to now.....

13/04/22

My girlfriend left me. Turns out she was seeing someone else, a guy I never liked who I also worked with. She claimed to hate him too, but it's obvious lies. Anyway after the split we agreed to keep in touch and be friends. Honestly, I was so hurt and upset. I was angry too. I wanted to hurt myself or worse, kill myself.

I had so much racing through my head, I immediately called Jared, and we met up I went to his. Hugged his mum and hugged Jared and went home played some games to try and just get some sort of calm to my feelings. All the while I was messaging and chatting to those people who were there for me. My family, Annika (Zin),Layla, Lewis G, Jared, James.

A few days after the break-up I went to Birmingham with my best bro James to see Ghost who are one of my fave bands and also Impera is 2022's best album.

I had unhelpful advice and messages from people also. The bad shit I was told was "go get another girl, have a rebound.", "best way over a relationship is getting with someone else", "oh she was your first it's ok don't worry these things happen.". She was not my first, she was my first adult relationship though. No I'm not a rebound or sleep around guy. This just added to my anger because boy did I feel so much anger.

A few days passed, and I messaged her about getting my things back and was left on read. She seen my message and did not reply.

In that time, I played hooky with my previous employer for a week following the break-up and I went on holiday and I handed in my notice of immediate departure soon as I returned. It was the same day as my departure that I returned my ex's things to her home and seen her dad one last time, whilst I was still left on seen message wise and had not had my things back. A month later I had a bag of my things dropped on my door step and on that same day I went to meet up with some friends and I drove past her as she was sat in her car on the end of my street, I made it look like I had not noticed her of course and went about my day.

I was eating and drinking a lot, especially drinking, I was taking a lot of tabs even with alcohol, I was a mess. It was a lot of emotions and to try and deal with, and I had to hear my inner voice and intrusive thoughts just speak so little of me and tell me I'm the bad guy. I was evil. I was to blame for all the rot and for the disintegration of my relationship of 4 years. She blocked me and during this time and processing of things you know, I'd look up her profile and check to see what she was doing and who she was seeing, and I had sneaky suspicion as to who it was, and I have seen and confirmed it, and it made me angry, I did nothing about it other than blocking the guy. I have seen people who I thought I was friends with and liked me turn on me and support them on their relationship and I seen people I thought of as friends posting "congrats, you never looked so happy", "I'm so happy for you", "you deserve each other." The same people that said the same thing to me when I was with my ex. Instead of hanging out with me and meeting up when we had free time in our schedules they would be supporting them. My enemies. That pissed me off, and it made me weed out the poison in my head's garden, and so I removed those people and added them to my hate filled anger that scathed and burnt away at me and coursed through my veins.

I went unemployed for several months. I landed a new job in a beautiful care home, but I could not stick it out because I was not well and in the right headspace for it, so I left it after a month.

There were some things I also felt I had to come to terms with and bury. I have had a lot of resent and regrets of course and I can't do anything about it. I buried my connection to being a father. Me and the ex had 2 miscarriages. So those feelings, the mindset of being a dad and the mentality I carried along with the memories I have put away, I have buried them in a box in order to cope and to move on with my life. I was a dad. I was a lot of things with my ex and through it all, I ensured I was a good man and a good father. Maybe in future relationships a lot of who I am will not come back up on display for my next partner because of the hurt and suffering I have endured during the 4-year relationship I had previously. I do still want to be an actual father to a physical child though. I've had times where I have not and right now I feel like it is something I want because I have kinda always wanted it, it's like a dream. People tend to dream about these fancy moments or dream jobs and I have always dreamt of having my own wife and kids, and so I want that to happen. I want a good woman. I want a son and a daughter. Furthermore, I am human, and these things make me human.

So to continue back to the events of last year, I dug deep into my savings almost spending every thing I had to just survive until I had a new full time job. I went 4 months without a job. My anger was still there, frustration mixed with it over being unsuccessful with employment and opportunities. My sadness was also there.

I found a new job, one I'm still with to this day and although my first month there was tough and gruelling I did enjoy it as opposed to former employers. Funny thing is, it's opposite my old employers haha and yes I did see my ex 2 times in all the time since then to now. Anyway, my first month on my new job, I injured my back lifting heavy objects, so I had some time off and came back and been OK since.

I have seen Rammstein in Cardiff and it was an insane gig! Also attended WWEs Cardiff Ppv clash at the castle.

You know something silly, I have been anxious a lot about going to the local cinema as myself and the ex worked there. I was anxious because I didn't want to run into her or her now partner, because I feared on what I would do or say out of my emotions. I feared lashing out. Happily enough, I am strong-willed and minded because I kept my cool and did not show I cared when I saw certain people and I ignored some very existence. If you don't have the time of day for me, I don't have it for you either. You are with me or against me.

Since January 2023 I've been getting into a better lifestyle and up to now I have lost 3 and a half stone. It's hard work, but it's worthwhile, same as my job.

It's currently now April 13 2023, I am in a much better mental headspace than I have been in years right now. I don't drink much and last time I drank heavily was New Year's Eve 2022. I'm not financially secure, but I work hard as hell and I get a lot of love and praise for it. From my colleagues, to my bosses to even customers, and I'm proud and happy of it and all the love and appreciation I get for all I do. Of course, I wish I had more hours and money that's my goal to work my way back up in the bank. I also want to lose 5 stone, and I'm over half way there. In spare time I'm looking for work, gaming, writing, socialising with friends, making videos, blogging, watching films, attending shows and gigs, listening to music and working out in the gym. I've had my TikTok and YouTube blow up in views.

So, to summarise life is something else, I have been down many times, but I prevail, and I get back up. I don't think I'd ever gotten back up from last year if it wasn't for my special band of friends and family. Layla, Annika, James, Jared, Chlo, Kayl, Lewy G thank you all for doing your part and then some, I love and appreciate you all. Thank you for saving this man, and thank you for cheering me on when I was struggling to continue on. The world needs more people like you all, and I hope you are reading this. Know that if you have helped me that I thank you and I love you. I always will be in your debt and I always will be there for you all, no matter what.

Thank you to my work family and work friends they have also been so lovely, supportive and welcoming to me. Chlo, Bret, Tom, Brandon, Tracy, Sophie, Eva please know I love you all and I am grateful for you all. I don't even know if you will read this but thank you. 

Now saved the best for last, my dear reader. I want to thank you for following my story and this post and my blog in general. Thank you for any and all the support given to me. Please follow and support me on my social media's and chat with me anytime you wish.

I appreciate you!

Thank you!

I won't be behind you - Original Lyrics/Poem - SJones

 Do you remember what the last words i told you, we were in the parking lot, smoking your dads pot, 

do you remember saying this aint working out, im not having a blast, you set me up for failure, used me and threw me in the trash,

ive forgotten how scary you are, youve gone too far and become unstable, no matter how far or how hard you fall, i wont be here behind you!

do you remember the extra pulse in your car, or are you blocking it out like the rest?, do you remember saying your love for me would never change?, you told me that again when you dropped me on my ass, like some useless change.

ive forgotten how scary you are, youve gone too far and become unstable, no matter how far or how hard you fall, i wont be here behind you!

ive forgotten how scary you are, youve become too damn unstable,

no matter how far, no matter how hard, when you fall, i wont be behind you,

ive forgotten how scary you are, youve gone too far and become unstable, no matter how far or how hard you fall, i wont be here behind you!

Written

3:50am

29/12/22

Cut My Wrists, I wanna feel alive! (Original song/lyrics)

Cut my wrists and make me feel alive!!!!

One day is all it takes, to lose your mind to fall down the pit of despair.

With a broken heart and a damaged mind, all too far beyond repair.

Screams of anguish will be unleashed, as I fall into a deep sleep,

Take away all this pain and suffering, leaving me numb and unaware!

Cut my wrists and make me feel alive,

The world is numb and devoid of colour.

With no one on my side, I carry all the baggage within me.

My internal world is freaking out, with my mind racing and my vision a blur,

Cut me up and make me feel alive!

The want to feel alive again makes me crumble with fear,

I will avoid and detach, how long will this last,

When the familiar faces all turn blank, Who is there to support me,

When my body aches and my inner voice years to feel death's embrace,

Will I ever wake up, will I ever find life's key,

Cut my wrists and make me feel alive,

The world is numb and devoid of colour.

With no one on my side, I carry all the baggage within me.

My internal world is freaking out, with my mind racing and my vision a blur,

Cut me up and make me feel alive!

Just one knife, just one slice,

just one cut across my wrists,

Make me feel alive, give me a rush, 

Let me smell the iron in the air and let my skin tear, 

I am far beyond repair!,

So cut my wrists and make me feel, make me feel alive!!!!

(originally written 2/11/21)

Random Ramblin 41 - Worst Year Ever & An Apology

Without any shadow of doubts this year has been the worst ever for myself.

A lot has happened and lockdown has made things so much worse and harder than ever before and its having such a heavy toll. 

I feel like my anger has just been so blinding this year same with my sadness. 

Grief has had a big ugly card at play in a lot of this and the fallout created and spawned from said grief is so traumatic that its very complicated and problematic.

Back to anger and it's been so overbearing and so quick to rise up from many factors of the world of course. I probably am suffering from some depression too I've you know said to people i want to see a dr for meds and I've said to others that it's a real struggle to keep going on every day. 

You know, it's bloody hard it really is. Not to toot horns but this one has been specially tough for me. Going into lockdown i lost my nan and damn this still hurts and makes me cry now even as i type this here, i did not expect that. Before going into lockdown another loss was had at the start of the year and fights were had and so life was tough and sad and painful and times got tough and anger and depression and grief were all there present. 

It was just a month ago i was giving the downlo on the intel i had for you from me or the lockdown. 

Times still tough and still going through a lot of shit.

All i have ever wanted is peace, love and happiness. I apologise to those reading this who i have hurt or offended in anyway. 

I am a human being and i make mistakes and i fuck a lot up unintentionally too. 

I never mean to ever hurt anyone, i truly am a gentleman and a good soul and i don't say this if i did not mean it. 

I have pushed many good people away because of my problems i know this and to them i am sorry. I never mean to be the problematic one or to shoe off all my sorrows onto anyone else so they could carry the weight or anything i just wanted to be listened to and to have had a push of help in the right direction. 

I struggle to fully cope well with the pressure of my emotions i know this and some are stronger and more powerful than others inside me. 

I got a lot of work ahead of me and yes it is a bit scary and overwhelming but the path to redemption is often rocky and uncomfortable. 

Just let's all be safe and keep well and start shining.

Stay Shiny!

Four Words - Poem/lyrics original

Unable to sleep,

Unable to dream,

My silence haunts me,

Unable to move,

Unable to feel,

Is this really real,

Four words, you said to me,

Four words, they hurt me,

Four words, they cut me deeply,

Four words, they still haunt me,

The day was sunny, bright,

You were smiling, having the time of your life,

What went wrong, how did it go wrong?,

You said three words, which meant the world to me,

But now it's no longer true,

I'm cold, unable to warm up,

I'm numb, unable to get hurt,

I'm silent now, a ghost set to haunt,

I'm transparent and paralysed,

I'm dying on the inside,

Four words, you said to me,

Four words, they hurt me,

Four words, they cut me deeply

Four words, oh how they haunt me.

written 24/5/20

Triggered - Poem/Lyrics original

With shoulders tensed, anger swells,
My hands shake, tremendously,
I have the urge, the urge to strike,
Such mighty need, will i fulfil it,
What will it take, to tear the anger apart,

Triggered, again by insecurities,
Triggered, again by jealousy,
Triggered, again by over expecting,
Triggered, again by withholding
Triggered, by how i am feeling,

With gut at unease, rage soars,
My blood is pumping, exceptionally,
Hands clenched, knuckles crack,
What's the first thing to get smacked,

Triggered, again by insecurities,
Triggered, again by envy,
Triggered, again by past,
Triggered, unable to cope

With the room spinning,
My ears start ringing,
The eyes are blacking out,
No one is safe, not even myself,
Am i becoming a monster,
Am i becoming that which i am not,

Triggered, The rage consumes my skin,
Triggered, I'm burning from within,
Triggered, My body is trembling,
Triggered, Blackouts causing memory gaps,

Forgive me for i have sinned,
I lost control, I became that which i promised i am not,
I controlled, i obsessed, i stepped out of line,
Boundaries were crossed, Lives were at risk,
Mentally unsafe, triggered, now i plead insanity.

Drowning In The Breakdown

It's so hard right now, to think straight,
I feel like my head is coming unscrewed,
My emotions feel so skewed,
I have no idea, how i feel in the moment,
I try to stop the spiral but it keeps sucking me in,
I'm reaching out, i need the help,
The healing, the recovery is all so raw,

Drowning in my sorrows with the world in dismay,
Suffocated with so much grief,
My vision clouded and out look bleak,
A magic 8 ball can't help me now,
Drowning my sorrows with booze, It dull's the pain,
But the memories, they remain,

I've never felt a pain like this,
I never expected it to last as long as it has,
That pain keeps stabbing me and pulling me under,
Mental sorrows which continue to cast me asunder,
My head space is an uneven grounded reality,
I take walks into nature with music blasting between each ear,
Hoping to see the world a lot more clearer,

Dealing with so much is not easy,
The days are long and the heat is brutal,
The miscommunication and assumptions are no help,
The expectations are of a natural world,
I rest impatiently waiting for the normal to return,
I keep myself busy and work all night and all day,
I type and i edit as the sun goes down and end as the sun comes up,

Drowning my sorrows with food for comfort,
Suffocated in so much negativity,
Jealousy runs rampant of those who are spending time together through quarantine,
Afraid of catching the new black death, the new biological weapon,
Getting run down and run over by so much, it causes a breakdown,

Drowning in my sorrows by bottling it up,
Getting numb from the usual pain,
Need to get free from the cage of sorrows and anger,
I need to be released from the agony the world has caused me,
Escaping from reality with gaming and movies is a constant effort,
I've thought the worst things, i'm continuing to burn my fire,
Trying to keep myself warm and alight,
Forgive me for not controlling that bright burn,
I need you by my side to help me weather the storm as it's easier together,
The demons can't fight our army,

I'm not good at expressing my feelings,
I'm so used to bottling up, using food for comfort,
It's easier to hate ourselves than to love thy self,
When you been victimised and bullied you're entire life,
When media all portrays this is how people should work, this is what to expect and need and desire,
I'm sorry for showing disregard for the rules and wanting you close for selfish gains,

Drowning my sorrows with food and alcohol,
It's not right or healthy but it's the unnatural response we have all been brought up with,
Men don't talk or feel or show emotions, But I do,
I feel so much, i'm an empath, i can feel you're emotions right now,
It's alright to feel how you are feeling, the world is not normal and we're all suffering,
We're all healing, It's all going to work out and be okay, be thankful, be grateful,
We're alive and we are breathing.

Self Destructive Goal (Original music lyrics)

You're pushing, you're pushing, 

You're pushing me over the line! 

Keep pushing, pushing, 

Keep pushing you're luck!

It's only a matter of time before i stick those teeth down your throat!

You make me so mad,

I'm about to SELF DESTRUCT!

You're insults so childish,

You're name calls so petty,

You're punches, so weakly,

Keep it up, keep it up man

Keep it up, keep it up now

Keep it up, keep it up, come on now,

I'm about to EXPLODE!

You're pushing, you're pushing,

You're pushing me over the line!

Keep pushing, keep pushing, 

Keep pushing you're luck,

I can only take so much,

You're making me mad,

I'm about to SELF DESTRUCT!

Yeah keep throwing those things at me, 

You're such a baby,

Keep following me, keep yelling those words,

You're gonna be on the floor after the count of four,

You're threats so empty, You don't scare me,

I'm holding it back, holding it in,

I hold it back, holding it in,

Until I CAN'T HOLD IT NO MORE!

I'm about to EXPLODE! 

You've pushed me, pushed me

OVER THE LINE!

You've pushed it, you pushed it,

YOU'VE PUSHED YOUR LUCK,

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE,

Let's settle the score, 

IT'S TIME TO SELF DESTRUCT! 

I'M GONNA GO, GONNA GO,

GO GO, GO GO, GO NOW

I'M GONNA EXPLODE! 

GONNA BLOW, I'M GONNA BLOW,

LET'S LIGHT IT UP,

BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO EXPLODE!!

Written by Myself

5AM 25/6/18

Wrote this based off my thoughts full of anger and stress and annoyance for annoying people who like to belittle me or insult me or just be a total bullying dick to me. 

A RANT FOR THE END OF TIMES!

Warning foul language and much hate and anger and darkside powers up ahead....you have been warned that this......is a RANT!

Why does this keep happening? If you wish to raise awareness for something just say what needs more awareness and donate don't go round posting stupid status's. This really winds me up about the social media networks at times. "Oh bye toilet paper hello socks." "Ha thanks for liking or commenting on my status now pick a topic and post it, it's to raise awareness for so so foundation." how about fucking posting about the foundation then instead huh? Oh no its just has to be promoted after posting a weird status or one which sounds like good news oh yeah right that works huh?

Why the fuck do these posts by people keep getting spread around. Seen them all before you'd fucking think by now oh this can't be one of these posts again and it fucking is. I fucking hate Facebook, I fucking hate these non awareness raising fake posts and I hate fucking, fake people and I hate so much more than that!

I'm not going into anything further today. I am fed up of it all. Fucking wise up people. Fucking social media fakery it's all a fucking disease a fucking distraction from the doom and gloom it started out as but now it's become it's own doom and gloom.

YouTube turned into money grabbing fucks. Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram and Skype and all the other sites out there do it. It's fucked up!

Worse bit is if you have a fucking problem none of these companies want to help or even know you!

God forbid someone's being bullied and having content taken and upload elsewhere and they send a report off and guess what you will not believe this but they don't care they don't want your fucking report they'd rather you get yourself in a right rut and leave you to rot before they do something. Before you can send a report all these big named wanker sites just make it impossible to send because their system is so backwards it's become their own arse. If you do manage to successfully send a report which is so fucking rare that they will respond saying "sorry we don't agree with you so stop bothering us." they are all pathetic.

I hate everything today. I can't fucking believe the shit going round no wait I fucking can because everyone's so distracted and so full of their selves on social media they fall for anything and everything it's fucking fucked.

Since Google took over youtube it just gone so far fucking downhill it's a disgrace! 

People on youtube these days are for the majority nothing but fake ass users these users with obscene click bait thumbnails and annoying pipsqueek voices and immature dumb over acting and over reacting videos it does my head in. I fucking hate Pewdiepie, i hate smosh, i hate react bros, i don't like Jack septic eye, i don't like markiplier, I don't like many of the big youtubers because they have all sold out or are annoying as fuck that they are unwatchable and so unfunny. I like the smaller youtubers and support them a lot more and of course then i love people like filthy frank lol I'll talk more about youtubers i like and don't like in a future video. One youtuber i sorely miss is TheWolfX1VP he was my all time fave youtuber he was so fucking real and  a good friend and a great user of youtube they pissed him off and he set off to do new things and Gerald is one guy i miss talking to he really helped me out a couple years back aswell with so many tips and a great couple chats we had and that dual commentary chat video we had. Lovely guy. A lot of the youtubers i used to like have all gone cold turkey or changed for the worse or quit youtube. Jordan aka Snobbygnu i fucking loved his channel too but you know how life is, life happened he moved away from youtube i am so thankful to have him as a friend we regularly interact and game with each other still. There's so many more out there in regards to youtubers i like still today and most are all my real life friends and i love and respect them very much except when they are being annoying lol Ah see i feel better now getting all this shit off my chest and reflecting onto the good stuff and better sides of the coin. 

I want to apologise but i should not because i have been so sick and so tired and so angry at many of the things going on in the world in my life and shit recently that i have just exploded into a fiery blaze pent up with hate and anger that just needs to be getting out there so that i may cool down and relax again but it's not happened still yet. I have a lot of anger in me still as you can see from my writing and ranting. I have a lot of hate at the moment and anger but not suffering i don't think so i can't fully be accepted to the darkside just yet can i? I think i also have mild depression at the moment also since i have been more or less a shut in since i finished with my last employer and the fact i have had very little sleep and i always belittle myself or have trouble making decisions but some of these i have always had in life....well for as long as i remember. Now i don't like to take tablets at all so i won't as ever take any pills at all, why? I don't like them, i can not swallow them it feels like i am choking like my throat closes up the moment a tablet enters my mouth. I have seen people depressed and i have seen people depressed on prescribed medication and yeah sure it can do wonders for some but for others it just does not look or feel right and some have said that it does not make them feel good either and you see if you are depressed you will be wanting to be happy but how can you be happy knowing you have to take tablets to make yourself feel happy knowing you are depressed with tablets for depression?! It's paradoxical i swear. I will say though tablets are a lot better cure for depression than that old shock therapy treatment people used to think was the only cure for it. BUT let's get it straight there's more than one cure. Natural, Self Help then Prescribed Medication can all cure depression. Positive thoughts, positive energy, positive home, positive body, positive everything, friends, music, family, food, drink, pets you know as long as everything around you is supportive and positive you can beat it that way. You can hold of depression with tablets too. There's so much you can do to stop it but to do it, know that it's not going straight away it takes a while you have to keep pushing it back and keep feeling better about yourself that you are the best there is that no one is as good as you and looks as good as you and that there's only one of you so show off to the world how good you fucking are and you will fucking beat it with a stick. 

I am trying to fix myself and venting is helping a lot and then positive thoughts are too also a bit of friend time, good music and good environment and exercise by walking about in the fresh air and sunshine is all good and it's good as the past 2 days i have been getting better and i hope i continue to. Because i am so easily irritated as of late its bugging the shit out of me. 

Before i log off, i know this is a lengthy post already but i need to thank everyone for being so supportive to me as ever and for concern's, since i have been really fed up with things lately and so on putting it lightly.

We always are around people in life, we are never alone so don't think that way, be happy your here in the now and that you have amazing people in the world who are and will always will be there for you. 

Thanks for reading. 

I'll continue to repair and fix myself. 

I'll continue to write, youtube and spend time with amazing people and music and all my other loves and hobbies in life. 

I hope you have the best day ever today. Sorry for the lengthy post lol

Scott. 

Useless rant...

It's crazy and cruel how people of this world are. Family,teachers,friends,lovers,ex lovers,ex friends and ex family and even strangers have all told me at some point in my life that I'm useless. Some even still tell me that today. 

You're useless.

I have been blamed for things I have never done. I've been hurt emotionally and psychically with these words and by some strangers in the past. I'm always hurt and annoyed being called useless. I'm not useless. 

There's things I don't wish to do but hang on that makes me useless or wait lazy? Really? I don't want a shitty meaningless job...Oh look I'm branded lazy and useless. Hell waste of space too! Pathetic boy. You won't amount to anything. 

You're no good,useless,lazy,stupid,ugly,fat,pathetic,chicken,too safe etc etc. Been called everything negative. Now and then I can shrug it off easy peesy. Just every now and then it hits me,circles my mind,gets me rilled up with emotions of anger and sadness. 

No one should ever be called or told any other those negative words. Negativity is hell. 

Alternatively I have also been told that I am very good,excellent,best student,best uncle,very creative,funny,fun,loving,caring and sensitive person. Anything positive I love but who doesn't. The feeling of appreciation is so powerful too it will guarantee fix your mood that day being told that you are appreciated. 

Being called useless just has me yelling "WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME? YOU CALL ME USELESS YET YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN ME IN ACTION!". 

Just who in the hell do you think I am? 

I'm one of the nicest genuine people you will ever meet but also I can be a mean spirited son of a gun but that's only if someone is that way toward me. 

All those out there who want to judge me well honestly you can't all you can have is an opinion of me for I am my own judge. If you have an ugly opinion of me keep it to yourself and stay the fuck away from me until you're mature enough to talk about it to my face. 

I understand not everyone will like everyone but from people you know to judge you so harshly is fucking beyond painful. Some people have these fronts up so they shrug it off externally while dealing with it internally. 

Why do others judge those negatively? 

Disagreement,being different to them and people being jealous of others are the three I am listing because its the top common ones simply put. 

We all make assumptions about people before we meet them and hell there's people we just won't like even if we have not spoken to them.

Whats the aim of writing all this out?

To get it out from my mind.

To attempt to help others some way shape or form. 

It's all i would like to do with videos and blogs help or inspire others. 

Thanks for reading. 

Hope the pictures and words i have used can help others to be inspired.