The 1000 Word Series: Anxiety (EBOOK)

 

You Make Me Feel Alive

Tell me something my dear, how is it that I have lived for 30 years on a planet of 8 billion souls and yet, it's only now I'm discovering I'm actually living. I have no idea how I have made it this far without you, and without this overwhelming feeling of happiness and how sensitive I am to your care, actions and words, that make me tear up from this powerful feeling called love.

Love looked like a fairy tale, It looked luxurious and beautiful. I have seen what I thought was love and I have also been in what felt like love but it was like something not for me with how I was shown and given love.

I'd be yelled at and feeling scared and confused and told it was love. I was hit and shoved and reminded it was just love. I was bullied and belittled and was explained it was coming from a place of love. Yet those examples made me feel low and question myself. It makes me question and overthink myself to this day. There's been people I felt love for but it wasn't really love it was admiration because I felt human in how I was initially treated but alas being too nice for your own good is apparently the worse thing you can be when in this "love". My head makes me want to check and get confirmation and make sure I feel and am treated well and loved and the other person loves me and tells me and shows me. For all these years I've been blindly led through life where being nice only gets you hurt and pain. Trusting someone is hard to do now because of the years of torment my soul has endured and for how much my light in this world has been dulled.

I was told "I love you but" too many times to count where I know the next line will be "I'm seeing someone else or I like someone else". How crushing it is to pour your heart out and to have the water of your heart frozen solid and then crushed to pieces by someone you trusted and thought you loved, or to have that person pull out a knife and stab you in your heart and your brain and to feel one or the two break or snap. I've cried for ages Infront of someone who told me it was over and first it was dread and anxiety leading up to a statement being told to me of how it's over and how then I feel an ice cold dagger pierce my heart and I feel the cold blade shiver my body as my heart begins to get cold and ache. While tears flow furiously from my eyes and I blabber trying to scramble to gain answers as to why this pain is happening and all that I am feeling, my brain snaps and my tears decrease and my pain numbs as I then start laughing and smiling. Reassuring myself that it's all okay and it's fine and that I thank the other for the years we had and wish them well as I depart from their presence never to see them again. You get told "please don't do anything stupid, let me know when you get home safe" and you think to yourself "wow they still care, maybe a friendship could still happen" as you dive in deeper into your delusion.

Through delusion the heartbreak endured and grew worse, then came anger and betrayal and worthlessness, through those things became a downward spiral of ill intent. Through pills, alcohol, food and trauma came a wall of "stop or you won't be here anymore I'm serious" and so the inner mind of sound body and mind came out and instructed me to kill off the memories of pain, close up, burn, seal off all the trauma and that person and time to wise up and become a better person. Although i have been broken for a long time I've never liked seeing anyone sad or hearing they were not doing good so I would always take the mantle of being a star and raising others up and listening and doing whatever I can no matter how big or small a gesture it was to make sure I can make someone's day and someone laugh and smile. Years of pain of bullying of not seeing yourself as worthy of happiness or worthy of love teaches you that no one should feel that way. Looking back at those times why did I allow myself to feel like that for so long?

You close memories and people and seal them off in the back of your minds hoping to never see or hear them again but sealing them away doesn't always work. Someone will remember something, a word or phrase is said or something said in a certain way and even seeing those ghosts of trauma appear really messes with your head. You feel such anxiety and dread, you don't wish them to cause any bad for you or others and you convince yourself you won't ever see or hear these ghosts again but triggers are a powerful part of trauma. The old feelings of hurt reappear but never all consuming, the anxiety is consuming, the memories of the past pain is all that ever appears of how you felt used and betrayed and how someone who was supposed to show you care and what was supposed to be love actually showed you the opposite so you are mad at yourself for allowing to stick with it for so long when you really should have left and endured a possible shorter pain than the path of pain you went on. You always wish if you could go back and do and say something else to avoid those wretched paths that took you through pain but it's important to remember always who you are and where you are and how strong you are for surviving the days you never thought you would.

30 years of life, thinking I'm broken, I'm defective, I'm no good, I'm too nice, overthinking is going to be my killer, I'm going to die at 30 because of my weight, I'm not worthy of happiness and love and then for an old familiar face I loved looking at years ago reappears and wants to sit by this brooding, scarred, old man and is helping nurse his wounds better and asking him questions and genuinely caring about his thoughts and his past and that he is as beautiful still as the day she first saw him. It's really something special. Although I have my fallbacks and feel low or not confident in myself or I'm not good enough etc she never sees me differently. She cares always and she smiles and caresses my face and wipes away my tears and snots with her beautiful eyes shining and her warm smile glaring at me. She's a lot like me and I am scared, so scared to hurt and upset her and to lose her. I love her hard and so much than I've ever loved anything in my life. Although my anxious attachment mind needs reassurance and hear and see and feel love she gives 40% of the time, the rest I just know and feel and believe and have never doubted. Sometimes my head gets messy because of my past and I end up thinking paranoid things and I cannot apologise enough for it, my past is not where I am anymore and I am finally alive but the trauma I have been left with just needs me needing more work on myself and needing her help in reassurance and healing hugs to keep it all away. Those scary mean feelings don't happen all the time thankfully but when they do I feel intense in my mind, someone could whisper something as a joke to me and I'll answer with fire breathing back. My angelic ladybug struggles with her own head at times too as she's been through a lot like me and still views herself as not this angelic woman that I've always seen and still see her as. She's told me her pains and shown me her traumatic scars and she's recoiled back from me thinking I'd leave and be disgusted by her when all I've ever been is warm, loving and gentle with her. I love her full stop and I love her without any conditions with my whole heart and soul and I will pour all of me into her always, I'm not half assing things I'm going full gear and I need her, I want her, I crave her in all forms. Despite how glorious making love is, sex isn't something I always want or care about, it's not what I want every day all the time with her, it's not about sex. It's about the love, the connection, the care and support and holding her and being held by her that matters the utmost to me. I've been a beast for years and lived like a zombie with no care and so much self hate towards myself. This woman is mine and she has opened my eyes to a whole new world, she has made my heart beat once again and become warm, she puts bandages and plasters on my mind and she keeps my soul warm. She is the apple of my eye, the sunshine in my grey days, the moon that glistens with the stars, the water to my crops, the missing piece of my heart, my soulmate, my warrior, my princess, my woman, my wife. No matter how many miles apart we have been, she has always made it clear and she has a mission to keep in touch with me. It's something I never expected because I never had this happen before with someone needing to talk to me every single day without fail and when they are super busy or stressed out, for my special lady to always be in touch with me makes me feel so honoured and special and makes me feel so loved and appreciated. I never get bored and I never get sick of her no matter how long it's been and how long we been talking and spending time together each day. I have needed her for the longest time and I'm so thankful and grateful I finally have her and get to spend so much time and my life with her. I wish to marry her, to live with her, to have our own family and I've never wanted those parts of my life to start more than I have right now. Wish I could fast forward to raising our son or daughter in the air and teaching them how the world works and about the importance of good manners and being kind. I want to fast forward to seeing our childrens children too, I want it all and I want it now quite frankly my dear. When we are apart I miss her like mad and I cant wait for things to get easier and I can't wait to see her. I miss her straight away when she leaves to go home or go away. I've never missed someone so much and needed time with someone so much. I am always made to feel safe, cared, loved, happy, heard and seen by her and with her. I love and appreciate her more than I can ever say. I hope she knows it and remembers each day, I wish for her to remember each and every day of my love and of how special she is to me and how I wish she could borrow my eyes and see herself through mine to see she needs not be hard on herself and that she truly is the gorgeous,sweet, kind, loving, caring, attentive angel I see every single day. We will always give eachother our best and treat everything equally and always support and love eachother every day without fail because it's natural to us to give to eachother so we love just like breathing we just do for eachother. We will always be there for eachother through thick and thin from this life to the next and more for our souls with intertwine like a fabled red invisible string where we are connected forever and ever. I love you baby❤️xxx

I have been there (original poem) BY SJones

The bottom of a bottle
I have been there

The bottom of a hole
I have been there

Feeling worthless
I have been there

Pushing everyone away
I have been there

Laying on the cold floor
I have been there

Stared down the bottom of a barrel
I have been there

Stuck in a hurricane of negative thoughts
I have been there

Crippled unable to move
I have been there

Depression, I know it's name
Because I have been there.....

Walk A Day In My Shoes

*****WARNING! THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS AND TRIGGERING BLOG POST! THIS POST TALKS ABOUT GRIEF, DEPRESSION, MENTAL HEALTH, AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS! READ AT YOUR OWN CAUTION!*****

My mind has been in unrest, I have been having a harder time than normal to switch off my brain and to close my eyes and slip away to the land of sleep. How normal is it to think about killing yourself? I ask you this very big important question. 

Is it OK to think so once a day or every so often? Maybe? I mean I am no judge or councillor to tell you that answer. I have days when I think about dying, my death. Likewise, I have days where, I feel like I want to self delete. Is that healthy? Why do I think or feel like self deleting when my mental health gets bad? 

Well I will tell you the truth, It's because my head is noisy, and I cannot control the tornado of voices of heavy negativity in my head. The voices will be mine or a version of me or even worse, the voices will be of loved ones or former lovers and them telling me stupid things or my mind remembering memories or certain things being triggered and then my mind is playing the moments or conversations over in my head. 

"You control your own mind, not it controlling you" - See that? That's a good statement, for the strong-minded or strong-willed. That sentence or telling someone to think about something else, a happier time just does not work. Words or actions don't work all the time. Distractions such as video games or books or movies or music will only ever last so long because when you need to switch all off and settle to sleep, no matter how many times you close your eyes and listen to the silence that it can become too noisy and too flashy with its negative or even scary images that flash in the darkness of your eyelids to keep you awake. 

You know, keeping me awake and driving me insane lately is just trying to figure myself out and what I am doing and hell that stupid interrogation like question of "Who are you?". Who am I? I know my name and I know what kind of manners and heart I have or have had. I tend to be kind, caring, loving, soft, emotional, sensitive, smart, funny, polite and self-less. 

The past 4 years all that has remained to me is the pain. Pain from giving so much of myself for someone else to try and make and even, to keep them happy. The pain from rejection and broken up with, pain from being stone walled, guilt-tripped and used. Unrequited love pain. I see memories and I hear voices of past conversations and moments and some are just ones that may seem nice or like they don't matter or mean anything, but I guess they did to me, and they bring me anger from the pain. There's regretful pain, there are things I should have said or done sooner or realised much quicker. I should have turned my heart off and my love of giving and of trying to help someone and make them happy or laugh. If I had turned off those amazing beautiful qualities of mine, well that would not have been me, would it? 

Who am I again? Am I this hot headed, cold blooded, anger fuelled real life Doom Slayer? Or am I the Big Friendly Giant?

So much pain.....so much ANGER! How can I be expected to live with all this that I harbour within my soul?

Where else does this pain come from? A good question to ask me, and I am not in any circumstances writing or saying all this for sympathy or views or anything trivial, I am explaining as best I can all of what goes on and through my head and the pain behind these dull eyes and big smile. 

January 2020, I went through something unexpected and unplanned. The loss of an unborn child. It was tough not many knew this or know this. Some do, and I can only ever extend my thanks as I will also do here for being there and offering support. So back to the muddy field now in my mind with this topic. Losing a child. It was not planned with my partner at the time. She was scared and confused when her period was late and after finding out via a test that we were having a baby. Of course, we were both happy and scared, and she was more so scared, but soon as I found out this instantaneous snap of a switch in my head came on, and DAD MODE appeared online. I made so many promises and efforts to you know keep them safe and to get more jobs even and looked into housing and all the baby books and topics imaginable for dads and parents altogether really. I promised to keep her and the baby safe and fed and housed and to work my absolute bollocks off to do everything I could to give my kid and my Mrs a good life they deserved. Then it happened my ex partner felt weird and reported to me about bleeding, and it was heavy clotty bleeding now. We were scared and panicked and called NHS and was advised some stuff, and we sneaked off to get her some tests done without her parents knowing because they were on holidays at the time and uh well also at that time, they were not on talking terms with us BUT anyway. After hours in the Hospital it was revealed that it was not good, and the baby was miscarried and that was it. The grief of it and the magnitude of the loss took some time for it to hit and affect me because I was in this "I am strong, I must be strong for her and support her more than ever during this time" again self-less me, but it's more than understandable why I did this and acted this way. I worked through it as did my Mrs because of course we did not tell anyone besides our families and some close friends, but you know it sucked. Shit was tough and sad, a kid died......my kid......my kid died.

That's just the start of the story of pain from the past few years. Flash forward to March 2020 and Lockdown happened, COVID WAS RUNNIN WILD! My Nana died. Not from Covid. From an illness that was killing her and taking this beautiful, funny woman away for almost a decade.....Dementia. Man that uh yeah, sucked. It still sucks now, I loved my Nan, I love her still, and I always will. I will always miss her and her laugh and her stories. God this still fucking hurts. I was leaving with my Mrs to get petrol before we went to my Nans, and then I had a call to say "Nana's passed". I could feel the world around me just fall and shatter like broken glass, in an instant. So much grief and pain and anger and resent befell me. I resented my ex partner to a degree low-key in my head for not being fast enough, and I blamed myself for not doing this more or saying this or being fast enough, BUT THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE, IT HAPPENED HOW IT HAPPENED. Man, I cannot begin to tell you how much I wish I could have held her once more or have her hold me and just to tell her how much I loved her. My Nan was the best! I love you Nana! 

The pain of losing a child and then my Nan was swirling within me and of course actual lockdown kicked off, and I was angry and resting and hating so much from the government to myself and to the world. My nan had a quiet send off as opposed to a big gathering because my Nan deserved to have been seen off with so many people because so many knew her and loved her. I hate how the government told us we could not do what we wanted even though they were doing as they please. I hated how my then Mrs could not be there with me for the funeral and the fact we had a stupid fight days before causing her to shut off and not talk to me for days. How fucking childish can people be?

A month or so after losing my nan, my dad had a heart attack and was rushed to hospital and I never fucking seen him for months. That was so scary. God, it was so shitty! I was worrying every single fucking day about him and fearing the worst news every day, EVERY SINGLE DAY! He was ok though. 

Anyway, how are you feeling reading all this? Knowing my story so far? I feel shit right now, Is this what it feels like to heal? To cry and to bleed your soul out telling strangers your story?

We continue onwards to life in August 2020, I lost my Grandad. My Grampa. He passed away to me, it was so unexpected because he was in hospital for an infection and drs or nurses my family phoned every day to tell us that he was OK and then just rang us one day and said "sorry Roy has passed away" like WHAT?! HOW!? I was angry at the drs and nurses and that hospital in general I feel like they had lied to us and I never got to see him or tell him how much I loved him also. God-damn it, I was mad, I was so angry and again the hate was strong. How could I be happy any more that year? Why did the lord decide to take so much from me in 2020?

Of course my dad got taken to hospital again for months due to another heart attack and of course I was again worried and so fuckin scared for every operation for every single day, we did not see or hear him. It was terrible. THANK FUCKING GOD HE IS OK AND STILL HERE NOW! He will live forever, I am telling you now! No one else is dying!

20-fucking-20 sucked so much, and it is the most cancerous year ever fucking conceived. How could I be happy again after all this? I could not enjoy my birthday nor Christmas, my mood, mental health and relationships all strained due to all this pain and grief. 

To continue onwards now we have a gap because I am skipping over lots because no need to speak about them as nothing really much happened. I was filled with pain, grief, anger, resent of course and then August 2021 happened. I was to be a Dad again. Oh, how nice a feeling that was and once again everything cleared and Dad mode snapped back on. September 2021 the inevitable happened.....I had COVID. My dad had it, my mam had it, I had it. During the 14-day self-isolation, my then partner informed me that she was going through what seemed like another miscarriage. I could not do anything!!!! I was forced to isolate by orders of the government, or I'd endanger everyone else and get a hefty fine. The day my isolation ended was the day after the miscarriage, so I sped to see and comfort my partner and of course I landed myself in trouble for speeding by 2mph over the speed limit. I know how lame! Times were tough again and she kept the big clot of what she felt was the baby in a plastic container. It was so morbid and sad and I just wanted us to bury the container as a case of giving our second special kid a funeral but that never happened and I have no idea what ever happened to that container anymore or her because since then, the pain and strains continued and our relationship eventually and unfotly ended.

Xmas eve 2021 the relationship I was in suffered a nasty almost breaking up argument. Our pain was real and we were hurting and hurting eachother again over silly matters and I say it was silly matters because to me it was stuff not even worth an argument or doing that god damn childish and pathetic stone walling shit again over. God forbid my new partner to ever stone wall me, I am walking i aint dealing with that shit ever again. Anyway many arguments happened here and there and I forget the details now or what they were about as time goes on and as memories fade. I try and try to cut and clear out so much of the shit because I want to try and move on and away from all that shit and trauma because it does more hurt than good these days. 

Flash forward once more to April 2022 and Break up happened. Shit that hurt. A LOT MORE than I ever knew it would. It hurt more than ever for many reasons. Being lied to about being friends instead as she said she wanted to maintain our bond and connection because it was very special and how alike we are as people and well she left me on read and never messaged or called or seen me again. I seen her a few days later because I decided to pack up and leave my job because It's something I was thinking of for the longest time and felt held back by my ex partner and that i did not want to work with her again. Pain came from that too and when she eventually blocked me. Crazy how much pain you can be in from a relationship. No matter how much I tried to block her out my head or life, I always wanted to talk to her or see her again even though I never did. I was scared of seeing her and scared she would turn people against me since many people I know have completely stopped talking to me or bothering with me anymore since the relationship ended so of course that left sour thoughts and taste in my mouth. I got no proof of any lies or negative shit being talked about me. Please remember there's two sides to everyone's story and just because the female of a hetero relationship ended things that it does not mean the guy fucked up or did wrong either. My opinion is that she fell for someone else behind my back and because of the losses and arguments she resented me and off she popped. What a silly billy to lose this sexy man eh? Despite our ages being the same the relationship was very much like a teenage love where it was messy and complicated and when it worked, well it worked haha. 

The healing from the break up has been so hard like seriously! The healing and grieving of all of this has been hard and when my mental health falls. Concerts and shows have been the only thing keeping me alive this year. Always having a concert booked to look forward to just helps me along. So does the escape in with films, anime, games and music! Friends and Family have helped me too of course, but when things in my head are bad I can't help but to think of ending myself or isolating from everyone. I've had times where I have drank every day and times I have been stupid and mixed drugs and alcohol into me. I have been unemployed and skint this year too. I have regrets of leaving my old job and I do miss it sometimes of course, I would go back there if certain people no longer worked there haha.

The ptsd, guilt, regret, pain and anger I feel is insane to deal with added on from all the grief.

Do you know I have torn muscled and broken bones too among the past 4 years. I have also lost 5 stone and of course sadly due to horrible events put weight back on too. I have amassaed many grey hairs from top of my head to my toes for god sake ahaha. See I gots my humor still. 

I have faced so many rejections this year from jobs, it's been a real pain in the tubes so to speak. Listening to music, letting all this out and my emotions to stroll down my face has been a help. I cannot say all the things or explain the things that go through my head or how I feel when my mental health is in the bin but all I can say is, it fucking sucks and it always feels like it wont get better because you are in the midsts of a tornado and that's what happens. 

I lost my childhood hero recently and that has also sucked ontop of everything already on my head. Losing a strong positive soul like his to suicide was out of the blue and super scary and shocking. The guy seemed stronger than anything we have seen before. 

We don't truly know what goes on in people's minds do we? Isn't that scary? 

Would you have believed me, If I told you that I was ok? Will you believe me now when I tell you I am ok So do you get what it's been like in my head for the past 4 years? Do you understand me better? Do you know how this feels? Does this meet your vibe checks? Do I need professional help? You tell me. 

What happens now? 

Not sure entirely, BUT I will continue to fight this shit with all my might for as long as there is kickass music in the world and good worlds to escape to in the form of games, anime and films. I know by sharing all this and posting it that, I wont be looked at the same way or I will be talked about because this is a lot! 

I am only posting this to raise awareness to mental health and suicidal thoughts and on grief. 

Please do not discuss these details in any negative manner or spread it like lies and ill talked rumors. You are knowing this information to simply raise awareness to pass on to others to let them know how struggles are real and they are not alone in feeling any or all of what I have touched on and talked about with my mental health and struggles. Before you judge me, walk a day in my shoes. Thanks for your help here. :)

Thank you for listening/reading. 

This has certainly been tough and I appreciate your time and effort to go through this. 

Mental Health Awareness poem

You don't want to know how i feel,

You don't want to know the truth of my mental health,

It's not a good thing for either of us,

In this mad world, no one cares unless you are pretty or dying,

Society is cruel to those too smart for their own heads,

I've been pushed, shoved, beaten, broken, scarred, left for dead,

I've considered ending my life and how easier it would be if i was stateside,

I've lied for years telling everyone "i'm ok" when i'm dying on the inside,

It's easier to say i'm ok rather than say i'm not,

Pretending for so long was something i thought was impossible,

How to actually feel i kinda forgot,

Ever been terrified that trying your hardest would not be enough?, 

I'm so fucking tired, I've thought too much, help me,

If this life does not kill you, the emptiness and loneliness will,

I put on a happy face every day i wake up and embrace the sun,

As my heart beats irregularly depressingly, 

My addiction is escaping reality, to see all of life's possibilities,

Life is strange and i'm lost with no direction in sight, 

The world for myself is right now in such blight,

I've lost who i am or supposed to be,

I've thought about the medical pills but never had the courage to act,

Demons on my mind, demons in my mind,

They feed me lies and insecurities,

They get me to listen and to obey them so much easier than the self love in my brain,

Those same monsters in my head are scarier than the monsters who hide under the bed,

I'm not good with feelings despite people proclaiming me to be a wordsmith,

I care too much and i wish i did not,

When i'm low there's no where to go,

Do you care that i hurt, Do you know how much i cry,

Do you wanna know a secret?, Know why? Neither do i,

I've torn my hair out of my scalp,

I've stressed so much and had palpitations,

I've suffered a panic attack in public space,

Forever I've felt alone sitting at home inside my own head,

I've always said and felt even through my darkest days that i have a fire burning,

I want to preserve that fire and keep it burning for always,

I need help sometimes to get back up and on my feet again,

It's hard to go to others when you don't even know how you are feeling,

I've felt awkward and uncomfortable with hugs and praises and shown love,

When really there's a part in my brain that gets unblocked and feels warm after a hug,

I've had no choice but continue going on down this road,

Hope is almost always on the horizon, 

I've often been the hope walking down the road,

My strength is unparalleled, that still does not mean i can break easily,

It's a challenge trying to stay strong all the time, 

I'll always blame myself for all the wrongs,

This is how i am, who i have been.