In Loving Memory Of Steve Evans

Hello everyone, so a close family friend has unfortunately and unexpectedly passed away today....this is raw to me, and I am still in shock, and it's been 6 hours (as of writing) since I had the news broken to me from my best friend James, that his Dad has passed away.

James told me last night his dad was not well and had to go to hospital. 11am James contacted me as he needed someone, so I stayed with James and chilled and chatted and tried to distract him from the uncertainty of what was going on. It was a difficult task because we were both holding out for hope and both scared and uncertain of what to do or say or how things were looking. Steve I did my best to look after and comfort your son and I will always do that for you. Anyway, what makes me so much in shock is like we did not see this coming at all, there were no signs, he was fine and then just gone?! I know not of what I am writing or the goal of this post, it's a vent, it's raw, it's shock, it's emotional and so sad.

I have known James and his family for like 20 odd years, So I have been treated pretty much like family by my best friend James and his family. Steven Evans was like a second Dad to me, I was always treated with utmost respect and love and care by him. Steve always made everyone smile and laugh. He had killer Ozzy & Borat impressions that always made me laugh and smile. Steve would always be found at his beloved Chepstow Racing Course or in the Cardiff City Stadium watching his precious Blue Birds go at it in any home game of footie. When Steve was not at his beloved places he would be at home or on the farm or out and about with James or their dogs Leo and Sam. Sam unfortunately passed a few years back now but wow what a dog he was.

Whenever I gamed with James at night, Steve would always come into James room and greet him with some banter nicknames which always tickled us all, from calling James "sadness" or "child" it would always result in a "wtf haha" moment. James would often complain of Steve walking in his room at random points just to let a ripper off (a fart). Life doesn't make sense sometimes how good people can just be taken away with no signs, no indication that something isn't right. Never thought Steve would leave us, let alone this early in life, 60 is still too young.

The last interaction I had was Steve was upon leaving James house Thursday night/Early Hours Friday morning after Steve picked me and James up from seeing Electric Callboy in Bristol. I thanked him for taking me and giving me a lift home and said take care, and I'll see you soon. He said the same to me. I always made sure to thank him and treat him with the most utmost respect and politeness, he was a man that deserved the best and nothing else. On any car journey or trip James and Steve would play Yellow Car and also a game they made up where you make a sentence up from the last 3 letters of a car's reg plate and now that game always provided such laughs. If I was ever a bother or burden or annoying, please know, I am so sorry Steve.

This is the last photo I have of Steve.

I have no idea when the weight of this will sink in for myself, let alone James and his family. I keep expecting to hear someone say that it's some sort of prank or lie, but It does not seem to be happening, like James said to me, "this feels like some sort of sick dream I am waiting to be woken up from" and same here James....same here....

Furthermore, I wish I could have hugged and thanked Steve and told him, I loved him and how much he means to me, before he left this mortal plane. I hope he knew. I hope James and his family will be as OK as they can and that Steve can look out for them from beyond this world too. I am so sorry James. Please know I will give as much space as possible to the family and do whatever I can to help out, whenever I can. I am so sorry for your loss and I will love and miss him forever and always cherish the memories that I have of the legendary, Steven Evans.

Mood Today (original poem, lyrics, story) by Sjones

I'm writing these words just to say,
About how I am doing and my mood today,
Quiet and fine,
Inside my mind,
It's not so silent,

Violent,
My anger and frustrations,
Surviving is a riot,
There's not many that know, all who go,
Chasing dreams over a colourful rainbow,

This too goes to show,
My mind is singing, while the exterior is quiet,
Everyone's asking, are you okay?, how are you today?,
I smile and sit in silence,

I'm okay or at least I say,
I'm not really sure what to say, of how I am really doing on this day,
Numbness and sadness underneath my clouds,
It hasn't rained in days, this sight's profound,

Take your time and focus on yourself,
They all say, little do they know,
That can't quite be,
Done,

I'm having fun,
Living my life distracting myself,
My emotions I cast aside and set up on a shelf,
As I'm living and breathing trying to forget someone else,

Memories are nice but bring pain,
Of a heart break that feels like yesterday,
It's been a while now and I still feel empty and drained,
Missing a part of me even though I am not in pieces,
Physically,

My body is exhausted
Mentally maimed,

I'm losing sleep, sleeping less on the daily,
My heart is locked away underwater in a locker titled,
Davey,
Which will give up first I often wonder,
Heart, soul or mind which will be the first to go under,

Life is something I always ponder,
What came before, what comes after,
Ok I say,

As I'm holding back laughter,

We've heard quite enough,
I feel like I'm dying, Is there any wonder,
Why?,
With all these words in my head,
I'm overflowing with all this existential dread.

Drowning In The Breakdown

It's so hard right now, to think straight,
I feel like my head is coming unscrewed,
My emotions feel so skewed,
I have no idea, how i feel in the moment,
I try to stop the spiral but it keeps sucking me in,
I'm reaching out, i need the help,
The healing, the recovery is all so raw,

Drowning in my sorrows with the world in dismay,
Suffocated with so much grief,
My vision clouded and out look bleak,
A magic 8 ball can't help me now,
Drowning my sorrows with booze, It dull's the pain,
But the memories, they remain,

I've never felt a pain like this,
I never expected it to last as long as it has,
That pain keeps stabbing me and pulling me under,
Mental sorrows which continue to cast me asunder,
My head space is an uneven grounded reality,
I take walks into nature with music blasting between each ear,
Hoping to see the world a lot more clearer,

Dealing with so much is not easy,
The days are long and the heat is brutal,
The miscommunication and assumptions are no help,
The expectations are of a natural world,
I rest impatiently waiting for the normal to return,
I keep myself busy and work all night and all day,
I type and i edit as the sun goes down and end as the sun comes up,

Drowning my sorrows with food for comfort,
Suffocated in so much negativity,
Jealousy runs rampant of those who are spending time together through quarantine,
Afraid of catching the new black death, the new biological weapon,
Getting run down and run over by so much, it causes a breakdown,

Drowning in my sorrows by bottling it up,
Getting numb from the usual pain,
Need to get free from the cage of sorrows and anger,
I need to be released from the agony the world has caused me,
Escaping from reality with gaming and movies is a constant effort,
I've thought the worst things, i'm continuing to burn my fire,
Trying to keep myself warm and alight,
Forgive me for not controlling that bright burn,
I need you by my side to help me weather the storm as it's easier together,
The demons can't fight our army,

I'm not good at expressing my feelings,
I'm so used to bottling up, using food for comfort,
It's easier to hate ourselves than to love thy self,
When you been victimised and bullied you're entire life,
When media all portrays this is how people should work, this is what to expect and need and desire,
I'm sorry for showing disregard for the rules and wanting you close for selfish gains,

Drowning my sorrows with food and alcohol,
It's not right or healthy but it's the unnatural response we have all been brought up with,
Men don't talk or feel or show emotions, But I do,
I feel so much, i'm an empath, i can feel you're emotions right now,
It's alright to feel how you are feeling, the world is not normal and we're all suffering,
We're all healing, It's all going to work out and be okay, be thankful, be grateful,
We're alive and we are breathing.

Love Poem

Love, What is love? 

a poem by Scott Jones

Love is a feeling, an emotion,

Love is there in the morning, in the afternoon, in the night, all throughout your day.

Love is care, Love is support,

Love is that undying unconditional feeling you have for someone or something,

Love is powerful, Love is thoughtful,

Love is passion, Love is excitement, 

Love is never dying, Love is a chemical process and balance and a clash of things inside us,

Love is warm, Love is beautiful,

Love is graceful, Love is meaningful,

Love is to have a special someone, Love is to have all the happiness, praise and smiles,

Love is funny, Love is laughter,

Love is true, Love is life, Love is sharing,

Love is a partnership, A commitment, a bond, 

Love is staying up all night talking about life and the universe and what lies ahead,

Love is trust, honesty and respect,

Love is that feeling of being so high, so naturally high,

Love is hard, tough, emotional, challenging,

Love is a hand to hold,

Love is that warm embrace,

Love is that loving gaze,

Love is that smiling face,

Love is magic to touch,

Love is music to our ears,

Love is a breath of fresh air,

Love is understanding,

Love is patient, Love is nurturing,
Love is protective, Love is confident,

Love is sexual, it's orgasmic,

Love is that feeling of completion,

Love is always missing you, when we are not in the same room,

Love is magical,

Love is the best place,

Love is worth writing about,

Love is always having your back,

Love is being your number one fan,

Love is running fingers through your hair,
Love is assurance and reassurance,

Love is eternal,

Love is elemental,

Love is all around,

Love is that overwhelmingly beautiful scent of yours,

Love is accepting, Love is loyal, 

Love is being who you are, Love is being appreciated,

Love is two souls coming together and becoming one,

Love is fusion,

Love is tender, Love is strength, Love is Faith,

Love is always here when you need it,

Love is always, Love is forever,

Love is everywhere, especially of all, right here,

Love is Love.

I Love You!

Emotional Videogame Impact (E.V.I.)

***SPOILERS ARE HERE FOR LIFE IS STRANGE AND TELLTALES THE WALKING DEAD BEWARE!!!!***

I forget sometimes on how much of an impact video games can make on us. 

Especially the interactive story games. I have recently completed Life Is Strange: Before The Storm and during the process I've teared up and had my emotions go all over the place. From smiling one minute at how happy the characters are to mistrusting and being suspicious to people to missing them to annoyance to tears of sadness to gobsmacked-ness (if it aint a word auto correct well it is now!).

I originally completed the first LIS (Life Is Strange) on Xbox 360 when it first came out back in 2015, and i originally found Chloe to be such an annoying character who was only using Max.

However after before the storm i understand so much more and i feel for her, i feel so sorry for her, its crazy, god it sounds so stupid out loud as we all know and you know she aint real at all, just a piece of writing pieced together with code, cgi and a voice actor. I feel so sorry for Chloe and I just want to hug her but alas i cannot.

It's truly amazing how some games can take you out of all that and make you feel as if the characters are real because that's damn good writing! Sorry it seems like i grew too attached to these characters but this is only the beginning of this blog post lol. Now let's get spoiling and opening up more. 

As my post indicates I grew quite attached to the game series Life Is Strange. I've finished all of them and even though I did Before The Storm last, there was apart of me that felt like I could do it, I can actually save Rachel from dying! I was happy at the end of Before The Storm to see Rachel and Chloe messing around being so happy BUT It's only when after the credits roll you realise that's not the case, you can not save her! 

She was doomed to die from the start. It's so sad, just tragic, depressing even. It's crazy that this girl whom you never really meet in the first Life Is Strange made so much of an impact in that game because all you really know about Rachel is her name and the fact she was this perfect student who has up and vanished one day. 

I will say she makes a hell of an impact in Before The Storm and on every character that ever came in contact with her. This girl who was full of life, so well known yet she is taken so young. This girl whom I made happy playing as Chloe and who made Chloe happy there's no saving her, you couldn't. 

God damn this series is so bleak, even its soundtrack is bleak but it's quite beautiful, poetically speaking.

I can only hope that as a writer I can create characters which can give people the same effect as these characters have made on me. If any of the Life Is Strange writers do read this I want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH! 

I talked about the tragedy of Life Is Strange and how beautiful it is even in it's bleakest of moments but now to talk about a game and a man from another interactive episodic game series. 

Now it's time to talk about Telltales The Walking Dead with Lee Everett!

Season 1 of Walking Dead by Telltale games featured a man named Lee. Now we don't know a whole lot about Lee besides he was on his way to prison when all of a sudden his life got flipped upside down and boom, it's the apocalypse! The other thing we know about Lee is he has a family who runs a pharmacy. Mostly we are Lee, the player is Lee and so we choose what he does and says.

So you go through this episodic first season looking after a little girl you meet named Clementine who is the sweetest girl in all of gaming let's be honest. 

She's helped us the player out at times aswell during the game. 

Now one thing happens in episode 4 which leads you to get bitten (it happens no matter what sadly). So your then infected and on your way to become a zombie. After losing some friends and encountering massive odd of bandits and zombies of course Sweet Pea gets kidnapped by some psycho and we have to get her back. 

We fight through the hordes of zombies to get to Clem even though we suffer great blood loss and the fact we are losing our time to live and we save her BUT then as we try to escape together our time is up together. 

Here we lay unable to move as our body gives out and we are faced with a decision and the first one we ever make with Clem. 

Kill Lee or let him turn into a monster? 

It's tough because we want a different way Clem does. She is so upset she does not want to lose this man who's been like a dad to her but we have no choice.

I personally shed a tear and shot Lee. 

I didn't want him to turn into a monster and Lee end up killing her. I raised Clem to not let the monsters get to her and she's a tough badass woman now.

After shooting Lee the credits song rang and I'll never forget that. The song still makes me sad now when I hear it. 

The brilliant tense adventure of Lee and Clem has come to an end.

Now flash forward years later Telltale has their final season of Walking Dead coming and I have a sinking feeling this will be it for Clem she won't be surviving the end of the season but who knows for sure.

As for Life Is Strange well a sequel is coming so who know's what will happen and how much more heartbreak we gamers will suffer with that!

That's all I have for you another slice of emotional gaming memories. If you did read this, thank you! I got a lot of this on my mind right now, along with the sad thoughts and songs that followed each sad scene of the games. I've grown so attached to these characters and games it's crazy I know. 

Share yours below!

#EmotionalVideogameImpact

Written by Scott Jones