What the heck do you mean this is my 400TH BLOG POST!!?!?!?
WOWE!!!! Don't know how to respond to that news and it cause me hecking concern haha.
So I have been quiet here for a little while just wondering what to post, what to say because this is my 400th post and again It's crazy to see that and how far along this blog has come.
(Some content here in this post may be upsetting and may cause triggers to some.)
Let's get a life update and ramble for a while randomly down the woods of my mysterious mind.
So 6th March as you have read or seen, I had my first covid 19 vaccine. It knocked me off my feet with the side effects of the Zeneca first dose but I recovered fine 4 days after my jab.
A question I get a lot is "Scott why did you dye your hair green?" the answer is simple, it's what I fancied, I wanted to dye my colour and I like green and so there we go. I will have red in my hair next but when that will happen well who knows. Also if you are new to my blog, hey I'm Scott aka 1stmetalgod as it is known on my youtube or twitter or even here on my blog which as you see it is titled 1stmetalBLOG.
My Top 10 list's have made a come back and I look forward to doing more but I am in need of suggestions so please do send them my way via comments, fb, twitter just tag me @1stmetalgod.
Last year I did a charity awareness post and again this year I wish to do another one like it near the end of the year.
I also last year wrote a lot of songs and poems and these are pure raw emotions I have expressed feeling through the power of the written word. These are just captures of emotions stuck in time when I look back at them and last year I went through so many complex emotions and the grief I have been suffering through the past year has been so rough and even now to this day I am still processing them and I am trying to do so in good and healthy ways but you know you can't be prepared for it all the time because it can hit you from nowhere and from everywhere some days.
I lost 3 people last year and that has been some of the hardest shit I have ever had to go through and this pandemic and lack of seeing friends and family and loved ones and so much more has been so detrimental to my mental health so I have said and done stupid thing's and been depressed and quick to anger and sorrow and more and I've gone about things unhealthy and healthily. I've argued and fallen out and gotten back together with some very important people in my life during this crazy pandemic. It's all a learning curve for sure but as long as there's a support system, self care and self support and some sort of freedom within the world and ability to go places and see people it's a whole lotta good to have and to bring you back into balance and finding a balance whilst surviving a pandemic and coping with the changes and grief and the loss of so many things is and has been the hardest thing I have ever had to learn and adapt to and with.
Keep in mind I have had to learn to walk, talk, write and to survive through epileptic seizures, broken bones and a car going into the back of my car during a driving lesson like almost 10 years ago not but I was diagnosed with whiplash from that. So I have overcome a lot and no doubt I will be overcoming more as we gaze into the crystal ball of life looking further into the unknown.
Brings me to another point on my mind. My family will never see me, the spiritual and mental embodiment me now like they see me physically but you know I can't help but to feel they don't get that I like to be busy and doing something always, I'm not always laid back as I show around them and I am always thinking and wanting to be on the move and doing something like. It just urks me to be laughed at and ridiculed by my family and I'm sick of being told what I should do and stuff just leave me be and let me deal and figure things out and if I need advice I will ask for said guidance because I don't want to do shit or listen to what they have to think and want to enforce on me because that kinda thing makes me not want to do shit more. So I wish they would be happy for me when I am happy about something rather than drag me down because they may be in a shitty mood it really feels like the carpet is being pulled from under me. I just want respect and support and to not feel like a child and patience I would also like from others.
I recently completed a few online courses. Child & Adolescent Mental Health, First Aid and Parapsychology Diploma. So I am now entitled to use these next to my name O.A. Dip (Parapsychology) as per instructions on the certificate of the diploma. I will hope to be educating myself more on things I am interested in and there's a career path I do wish to give a try and that's to become a support worker so I will be putting energy into finding out more about that kind of work and how I could become one, down the road here of life but for now I'm just learning new skills and gaining new qualifications for my own personal interest and development.
Since January I have lost 3 and a half stone. I have had an injury in February placing me to rest for a little while and as of writing I feel well in my ankle and leg since pulling a ligament and bruising and having a small fracture in my pinky toe. I have been walking every single day before my injury and after my injury i have done little walks now and again and the last walk I did was a 5 mile walk and I am so easily prone to blisters and god have I suffered some nasty ones. I may have taken a slow detour but I am not going over board in comfort eating and other bad habit's I have had and have carried with me for all these 25 plus years.
I feel like this past year and even the year before that I have been discovering a lot about myself and I am thankful for this and these discoveries even when times have been tough and I have thought about doing the utmost worse things to myself to take myself out of the life equation and this is sad but true. I was at a point in my life where nothing seemed to be going well and everything seemed dark and heated with others and loss of so many people and things all at once and living each day the exact same just was having me so hollow and dark and depressed and alone, it truly was a horrible thing to experience and go through. I was drinking a lot more than I ever have in my darkest clouds and taking more pain killers and in the darkest times I thought and even said out loud to people closest to me about having had enough and that a rope or more pain killers than usual are sounding like the best bet for me but listen to me now, I did not do or attempt any of that I merely imagined dark scenarios and thoughts and my friends here reading this, I urge you now if you ever felt or feel like this to talk to someone you trust about it all and please get the help and help youself out of it aswell, it's not nice and not easy to do but please it's better than taking your own life. These thought's and dark bout I had came from last year and not from the recent injury I must say to be clear.
Point of a lot of this I am making is that, I am just still discovering myself right now and there's a lot of internal and external work I need or would like to do for myself just it will all take time and It won't come overnight and that I am ramblin' now but even through the darkest day's, this guy and the fire inside him will burn, always.
So that will conclude my life update at this moment in time as of writing. Anything could happen at anytime and as ever I hope you are having a nice day and staying well and safe mentally and physically. I hope you enjoyed reading this, it was a lot of personal insight to myself and it's not always easy to blog or talk about openly or so publicly so to speak as my blog is of public nature. Probably the next life update of any kind I will give is when the pandemic is over or something else, who really knows we will just wait and see but I am certain for before then that I will be posting other interesting things here on my blog.
So for now and for always, thanks for reading and supporting me and stay shiny!
