Men's Mental Health Month

June marks Men's Mental health month. So here's a post to raise awareness on mens mental health and how important it is.

A recent study shows, 50% of men suffered poor mental health. 26% have experienced suicidal thoughts and a whopping 78% of men don't want to talk about mental health due to embarrassment or stigma surrounding mental health. How shocking is this?

Often men like to escape what's bothering them. So they get absorbed taking on more work or watching more TV and sports or doing something else entirely to an unhealthy coping level which leads men to ignore their problems.

It's important to talk it out with people we as men, really trust. Make a journal on phone or written paper and to always ask for help. It's not silly and if someone laughs you off, say screw you and go to someone else.

Take your time, breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Remember this too shall pass and always reach out to others.

A Year Has Come To Pass

So it's story time.

It has been a year since my life went flipped turned upside down. Time to look back on everything April 13, 2022 to now.....

13/04/22

My girlfriend left me. Turns out she was seeing someone else, a guy I never liked who I also worked with. She claimed to hate him too, but it's obvious lies. Anyway after the split we agreed to keep in touch and be friends. Honestly, I was so hurt and upset. I was angry too. I wanted to hurt myself or worse, kill myself.

I had so much racing through my head, I immediately called Jared, and we met up I went to his. Hugged his mum and hugged Jared and went home played some games to try and just get some sort of calm to my feelings. All the while I was messaging and chatting to those people who were there for me. My family, Annika (Zin),Layla, Lewis G, Jared, James.

A few days after the break-up I went to Birmingham with my best bro James to see Ghost who are one of my fave bands and also Impera is 2022's best album.

I had unhelpful advice and messages from people also. The bad shit I was told was "go get another girl, have a rebound.", "best way over a relationship is getting with someone else", "oh she was your first it's ok don't worry these things happen.". She was not my first, she was my first adult relationship though. No I'm not a rebound or sleep around guy. This just added to my anger because boy did I feel so much anger.

A few days passed, and I messaged her about getting my things back and was left on read. She seen my message and did not reply.

In that time, I played hooky with my previous employer for a week following the break-up and I went on holiday and I handed in my notice of immediate departure soon as I returned. It was the same day as my departure that I returned my ex's things to her home and seen her dad one last time, whilst I was still left on seen message wise and had not had my things back. A month later I had a bag of my things dropped on my door step and on that same day I went to meet up with some friends and I drove past her as she was sat in her car on the end of my street, I made it look like I had not noticed her of course and went about my day.

I was eating and drinking a lot, especially drinking, I was taking a lot of tabs even with alcohol, I was a mess. It was a lot of emotions and to try and deal with, and I had to hear my inner voice and intrusive thoughts just speak so little of me and tell me I'm the bad guy. I was evil. I was to blame for all the rot and for the disintegration of my relationship of 4 years. She blocked me and during this time and processing of things you know, I'd look up her profile and check to see what she was doing and who she was seeing, and I had sneaky suspicion as to who it was, and I have seen and confirmed it, and it made me angry, I did nothing about it other than blocking the guy. I have seen people who I thought I was friends with and liked me turn on me and support them on their relationship and I seen people I thought of as friends posting "congrats, you never looked so happy", "I'm so happy for you", "you deserve each other." The same people that said the same thing to me when I was with my ex. Instead of hanging out with me and meeting up when we had free time in our schedules they would be supporting them. My enemies. That pissed me off, and it made me weed out the poison in my head's garden, and so I removed those people and added them to my hate filled anger that scathed and burnt away at me and coursed through my veins.

I went unemployed for several months. I landed a new job in a beautiful care home, but I could not stick it out because I was not well and in the right headspace for it, so I left it after a month.

There were some things I also felt I had to come to terms with and bury. I have had a lot of resent and regrets of course and I can't do anything about it. I buried my connection to being a father. Me and the ex had 2 miscarriages. So those feelings, the mindset of being a dad and the mentality I carried along with the memories I have put away, I have buried them in a box in order to cope and to move on with my life. I was a dad. I was a lot of things with my ex and through it all, I ensured I was a good man and a good father. Maybe in future relationships a lot of who I am will not come back up on display for my next partner because of the hurt and suffering I have endured during the 4-year relationship I had previously. I do still want to be an actual father to a physical child though. I've had times where I have not and right now I feel like it is something I want because I have kinda always wanted it, it's like a dream. People tend to dream about these fancy moments or dream jobs and I have always dreamt of having my own wife and kids, and so I want that to happen. I want a good woman. I want a son and a daughter. Furthermore, I am human, and these things make me human.

So to continue back to the events of last year, I dug deep into my savings almost spending every thing I had to just survive until I had a new full time job. I went 4 months without a job. My anger was still there, frustration mixed with it over being unsuccessful with employment and opportunities. My sadness was also there.

I found a new job, one I'm still with to this day and although my first month there was tough and gruelling I did enjoy it as opposed to former employers. Funny thing is, it's opposite my old employers haha and yes I did see my ex 2 times in all the time since then to now. Anyway, my first month on my new job, I injured my back lifting heavy objects, so I had some time off and came back and been OK since.

I have seen Rammstein in Cardiff and it was an insane gig! Also attended WWEs Cardiff Ppv clash at the castle.

You know something silly, I have been anxious a lot about going to the local cinema as myself and the ex worked there. I was anxious because I didn't want to run into her or her now partner, because I feared on what I would do or say out of my emotions. I feared lashing out. Happily enough, I am strong-willed and minded because I kept my cool and did not show I cared when I saw certain people and I ignored some very existence. If you don't have the time of day for me, I don't have it for you either. You are with me or against me.

Since January 2023 I've been getting into a better lifestyle and up to now I have lost 3 and a half stone. It's hard work, but it's worthwhile, same as my job.

It's currently now April 13 2023, I am in a much better mental headspace than I have been in years right now. I don't drink much and last time I drank heavily was New Year's Eve 2022. I'm not financially secure, but I work hard as hell and I get a lot of love and praise for it. From my colleagues, to my bosses to even customers, and I'm proud and happy of it and all the love and appreciation I get for all I do. Of course, I wish I had more hours and money that's my goal to work my way back up in the bank. I also want to lose 5 stone, and I'm over half way there. In spare time I'm looking for work, gaming, writing, socialising with friends, making videos, blogging, watching films, attending shows and gigs, listening to music and working out in the gym. I've had my TikTok and YouTube blow up in views.

So, to summarise life is something else, I have been down many times, but I prevail, and I get back up. I don't think I'd ever gotten back up from last year if it wasn't for my special band of friends and family. Layla, Annika, James, Jared, Chlo, Kayl, Lewy G thank you all for doing your part and then some, I love and appreciate you all. Thank you for saving this man, and thank you for cheering me on when I was struggling to continue on. The world needs more people like you all, and I hope you are reading this. Know that if you have helped me that I thank you and I love you. I always will be in your debt and I always will be there for you all, no matter what.

Thank you to my work family and work friends they have also been so lovely, supportive and welcoming to me. Chlo, Bret, Tom, Brandon, Tracy, Sophie, Eva please know I love you all and I am grateful for you all. I don't even know if you will read this but thank you. 

Now saved the best for last, my dear reader. I want to thank you for following my story and this post and my blog in general. Thank you for any and all the support given to me. Please follow and support me on my social media's and chat with me anytime you wish.

I appreciate you!

Thank you!

What Makes A Good Team Leader?

What is a Team Leader?

A team leader is someone who assists the team with their needs and relay to management. They ensure that communication from higher-ups is passed down more clearly and directly to teams. This keeps workplaces tighter and makes sure that teams have what they need when the need for leadership rears its head. Team leaders can be seen as a hybrid of management and staff, giving important help to both.

What does a Team Leader do?

They bridge the gap between management and colleagues, team leaders are often closer to the team itself and work within it while shouldering the job of reporting back to management and heading up roles including training, motivation, and the clerical stuff that comes with being responsible for colleagues. Team leaders also keep an eye on the performance of their team. They’re in the prime position to identify areas needed for training, team building, and maybe even promoting. Your team leaders might be empowered to organize these things on their own, or they can report back to management to get the ball rolling. They are expected to lead by example. It's a demanding but rewarding role.

What skills does a team leader need?

People skills. Great listening skills. Kindness, eye for detail, Organization skills. Effective communication with patience, empathy and ability to listen, you need to know people. Problem-solving skills. Being a leader.

Also for everyone please obide by the rules in the picture below. 

More tips and advice to come soon to my blog, follow or bookmark to keep your eyes open!

Walk A Day In My Shoes

*****WARNING! THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS AND TRIGGERING BLOG POST! THIS POST TALKS ABOUT GRIEF, DEPRESSION, MENTAL HEALTH, AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS! READ AT YOUR OWN CAUTION!*****

My mind has been in unrest, I have been having a harder time than normal to switch off my brain and to close my eyes and slip away to the land of sleep. How normal is it to think about killing yourself? I ask you this very big important question. 

Is it OK to think so once a day or every so often? Maybe? I mean I am no judge or councillor to tell you that answer. I have days when I think about dying, my death. Likewise, I have days where, I feel like I want to self delete. Is that healthy? Why do I think or feel like self deleting when my mental health gets bad? 

Well I will tell you the truth, It's because my head is noisy, and I cannot control the tornado of voices of heavy negativity in my head. The voices will be mine or a version of me or even worse, the voices will be of loved ones or former lovers and them telling me stupid things or my mind remembering memories or certain things being triggered and then my mind is playing the moments or conversations over in my head. 

"You control your own mind, not it controlling you" - See that? That's a good statement, for the strong-minded or strong-willed. That sentence or telling someone to think about something else, a happier time just does not work. Words or actions don't work all the time. Distractions such as video games or books or movies or music will only ever last so long because when you need to switch all off and settle to sleep, no matter how many times you close your eyes and listen to the silence that it can become too noisy and too flashy with its negative or even scary images that flash in the darkness of your eyelids to keep you awake. 

You know, keeping me awake and driving me insane lately is just trying to figure myself out and what I am doing and hell that stupid interrogation like question of "Who are you?". Who am I? I know my name and I know what kind of manners and heart I have or have had. I tend to be kind, caring, loving, soft, emotional, sensitive, smart, funny, polite and self-less. 

The past 4 years all that has remained to me is the pain. Pain from giving so much of myself for someone else to try and make and even, to keep them happy. The pain from rejection and broken up with, pain from being stone walled, guilt-tripped and used. Unrequited love pain. I see memories and I hear voices of past conversations and moments and some are just ones that may seem nice or like they don't matter or mean anything, but I guess they did to me, and they bring me anger from the pain. There's regretful pain, there are things I should have said or done sooner or realised much quicker. I should have turned my heart off and my love of giving and of trying to help someone and make them happy or laugh. If I had turned off those amazing beautiful qualities of mine, well that would not have been me, would it? 

Who am I again? Am I this hot headed, cold blooded, anger fuelled real life Doom Slayer? Or am I the Big Friendly Giant?

So much pain.....so much ANGER! How can I be expected to live with all this that I harbour within my soul?

Where else does this pain come from? A good question to ask me, and I am not in any circumstances writing or saying all this for sympathy or views or anything trivial, I am explaining as best I can all of what goes on and through my head and the pain behind these dull eyes and big smile. 

January 2020, I went through something unexpected and unplanned. The loss of an unborn child. It was tough not many knew this or know this. Some do, and I can only ever extend my thanks as I will also do here for being there and offering support. So back to the muddy field now in my mind with this topic. Losing a child. It was not planned with my partner at the time. She was scared and confused when her period was late and after finding out via a test that we were having a baby. Of course, we were both happy and scared, and she was more so scared, but soon as I found out this instantaneous snap of a switch in my head came on, and DAD MODE appeared online. I made so many promises and efforts to you know keep them safe and to get more jobs even and looked into housing and all the baby books and topics imaginable for dads and parents altogether really. I promised to keep her and the baby safe and fed and housed and to work my absolute bollocks off to do everything I could to give my kid and my Mrs a good life they deserved. Then it happened my ex partner felt weird and reported to me about bleeding, and it was heavy clotty bleeding now. We were scared and panicked and called NHS and was advised some stuff, and we sneaked off to get her some tests done without her parents knowing because they were on holidays at the time and uh well also at that time, they were not on talking terms with us BUT anyway. After hours in the Hospital it was revealed that it was not good, and the baby was miscarried and that was it. The grief of it and the magnitude of the loss took some time for it to hit and affect me because I was in this "I am strong, I must be strong for her and support her more than ever during this time" again self-less me, but it's more than understandable why I did this and acted this way. I worked through it as did my Mrs because of course we did not tell anyone besides our families and some close friends, but you know it sucked. Shit was tough and sad, a kid died......my kid......my kid died.

That's just the start of the story of pain from the past few years. Flash forward to March 2020 and Lockdown happened, COVID WAS RUNNIN WILD! My Nana died. Not from Covid. From an illness that was killing her and taking this beautiful, funny woman away for almost a decade.....Dementia. Man that uh yeah, sucked. It still sucks now, I loved my Nan, I love her still, and I always will. I will always miss her and her laugh and her stories. God this still fucking hurts. I was leaving with my Mrs to get petrol before we went to my Nans, and then I had a call to say "Nana's passed". I could feel the world around me just fall and shatter like broken glass, in an instant. So much grief and pain and anger and resent befell me. I resented my ex partner to a degree low-key in my head for not being fast enough, and I blamed myself for not doing this more or saying this or being fast enough, BUT THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE, IT HAPPENED HOW IT HAPPENED. Man, I cannot begin to tell you how much I wish I could have held her once more or have her hold me and just to tell her how much I loved her. My Nan was the best! I love you Nana! 

The pain of losing a child and then my Nan was swirling within me and of course actual lockdown kicked off, and I was angry and resting and hating so much from the government to myself and to the world. My nan had a quiet send off as opposed to a big gathering because my Nan deserved to have been seen off with so many people because so many knew her and loved her. I hate how the government told us we could not do what we wanted even though they were doing as they please. I hated how my then Mrs could not be there with me for the funeral and the fact we had a stupid fight days before causing her to shut off and not talk to me for days. How fucking childish can people be?

A month or so after losing my nan, my dad had a heart attack and was rushed to hospital and I never fucking seen him for months. That was so scary. God, it was so shitty! I was worrying every single fucking day about him and fearing the worst news every day, EVERY SINGLE DAY! He was ok though. 

Anyway, how are you feeling reading all this? Knowing my story so far? I feel shit right now, Is this what it feels like to heal? To cry and to bleed your soul out telling strangers your story?

We continue onwards to life in August 2020, I lost my Grandad. My Grampa. He passed away to me, it was so unexpected because he was in hospital for an infection and drs or nurses my family phoned every day to tell us that he was OK and then just rang us one day and said "sorry Roy has passed away" like WHAT?! HOW!? I was angry at the drs and nurses and that hospital in general I feel like they had lied to us and I never got to see him or tell him how much I loved him also. God-damn it, I was mad, I was so angry and again the hate was strong. How could I be happy any more that year? Why did the lord decide to take so much from me in 2020?

Of course my dad got taken to hospital again for months due to another heart attack and of course I was again worried and so fuckin scared for every operation for every single day, we did not see or hear him. It was terrible. THANK FUCKING GOD HE IS OK AND STILL HERE NOW! He will live forever, I am telling you now! No one else is dying!

20-fucking-20 sucked so much, and it is the most cancerous year ever fucking conceived. How could I be happy again after all this? I could not enjoy my birthday nor Christmas, my mood, mental health and relationships all strained due to all this pain and grief. 

To continue onwards now we have a gap because I am skipping over lots because no need to speak about them as nothing really much happened. I was filled with pain, grief, anger, resent of course and then August 2021 happened. I was to be a Dad again. Oh, how nice a feeling that was and once again everything cleared and Dad mode snapped back on. September 2021 the inevitable happened.....I had COVID. My dad had it, my mam had it, I had it. During the 14-day self-isolation, my then partner informed me that she was going through what seemed like another miscarriage. I could not do anything!!!! I was forced to isolate by orders of the government, or I'd endanger everyone else and get a hefty fine. The day my isolation ended was the day after the miscarriage, so I sped to see and comfort my partner and of course I landed myself in trouble for speeding by 2mph over the speed limit. I know how lame! Times were tough again and she kept the big clot of what she felt was the baby in a plastic container. It was so morbid and sad and I just wanted us to bury the container as a case of giving our second special kid a funeral but that never happened and I have no idea what ever happened to that container anymore or her because since then, the pain and strains continued and our relationship eventually and unfotly ended.

Xmas eve 2021 the relationship I was in suffered a nasty almost breaking up argument. Our pain was real and we were hurting and hurting eachother again over silly matters and I say it was silly matters because to me it was stuff not even worth an argument or doing that god damn childish and pathetic stone walling shit again over. God forbid my new partner to ever stone wall me, I am walking i aint dealing with that shit ever again. Anyway many arguments happened here and there and I forget the details now or what they were about as time goes on and as memories fade. I try and try to cut and clear out so much of the shit because I want to try and move on and away from all that shit and trauma because it does more hurt than good these days. 

Flash forward once more to April 2022 and Break up happened. Shit that hurt. A LOT MORE than I ever knew it would. It hurt more than ever for many reasons. Being lied to about being friends instead as she said she wanted to maintain our bond and connection because it was very special and how alike we are as people and well she left me on read and never messaged or called or seen me again. I seen her a few days later because I decided to pack up and leave my job because It's something I was thinking of for the longest time and felt held back by my ex partner and that i did not want to work with her again. Pain came from that too and when she eventually blocked me. Crazy how much pain you can be in from a relationship. No matter how much I tried to block her out my head or life, I always wanted to talk to her or see her again even though I never did. I was scared of seeing her and scared she would turn people against me since many people I know have completely stopped talking to me or bothering with me anymore since the relationship ended so of course that left sour thoughts and taste in my mouth. I got no proof of any lies or negative shit being talked about me. Please remember there's two sides to everyone's story and just because the female of a hetero relationship ended things that it does not mean the guy fucked up or did wrong either. My opinion is that she fell for someone else behind my back and because of the losses and arguments she resented me and off she popped. What a silly billy to lose this sexy man eh? Despite our ages being the same the relationship was very much like a teenage love where it was messy and complicated and when it worked, well it worked haha. 

The healing from the break up has been so hard like seriously! The healing and grieving of all of this has been hard and when my mental health falls. Concerts and shows have been the only thing keeping me alive this year. Always having a concert booked to look forward to just helps me along. So does the escape in with films, anime, games and music! Friends and Family have helped me too of course, but when things in my head are bad I can't help but to think of ending myself or isolating from everyone. I've had times where I have drank every day and times I have been stupid and mixed drugs and alcohol into me. I have been unemployed and skint this year too. I have regrets of leaving my old job and I do miss it sometimes of course, I would go back there if certain people no longer worked there haha.

The ptsd, guilt, regret, pain and anger I feel is insane to deal with added on from all the grief.

Do you know I have torn muscled and broken bones too among the past 4 years. I have also lost 5 stone and of course sadly due to horrible events put weight back on too. I have amassaed many grey hairs from top of my head to my toes for god sake ahaha. See I gots my humor still. 

I have faced so many rejections this year from jobs, it's been a real pain in the tubes so to speak. Listening to music, letting all this out and my emotions to stroll down my face has been a help. I cannot say all the things or explain the things that go through my head or how I feel when my mental health is in the bin but all I can say is, it fucking sucks and it always feels like it wont get better because you are in the midsts of a tornado and that's what happens. 

I lost my childhood hero recently and that has also sucked ontop of everything already on my head. Losing a strong positive soul like his to suicide was out of the blue and super scary and shocking. The guy seemed stronger than anything we have seen before. 

We don't truly know what goes on in people's minds do we? Isn't that scary? 

Would you have believed me, If I told you that I was ok? Will you believe me now when I tell you I am ok So do you get what it's been like in my head for the past 4 years? Do you understand me better? Do you know how this feels? Does this meet your vibe checks? Do I need professional help? You tell me. 

What happens now? 

Not sure entirely, BUT I will continue to fight this shit with all my might for as long as there is kickass music in the world and good worlds to escape to in the form of games, anime and films. I know by sharing all this and posting it that, I wont be looked at the same way or I will be talked about because this is a lot! 

I am only posting this to raise awareness to mental health and suicidal thoughts and on grief. 

Please do not discuss these details in any negative manner or spread it like lies and ill talked rumors. You are knowing this information to simply raise awareness to pass on to others to let them know how struggles are real and they are not alone in feeling any or all of what I have touched on and talked about with my mental health and struggles. Before you judge me, walk a day in my shoes. Thanks for your help here. :)

Thank you for listening/reading. 

This has certainly been tough and I appreciate your time and effort to go through this. 

How I Treated My Covid-19 Symptoms.

Ok so my treatment of my Covid 19 symptoms changed gradually every day. 

To start for the first few days, I just took Ibuprofen, paracetamol, cough medicine & pastels and drank plenty of water and adjusted to my bodily fluctuations of hot and cold sweats. I also used my throat spray and had regular cups of Lemsip tea with some honey in it too. I gargled and spat out mouth wash every morning and night also. I made sure my window was always open to for fresh air. 

I regularly before and during and after Covid, sanitize my hands, always have because I am a bit of a germaphobe although to not an extreme limit, just to a point I feel clean. 

Sleep was hard to come by and I always felt tired no matter how much sleep I had but my sleep was almost everyday disturbed by myself waking me up via coughs or toilet trips. 

Later on during my illness, I did lost my taste and smell and I kept doing all I was doing prior but this time I used some decongestion nasal spray, vicks stick and vicks vapour rub to try and clear my blocked nose. 

However after my isolation period I went out and purchased some nasal spray which spray's vapour fumes up the nose and It is more helpful than your standard Vicks vapour sniff sticks.

I hope my guide and what I did can help anyone else struggling with their symptoms in anyway, shape or form.

Thanks for reading! 

STAY SHINY!

Random Ramblin's 44 - The One With The 400TH Blog Post

What the heck do you mean this is my 400TH BLOG POST!!?!?!?

WOWE!!!!  Don't know how to respond to that news and it cause me hecking concern haha.

So I have been quiet here for a little while just wondering what to post, what to say because this is my 400th post and again It's crazy to see that and how far along this blog has come. 

(Some content here in this post may be upsetting and may cause triggers to some.)

Let's get a life update and ramble for a while randomly down the woods of my mysterious mind. 

So 6th March as you have read or seen, I had my first covid 19 vaccine. It knocked me off my feet with the side effects of the Zeneca first dose but I recovered fine 4 days after my jab. 

A question I get a lot is "Scott why did you dye your hair green?" the answer is simple, it's what I fancied, I wanted to dye my colour and I like green and so there we go. I will have red in my hair next but when that will happen well who knows. Also if you are new to my blog, hey I'm Scott aka 1stmetalgod as it is known on my youtube or twitter or even here on my blog which as you see it is titled 1stmetalBLOG. 

My Top 10 list's have made a come back and I look forward to doing more but I am in need of suggestions so please do send them my way via comments, fb, twitter just tag me @1stmetalgod.

Last year I did a charity awareness post and again this year I wish to do another one like it near the end of the year. 

I also last year wrote a lot of songs and poems and these are pure raw emotions I have expressed feeling through the power of the written word. These are just captures of emotions stuck in time when I look back at them and last year I went through so many complex emotions and the grief I have been suffering through the past year has been so rough and even now to this day I am still processing them and I am trying to do so in good and healthy ways but you know you can't be prepared for it all the time because it can hit you from nowhere and from everywhere some days. 

I lost 3 people last year and that has been some of the hardest shit I have ever had to go through and this pandemic and lack of seeing friends and family and loved ones and so much more has been so detrimental to my mental health so I have said and done stupid thing's and been depressed and quick to anger and sorrow and more and I've gone about things unhealthy and healthily. I've argued and fallen out and gotten back together with some very important people in my life during this crazy pandemic. It's all a learning curve for sure but as long as there's a support system, self care and self support and some sort of freedom within the world and ability to go places and see people it's a whole lotta good to have and to bring you back into balance and finding a balance whilst surviving a pandemic and coping with the changes and grief and the loss of so many things is and has been the hardest thing I have ever had to learn and adapt to and with. 

Keep in mind I have had to learn to walk, talk, write and to survive through epileptic seizures, broken bones and a car going into the back of my car during a driving lesson like almost 10 years ago not but I was diagnosed with whiplash from that. So I have overcome a lot and no doubt I will be overcoming more as we gaze into the crystal ball of life looking further into the unknown. 

Brings me to another point on my mind. My family will never see me, the spiritual and mental embodiment me now like they see me physically but you know I can't help but to feel they don't get that I like to be busy and doing something always, I'm not always laid back as I show around them and I am always thinking and wanting to be on the move and doing something like. It just urks me to be laughed at and ridiculed by my family and I'm sick of being told what I should do and stuff just leave me be and let me deal and figure things out and if I need advice I will ask for said guidance because I don't want to do shit or listen to what they have to think and want to enforce on me because that kinda thing makes me not want to do shit more. So I wish they would be happy for me when I am happy about something rather than drag me down because they may be in a shitty mood it really feels like the carpet is being pulled from under me. I just want respect and support and to not feel like a child and patience I would also like from others. 

I recently completed a few online courses. Child & Adolescent Mental Health, First Aid and Parapsychology Diploma. So I am now entitled to use these next to my name O.A. Dip (Parapsychology) as per instructions on the certificate of the diploma. I will hope to be educating myself more on things I am interested in and there's a career path I do wish to give a try and that's to become a support worker so I will be putting energy into finding out more about that kind of work and how I could become one, down the road here of life but for now I'm just learning new skills and gaining new qualifications for my own personal interest and development. 

Since January I have lost 3 and a half stone. I have had an injury in February placing me to rest for a little while and as of writing I feel well in my ankle and leg since pulling a ligament and bruising and having a small fracture in my pinky toe. I have been walking every single day before my injury and after my injury i have done little walks now and again and the last walk I did was a 5 mile walk and I am so easily prone to blisters and god have I suffered some nasty ones. I may have taken a slow detour but I am not going over board in comfort eating and other bad habit's I have had and have carried with me for all these 25 plus years. 

I feel like this past year and even the year before that I have been discovering a lot about myself and I am thankful for this and these discoveries even when times have been tough and I have thought about doing the utmost worse things to myself to take myself out of the life equation and this is sad but true. I was at a point in my life where nothing seemed to be going well and everything seemed dark and heated with others and loss of so many people and things all at once and living each day the exact same just was having me so hollow and dark and depressed and alone, it truly was a horrible thing to experience and go through. I was drinking a lot more than I ever have in my darkest clouds and taking more pain killers and in the darkest times I thought and even said out loud to people closest to me about having had enough and that a rope or more pain killers than usual are sounding like the best bet for me but listen to me now, I did not do or attempt any of that I merely imagined dark scenarios and thoughts and my friends here reading this, I urge you now if you ever felt or feel like this to talk to someone you trust about it all and please get the help and help youself out of it aswell, it's not nice and not easy to do but please it's better than taking your own life. These thought's and dark bout I had came from last year and not from the recent injury I must say to be clear. 

Point of a lot of this I am making is that, I am just still discovering myself right now and there's a lot of internal and external work I need or would like to do for myself just it will all take time and It won't come overnight and that I am ramblin' now but even through the darkest day's, this guy and the fire inside him will burn, always. 

So that will conclude my life update at this moment in time as of writing. Anything could happen at anytime and as ever I hope you are having a nice day and staying well and safe mentally and physically. I hope you enjoyed reading this, it was a lot of personal insight to myself and it's not always easy to blog or talk about openly or so publicly so to speak as my blog is of public nature. Probably the next life update of any kind I will give is when the pandemic is over or something else, who really knows we will just wait and see but I am certain for before then that I will be posting other interesting things here on my blog. 

So for now and for always, thanks for reading and supporting me and stay shiny!

Grey Skies Will Fade Away - Poem

Although the skies are grey,

And you're mind is unclear,

Know that i will sit beside you,

And it will all be okay my dear,

I know its tough right now,

And emotions are high,

But rest easy knowing i am by your side,

The rain will ease away,

And We will welcome a rainbow to stay,

Brighter days are coming,

For as long as you are still smiling,

The world is beautiful and full of vibrant colours,

With you here, this world will never get duller,

Thank you for being the light in the dark,

Thank you for holding onto me during stormy seas,

Thank you for being the sense and calm in my madness,

Thank you for all you're beautiful words and emotions,

Thank you for all the love you give me,

Thank you for not giving up and staying here,

Don't give up, Stand unbroken,

Continue to grow and heal and continue evolving,

For the hurt and anger and depression and anxiety you live with,

I am sorry for those who brought the worst to you and tried to destroy you,

You are in control and all is well now, no need to be afraid,

No harm will ever come to you, No harm should have ever came to you,

We can't rewind time, but if we could we would,

We would meet sooner, laugh harder,

Never stop smiling, Live together longer,

We would do as we are doing now, live and conquer,

Us against the world and not at each other,

Thank you for being the best team mate i could ever wish for,

Thank you for warming my heart up,

Thank you for making me smile and laugh so hard,

Thank you for making so many beautiful memories with me,

Thank you for helping me grow and learn,

Thank you for loving and holding me,

Thank you for staying with me,

I know how excited and happy and joyous i get at times,

Be it about seeing you again, Or hearing or seeing something amazing,

You continue to inspire and motivate me and make me sane,

I know some days are harder than others,

But nothing truly beats laying with you under the covers,

Stay strong my sunflower, for you will bloom again soon,

It's not easy living in our heads,

At least we have each other.

Mental Health Awareness poem

You don't want to know how i feel,

You don't want to know the truth of my mental health,

It's not a good thing for either of us,

In this mad world, no one cares unless you are pretty or dying,

Society is cruel to those too smart for their own heads,

I've been pushed, shoved, beaten, broken, scarred, left for dead,

I've considered ending my life and how easier it would be if i was stateside,

I've lied for years telling everyone "i'm ok" when i'm dying on the inside,

It's easier to say i'm ok rather than say i'm not,

Pretending for so long was something i thought was impossible,

How to actually feel i kinda forgot,

Ever been terrified that trying your hardest would not be enough?, 

I'm so fucking tired, I've thought too much, help me,

If this life does not kill you, the emptiness and loneliness will,

I put on a happy face every day i wake up and embrace the sun,

As my heart beats irregularly depressingly, 

My addiction is escaping reality, to see all of life's possibilities,

Life is strange and i'm lost with no direction in sight, 

The world for myself is right now in such blight,

I've lost who i am or supposed to be,

I've thought about the medical pills but never had the courage to act,

Demons on my mind, demons in my mind,

They feed me lies and insecurities,

They get me to listen and to obey them so much easier than the self love in my brain,

Those same monsters in my head are scarier than the monsters who hide under the bed,

I'm not good with feelings despite people proclaiming me to be a wordsmith,

I care too much and i wish i did not,

When i'm low there's no where to go,

Do you care that i hurt, Do you know how much i cry,

Do you wanna know a secret?, Know why? Neither do i,

I've torn my hair out of my scalp,

I've stressed so much and had palpitations,

I've suffered a panic attack in public space,

Forever I've felt alone sitting at home inside my own head,

I've always said and felt even through my darkest days that i have a fire burning,

I want to preserve that fire and keep it burning for always,

I need help sometimes to get back up and on my feet again,

It's hard to go to others when you don't even know how you are feeling,

I've felt awkward and uncomfortable with hugs and praises and shown love,

When really there's a part in my brain that gets unblocked and feels warm after a hug,

I've had no choice but continue going on down this road,

Hope is almost always on the horizon, 

I've often been the hope walking down the road,

My strength is unparalleled, that still does not mean i can break easily,

It's a challenge trying to stay strong all the time, 

I'll always blame myself for all the wrongs,

This is how i am, who i have been.

Be Nice!

Don't necessarily believe everything you hear or see, be it online or offline. It doesn't matter what age you are, don't let others opinions or what you read online, dictate how you treat other people.

Get rid of likes and follows or followers who do not impact your life in a positive way or do not help you're mental health. A healthy social media feed is essential for growth as a person and for a good mental well being.

Don't ignore pain. Pain is there to remind us our bodies and minds need to rest and recover. Grief has no expiry date but the passage of time does make it easier on ourselves. Remember the good times, hold onto those memories let the good moments inspire, motivate you and make you smile.

Don't be afraid to talk about what you're going through. Don't shy away from everyone just take your time and find ways you're comfortable to talk about things to people who care about you and those you trust. If you prefer talking in person or online just take your time when discussing those matters of the heart.

Don't neglect yourself or anyone and be kind, look out for one another, be supportive and caring but most importantly just be nice.

Some Helpful tips

How to improve memory fast

Hit gym, cardio workout. 

Good snack. 

Good social life. 

Memory champion? Stress can help weirdly.

How to learn faster

Skip laptop use pen and paper

Study-sleep-study 

Modify practice

Exercise

Mnemonic device

Say it out loud

Stay hydrated

Reward yourself.

Confidence boosting tips

Fake it.

Eliminate negativity and negative people.

Compliment others.

Do one thing a day thats good for you're body.

Develop you're brain. Feed it with knowledge everyday.

Help someone everyday.

How to stop worrying about money

Write list of items responsible to pay for to focus on.

Put a little by every payday.

Shop cheap.

Cut back.

How do i get back into writing

Start writing

How to stay motivated while writing

Figure out the slump why not writing?

Write.

These are a few for us all to remember, more tips to come in future i am sure. 

THE 1000 WORD SERIES: BOOK 1 STRESS - FREE DOWNLOAD EBOOK

There are many meanings to the word stress and we will be looking into a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances that type of stress over the course of this free Ebook. 

DOWNLOAD IT FOR FREE NOW - https://dl.orangedox.com/1000WordsStress

Social Media Explained in 1000 words - FREE EBOOK by Scott Jones

Released last year by south Wales music label Cylent Beatz. I was apart of Cylent Beatz as a volunteer i joined them after i lost my first job and i had a hell of a year with them. They gave me opportunities to explore and skills to expand and new ones to build upon. I am greatly thankful for the time spent there and for all they have given me. 

This ebook was the first i did with them, we were supposed to work on a series of books in a 1000 words per book it was going to be a self help/advice book series but the plans did not go through and i only have 2 ebooks from that series for you. This is the second FREE EBOOK for you! CLICK ON THE PIC OR LINK!

https://dl.orangedox.com/GvMgcOrl2cFoWwkHQU

This free ebook is explaining social media, how it works and finding the best site for you! There was supposed to be a part 2 but i have not got any copies of that one. 

8 pages 1000 words. READ/DOWNLOAD THIS FREE EBOOK TODAY! 

Confidence: A 1000 Word Guide by Scott Jones FREE DOWNLOAD

Released last year by south Wales music label Cylent Beatz. I was apart of Cylent Beatz as a volunteer i joined them after i lost my first job and i had a hell of a year with them. They gave me opportunities to explore and skills to expand and new ones to build upon. I am greatly thankful for the time spent there and for all they have given me. 

This ebook was the first i did with them, we were supposed to work on a series of books in a 1000 words per book it was going to be a self help/advice book series but the plans did not go through and i only have 2 ebooks from that series for you. The second one will be here shortly. 

9 pages and 1000 words this is a short simple easy to follow FREE ebook guide on confidence and how to increase it. CLICK ON THE PICTURE OR LINK TO READ IT NOW!

https://dl.orangedox.com/W46fE5AmEPPDMbP9h1

Please feel free to download and read this guide and let me know any feedback you have. 

A RANT FOR THE END OF TIMES!

Warning foul language and much hate and anger and darkside powers up ahead....you have been warned that this......is a RANT!

Why does this keep happening? If you wish to raise awareness for something just say what needs more awareness and donate don't go round posting stupid status's. This really winds me up about the social media networks at times. "Oh bye toilet paper hello socks." "Ha thanks for liking or commenting on my status now pick a topic and post it, it's to raise awareness for so so foundation." how about fucking posting about the foundation then instead huh? Oh no its just has to be promoted after posting a weird status or one which sounds like good news oh yeah right that works huh?

Why the fuck do these posts by people keep getting spread around. Seen them all before you'd fucking think by now oh this can't be one of these posts again and it fucking is. I fucking hate Facebook, I fucking hate these non awareness raising fake posts and I hate fucking, fake people and I hate so much more than that!

I'm not going into anything further today. I am fed up of it all. Fucking wise up people. Fucking social media fakery it's all a fucking disease a fucking distraction from the doom and gloom it started out as but now it's become it's own doom and gloom.

YouTube turned into money grabbing fucks. Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram and Skype and all the other sites out there do it. It's fucked up!

Worse bit is if you have a fucking problem none of these companies want to help or even know you!

God forbid someone's being bullied and having content taken and upload elsewhere and they send a report off and guess what you will not believe this but they don't care they don't want your fucking report they'd rather you get yourself in a right rut and leave you to rot before they do something. Before you can send a report all these big named wanker sites just make it impossible to send because their system is so backwards it's become their own arse. If you do manage to successfully send a report which is so fucking rare that they will respond saying "sorry we don't agree with you so stop bothering us." they are all pathetic.

I hate everything today. I can't fucking believe the shit going round no wait I fucking can because everyone's so distracted and so full of their selves on social media they fall for anything and everything it's fucking fucked.

Since Google took over youtube it just gone so far fucking downhill it's a disgrace! 

People on youtube these days are for the majority nothing but fake ass users these users with obscene click bait thumbnails and annoying pipsqueek voices and immature dumb over acting and over reacting videos it does my head in. I fucking hate Pewdiepie, i hate smosh, i hate react bros, i don't like Jack septic eye, i don't like markiplier, I don't like many of the big youtubers because they have all sold out or are annoying as fuck that they are unwatchable and so unfunny. I like the smaller youtubers and support them a lot more and of course then i love people like filthy frank lol I'll talk more about youtubers i like and don't like in a future video. One youtuber i sorely miss is TheWolfX1VP he was my all time fave youtuber he was so fucking real and  a good friend and a great user of youtube they pissed him off and he set off to do new things and Gerald is one guy i miss talking to he really helped me out a couple years back aswell with so many tips and a great couple chats we had and that dual commentary chat video we had. Lovely guy. A lot of the youtubers i used to like have all gone cold turkey or changed for the worse or quit youtube. Jordan aka Snobbygnu i fucking loved his channel too but you know how life is, life happened he moved away from youtube i am so thankful to have him as a friend we regularly interact and game with each other still. There's so many more out there in regards to youtubers i like still today and most are all my real life friends and i love and respect them very much except when they are being annoying lol Ah see i feel better now getting all this shit off my chest and reflecting onto the good stuff and better sides of the coin. 

I want to apologise but i should not because i have been so sick and so tired and so angry at many of the things going on in the world in my life and shit recently that i have just exploded into a fiery blaze pent up with hate and anger that just needs to be getting out there so that i may cool down and relax again but it's not happened still yet. I have a lot of anger in me still as you can see from my writing and ranting. I have a lot of hate at the moment and anger but not suffering i don't think so i can't fully be accepted to the darkside just yet can i? I think i also have mild depression at the moment also since i have been more or less a shut in since i finished with my last employer and the fact i have had very little sleep and i always belittle myself or have trouble making decisions but some of these i have always had in life....well for as long as i remember. Now i don't like to take tablets at all so i won't as ever take any pills at all, why? I don't like them, i can not swallow them it feels like i am choking like my throat closes up the moment a tablet enters my mouth. I have seen people depressed and i have seen people depressed on prescribed medication and yeah sure it can do wonders for some but for others it just does not look or feel right and some have said that it does not make them feel good either and you see if you are depressed you will be wanting to be happy but how can you be happy knowing you have to take tablets to make yourself feel happy knowing you are depressed with tablets for depression?! It's paradoxical i swear. I will say though tablets are a lot better cure for depression than that old shock therapy treatment people used to think was the only cure for it. BUT let's get it straight there's more than one cure. Natural, Self Help then Prescribed Medication can all cure depression. Positive thoughts, positive energy, positive home, positive body, positive everything, friends, music, family, food, drink, pets you know as long as everything around you is supportive and positive you can beat it that way. You can hold of depression with tablets too. There's so much you can do to stop it but to do it, know that it's not going straight away it takes a while you have to keep pushing it back and keep feeling better about yourself that you are the best there is that no one is as good as you and looks as good as you and that there's only one of you so show off to the world how good you fucking are and you will fucking beat it with a stick. 

I am trying to fix myself and venting is helping a lot and then positive thoughts are too also a bit of friend time, good music and good environment and exercise by walking about in the fresh air and sunshine is all good and it's good as the past 2 days i have been getting better and i hope i continue to. Because i am so easily irritated as of late its bugging the shit out of me. 

Before i log off, i know this is a lengthy post already but i need to thank everyone for being so supportive to me as ever and for concern's, since i have been really fed up with things lately and so on putting it lightly.

We always are around people in life, we are never alone so don't think that way, be happy your here in the now and that you have amazing people in the world who are and will always will be there for you. 

Thanks for reading. 

I'll continue to repair and fix myself. 

I'll continue to write, youtube and spend time with amazing people and music and all my other loves and hobbies in life. 

I hope you have the best day ever today. Sorry for the lengthy post lol

Scott. 

Tips on landing good impressions.

Hi again.,back to give some tips this time on impressions.
I don't do many good ones i find but of course the tips i can give are as follows.

Pick your subject: Say for example Clint Eastwood. 

Study them: Watch and listen to them over and over and over. 

Find their unique thing: Be it a nasally talker or a facial feature as much as the impression vocally it helps to impersonate their facial features like continuing with Clint he has his signature squint. 

Do the impression you have conducted from your studies out loud by reading,looking into the mirror or just generally talking in the person you aim to impersonate out loud about your every day life.

Focus on small words in the impression first maybe a key line the person says in a film or show on tv. 

Keep working on it.

Keep studying them.

Keep doing the vocal impression.

Keep doing the physical expression impression.

Have a go doing different accents aswell it will help greatly.

More tips here from the net:

If you don't have the right voice to do the impressions, copying the body language of the intended person would help the overall impression. so people can recognize the person you try to imitate.


If a person's voice is out of your range, don't worry about it, and find someone else, if you strain your voice to get the range perfect, you can permanently damage your vocal cords.


Try to envision yourself as the person you are trying to imitate. It will make it easier subconsciously to act out the subtle mannerisms and behaviors the person exhibits.


Also, do impressions that someone would instantly recognize to make the show more entertaining to watch.


Try to identify what sentence or phrase that the person you want to imitate always said, memorize it, and use it. It can be helpful to enhance the quality of your impressions.


If you really, really want to invest your time in it you can increase your range by taking it step by step. Do vocal exercises, and take your time. Again, if you strain, you could cause damage, but taking it step by step can help.

Until next time my super peeps, the god is out!