Random Ramblin 41 - Worst Year Ever & An Apology

Without any shadow of doubts this year has been the worst ever for myself.

A lot has happened and lockdown has made things so much worse and harder than ever before and its having such a heavy toll. 

I feel like my anger has just been so blinding this year same with my sadness. 

Grief has had a big ugly card at play in a lot of this and the fallout created and spawned from said grief is so traumatic that its very complicated and problematic.

Back to anger and it's been so overbearing and so quick to rise up from many factors of the world of course. I probably am suffering from some depression too I've you know said to people i want to see a dr for meds and I've said to others that it's a real struggle to keep going on every day. 

You know, it's bloody hard it really is. Not to toot horns but this one has been specially tough for me. Going into lockdown i lost my nan and damn this still hurts and makes me cry now even as i type this here, i did not expect that. Before going into lockdown another loss was had at the start of the year and fights were had and so life was tough and sad and painful and times got tough and anger and depression and grief were all there present. 

It was just a month ago i was giving the downlo on the intel i had for you from me or the lockdown. 

Times still tough and still going through a lot of shit.

All i have ever wanted is peace, love and happiness. I apologise to those reading this who i have hurt or offended in anyway. 

I am a human being and i make mistakes and i fuck a lot up unintentionally too. 

I never mean to ever hurt anyone, i truly am a gentleman and a good soul and i don't say this if i did not mean it. 

I have pushed many good people away because of my problems i know this and to them i am sorry. I never mean to be the problematic one or to shoe off all my sorrows onto anyone else so they could carry the weight or anything i just wanted to be listened to and to have had a push of help in the right direction. 

I struggle to fully cope well with the pressure of my emotions i know this and some are stronger and more powerful than others inside me. 

I got a lot of work ahead of me and yes it is a bit scary and overwhelming but the path to redemption is often rocky and uncomfortable. 

Just let's all be safe and keep well and start shining.

Stay Shiny!

Drowning In The Breakdown

It's so hard right now, to think straight,
I feel like my head is coming unscrewed,
My emotions feel so skewed,
I have no idea, how i feel in the moment,
I try to stop the spiral but it keeps sucking me in,
I'm reaching out, i need the help,
The healing, the recovery is all so raw,

Drowning in my sorrows with the world in dismay,
Suffocated with so much grief,
My vision clouded and out look bleak,
A magic 8 ball can't help me now,
Drowning my sorrows with booze, It dull's the pain,
But the memories, they remain,

I've never felt a pain like this,
I never expected it to last as long as it has,
That pain keeps stabbing me and pulling me under,
Mental sorrows which continue to cast me asunder,
My head space is an uneven grounded reality,
I take walks into nature with music blasting between each ear,
Hoping to see the world a lot more clearer,

Dealing with so much is not easy,
The days are long and the heat is brutal,
The miscommunication and assumptions are no help,
The expectations are of a natural world,
I rest impatiently waiting for the normal to return,
I keep myself busy and work all night and all day,
I type and i edit as the sun goes down and end as the sun comes up,

Drowning my sorrows with food for comfort,
Suffocated in so much negativity,
Jealousy runs rampant of those who are spending time together through quarantine,
Afraid of catching the new black death, the new biological weapon,
Getting run down and run over by so much, it causes a breakdown,

Drowning in my sorrows by bottling it up,
Getting numb from the usual pain,
Need to get free from the cage of sorrows and anger,
I need to be released from the agony the world has caused me,
Escaping from reality with gaming and movies is a constant effort,
I've thought the worst things, i'm continuing to burn my fire,
Trying to keep myself warm and alight,
Forgive me for not controlling that bright burn,
I need you by my side to help me weather the storm as it's easier together,
The demons can't fight our army,

I'm not good at expressing my feelings,
I'm so used to bottling up, using food for comfort,
It's easier to hate ourselves than to love thy self,
When you been victimised and bullied you're entire life,
When media all portrays this is how people should work, this is what to expect and need and desire,
I'm sorry for showing disregard for the rules and wanting you close for selfish gains,

Drowning my sorrows with food and alcohol,
It's not right or healthy but it's the unnatural response we have all been brought up with,
Men don't talk or feel or show emotions, But I do,
I feel so much, i'm an empath, i can feel you're emotions right now,
It's alright to feel how you are feeling, the world is not normal and we're all suffering,
We're all healing, It's all going to work out and be okay, be thankful, be grateful,
We're alive and we are breathing.