R.I.P. Jack

Recently after 15 years, my family and I had to say goodbye to our Jack🐶😭💔

I'm glad he's free of pain but still sad he's not here and I have to stop myself from asking "where's jack?". I feel like he's just gone out the back or for a walk with my dad or maybe sleeping upstairs🥹

Jack was my dad's shadow. He was a hunter dog through and through but also had so much energy and even in his golden years would snap back into puppy looney zoomy energy. He used to pounce for things and that always made me laugh and whenever he would attack his bed and make his little growls, because a Lazer was pointed at it.😂

Jack would also love to keep you company and open the door when you are in the bog or when you are trying to sleep in your room. 😂

I'll miss him always, thanks for the past 15 years of laughs and barks, R.I.P Jack❤️

Unable To Sleep, Broken Hearted, Dearly Departed. (Original poem)

I be tossing and turning, unable to sleep, My minds at a loss trying to count the sheep,
I can't move, i can't make a sound, Not even a bleep, All these overbearing things that are on my mind, how they creep.

Thoughts unwanted, head uneasy, am i keeping in too much, My inner voice it echo's such negativity, i want it to shush, I'm having breakout and breakout, skin can't take much more, If i open my mouth and let the unwanted out, will i be sore?.

I know i can't save the world, I know i am limited, I've got the biggest heart, I'm easy to be manipulated, My heart has been broken, torn and worn, These have been some of the best days of my life, I could have sworn.

Pandemic came and created much scare, I gazed into the existential void and await in much despair, 

My head is always sad, I always distract and avoid, I have a short fuse, people easily wind me up and I get so annoyed. 

I feel as if no one cares, no one is here, no one is there, Having lost family, cut off friends, I am signalling a flare, Before me now stands a door, i knock and ask who's there, Darkness and smoke surrounds the room, the bells toll but for whom?.

I have many unanswered questions and many missing scenes, A big part of me has left me to fend on my own, my soul it screams, What do i do, repeats over in my thoughts, was it all for naught?, What am i to do, what do i say, what about the future and the plans we made today. 

Will you befriend me, will you please keep in contact with me, we have a special connection you see, I will always love you and will never forget you or all our good times, this poem has many lines, I started writing this two years ago, late at night unable to neverland i go, Life is strange and this is sad, hope lives, It should always last. 

Sick of the stress, of the anger and diservice of employment, I deserve a better life, brim with enjoyment. The need to be fit is a long lasting goal, with more free time and a better stress-free work/life balance, I should be rolling in the dough. 

I want to raise a family and a home of my own, I want to be happy for the rest of my life, I am almost 30 now and I am scared more than ever of the unknown and of father time, I hope this is going well for you reading this as it's quite hard to rhyme,

I hope you read this and feel something, I wish the one who inspired and helped me for 4 years reads this and knows how special they will always be to me, Keep in touch and catch up sometime with me, I want to know if you will be safe and well, It's time to wrap this up now and to go to sleep. 

I wrote the first two paragraph's back 6/1/2020 @3:30am. Paragraph 3 onwards was written and completed on this date as of writing right now 14/4/22 @3:30am. 

Grey Skies (Original song/lyrics/poem)

The Grey skies are here,

My eyes have clouded over, from the grief,

I can't see the light,

Awaaaaay from the light of day,

Grey Skies, they haunt me, (they haunt me)

Grey skies, got a hold of me, (they got a hold of me)

Stay with me and hold my hand,

In the walk through never ever land,

I've been Peter, Always looking for my Wendy,

That mean ol Captain went and took her away from me,

It all happened so fast, in the blink of the eye of the tik tokin crocodile,

The grey skies are here, Peter can't you see,

My eyes have, clouded over and he's there tormenting,

A mean voice in the back of my head,

I shy from the bright of day,

Laying awake in bed at night, my shadow keeping me....awake,

Grey skies, wendy haunts me,  (she haunts me)

Grey skies, have their hold on me, (have their hold on me)

Tink, tink, tinkering with the bell,

A voice appears, grimacing a glee,

He insists it's Schmee, 

I lost my friends the only boys i see, 

When they all lost their faith.... in me, ( in me)

The grey skies are here,

They suffocate me drowning out the...liiiight,

I can't breathe, 

The night fills me with fright,

I lost my belief in magic this night,

The grey skies, above me, (they're haunting)

The grey skies, have their hold on me (they have a hold on me)

written 3:11am

13/12/20

by Scott Jones

Remembering Jay & Bub Jones

This post is dedicated to my children who I lost due to miscarriage. It's hard to talk about and to have gone through and I miss them dearly as do their mother.

We lost Baby Jay in January 2020.

Our Expected Bump
4:25am 6/1/20
You're so little and you won't be able to hear this yet, 

You won't be able to read or understand any of this either,

But you are so loved, you are so little, so smart, so amazing,

You are being brought up into a big, scary, cold, world,

It's an exciting time to be alive none the less,

You will have two incredible people in your life that are and will be doing everything for you,

You may grow to hate, you will grow to love, listen well and listen close,

We're going to have so much fun, you will be so supported and cared about,

Much more than me and you're mother ever were, we are always here,

We love you little one, we love you squishy, we love you bumpy,

As much as you are expected, you also expect us,

We love you bump, we'll do all that's in our power,

Warmth, Food, Drink, Clothes and a roof await you,
you will be protected against the odds and scary,

Be safe, be careful, shine like a star that you are, love hard, be stronger, be healthy,

Laugh like hell and give the world a heaven and give the bad a hell.

We love you and can't wait to see you

Love DAD & MAM!

Due Date Bump
17th August 2020
We knew you oh so briefly,
We love you so very deeply,
We carry you with us forever,
We adore you for all of life,
We will remember and love you for the rest of our lives,
Every second we carried you was breathtaking,
Mammy was jittery, Daddy was ball of excitement,
The sun shines for you today,
The rain pours for us as we miss your due time,
Rainbows will light the dark cloud we are under,
You will guide us and help us to the right way,
You will always be here,
And so will we,
Baby Jones,
We love you, We see you, We remember you, We love you

Today Is Your Day

Today is the day you should have showed your face to the world,
Today is the day where your first cry would have been heard,
Today is the day where it would have marked the start of many days for years to come,
Today is the day, i would have held you close and called your name, little one,
Today is the day where mam would have been in pain and tears but happy to welcome you to the world,
Today is the day you would have taken your first breaths and ate your first meal,
Today should have been the day we take you home in our arms,
Today is the day in which we mourn your departure,
Today is the day we honour your memory and think of you more than ever,
Today is the day we send our love, give our thanks, and pray to you,
Today is the day where it's raining but there's a rainbow too,
Today is the day where the rainbow is shining, sparkling, bright just like you,
Today is the day we look up towards the stars and see a bright spark marking where you are,
Today would have been yours to hold, Today should have been ours,
Today is your day. 

https://visufund.com/miscarriage-association-lights-of-love-tree/?o=B97

We also lost another baby in September 2021 

(during this time I had covid so my gf had to go through it on her own as I had to isolate for 14 days), 

We called them Bub and they would have been born 20/4/22. 

This post is for them. 

Random Ramblin 41 - Worst Year Ever & An Apology

Without any shadow of doubts this year has been the worst ever for myself.

A lot has happened and lockdown has made things so much worse and harder than ever before and its having such a heavy toll. 

I feel like my anger has just been so blinding this year same with my sadness. 

Grief has had a big ugly card at play in a lot of this and the fallout created and spawned from said grief is so traumatic that its very complicated and problematic.

Back to anger and it's been so overbearing and so quick to rise up from many factors of the world of course. I probably am suffering from some depression too I've you know said to people i want to see a dr for meds and I've said to others that it's a real struggle to keep going on every day. 

You know, it's bloody hard it really is. Not to toot horns but this one has been specially tough for me. Going into lockdown i lost my nan and damn this still hurts and makes me cry now even as i type this here, i did not expect that. Before going into lockdown another loss was had at the start of the year and fights were had and so life was tough and sad and painful and times got tough and anger and depression and grief were all there present. 

It was just a month ago i was giving the downlo on the intel i had for you from me or the lockdown. 

Times still tough and still going through a lot of shit.

All i have ever wanted is peace, love and happiness. I apologise to those reading this who i have hurt or offended in anyway. 

I am a human being and i make mistakes and i fuck a lot up unintentionally too. 

I never mean to ever hurt anyone, i truly am a gentleman and a good soul and i don't say this if i did not mean it. 

I have pushed many good people away because of my problems i know this and to them i am sorry. I never mean to be the problematic one or to shoe off all my sorrows onto anyone else so they could carry the weight or anything i just wanted to be listened to and to have had a push of help in the right direction. 

I struggle to fully cope well with the pressure of my emotions i know this and some are stronger and more powerful than others inside me. 

I got a lot of work ahead of me and yes it is a bit scary and overwhelming but the path to redemption is often rocky and uncomfortable. 

Just let's all be safe and keep well and start shining.

Stay Shiny!

Random Ramblin's 40 - WHAT?! CORONA LOCKDOWN!

Hi there, you join me in the comfort of a dark room, sipping upon blue wkd with some synthwave instrumental music on in the background. Comforting right? Oh yes i agree. Anyway it has been a while since i did a RR but here we are back again! 

There's been a lot to write about but i have expressed my worries, rants, concerns and feelings into my gorgeous girlfriend instead, so i aswell as she could take a load off our heads and just get back to feeling good and moving in a rhythm. BUT lately this year, well hey, we are at the end of April and for me this year has been............TERRIBLE! 

It's a shocking, upsetting, depressing, year and my mental health has fluctuated a whole lot! 

I won't go into everything that has happened this year but; I have lost my nan, lost someone else close, had arguments, we are in a world emergency crisis and locked-down so unable to see my woman or any of my loved ones or friends, I've had toxic people try to control me and my mrs and one tried to use us as scape goats and that my dear readers is not what a friend is or does, regardless of history with said person you do not do that to a friend or anyone ever!

So yeah this lockdown has come to be and it's added more stresses and more cracks are being unearthed in my foundations of mental stability. I am cracking under all that i have gone through this year, i am cracking up under all this lockdown and quarantine nonsense, i'm cracking, i am breaking.

Each time i think or say it cannot possibly get any worse, it does something happens and makes me breakdown uncontrollably and cry or feel angry or frustrated. The most dangerous thing right now in all this lock-down is being locked inside our minds with the negative thoughts.

We all need to take care and go gentle on ourselves!

I am a grown ass man and i have my feelings and i am very much in tone with those feelings i am a highly sensitive person and i am not ashamed to admit that i feel things and that i cry. I recently for the first time in my life cried in my shower that's how broken things are for me at this moment in time as i type all this out loud, as i cry again from my head being such a horrible force to go against me, it feels as if its trying to ruin things trying to make me not have nice things to sabotage my own happiness like.

It's fucking insane! 

It's insane to feel so broken in yourself too. It's crazy to feel insecure about yourself but also so highly emotional and to be a person with such strong empathy like myself its bloody hard too. It's hard when you feel so much that you care so much about every single little thing and how you must want everything to run perfect and smoothly too but it does not so you make back ups and back ups of back ups and so many back ups that you are backed up of back ups.

Got no work, can't see my mrs, family or friends, I can't really go anywhere and do anything because it's only shopping or exercise locally or face a fine or possible jail time in this crisis.

Only thing good about the Corona-apocalypse is the memes.
People need to stop hoarding items mind you and stop lighting grass fires and stop fly tipping!

I am living with so much trauma and grief right now. 

I hope you are doing better than me.

I will be bright as a diamond again soon!

Remember to stay shiny! 

Better days are coming!