Late Night Ramblin's Vol10 - The Friend Crisis

 So it's currently the 20th October, it's late, and I am wide awake. Something is bothering me..... I did have a mini rant on my closed friend Instagram stories and the rant was basically about one of my friends and how it feels like he is neglecting his true friends and how no matter his down-and-out state he never seems to listen to advice or take any help and continues to just thrive around in his muddy mind. 

Read the next few images to get what was on my mind and how I have been feeling lately....if my friend is reading this just know this is just out of love and care and frustration, I want what is best for you, and obviously I don't want to feel like i have been replaced or discarded, and I don't want excuses from you, I want the truth and just want to help you. I may regret saying all this or posting this, and I am sorry just, i needed to get this off my chest and mind because it was suffocating me. 

So yeah, am I right in what I say and been feeling? Or am I just going insane and being delusional or jealous or whatever else. I think it's just my caring nature and wanting better for my friend. I have seen him through these situations many times, but this time seems to be the worst of them all. Anyway, It's been a crappy week for me just some stuff going on, I'll be fine soon, and I got Electric Callboy LIVE soon, so I am hyper hyper for that haha. 

I'm Sick Of It All

I'm sick of losing my motivation, I'm sick of losing my inspiration, I'm sick of being told what to do, I'm sick of being told I'm not good enough, I'm sick of people making assumptions based on my weight or words I say at interviews today.

I try and try and try my hardest to learn about companies before I apply and prune my CV to make sure I fit the criteria, if I didn't then why would I have applied? I am sick of being overlooked, you sit there silently listening to all my nervous thoughts and words knowing that within the first 2 seconds you have already deemed me not for you because I'm tall and fat and because you won't hire me because I'm older than the other applicants. Yes, you will pay me more, but you get experience, punctuality, dedication and hard work. Some of these youngsters you companies go out and hire quit after a week or cause you headaches because you got to pour so much training and development into them, when someone who has experience takes less time. It's cruel, and you all think you are smart by not publicly saying the issues you have with me, but I know the issues are deeper down than just "oh we had too many applications at this time" or the other usual copy and paste bullshit "you did not match the criteria at this time please try again in another 6 months". They say they will explain more on why you were unsuccessful, but they never reply, these crafty fuckers couldn't even look me in the eyes during an interview, so why would they even give me some Constructive feedback? It's not in their interests or fake smiling kind hearts. Lies and bullshit over and over rinse and repeat the process. 

If I miss your call please leave me a message at the tone and let me know your number, and when is the best time to call you back? I'm sick of people calling me when I'm driving or in work and then not leaving a number or message on who it is and what the call is regarding. Not everyone is a mind reader and not everyone is able to answer the phone 24/7!

How's a man supposed to live with £100 a week? This shit is worse than the job centre but to be fair the shit I do is more satisfying than what the job centre would have me do. Plus if you don't lie down and be a good dog the government run job centre will punish you and stop paying you for months because of their stupid little beliefs. If a dog stands up they piss themselves and call over Roider Roger on security to take you down for a beating and then the job centre "advisor" will piss upon your damaged soul and announce that your payments have been put on hold. They then pawn you off to be on the phone for 12 hours on hold listening to William overtell on repeat while they then answer with no sympathy to tell you that your claim will be talked about during a civil meeting, but it's never civil, nothing job centre wise is, it's just "sit here and listen and obey us you filthy mutt because we are in the right, and you are wrong!" Thanks, Shelly, you have been a most helpful cunt, you have actually helped me find the clitoris because you are one massive walking talking one.

You slave and slave 6/8/12/15 hours a day of your life to someone and swear loyalty and break your ass and your jaw being paid minimum, but everyone can see that you do so much more. The people you serve will laugh and smile and say "oh I bet the perks are nice" no they are mediocre at best, I just want money and hours not pain and 15% off. They will all boast and say "our team is the best" taking all the credit and double the money the team should make. You got other managers saying "hey team we are going to reward your handwork" and you get excited and wait on bated breath, only to be told "we got 3 medium pizzas for all the team, for your efforts" Gee thanks I can pay off my bills now that I have had a slice of Ham & Cheese Za.

You could be having a good day when Karen and Kyle and their group of runaway bandits walk in and terrorize the place and all the staff members. Karen will demand to see the manager when she does not get things her way and Kyle will threaten to hit you and throw his drink or food all over the floor while he pickpockets items in the queue. Karen the only manager you will be seeing is black eye mcgee lovely. Kyle stop being a melt ya filthy Carrot and take away your foster home for imaginary kids outta here before they go up for adoption.

Do this and do that, cheers Robyn I already am if you would kindly open your eyes and see, you Brussel sprout. "You should be out of the house by now and in your own home with your own family by this age" Cheers Daaaad, but the government has made that dream an IMPOSSIBILITY!

The government needs to fuck up. They are again culling old and vulnerable people and families of all ages because they allow the greed of companies to succeed because they get a cut, so their pockets are lined up, and they can now buy a new home from money they stole. These filthy greedy wanking gas and energy companies are all laughing and smugly shouting out to the world that "we have to make killer profits!" yeah you have by killing and robbing people, and now you are laughing and proudly yelling about it, go get fucked in the ass and jump off a bridge into the hardest fucking rocks on Earth.

"Wah waah this actor said something that's not nice" Learn to take a joke and note how times have changed and how so can people you stupid vegetable. John Wayne has been dead for 50 years grow up and leave him and his remaining family alone.

I can be a determined machine when all my gears are lined up and going physically and mentally, but if I'm tired or hurt I slip up, and it takes time to get those gears turning again which halts my breakthroughs and progress, and it's a shame, and I am sick of it happening.

I'm sick of people not understanding. All I want is support and be understood, and a hug does not harm either. Give me a chance. Help me out. Give me tips, show me a better way to get a new job, to not be nervous for interviews. I'm overdue my break. Please.

Random Ramblin's 44 - The One With The 400TH Blog Post

What the heck do you mean this is my 400TH BLOG POST!!?!?!?

WOWE!!!!  Don't know how to respond to that news and it cause me hecking concern haha.

So I have been quiet here for a little while just wondering what to post, what to say because this is my 400th post and again It's crazy to see that and how far along this blog has come. 

(Some content here in this post may be upsetting and may cause triggers to some.)

Let's get a life update and ramble for a while randomly down the woods of my mysterious mind. 

So 6th March as you have read or seen, I had my first covid 19 vaccine. It knocked me off my feet with the side effects of the Zeneca first dose but I recovered fine 4 days after my jab. 

A question I get a lot is "Scott why did you dye your hair green?" the answer is simple, it's what I fancied, I wanted to dye my colour and I like green and so there we go. I will have red in my hair next but when that will happen well who knows. Also if you are new to my blog, hey I'm Scott aka 1stmetalgod as it is known on my youtube or twitter or even here on my blog which as you see it is titled 1stmetalBLOG. 

My Top 10 list's have made a come back and I look forward to doing more but I am in need of suggestions so please do send them my way via comments, fb, twitter just tag me @1stmetalgod.

Last year I did a charity awareness post and again this year I wish to do another one like it near the end of the year. 

I also last year wrote a lot of songs and poems and these are pure raw emotions I have expressed feeling through the power of the written word. These are just captures of emotions stuck in time when I look back at them and last year I went through so many complex emotions and the grief I have been suffering through the past year has been so rough and even now to this day I am still processing them and I am trying to do so in good and healthy ways but you know you can't be prepared for it all the time because it can hit you from nowhere and from everywhere some days. 

I lost 3 people last year and that has been some of the hardest shit I have ever had to go through and this pandemic and lack of seeing friends and family and loved ones and so much more has been so detrimental to my mental health so I have said and done stupid thing's and been depressed and quick to anger and sorrow and more and I've gone about things unhealthy and healthily. I've argued and fallen out and gotten back together with some very important people in my life during this crazy pandemic. It's all a learning curve for sure but as long as there's a support system, self care and self support and some sort of freedom within the world and ability to go places and see people it's a whole lotta good to have and to bring you back into balance and finding a balance whilst surviving a pandemic and coping with the changes and grief and the loss of so many things is and has been the hardest thing I have ever had to learn and adapt to and with. 

Keep in mind I have had to learn to walk, talk, write and to survive through epileptic seizures, broken bones and a car going into the back of my car during a driving lesson like almost 10 years ago not but I was diagnosed with whiplash from that. So I have overcome a lot and no doubt I will be overcoming more as we gaze into the crystal ball of life looking further into the unknown. 

Brings me to another point on my mind. My family will never see me, the spiritual and mental embodiment me now like they see me physically but you know I can't help but to feel they don't get that I like to be busy and doing something always, I'm not always laid back as I show around them and I am always thinking and wanting to be on the move and doing something like. It just urks me to be laughed at and ridiculed by my family and I'm sick of being told what I should do and stuff just leave me be and let me deal and figure things out and if I need advice I will ask for said guidance because I don't want to do shit or listen to what they have to think and want to enforce on me because that kinda thing makes me not want to do shit more. So I wish they would be happy for me when I am happy about something rather than drag me down because they may be in a shitty mood it really feels like the carpet is being pulled from under me. I just want respect and support and to not feel like a child and patience I would also like from others. 

I recently completed a few online courses. Child & Adolescent Mental Health, First Aid and Parapsychology Diploma. So I am now entitled to use these next to my name O.A. Dip (Parapsychology) as per instructions on the certificate of the diploma. I will hope to be educating myself more on things I am interested in and there's a career path I do wish to give a try and that's to become a support worker so I will be putting energy into finding out more about that kind of work and how I could become one, down the road here of life but for now I'm just learning new skills and gaining new qualifications for my own personal interest and development. 

Since January I have lost 3 and a half stone. I have had an injury in February placing me to rest for a little while and as of writing I feel well in my ankle and leg since pulling a ligament and bruising and having a small fracture in my pinky toe. I have been walking every single day before my injury and after my injury i have done little walks now and again and the last walk I did was a 5 mile walk and I am so easily prone to blisters and god have I suffered some nasty ones. I may have taken a slow detour but I am not going over board in comfort eating and other bad habit's I have had and have carried with me for all these 25 plus years. 

I feel like this past year and even the year before that I have been discovering a lot about myself and I am thankful for this and these discoveries even when times have been tough and I have thought about doing the utmost worse things to myself to take myself out of the life equation and this is sad but true. I was at a point in my life where nothing seemed to be going well and everything seemed dark and heated with others and loss of so many people and things all at once and living each day the exact same just was having me so hollow and dark and depressed and alone, it truly was a horrible thing to experience and go through. I was drinking a lot more than I ever have in my darkest clouds and taking more pain killers and in the darkest times I thought and even said out loud to people closest to me about having had enough and that a rope or more pain killers than usual are sounding like the best bet for me but listen to me now, I did not do or attempt any of that I merely imagined dark scenarios and thoughts and my friends here reading this, I urge you now if you ever felt or feel like this to talk to someone you trust about it all and please get the help and help youself out of it aswell, it's not nice and not easy to do but please it's better than taking your own life. These thought's and dark bout I had came from last year and not from the recent injury I must say to be clear. 

Point of a lot of this I am making is that, I am just still discovering myself right now and there's a lot of internal and external work I need or would like to do for myself just it will all take time and It won't come overnight and that I am ramblin' now but even through the darkest day's, this guy and the fire inside him will burn, always. 

So that will conclude my life update at this moment in time as of writing. Anything could happen at anytime and as ever I hope you are having a nice day and staying well and safe mentally and physically. I hope you enjoyed reading this, it was a lot of personal insight to myself and it's not always easy to blog or talk about openly or so publicly so to speak as my blog is of public nature. Probably the next life update of any kind I will give is when the pandemic is over or something else, who really knows we will just wait and see but I am certain for before then that I will be posting other interesting things here on my blog. 

So for now and for always, thanks for reading and supporting me and stay shiny!

Random Ramblin's 40 - Are You Watching Facebook Man!?

Hello everyone, back so soon? I know what's going on?
THIS IS MY 300TH POST!

Life

Been having car problems after problems after problems so annoying and frustrating, how is it possible to live life without any stresses or worries when cars keep haemorrhaging money out of me. 

Besides car worries and the rant just below this, it's not all been all gloomy in my recent times. I went away with the Mrs to Quay West and we had a lush time, I highly recommend everyone go to Quay West and Ceredigion and Aberaeron also. 

I went with the Mrs to watch NXT UK Live in Cardiff, we went to the takeover live ppv show and the Sunday tv tapings and we thoroughly enjoyed. It was so amazing, sure Sunday was longer and it was so uncomfortable seating wise compared to the night before. Saturday we was on top in the middle of the tiered seating which gave us a fantastic view and we was comfy and it was so great. Sunday we sat 10 rows from the ring which was amazing too but the seats were so cramped and uncomfy it did my head in and has messed up my knee as it still hurts now. All in all we enjoyed so much we can't wait to do it again if they come back to Cardiff. The crowd was amazing and the chants were epic! P.s. The title of this post was a chant.

I recently also won a massive teddy from a local arcade and honestly it's huge it's bloody 6ft for christ sake haha. I gave it to my Mrs and it was bloody insane everyone was looking at me and they looked so amazed and jealous haha. It was stuck in a machine where you hold a button and release when the scissors gets to the string holding the bear and you release and it cuts it and it took me 2 goes which is £3 as it was £1 a go so three goes and i had it. I told her i'm gonna win that! I did! Call me Arcade King!

MUSIC

Taylor's new album is out and i like a few songs, such as; Lover, Me!, Paper Rings, I forgot that you existed, Cornelia St and Cruel Summer.

Slipknot's new album is out too and from this new album We Are Not Your Kind i love the following songs; Unsainted, Birth Of The Cruel, Nero Forte, Spiders, Critical Darling, Solway Faith, Red Flag and Orphan.

TOOL ARE BACK!
(I've not listened to their album Fear Inoculum as of writing)

A note on music: Music, it's starts with a sound, add in some repetition and the brain will think it's a song or it will mold it into a song so to speak. Music is amazing it can help people relearn how to speak, help people with movement disabilities move more, music can act like a drug aswell and has a deep connection to our feelings. Music itself is culturally universal and as far as we are aware other primates don't really get the same feeling of beats like we do it's been said. All music starts as air before we hear it, repeated sound creates rhythm, it all goes in through our ear processed via our brains and that is where we make it out and develop a love or a dislike to music and some music in general really. Back in 2009 scientists and the world discovered an animal that would move along to the music in time even when the track was sped up or down and more animals have been discovered to be able to do this since that wonderful Cockatoo named Snowball almost ten years ago. Ronin a sea lion in California is the first non human mammal confirmed to really get grooving with Earth Wind and Fire in a Boogie Wonderland. When sounds repeat fast enough we hear it as a pitch and multiple pitches create harmony. Octaves are pitches with double or half the frequency of another. Major scale is associated with happy feelings and minor meaning the opposite but of course this is not universal because someone in another country could experience the opposite where the minor is happy and major is sad.

Games
I want to play Gears 5 and Man Of Medan. Fortnite is going mental but i am not playing it so much now a days. Been playing Lego Undercover at the moment, it's alright like. Restarted Animal Crossing New Leaf as things fucked up so i can't wait to get back into that. 

"Do you think a chair ever wants to sit on a person?"

Thanks for reading, stay tuned for more lists and other bits here on my blog! 

STAY SHINY!

Late Night Ramblin's Vol 5: The Problematic Mind

It's 4:35am as of writing on the 23/8/18. I won't bother editing this, i will make mistakes grammatically i know but who care's im sure you will understand me and if you want me to correct it, tell me because right now i am tired and full of worry. 

I have problems........

There I said it. I have money, car, long sighted, mathematical, grammatical, social, sleeping, thinking, you name it i have problems. We all do!

At the moment i seem to be bleeding money from my car problems which in turn is making my money go down which causes money problems which causes stress, depression, just overall emotional and personal problems for me. 

How do i escape this? 

Work more? I work what i am given, occasionally if i have no plans and time i will cover. I have applied for more work elsewhere, part time, full time, temp, apprenticeships you name it. Any one got back to me with anything? Nope just decline after decline after decline. When all i want in life is victory after victory after victory after victory just like EC3. 

Why not get paid to write? 

If someone can point me in the right direction i am more than happy to do it. 

Eat less and exercise more?

Valid points but i dont want to starve myself and exercising is hard my mentality is not set to do it, i need to be on that autodrive and motivated and inspired but my brain most of the time is not but when it is, it's like a feeling an emotion a drive to do it but mainly i need someone with me i dont like going to the gym alone and i know i did it alone for a while a few months back but of course like i explained before i became sick, had more work on and less time to do it so i dropped it and ended up losing my gym card which put me behind so much more so i could not go to the gym with out my card i know so annoying. 

Cut out non essentials and sell things you no longer have need for?

Very valid points of course i am making my way onto that. 

Is Karma my problem?

The very problem with problems is the fact they never come alone, they come in clusters of them. When you find one there's another and another but oh look over there, yep its another and sometimes dealing with them can sprout more too! Never ending vicious cycle it seems. That's life as Sinatra would say, but why do we have to suffer them? I've heard it all before problems make a man. I need the nonjudgmental, the helpful, the caring, the lovable people in my life to come forward, help me. I'm struggling. My worries are getting too much. I think of only the worse. If this is a way of Karma well what have i done? Sure i have said nasty things in the past and done some as a kid for sure everyone has kids feel no consequences to their actions or words is all and if its because of that why karma chooses to hit at me so hard then come on just go wild karma or better yet stop and restore all karma. 

I complain and talk about the negatives of myself and life so much i know and i can only offer my apologies there. What else am i to do?

Happy Brain, Happy Life! 

This is what i need to achieve, i need that peace of mind, where i am not a panicky pete or worry hound dog 24/7 im not really living doing this, i need help motivation advice anything i can get to push me into the right direction! 

If anyone can help me out with links to motivate me to do things or stories or advice tips etc do let me know! 

If you feel the same as me and going through the motions just like me, don't worry you are not alone!