Pulling Yourself Out Of A Pit

It's not easy. It's tough. Once you fall into the pit, you feel weak and helpless. All you try and do feels useless. You wake up after a broken sleep, in disrepair and despair from awful dreams. Negative voices and faces come and speak. Filling your head with ill will and unpleasantry.

Those voices tell me; "You are no good for anyone. You are not good enough. You are not fit enough. No one loves you and you are not worth the time and ever feeling love. You are the cause of all the bad. Everything bad in your life is your fault."

The theme of which the voices and past shadow people present is that the abusive language and actions of them is because of my existence, because you I am fat, different, broken and too good in a world full of hate and ugliness and that I should blame myself for their actions against me.

When you get into that pit, when your mind drags you down because things are too good or because too many things are staring down your neck. Just remember to be present and to breathe. It's scary, it's worrying and stressful, let alone frustrating. You always have two options you can let the nastiness play and replay over and over and let it roll you down the hill and into a pit, or you can let it play and roll down a hill and step over it allowing the voices to go into a pit by themselves. Alternatively you can scale that hill and capture those thoughts and feelings of negativity and hold them and continue to scale up the hill and use the negativity as fuel, as a power source to get the hell up and to prove them wrong!

No one said it's easy or that Scotty J would have an easy life. Scotty J would lead a difficult life because he was born into the world with a broken leg and then Scotty J developed Epilepsy from a side effect of an injection. Scotty J spent a lot of his childhood in hospitals and being unable to remember a lot of moments and times and it's not his fault, just the circumstances were unfortunate. Despite the circumstances Scotty J prevailed and continues to live on each and every day. It's not been easy to keep going on despite health issues, family passings, betrayals and heart breaks, but he keeps on going strong. A lot of the traumas of life have been locked away and forgotten about but things get triggered as bad dreams arise and the vault is left ajar, ready for keywords or moments to make the tortured souls near and not far.

Confidence isn't my strong point for it comes and goes in different levels of strength. I overthink and I worry and I Google anything wrong and Catastrophize the worse scenarios. I've pulled myself up out of deeper pits before. I've pulled myself out of pits like this before. It's going to be okay. Tough times don't last but good guys do.

Fuel your fire to beat the pits desire.

Late Night Ramblin's: Vol 11 - Reflecting On My Use Of Social Media

I started getting onto social media back in 2009. Facebook, Youtube, Bebo, MSN Messenger were the first of those sites. Later came Instagram, Facebook, Twitch, TikTok and maybe some others that I no longer remember haha.

When I joined Facebook for a few years, I was addicted and took it as a competition to how many friends you have and would add random people who had similar interests or who had good convos with online in the comments section and yes some of them I still talk to today. Others are long gone and dust in the wind, to many there was nothing evil behind the nature of why I stopped talking or removed them from my Facebook account. Over time, I grew to realize I should not be so open and trusting of strangers and also just keep to people who actually know me and I see or talk to often or who I actually like. Instagram had the same treatment when I joined that site, I'd let anyone follow me and grow my followers, I did have 300 followers, but then I realized not many were liking my stuff or seeing my posts and some become inactive accounts, so I had to clear a lot of that out. There has been one person I did not want to unfollow or remove as a friend, and she did nothing wrong, but in the pandemic I was in a bad mentality of believing no one liked me or cared about me, and I was not hearing off some people or seeing them, and so they were removed for that reason. No one also tells you how addicting it can be to get likes, but over time I have cared less about that whole thing. My social media now is just keep in touch with friends and family and keep highlights and photos for memories. I have been a fool as I have grown up with social media and yes absolutely posted cringe photos and posts and rants. 

When I joined Twitter aka X, It was literally to talk to celebs, wrestlers, bands because that website launched and everyone was saying how "All the celebs are really on there and use that" and It's always a rush when a famous face likes or retweets or replies to you in any way shape or form. I never expect it and screenshot and keep record of those moments because it is just an unexpected rush of happiness. I have been a dumbass on Twitter too and posted cringe and argued over silly and stupid things because I was a stupid teenager. These days I just use Twitter to talk to my friends I made there in America who only use Twitter.

YouTube, I cared about getting views but never had the funds to get better equipment and to get the better views and quality content from gaming. When I finally had a capture card system for my XBOX 360 it was something I could not set up and any help I had well no one could get it to work with my laptop and Xbox, it was weird and a shame it did not work out. Yes these days I do still do YOUTUBE, but I rarely post and the videos are just for my friends and for memory's sake at this point as I capture our dumb and funny moments gaming and any glitches haha. 

TikTok I joined in Pandemic as I was sick of friends sending me stuff and then had to click to try and watch on the app and download the app, and eventually I made one and made some TikToks that I thought be fun to do or chime in on and yeah I ain't posted on there in months. YouTube and TikTok have given me plenty of warnings and content removals, and that does dampen the fun and experience of those sites.

Twitch, I only use twitch to talk to friends and watch their stuff now and again, I don't make content there at all. Msn, Skype & Bebo I used early on in my social life and those sites have been dead for years. Just used to talk to friends on there and that was it. Discord is another I delete and got back a few times because of friends. I mainly use Discord to talk to one of my English friends there, as he hates social media and is not on any now. Snapchat I use every day, mostly talking to my pretty lady or my friends or old friends from work. Whatsapp, I only use for work, nothing else.

So yes, in closing, my use of social media has dwindled down over the years, and now they are treated as conversation points and highlight reels. It is crazy to look back at it all and think in the last 20 years of how much has changed, yes it's not quite 20 years yet, but it's close. Youtube was so good before Google took over. Facebook had games, and now it's trying to be its own cyberverse thing being dubbed Meta and of course Facebook owns more than just Facebook now.

Whats Wrong?

What do I have to do? No, what do I need to do? To get noticed to get seen, to make more money, to be more bling. I need more views, I need more subs, girl if you see my content say what's up? Follow me on all the socials you know I can make you swallow. I swallow my pride and cast my ego aside to take in more eyes, so I may gain the follow train. I've been up and down and all around, I've been heavy, and I've been weightless, you don't know how much I need this. I need change, I need to go, give me some dough and watch the viewers roll, see how they roll around on the floor, from laughter with tears streaming and the fools crying please give me more. Well I'll give you all I got, it's me I'm a god-damn comedian tree with the water source coming from my friends and family. You don't know how underrated my socials can be, so please come see and become one with peak. Like, follow and subscribe for more from the one who knows the score, he's the bfg, the 1MG it's scotty J at the scene, ready to take the W and make the community clean. So before you go, you should know, I have been grafting at life and entertainment for almost 30 years, and it's not easy, it's been tough but with your help and some luck, it will all be enough.

Random Ramblin 41 - Worst Year Ever & An Apology

Without any shadow of doubts this year has been the worst ever for myself.

A lot has happened and lockdown has made things so much worse and harder than ever before and its having such a heavy toll. 

I feel like my anger has just been so blinding this year same with my sadness. 

Grief has had a big ugly card at play in a lot of this and the fallout created and spawned from said grief is so traumatic that its very complicated and problematic.

Back to anger and it's been so overbearing and so quick to rise up from many factors of the world of course. I probably am suffering from some depression too I've you know said to people i want to see a dr for meds and I've said to others that it's a real struggle to keep going on every day. 

You know, it's bloody hard it really is. Not to toot horns but this one has been specially tough for me. Going into lockdown i lost my nan and damn this still hurts and makes me cry now even as i type this here, i did not expect that. Before going into lockdown another loss was had at the start of the year and fights were had and so life was tough and sad and painful and times got tough and anger and depression and grief were all there present. 

It was just a month ago i was giving the downlo on the intel i had for you from me or the lockdown. 

Times still tough and still going through a lot of shit.

All i have ever wanted is peace, love and happiness. I apologise to those reading this who i have hurt or offended in anyway. 

I am a human being and i make mistakes and i fuck a lot up unintentionally too. 

I never mean to ever hurt anyone, i truly am a gentleman and a good soul and i don't say this if i did not mean it. 

I have pushed many good people away because of my problems i know this and to them i am sorry. I never mean to be the problematic one or to shoe off all my sorrows onto anyone else so they could carry the weight or anything i just wanted to be listened to and to have had a push of help in the right direction. 

I struggle to fully cope well with the pressure of my emotions i know this and some are stronger and more powerful than others inside me. 

I got a lot of work ahead of me and yes it is a bit scary and overwhelming but the path to redemption is often rocky and uncomfortable. 

Just let's all be safe and keep well and start shining.

Stay Shiny!

What If?

What if?
A phrase could break me?

What if? 

A question could inspire me?

What if?

The answers aren't so simple?

What if?
I'm not good enough?

What if?

I did this or that?

What if?
I cant do it?

What if?

I could do it?

What if?

I could wonder further?

What if?

I slept a full 8 hours?

What if?

They did not pass away?

What if?
I did not take that step forward?

What if?
I die tomorrow?

What if?
This is it?

What if?

We were all free?

What if?

There was no fear?

What if?

I'm doing the best i can?

What if?

I truly am the best in the world?

What if? 

Goodbye is not forever?

What if?

History was different?

What if?

See you later is not to happen?

What if? 

You were here?

What if?

I said this or that?

What if?

What if?

What if?

Action Man: Live Action Dream Casting!

You know for years as a kid i loved and collected Action Man. I collected toys, comics, dvds, videos, books, games and all other memorabilia. Now recently i seen a pic of Henry Cavil and i just was hit with the strong resemblance and memory of Action Man. So i thought i would have a go at casting my own live action AM film. Let me know your thoughts and share it! 

Action Man = Henry Cavill

Just look at this image of him, he is the embodiment of AM. Alex Mann, Action Man's civilian identity, is an extreme sports athlete of Team Xtreme and also works as part of a secret British branch of the military and in MI5 he is known as Action Man. He was adopted by the Exler family. His father was an american rocket scientist and wealthy inventor Dr. Alfred Exler who happens to work with Sir Arthur Strong from the ISD. After the death of his father he was separated and moved with the Mann family in England with a portion of his fathers money. He never seen his Exler family again. As an adult he travelled the world doing extreme sports when one day he was involved in an avalanche which he was found and taken by a mysterious tribe called the Akesh Maharishis living in an remote ashram in the Himalayas and as part of the training he was cut on the left side of his cheek. Journeying there in a final desperate bid for harmony and redemption, he immersed himself for over three years in their intensive regimen of physical conditioning, wilderness survival, mountain climbing, martial arts and ninja-like skills, yoga and meditation. By excelling in these activities, he earned the coveted "A.M." tattoo of the cult. He returned to the Western world with extraordinary mental and physical skills where he helped stop a bomb threat in the london underground which quickly had the MI5 snap him up and recruit him and eventually he worked to gear his own division the Action Force. 

Dr.X = Ben Kingsley

Hard to think of many greats who could play the greatest hero of them all but i think Ben would play the part brilliantly.  Dr. X or Doctor X is a mad scientist who is the arch-enemy of Action Man in its line of toys, introduced in the mid-late 1990s. Despite many changes in appearance, he is easily identified by his mustache, almost-to-totally bald head, and bionic arm and eye (sometimes replaced by an eyepatch). For those wondering, he received his PhD in theoretical physics from University College London in the United Kingdom, having completed his undergraduate and one placement year working as an assistant mad scientist for the NHS. Dr X is a danger to the world and is its most dangerous criminal mastermind. He leaves a trail of death and destruction wherever he goes. During the battles with Action Man, Dr X has constantly been defeated and humiliated. However, the evil scientist never seems to give up and each time he comes back to do battle, he grows stronger. Action Man may think him defeated but Dr X can strike fear and destruction on the world and its people at any time and bring the world to its knees. Who knows he may already be secretly ruling over the parts of the world.

Professor Gangrene = Ed Harris

Ed plays a hell of a villain and i think you need someone as good as Ben to play the supporting villain role with the second in command the ever scheming Prof.Gangrene. Professor Gangrene is a mad scientist who works for Dr X. in most versions he is green-skinned, almost bald and his left eye is bigger than the right one. An interesting thing to note is that he has been shown to be greedy and to have a love for money. A reason for this characteristic could be due to his name and colour scheme - both of which are green (green with envy). He has also been potrayed as unloyal to Dr X and is usually motivated by his own goals and agenda.

Maxx = Jackie Earle Haley

You need someone tough and intense to play this role so i pick Jackie for this. Majorly you get to see a street punk fighter look and a bandaged up face of Maxx and you can only see his eyes and i think Jackie is tough, intense and can play along just with his intense stares. Maxx also known as the man with no name, X, Spike, Freak Face and the Purple Menace is a henchman and a street gang leader and enforcer. He can easily be recognised by his bandaged face and spiky hair. The origin how he got his disfigurement is that one of Gangrenes experiments blew up in his face. He is usually portrayed as a tough but not too bright lead henchman of Dr Xs forces.

Director = Michael Bay - Who else could direct a film with Action in the name?

Written By = Jane Goldman & Matthew Vaughn

What do you think? Good? Bad? 

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THANKS FOR READING!