A Year Has Come To Pass

So it's story time.

It has been a year since my life went flipped turned upside down. Time to look back on everything April 13, 2022 to now.....

13/04/22

My girlfriend left me. Turns out she was seeing someone else, a guy I never liked who I also worked with. She claimed to hate him too, but it's obvious lies. Anyway after the split we agreed to keep in touch and be friends. Honestly, I was so hurt and upset. I was angry too. I wanted to hurt myself or worse, kill myself.

I had so much racing through my head, I immediately called Jared, and we met up I went to his. Hugged his mum and hugged Jared and went home played some games to try and just get some sort of calm to my feelings. All the while I was messaging and chatting to those people who were there for me. My family, Annika (Zin),Layla, Lewis G, Jared, James.

A few days after the break-up I went to Birmingham with my best bro James to see Ghost who are one of my fave bands and also Impera is 2022's best album.

I had unhelpful advice and messages from people also. The bad shit I was told was "go get another girl, have a rebound.", "best way over a relationship is getting with someone else", "oh she was your first it's ok don't worry these things happen.". She was not my first, she was my first adult relationship though. No I'm not a rebound or sleep around guy. This just added to my anger because boy did I feel so much anger.

A few days passed, and I messaged her about getting my things back and was left on read. She seen my message and did not reply.

In that time, I played hooky with my previous employer for a week following the break-up and I went on holiday and I handed in my notice of immediate departure soon as I returned. It was the same day as my departure that I returned my ex's things to her home and seen her dad one last time, whilst I was still left on seen message wise and had not had my things back. A month later I had a bag of my things dropped on my door step and on that same day I went to meet up with some friends and I drove past her as she was sat in her car on the end of my street, I made it look like I had not noticed her of course and went about my day.

I was eating and drinking a lot, especially drinking, I was taking a lot of tabs even with alcohol, I was a mess. It was a lot of emotions and to try and deal with, and I had to hear my inner voice and intrusive thoughts just speak so little of me and tell me I'm the bad guy. I was evil. I was to blame for all the rot and for the disintegration of my relationship of 4 years. She blocked me and during this time and processing of things you know, I'd look up her profile and check to see what she was doing and who she was seeing, and I had sneaky suspicion as to who it was, and I have seen and confirmed it, and it made me angry, I did nothing about it other than blocking the guy. I have seen people who I thought I was friends with and liked me turn on me and support them on their relationship and I seen people I thought of as friends posting "congrats, you never looked so happy", "I'm so happy for you", "you deserve each other." The same people that said the same thing to me when I was with my ex. Instead of hanging out with me and meeting up when we had free time in our schedules they would be supporting them. My enemies. That pissed me off, and it made me weed out the poison in my head's garden, and so I removed those people and added them to my hate filled anger that scathed and burnt away at me and coursed through my veins.

I went unemployed for several months. I landed a new job in a beautiful care home, but I could not stick it out because I was not well and in the right headspace for it, so I left it after a month.

There were some things I also felt I had to come to terms with and bury. I have had a lot of resent and regrets of course and I can't do anything about it. I buried my connection to being a father. Me and the ex had 2 miscarriages. So those feelings, the mindset of being a dad and the mentality I carried along with the memories I have put away, I have buried them in a box in order to cope and to move on with my life. I was a dad. I was a lot of things with my ex and through it all, I ensured I was a good man and a good father. Maybe in future relationships a lot of who I am will not come back up on display for my next partner because of the hurt and suffering I have endured during the 4-year relationship I had previously. I do still want to be an actual father to a physical child though. I've had times where I have not and right now I feel like it is something I want because I have kinda always wanted it, it's like a dream. People tend to dream about these fancy moments or dream jobs and I have always dreamt of having my own wife and kids, and so I want that to happen. I want a good woman. I want a son and a daughter. Furthermore, I am human, and these things make me human.

So to continue back to the events of last year, I dug deep into my savings almost spending every thing I had to just survive until I had a new full time job. I went 4 months without a job. My anger was still there, frustration mixed with it over being unsuccessful with employment and opportunities. My sadness was also there.

I found a new job, one I'm still with to this day and although my first month there was tough and gruelling I did enjoy it as opposed to former employers. Funny thing is, it's opposite my old employers haha and yes I did see my ex 2 times in all the time since then to now. Anyway, my first month on my new job, I injured my back lifting heavy objects, so I had some time off and came back and been OK since.

I have seen Rammstein in Cardiff and it was an insane gig! Also attended WWEs Cardiff Ppv clash at the castle.

You know something silly, I have been anxious a lot about going to the local cinema as myself and the ex worked there. I was anxious because I didn't want to run into her or her now partner, because I feared on what I would do or say out of my emotions. I feared lashing out. Happily enough, I am strong-willed and minded because I kept my cool and did not show I cared when I saw certain people and I ignored some very existence. If you don't have the time of day for me, I don't have it for you either. You are with me or against me.

Since January 2023 I've been getting into a better lifestyle and up to now I have lost 3 and a half stone. It's hard work, but it's worthwhile, same as my job.

It's currently now April 13 2023, I am in a much better mental headspace than I have been in years right now. I don't drink much and last time I drank heavily was New Year's Eve 2022. I'm not financially secure, but I work hard as hell and I get a lot of love and praise for it. From my colleagues, to my bosses to even customers, and I'm proud and happy of it and all the love and appreciation I get for all I do. Of course, I wish I had more hours and money that's my goal to work my way back up in the bank. I also want to lose 5 stone, and I'm over half way there. In spare time I'm looking for work, gaming, writing, socialising with friends, making videos, blogging, watching films, attending shows and gigs, listening to music and working out in the gym. I've had my TikTok and YouTube blow up in views.

So, to summarise life is something else, I have been down many times, but I prevail, and I get back up. I don't think I'd ever gotten back up from last year if it wasn't for my special band of friends and family. Layla, Annika, James, Jared, Chlo, Kayl, Lewy G thank you all for doing your part and then some, I love and appreciate you all. Thank you for saving this man, and thank you for cheering me on when I was struggling to continue on. The world needs more people like you all, and I hope you are reading this. Know that if you have helped me that I thank you and I love you. I always will be in your debt and I always will be there for you all, no matter what.

Thank you to my work family and work friends they have also been so lovely, supportive and welcoming to me. Chlo, Bret, Tom, Brandon, Tracy, Sophie, Eva please know I love you all and I am grateful for you all. I don't even know if you will read this but thank you. 

Now saved the best for last, my dear reader. I want to thank you for following my story and this post and my blog in general. Thank you for any and all the support given to me. Please follow and support me on my social media's and chat with me anytime you wish.

I appreciate you!

Thank you!