Late Night Random Ramblin's Vol13- Am I Being Discriminated?

What a title, catches your eyes right? Well folks in today's story time allow me to rant and get shit off my chest, It's been a long time coming.

So I weigh 30 stone ok, not the best sure but I am also 6ft 3. So I'm not really too out there I'd argue. Yeah when you look at me and my wife there's a stark difference but we love eachother endlessly so yeah mind ya business and stop judging.

Since 2020 COVID, I've been fluctuating with weight going from 25 stone to 32 stone and during that time I was giving blood with the Welsh blood service. Fast forward to 2021 they told me they couldn't take my blood because I had a new growth on my hand which was just a ganglion cyst so they wanted me to do some tests and come back to them with proof that it's not a tumor and anything else scary. So then after numerous tests and a few months later to 2022 they are fine and taking my blood again then 2023 they tell me I can't give blood because I was taking painkillers for a headache. Then later in 2023 I can't give blood again because I said to them a few days ago I was on antibiotics for a chest infection and again they declined me. So then last year they have new settings and I had to declare my weight and height and other things to them for reasons unknown so then they told me because of my weight being 30 stone they cannot put me in their chairs as they have a max weight of 20 stone, yet I have been in their chairs and been more than the recommended amount and they have taken my blood with no problems. It's rediculous and a waste of time, so now if I need to give blood I have to go to hospital in Llantrisant to lay in their hospital beds to do so🙄

Let's now talk about my dentist. So I've gone to my dentist since I had teeth, that's a long time like almost 30 years right? So remember now during COVID I've gone from 25 stone to 30 stone right and I'm at 30 stone again. Last time I seen my dentist prior to end of May was back in January and in January I had a check up as normal for the past 20 years, chair goes back I get glasses and a bib on and get my teeth looked at and done right? Well this past week I've had the worse toothache ever and she didn't know what it was and also asked me about my weight before she did any work and she said due to the chair being only able to hold up to 20 stone that she couldn't help me and she'd have to refer me to someone else for any work I needed now. Which is absolutely fucking stupid and also please know I'm paying this dentist £10 a month....for what!? My fillings have cost me hundreds of pounds per filling and she's given me half my mouth full of them!!! So I went back today a few days after writing the last paragraph to get my review for my tooth pain, basically she didn't even see me or allow me to sit down in her chair and I explained about the pain and how it's lessened since last week, however I've now got mouth ulcers. One is at front of my mouth and the other is on the gum by the problematic tooth. She said "ok I can't do nothing more, your overweight capacity for my new chair so I'll refer you to another dentist and I'll see you when you have lost weight. You can get fat jabs off the drs now so try them and see you when you have lost the weight." 🙄 Fucking joke. I don't want to use jabs because 1: The haven't been fully studied and have dangerous side effects. 2: it feels like I'd have cheated to get the weight off. I rather work it off and stand with pride about that, BUT it is hard to lose weight. I am in a lot of pain and struggle with my feet or knees and everytime I've lost weight it's been hard to keep at it because of my pains or sickness or then because of my hunger is too great. It's fucking hard!

Clothing shops on high streets I can't go to BUT I've finally found one I can shop at! Yours clothing shop in Swansea, it caters to big men with their fabulous downstairs department. That's the first time I've ever gone into a clothes shop and spent over £100 recently. That's crazy!!!!

I can't sleep. I got so many things stressing me out and I just want peace. I want the good old days, no cares, no bills, chilling with gaming and good films. I feel like I can't breathe and it makes me miss some solitude and gaming for long sessions. I'm tired, I'm hurt, I need to get this off my chest, I just need some support. I need some peace also. I just need something else, something more.....something....

Late Night Random Ramblin's Vol 12 - A New Rant

Just because you work at a nursery doesn't give you power and doesn't mean you get everything you want for nothing. My Mrs works in a nursery and doesn't go round shops asking people to take money off items because she works in a nursery. Fuck off Jeff. 

If you are going to stand bone idle in a door way and give a stinking look when I try to pass you, maybe take it as indication to move your stupid brain. 

The price is the price and you won't always have items for fuck all, there will be times I will let you off but for fuck sake mun, you are not skint Dorothy, you are on the dole. 

You can't just take things you need to pay for them so don't give it all mouth Derick, you fucking Mongolian chicken dance. 

There's signs saying no donations don't walk through the back door to give us donations at the til you silly skank. 

I'm sorry but charity cases can't just stroll into the shop and want everything for nothing. Rules are rules and we need to make profits ok Charlotte. 

If I share someone else post more than yours it's because I see theirs more than yours and it doesn't mean I am bullying some random fucking person I've never met before. It's like saying a random bloke in supermarket took the last pot noodle and so that's harassment. Fuck off jive. 

Late Night Ramblin's: Vol 11 - Reflecting On My Use Of Social Media

I started getting onto social media back in 2009. Facebook, Youtube, Bebo, MSN Messenger were the first of those sites. Later came Instagram, Facebook, Twitch, TikTok and maybe some others that I no longer remember haha.

When I joined Facebook for a few years, I was addicted and took it as a competition to how many friends you have and would add random people who had similar interests or who had good convos with online in the comments section and yes some of them I still talk to today. Others are long gone and dust in the wind, to many there was nothing evil behind the nature of why I stopped talking or removed them from my Facebook account. Over time, I grew to realize I should not be so open and trusting of strangers and also just keep to people who actually know me and I see or talk to often or who I actually like. Instagram had the same treatment when I joined that site, I'd let anyone follow me and grow my followers, I did have 300 followers, but then I realized not many were liking my stuff or seeing my posts and some become inactive accounts, so I had to clear a lot of that out. There has been one person I did not want to unfollow or remove as a friend, and she did nothing wrong, but in the pandemic I was in a bad mentality of believing no one liked me or cared about me, and I was not hearing off some people or seeing them, and so they were removed for that reason. No one also tells you how addicting it can be to get likes, but over time I have cared less about that whole thing. My social media now is just keep in touch with friends and family and keep highlights and photos for memories. I have been a fool as I have grown up with social media and yes absolutely posted cringe photos and posts and rants. 

When I joined Twitter aka X, It was literally to talk to celebs, wrestlers, bands because that website launched and everyone was saying how "All the celebs are really on there and use that" and It's always a rush when a famous face likes or retweets or replies to you in any way shape or form. I never expect it and screenshot and keep record of those moments because it is just an unexpected rush of happiness. I have been a dumbass on Twitter too and posted cringe and argued over silly and stupid things because I was a stupid teenager. These days I just use Twitter to talk to my friends I made there in America who only use Twitter.

YouTube, I cared about getting views but never had the funds to get better equipment and to get the better views and quality content from gaming. When I finally had a capture card system for my XBOX 360 it was something I could not set up and any help I had well no one could get it to work with my laptop and Xbox, it was weird and a shame it did not work out. Yes these days I do still do YOUTUBE, but I rarely post and the videos are just for my friends and for memory's sake at this point as I capture our dumb and funny moments gaming and any glitches haha. 

TikTok I joined in Pandemic as I was sick of friends sending me stuff and then had to click to try and watch on the app and download the app, and eventually I made one and made some TikToks that I thought be fun to do or chime in on and yeah I ain't posted on there in months. YouTube and TikTok have given me plenty of warnings and content removals, and that does dampen the fun and experience of those sites.

Twitch, I only use twitch to talk to friends and watch their stuff now and again, I don't make content there at all. Msn, Skype & Bebo I used early on in my social life and those sites have been dead for years. Just used to talk to friends on there and that was it. Discord is another I delete and got back a few times because of friends. I mainly use Discord to talk to one of my English friends there, as he hates social media and is not on any now. Snapchat I use every day, mostly talking to my pretty lady or my friends or old friends from work. Whatsapp, I only use for work, nothing else.

So yes, in closing, my use of social media has dwindled down over the years, and now they are treated as conversation points and highlight reels. It is crazy to look back at it all and think in the last 20 years of how much has changed, yes it's not quite 20 years yet, but it's close. Youtube was so good before Google took over. Facebook had games, and now it's trying to be its own cyberverse thing being dubbed Meta and of course Facebook owns more than just Facebook now.

Late Night Ramblin's Vol10 - The Friend Crisis

 So it's currently the 20th October, it's late, and I am wide awake. Something is bothering me..... I did have a mini rant on my closed friend Instagram stories and the rant was basically about one of my friends and how it feels like he is neglecting his true friends and how no matter his down-and-out state he never seems to listen to advice or take any help and continues to just thrive around in his muddy mind. 

Read the next few images to get what was on my mind and how I have been feeling lately....if my friend is reading this just know this is just out of love and care and frustration, I want what is best for you, and obviously I don't want to feel like i have been replaced or discarded, and I don't want excuses from you, I want the truth and just want to help you. I may regret saying all this or posting this, and I am sorry just, i needed to get this off my chest and mind because it was suffocating me. 

So yeah, am I right in what I say and been feeling? Or am I just going insane and being delusional or jealous or whatever else. I think it's just my caring nature and wanting better for my friend. I have seen him through these situations many times, but this time seems to be the worst of them all. Anyway, It's been a crappy week for me just some stuff going on, I'll be fine soon, and I got Electric Callboy LIVE soon, so I am hyper hyper for that haha. 

Late Night Ramblin's Vol9- Life October 2023

So it's been a while (again)......in my absence however my blog views have somehow increased? 

Thank you! Seriously thanks so much for that, it means a lot.

James Davie is who I have to also thank as he reminds me when I have not done a blog post in a while. Comments like that tend to snap me back to reality and shift my focus, so I am here to write a little bit about what's going on right now. Random Ramblin's? Maybe but this is another life update after all so who knows what I will title this when I am done and of course I'm putting this together through the day and night.

I've been busy with my two jobs as well as content creating and just playing games or watching TV or films you know any sort of media exposure, I have had. I've not felt inspired or motivated because of tiredness mainly to just write some stuff, I've not had ideas. Some reviews I've done on films are short on letterboxd, but it's not to the level of where I want to publish here. I know that doesn't matter or mean much to you reading, but I like my reviews here to have some sort of love and passion.

Job life

Job number 1 - Bartender

I started that job in July 2022, and I've recently resigned from that job. I resigned because the job wasn't fun and worth the stress any more. Furthermore, I wasn't getting the hours, so I had to take another job earlier this year which in turn seemed to have penalized me with management in Job 1. Hours were cut again and if I wasn't able to cover or wanted time off (with enough time given in advance) I'd be met with just general snarky behaviour and arguments. It wasn't good for me. Every time I got to the place I felt miserable. The constant road works and closures don't do me any good either but that's not the fault of the company of course. My friends who I met there were leaving or have left. My fave person there has gone on bereavement leave and I hated to leave without seeing her or welcoming her back, but there's no way I would have been happy with myself to continue being miserable and stressed in a job that doesn't satisfy me. When I handed my notice in and told my new supervisors they were supportive and so lovely. It was a great place to work at I used to look forward to the laughs and the team working together, but there's just selfishness there and no team work and lack of communication admist all my faves aka the good people leaving. I wish them all the best there, they are good people, and it's a nice place to visit, but I can't stay where I'm not happy. That's the truth, and I'm sorry if I have left anyone down or upset in my decision. Of course, I offended my managers there when I said that "it feels good that it's my last shift here.".

To my friends I made who I worked with please stay in touch and know that Chloe,Prim,Josh D, Ash, Caitlin, Bret, Yestyn, Brandon, Rachel, Sarah, Tatiana, Scott and Josh S, I hope you know how much I've loved working with you and if you should ever see this post know that I love you all and respect you all so much, and I can't wait to hang out and see you all again soon.

Job 2 - Customer Service Sales Assistant & Keyholder

So this job in the beginning I found boring, but now I love it and I love all who I work with and the customers. It's getting to be the busy season, so I'm excited and nervous for all the madness that awaits me. I love my co-workers and managers there, and it is local to my home. Besides parking charges there are no cons or complaints I have for the job. I got to focus my attention there and on being better and more knowledgeable of the job and place and products and a bunch of online training and get any and all extra hours I can there to bulk up my pay and experience and that's where my focus is at.

Mental Health

I still get that fake motivation where I want to or feel like I'm going to play some game on my PlayStation, but then I just don't get to do it. Videos I do get to do here or there it just depends on when I feel motivated to do them or when the idea or inspiration hits.

My weight loss has staggered, I'm still keeping the 4 stone I lost earlier this year off me, but it's tough the motivation I once had has staggered again. So it feels like a waiting game for some sort of lightning bolt to hit me to awaken me back to full power where I will do anything and everything haha. I got this hip issue ATM and also this weird wheezy cough so that's fun dealing with.

Dating wise I'm just always at the talking stage, so I guess, I need some help in that department. I've made more friends than I've had dates and the friends I've made are cool and different genders too.

Finished my Christmas shopping, I like to be early in that department.

TV Shows

The One Piece netflix TV show was absolutely lit!

Disney's Star Wars Ashoka show has been great, and it's not finished yet (at time of writing).

Futurama new season on Disney plus has its moments but overall I thought it sucked, unfortunately.

Power Rangers: Cosmic Fury was pretty good, I'd give it a 7/10.

Futhermore

As always I'm on tiktok and YouTube content creating videos besides writing here. You can also follow me and see more short reviews on my letterboxd profile.

@Youtube = 1stmetalgod

@letterboxd = Scotty2Jonesy

@Tiktok = Scotty2Jonesy

Late Night Ramblin's - Vol 7: Rise!

In 2018, I started a series of late night blog's, they were random ramblin's but more serious and about myself and mostly just about what was on my mind late at night, although the series did turn to me trying to motivate myself and keep that going. Well after 6 posts the late night series kinda dipped and stopped and so, now I resume the series!

I'll always be shocked and just in disbelief and react weird or hesitant to someone giving me something or helping me with something when I didn't ask for help. I appreciate it so much, but I'm just not used to that so that's why I will be hesitant. Furthermore, I'm Sorry but thank you🙏🥺

I've been fighting and crawling my entire life. Since I was born broken into the world and since my childhood fighting against a broken leg and against bullying. I've fought and crawled in and out of all sorts of relationships from friends to partners. I've fought and crawled through a lot of grief and a lot of mental health and physical struggles and financial. No matter how many times I've thought or plotted or said I'd take my self out of life, I have not, and I am still here! Keep on going! No matter what!

Weight loss via exercise and lifestyle change is much harder and respected than hospital operations. Pay to win, to lose weight? No. Work hard and scrape and crawl and fight aches and pains and strains and hunger off? Yes. Slim tablets make no sense to me nor does keyhole surgery. Just do intermittent fasting. It's not easy at all but changing your lifestyle to a more disciplined one will cause a lot of positive changes to your mental health, I swear by this. Keep going!

These energy companies being all pompous about their "Record breaking profits" need a reality check. If they are making three times more money than they were 3 years ago then why not pass on to your customers a cut in their energy bills? You've made more profits than you had imagined or planned making, so why not help out your own customers? They are effectively lining their own pockets with their greedy blood soaked hands while so many people suffer and struggle and leave people to die. It's the same with the government. Why are we the people being made to suffer, why can't we all just make a stand against those crooks? At this point, I welcome another Guy Fawkes or Robin Hood with open arms.

The past year I've lost a few friends. It does make me sad when I think back of them. I won't ever know why they stopped messaging or meeting up and hanging out. I am forever grateful to those who have stayed in my life and those who even if I don't see you that they still check in on me. In April last year my life took a nasty shift of which I am still recovering from. Like many people I am struggling to get by financially, but I make enough to make ends meet so to speak. I have a lot of effort and time going into trying to lose weight. I also am applying for a different job, not because I don't like it but because I need more hours and stability. Getting better and better as each day passes but of course there's always things on my mind. I guess, I felt like sharing this here now. So yeah I don't know what to say, but thanks for reading and for continuing to support me.

Late Night Reflection - 3rd Feb 2023

In the past year, I've lost a few friends. It does make me sad when I think back of them. I won't ever know why they stopped messaging or meeting up and hanging out. 

However, I am forever grateful to those who have stayed in my life and those who even if I don't see them, that they still check in on me. 

In April last year my life took a nasty shift of which I am still recovering from.

Like many people I am struggling to get by financially, but I make enough to make ends meet so to speak.

I have a lot of effort and time going into trying to lose weight. I also am applying for a different job, not because I don't like it, but because I need more hours and stability.

Furthermore, I would like to say that I am getting better and better as each day passes, but of course there's always things on my mind.

I guess, I felt like sharing this here now. So yeah I don't know what to say, but thanks for reading and for continuing to support me.

Stay Shiny and see you soon!

A Discouraged Self Note

Applying for a new role means you have tried, its a good thing to show interest.

You have nothing to lose but everything to gain. It's alright. 

It's okay to feel disheartened or disappointed or to have a cry, even if you didn't want to cry in regards to not getting a new role. You tried with a valiant effort.

Another opportunity will come don't sweat it. 

Be proud of your attempt and trust in yourself and your abilities because you are so amazing, so loved and adored and praised by not just your lover but by family and friends too.

Keep busting your ass kid and all good things will follow suit.

Love yourself more and be kinder and patient don't hate or discourage or disappoint yourself and you'll be fine. Take time relax and breathe and think positive. 

Think of your love because she inspires you to be greater, be the man she sees you as. Believe in her who believes in you! 

Remember who you are and what you are capable of. Be strong, believe in the good, believe in you!

This is a note for me, by me. 

Late Night Ramblin's - Vol 6: The Goals!

This is more of a note to myself but if you wish to take some of these in and try them out then by all means make your own list and let me know what you're goals are! 

Be more confident. Stay driven.

Be more active. Remember first 4 months of 2018 how active I was gym Monday, Wednesday, Friday? More of that!

Eat less. It's not a solution to overindulge.

Lose weight. Get this puppy fat off. 

Gain muscle. Come on go full Hulk.

Release new ebooks. Finish old. KEEP WRITING!

Get a deal with a publisher/get paid to write.

Drink less alcohol. It's not a solution or a numbing agent.

Ride a plane. Never been abroad or on a plane.

Rebrand, remimage, redeem.

Gain love. Cliché and class A cheese I know.

Stay in the present. My thoughts are dark and overcumber me at my low points need to get them away and stay in the moment.

Dont be a mat. Stand up don't let them walk over you.

Keep growing that beard. Improve it.

Get a new hair style. Dye it if you have to.

Dont be a dick, don't spam. I have come across as one at times I know but I have to control it.

Someone remind me of this and let's support eachother

written 6am

Late Night Ramblin's Vol 5: The Problematic Mind

It's 4:35am as of writing on the 23/8/18. I won't bother editing this, i will make mistakes grammatically i know but who care's im sure you will understand me and if you want me to correct it, tell me because right now i am tired and full of worry. 

I have problems........

There I said it. I have money, car, long sighted, mathematical, grammatical, social, sleeping, thinking, you name it i have problems. We all do!

At the moment i seem to be bleeding money from my car problems which in turn is making my money go down which causes money problems which causes stress, depression, just overall emotional and personal problems for me. 

How do i escape this? 

Work more? I work what i am given, occasionally if i have no plans and time i will cover. I have applied for more work elsewhere, part time, full time, temp, apprenticeships you name it. Any one got back to me with anything? Nope just decline after decline after decline. When all i want in life is victory after victory after victory after victory just like EC3. 

Why not get paid to write? 

If someone can point me in the right direction i am more than happy to do it. 

Eat less and exercise more?

Valid points but i dont want to starve myself and exercising is hard my mentality is not set to do it, i need to be on that autodrive and motivated and inspired but my brain most of the time is not but when it is, it's like a feeling an emotion a drive to do it but mainly i need someone with me i dont like going to the gym alone and i know i did it alone for a while a few months back but of course like i explained before i became sick, had more work on and less time to do it so i dropped it and ended up losing my gym card which put me behind so much more so i could not go to the gym with out my card i know so annoying. 

Cut out non essentials and sell things you no longer have need for?

Very valid points of course i am making my way onto that. 

Is Karma my problem?

The very problem with problems is the fact they never come alone, they come in clusters of them. When you find one there's another and another but oh look over there, yep its another and sometimes dealing with them can sprout more too! Never ending vicious cycle it seems. That's life as Sinatra would say, but why do we have to suffer them? I've heard it all before problems make a man. I need the nonjudgmental, the helpful, the caring, the lovable people in my life to come forward, help me. I'm struggling. My worries are getting too much. I think of only the worse. If this is a way of Karma well what have i done? Sure i have said nasty things in the past and done some as a kid for sure everyone has kids feel no consequences to their actions or words is all and if its because of that why karma chooses to hit at me so hard then come on just go wild karma or better yet stop and restore all karma. 

I complain and talk about the negatives of myself and life so much i know and i can only offer my apologies there. What else am i to do?

Happy Brain, Happy Life! 

This is what i need to achieve, i need that peace of mind, where i am not a panicky pete or worry hound dog 24/7 im not really living doing this, i need help motivation advice anything i can get to push me into the right direction! 

If anyone can help me out with links to motivate me to do things or stories or advice tips etc do let me know! 

If you feel the same as me and going through the motions just like me, don't worry you are not alone!

Late Night Ramblin's Vol 4: Fitness Bug Come Back!

Oh how the mighty fall.

Start of the year I said I'm going to go to the gym again and just go for it lose weight eat better I did good cheat days aside.

In fairness I did lose 2 stone and my arms were getting bigger by that I mean the muscles were actually growing haha.

Anyway work picked up and I got sick which cut me off from gym for 2 weeks and due to sickness and tiredness from work and I also top it off lost my gym card and it took my gym ages to send me a replacement but ofcourse I slipped back into the lazy shit that I am at home.

I feel ashamed to admit it but yeah I've slipped, I've messed up and gone back to this puppy fat mess that my body is.

All that progress gone.

Well the gym ain't cheap, time has to be made and I have to kick my arse back in gear and go for it again.

I need to not quit. Not to get lazy at home. I'd love to have a friend help me out be like personal trainer go for walks, jogs, pump iron, get the stamina up and help kick my metabolism and testosterone up to max.

Of course I need to sort my fussy eating habits out of junk food the likes of crisps, chocolate, burgers, hot dogs, fried chicken, curry, pizzas, chips you know that generic crap. Need to go more nutrition and protein mad.

Thing is I am so indecisive and just lazy and easy to quit and give up and go back to the state of laziness.

I ain't getting any younger, I do have joint pain and I ain't been or seem my prime state before no one has. I wonder what my beast mode would look like, course being cocky now I'd kill for Finn Balor abs.

So guy's I need your help, I need your positive vibes, feed me your energy, post comments or message me wherever and whenever just egg me on please believe in me.

I'll get started again soon as my work schedule is quieter.

Late Night Ramblin's Vol 3 - The Question Of Life And The Pondering Of Death

The universe is massive, it's ever expanding, the planet is home to 7 billion people and Earth is 4.5 billion years old. It's crazy to think about it aint it?

How did this all happen? How did we get here? How did we become alive? What will happen when we die? I don't want to die. What can i do to not have that happen? What happens? 

God I can't tell you how much of an over thinker i am. Thinking about death and questioning the point of life if we are to be gone it puts me in a state of panic. 

Writing about it right here, right now makes my body feel so cold, like the blood has vanished from my body, i feel so cold, i'm in a state of panic, my thoughts are too much. I can't handle it at times i need a distraction to take my mind away from it. I feel like i can't breathe. It's too much to handle to think about to contemplate. 

Does anyone else get like this?

I need help i know i do. 

It's hard to get off my mind, it scares me, it's scaring me now. I thought talking about it well writing about it here would be easier for me but it still hits me hard. I can't tell you how hard it hits me, like i said it brings me down and just makes me upset and just scared. 

I do believe in the power of reincarnation but i want my memories i want to live, i want life. I don't want to be switched off, the fear is too much to handle. 

What do i do? 

What can i do about this?

Distract my mind?

Make a better life to get a better mind?

I have no clue. 

It's 5am let's try to sleep and hope i'm fine in the morning and get this shit out of my head. Thanks for popping in and reading.