TOP 10 POSTS OF 2022!

10 posts with the most views from 2022 all listed and linked here!

10: Halloween Ends Review

9: I'm A Demon Slayer (original song/poem)

8: Slipknot Top 10 22 ERA

7: TOP 10 JIM CARREY FILMS

6: WWE CLASH AT THE CASTLE WRITE UP

5: Rammstein Cardiff Review

4: Mood Today (original song/poem)

3: Unable 2 Sleep (original song/poem)

2: Halloween Franchise Write Up

1: R.I.P. JDF

SAINTS ROW 2022: GOD AWFUL, GAME REVIEW!

Let me address the elephant in the room. I love Saints Row 1-4 and even Gat out of hell. 

The Saints games got really silly from the 3rd game, but it kept its charm about it.

CLICK ME & GET A YOUTUBE VIDEO!

This Saints Row 2022 reboot is a fucking disgusting, distasteful and disrespectful game to add onto the name "Saints Row". What the fuck happened?! Volition have some major explaining to do. Do not give me "oh we worked from home due to covid" all that crap excuse. It took you years and I bet you were making it before Covid and that's what you give us? This game is worse than having covid.

Saints Row 2022 is a sorry excuse for a gang sandbox game set in Santos Illonos or whatever the fuck place it is set in, I am too annoyed right now to care to share the details. You play as "The Boss" a guy with 3 friends or roommates trying to pay their rent. 2 of which are members of opposing gangs and ones a nerd and your character is a "KILLING MACHINE" he is a part of a special police force until he gets rudely fired for something not even his problem. "Boss" and his roommates then go start a gang, and you put the pie together as you sludge your way through shit gameplay and bad dialogue, and it's whole modern day spiel boomers and trying to appeal to this 00's and 10s generation just sucks. God is so predictable too.

I played this on Ps4 and the bugs and glitches I had were as follows: My character not appearing in some cutscenes, being stuck in melee many times, being stuck in one spot many times, ammo not appearing (even when I picked some up), being stuck super zoomed in when aiming in VTOL, markers not appearing and finally set pieces and next scenes not happening (I'd go to progress mission and I'd be stuck in same zone unable to proceed). 

This game was revealed with buzz and delight and hope then after gameplay and story deets were revealed, people started to turn on the game. Then when the game launched it was an absolute pisstake! Full of bugs and the devs didn't want to hear it and any complaints they had from bad reviews and reactions to gameplay they took it personally and would attack people online for their opinions. Wrong as fuck and also another reason to hate on them, but I digress.

This game has: Terrible gun play, bad dialogue, uninteresting characters, crap story, game breaking bugs, controller destroying glitches. Driving and flying controls are actually alright. Perks system is tidy. Not enough music but it does have some good songs and the synthwave radio station is mint. Larp missions were unique and quirky, and I liked them. There are some fun guns and scenes but for the most part it tries too hard to be funny, and it just persists to be cringy as fuck.

What the fuck happened to my beloved Saints Row?! This is not it!

Game Rating: 3/10

I'm giving it a 3 because I actually liked the vehicle play, larp missions and music.

I gave this game hope and a chance and I do regret it. Thankfully I had it as an Xmas pressie, so I didn't waste money on it. For better reviews please follow my blog and click on the review tag to see my reviews for games, films and music. 

Stay Shiny!

Top 10 Christmas Movies

Wow! So in all my years of running a blog, I have not yet made a Top 10 Xmas films list?! Whaaaaat?! So in the spirit of Christmas let me upload a list of which I have checked who's naughty and nice twice!!! Santa Scott has a rule in place of 1 entry per series also here!

10: Jingle All The Way

It's TURBO time! Starting off strong with this Arnie Christmas classic! A father vows to get his son a Turbo Man action figure for Christmas. However, every store is sold out, and he must travel all over town and compete with everybody else in order to find one.

9: Christmas Chronicles.

Probably the perfect Santa costume ever and Kurt Russell playing a surprisingly great Santa. The story of sister and brother, Kate and Teddy Pierce, whose Christmas Eve plan to catch Santa Claus on camera turns into an unexpected journey that most kids could only dream about.

8: Bad Santa

This is lewd, crude but oh so good and funny! A miserable conman and his partner pose as Santa and his Little Helper to rob department stores on Christmas Eve. But they run into problems when the conman befriends a troubled kid.

7: Gremlins

OK so a horror film but also a christmas film, IS FINALLY HERE ON MY LIST! It was a toss up between this and Krampus BUT I have to and will always pick Gremlins because it is so special to me, and also it's brilliant and funny. A young man inadvertently breaks three important rules concerning his new pet and unleashes a horde of malevolently mischievous monsters on a small town.

6: The Santa Clause

Tim Allen's best work besides being Buzz Lightyear is his role as Scott Calvin oh I am sorry I mean Santa Clause. Some great humour in the first and it's underrated I feel for its wit.

5: Miracle On 34th Street (1994)

Richard Atenbourgh really makes this film something special especially with the deaf girl scene, when I found out that it's the little girl's genuine reaction and that Richard learned sign language just omg touched my soul with sweetness because it's beautiful he did that and her reaction. I believe in this SANTA.

4: Spirited

A BRAND-NEW FILM ENTRY HERE! Spirited features Ryan Reynolds and Will Ferrell, and it's brilliant! Funny and with great musical score. A musical version of Charles Dickens' story of a miserly misanthrope who's taken on a magical journey.

3: How The Grinch Stole Christmas

Perfect cast and just general direction overall with this Jim Carrey Grinch film than any other Grinch film for me anyway. Relatable and funny content galore in Carrey's Grinch.

2: Elf

One of my all-time faves, brilliant soundtrack, great laughs and Will Ferrell at his best with a great cast, and it just makes me smile and laugh and feel so christmassy. Raised as an oversized elf, Buddy travels from the North Pole to New York City to meet his biological father, Walter Hobbs, who doesn't know he exists and is in desperate need of some Christmas spirit.

1: Home Alone 2

As much as I love the first one, the second one has always held such a strong beautiful place in my heart! Kevin once again goes it alone but this time he is lost in NEW YORK at CHRISTMAS! Harry & Marv show up to start robbing some joints but get thwarted again by lil ol Kevin.

Thanks for reading and visiting my blog, please share if you liked it.

Stay Merry!

What Makes A Good Customer?

Are you a customer? Would you like to be a good customer?

"But Scott?" I hear you ask, and now I will tell you exactly HOW you too can be A GOOD CUSTOMER!

AN ITEM DOES NOT HAVE A PRICE OR DOES NOT SCAN IS FREE!

Please refrain from using the classic Retail chat-up line known as "Oh this item did not scan, so it must be free *fake laugh*" AHAHHAHAHA YOU ARE SO FUNNY AND YOU ARE RIGHT IT IS FREE! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! STOP!!!! "But Scott, there's no price on this item, so is it free?" LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH, If this was the case I think a lot of people including myself would be snagging the item and walking away happy....NO OF COURSE IT IS NOT FREE! Please do not say this classic line, even if it is tempting because the retail worker will only fake laugh and be raging and swearing inside their own head and behind your back when you leave their general area. Thank you.

DON'T TRY A MASSIVE SHOP WITHIN THE LAST 10 MINS OF THE SHOPS OPEN TIME!

Please be mindful of the workers and do not commence a big shop when the shop is about to close because this makes you look like the biggest liar on the planet. "Oh but I won't be long, I'm only going in and out for 5mins." Sir we are about to close in 2 mins, so why did you leave it so late? Please refrain from taking the piss, ta.

SUN'S OUT, WHAT A SHAME FOR YOU!

Please be respectful to those who work in retail in those extremely heated conditions. "Oh it's a gorgeous day init? Shame you have to be stuck here eh?" Oh wow, thanks mate for noticing the fact that I am stuck here, inside, bored working for 8 hours mindlessly and sweating out of every hole on my body while you have freedom and can keep yourself cool in these conditions. That always means a lot :D

HOW CAN YOU WORK OVER CHRISTMAS?! WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY?

Please be mindful of your words. "Why are you working all over Christmas? Where's your family?!" Well Sharlene I lost my family when I was little due to an accident over Christmas holidays, and so I am forced to work to keep shoppers like you happy, all the while keeping my mind off my troubles for rude people who wish to criticize strangers because you have nothing better to do. Thanks for giving me a great Christmas present in your rudeness and so THAT'S WHY WE ARE OPEN!

MY ITEM IS NOT HERE! GO CHECK FOR IT!

Please again be understanding that items are not in unlimited supply and that if we had stock that the stock would be out. "What do you mean this item is sold out?! There's more in the back I bet, go check for me!" Listen if there was stock it would be out here on this lovely, dazzling, white, seamless shelf for your purchasing needs. Even when we do go and double check, WE DON'T FIND IT! WE ARE NOT HIDING OR WITH-HOLDING ITEMS! UNDERSTAND THAT NO YOU CANNOT GO AND CHECK FOR YOURSELF!

I BOUGHT THIS ITEM, I WANT MY MONEY BACK & I DON'T HAVE ANY PROOF!

Please understand that if you throw your receipt away, it voids your proof that you have purchased an item from us. No I can't give you something else equal to its value and no I can't get your money back without any proof of purchase, I am sorry, but this is how it works. A follow-up to this issue is usually a customer saying "I COME HERE ALL THE TIME, YOU SERVED ME THIS ITEM! AT LEAST GIVE ME A DISCOUNT!" Understand that what you are saying is all well and good BUT I cannae do it cap'n!

THIS IS A JOKE, I AM NOT WAITING IN LINE & I AM NOT COMING HERE AGAIN!

Please be patient! Look John just calm your tits for a moment, I know for a fact you will be back here when it is on a quieter day so be a normal person and not this entitled bastard and wait to be served JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! I'd ask royalty to wait too if they were here!

I AM NOT PAYING FOR THIS!

Please know that is fine BUT I am scanning/giving you the exact items you wanted. By all means you can ask me nicely to put things back, and I will take them off your bill, BUT UNDERSTAND, YOU NEED TO ASK NICELY! Oh, another glorious one to hear similar to this is the dreaded "I PAY FOR YOU!" Now Sir/Madam I am certain that if you were not here with your stanky ass attitude that I would still be paid and oh by the way, YOU DON'T PAY ME!

WHY ARE YOU NOT OPEN YET!? I HAVE BEEN STANDING HERE COLD FOR HOURS!

Please understand our opening hours are advertised via front door signage and also online. We are not open every single hour of every day! It is no good knocking our doors at 8AM when we won't be open until 12PM! If you chose to stand outside our shop for hours in the cold waiting for us to open, well I'm afraid I got some baaaad news for you. Sucks to be you, thanks for trying but come back later to see the wonders inside the shop!

CAN YOU GIVE ME A JOB HERE?

Please know that I am not the manager, and please run far away from here before even trying to work here because you and I deserve a better work place BUT OF COURSE, I can get you a job here Kevin, where and when do you want to work? You can work now if you want? I mean there's a big queue, and we need more people to work today so why not eh Kev?! We do not get to decide who works here with us and when and 95% of the time have no idea when Jobs are going with us? So uh keep to those online job recruitment sites please.

Finally, do not treat our work place like a rubbish tip. It is not your own home! YOU do not have to clean up shit from the blocked toilets, you don't have to fix displays and shelves, you don't have to spend hours scrubbing off graffiti. Please have some respect and decency!

TO SUMMARISE:
#1 - BE RESPECTFUL
#2 - BE PATIENT

#3 - BE UNDERSTANDING
#4 - BE KIND
#5 - BE LOGICAL
#6 - BE MINDFUL

Go now onto the world of retail with this information in mind and pass it onto others, and you will receive a free blessing in the post! Thanks for reading and sharing this blog!

What Makes A Good Team Leader?

What is a Team Leader?

A team leader is someone who assists the team with their needs and relay to management. They ensure that communication from higher-ups is passed down more clearly and directly to teams. This keeps workplaces tighter and makes sure that teams have what they need when the need for leadership rears its head. Team leaders can be seen as a hybrid of management and staff, giving important help to both.

What does a Team Leader do?

They bridge the gap between management and colleagues, team leaders are often closer to the team itself and work within it while shouldering the job of reporting back to management and heading up roles including training, motivation, and the clerical stuff that comes with being responsible for colleagues. Team leaders also keep an eye on the performance of their team. They’re in the prime position to identify areas needed for training, team building, and maybe even promoting. Your team leaders might be empowered to organize these things on their own, or they can report back to management to get the ball rolling. They are expected to lead by example. It's a demanding but rewarding role.

What skills does a team leader need?

People skills. Great listening skills. Kindness, eye for detail, Organization skills. Effective communication with patience, empathy and ability to listen, you need to know people. Problem-solving skills. Being a leader.

Also for everyone please obide by the rules in the picture below. 

More tips and advice to come soon to my blog, follow or bookmark to keep your eyes open!

Top 10 Fortnite Collabs I Need

Alright it is time for a totally different list, today I will be wishing well and wishing hard for these 10 collab that need to be added to Fortnite!

All Chapter 1 & 2 Collabs. Which has been your fave?

#10 - Metallica

OK so we got Metallica featured all over Fortnite's in game Icon radio station and also the sick Master Of Puppets emote BUT I would love to see James, Lars, Kirk & Rob in the game and also how insane would it be to have a METALLICA CONCERT IN GAME!

#9 - WWE

We have seen Cena enter the island BUT it would be cool to get a massive crossover with the likes of The New Day and some fun emotes and wraps along with the 3 of them. Also, The Undertaker would be epic for this collab too!

#8 - Hellboy

Now how cool would it be to be rocking up to a squad with a revolver with good ol Big Red behind it with his massive hand. I'd add in Abe, Kraus, Lobster Johnson and Hitlers Assassin also to the collab.

#7 - Horror Icons

Play as Michael Myers, Freddy Kruger, Jason Vorhees & Chucky would be great fun.

#6 - Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood

ED & AL plus Armstrong and Mustang just OMG!!! GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE!!! Hell add in Lust, Sloth and Greed too for good fun!

#5 - The Boys

I'd buy Butcher & Homelander in a heartbeat. Add in Black Noir and Starlight for good measure :)

#4 - TMNT

Oh hell yeah, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles skins would be class add in Shredder and you got gold!

#3 - Attack On Titan

I would love to swing around and kill sweats as Eren, Levi, Armin & Mikasa. Eren built in transformation to titan emote be cool too!

#2 - Power Rangers

I'd die for any skins from Power Rangers, it be cool to emote to morph too! Also I would die for lobby music of the MMPR theme. 

#1 - ONE PIECE

LETS GOOOO! Gimmie Luffy, Zoro, Chopper, Brooks & Nami and I want both ships as gliders, binks sake emote others can join in with instruments.

So will EPIC listen and add any of these soon? Who Knows?! 

What would you like to see added to FORT?

Thanks for visiting my blog and reading my list.

Stay Shiny!

Top 10 Fozzy Songs

Fozzy the metal band headed by Chris Jericho started off as an Ozzy Osborne covers band BUT quickly went into making their own music, and it rocked, THEY ROCK! 

As of September 2022, the band has released eight studio albums and one live album. Their first two albums consist of primarily cover songs with some original material, while their albums since have made original material the primary focus.

10: Do You Wanna Start A War?

Starting off strong with this catchy belter. Fall in line and obey if you want to start a war, you better do it right now!

9: Sandpaper

Jericho teams with M.Shadows on this belter. Jericho once said: "It's not about a piece of paper that you rub on your face that chafes you, it's just about an abrasive type of feeling that you might have toward somebody. So it's just stuff like that. But we still sing it with a smile on our faces."

8: Sane

The video for this was filmed on the world's longest wooden Rollercoaster. "Sane," with its ebb and flow of hushed anxiety and expressive, relief-struck chorus, is an ode to those who live their lives a bit crazier than the average person. "In times like these, I don't wanna be sane," sing Jericho over the refrain.

7: I Still Burn

Jericho said: I Still Burn is the story of the dreams, the passion and the fire that lies within all of us to be the absolute best we can be…and to do WHATEVER it takes to achieve the goals that make our dreams come true! The sacrifices, the losses, and the triumphs that we have all experienced make up the lyrical DNA of this song. I Still Burn is Fozzy’s mission statement, our life’s work and our destiny…and we are so proud to share this message of victory with our Fozzy family!! Plus, Rich’s guitar solo fuckin rules!!!”

6: Nowhere To Run

This track is a strong statement right out of the gate, filled with aggressive gritty guitars to open the song before giving way to more dreamily melodic verses and a defiant, anthemic chorus.

5: Painless

Jericho said: It’s based around a bad relationship and somebody’s just numbing you to the pain, almost like if you get bit by a black widow, and it numbs you as it kills you,” the vocalist raves. “I just love that, like every breath I take is one closer to death when I’m with you.”

4: Martyr No More

Chris Jericho says that he wrote the lyrics about someone who can do anything except for put up with their significant other any longer, something everyone can relate too.

3: Enemy

“Enemy” is about anybody that has those problems that they want to hurt themselves or someone else. A Fozzy Classic! I first heard this during a TNA PPV back in like 2007 I think. 

2: Burn Me Out

An absolute banger in my opinion. 

1: Judas

Here's the world famous AEW Fozzy SPecial! Sing it loud and proud for Le Champion!

And that is my list!

For more top 10s follow my blog and search in the sidebar "TOP 10".

Thanks for visiting my blog and for reading, I really appreciate it!

Stay Shiny!

THE SCOTTIES 2022!!!!

Oh my god, it is here, it is time! Put on them tuxedo's and do up those bow ties because it's time for me to give out my prestigious awards. :D

The Scotties are my own made up awards I present to many things to just highlight the best of the best this past year. (The Scotties were not on last year due to ill mental health.) So it is great to be back and presenting the awards once again. 

The brand-new award was created on my phone this year.

Oh look here are my music stats this year and so this will determine who has been the best artist of this very year. 

OK so to no one's surprise Ghost are my band of the year! Impera by Ghost is also Album of the year!

Best new band: Electric Callboy

Best Film: The Batman

(My TOP 10 films of the year are in the picture below.) 

Best Tv Show: The Boys

Best Dragonball Anime: Dragonball Super: Superhero Movie

Best Concert Film: 21 Pilots: Scaled & Icy Experience

Best Online Game: Minecraft (shock here as it dethrones Fortnite)

Best Battle Royale: Fortnite! (they had the awesome dragonball crossover and so it automatically wins an award, and also story and things were good too, so shush!)

Best animated film: One Piece: Red (I was not a one piece fan before seeing this film, and now I AM! So hands down I have to give the award to One Piece Red!)

Best film soundtrack: One Piece Red (Ado delivered a beautiful soundtrack!)

Best concert attended: Rammstein! (I am sorry but how could I not place this at number 1)

Best Live Event Attended: WWE CLASH AT THE CASTLE! (A long crazy fun day out, and it was all filmed and broadcast live, so I was a part of History.)

MOST VIEWED BLOG POST: JDF TRIBUTE POST.

MOST VIEWED TIKTOK: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMFpqjRdg/ (Ah a new category emerges from the shadows)

Now Presenting THE YOUTUBE CREATOR STATS (This category shows my youtube is an award in itself)

OK, that about wraps up the awards and what a night it has been. Some new contenders came and conquered whilst old classics remained unscathed ontop of the world. The year has been much like the past 5 years a total rollercoaster with a lot of shit on the tracks causing the ride to start and stop especially when it comes to mental health BUT hey, I survived! I am alive (despite the attempts made upon me) haha.

Anyway thank you very much for reading, keep supporting me on youtube, blogger, tiktok etc and let's have a Merry Christmas and great 2023! Thanks for the birthday wishes too! 

Stay Shiny! 

Five Finger Death Punch - Afterlife ALBUM REVIEW!!!

Alright fuckers and fuckette's, It is about god-damn time that we listen to METAL, and we review it here on my blog once again. 

IT IS FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH TIME MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!

AfterLife is the ninth studio album by American heavy metal band Five Finger Death Punch, released on August 19, 2022, via Better Noise. It is the first album since 2007's The Way of the Fist not to feature longtime lead guitarist Jason Hook, who was replaced by Andy James in 2020. So knowing we have a new guitarist on this album, I do wonder how Andy will compare with Hook. I know the band has played around with more technology with this album as the teasers have shown sounds of industrial metal and synth. 

As with my album reviews, I like to list the tracks and tell you my thoughts on the songs and then rate the album as a whole to end. What are you sitting around for? Get up and mosh!

Welcome to the Circus

Oh shit!!!! ARE YOU READY! LOOKS LIKE WE KICKING OFF GOING HARD AND CATCHY WITH THIS ONE! "YOU GOTTA KILL SOMEBODY" parts are sick! AHHHHHH THIS CHORUS! Yep yep! Fave song and we are one song into this album! As I said we got some new sounds spliced together in with FFDP's famous sound structure. "AM IIII THE ONLY ONE!" Damn boys you're opening this one with a banger!? What else is there on this album!?

Afterlife

Here we go again, another solid banger! Great catchy chorus and that guitar is peak! It's got the typical vibes or ffdp and their structured songs, but it's also different and unique. Chorus is great. Oh, here comes a screechy guitar and some gut busting drums. 

Times Like These

The first soft one on this album dare I say? It's nice, great flow and the structure and lyrics are deep. Instrumentally giving different sounds a shine. Ah man, lovely little chill song with deep lyrics.

Roll Dem Bones

Ooof hello Five finger! Here is the flow we are so used to by this band. Honestly when it comes to FFDP they got this addictive flow with their songs. You got this nice groove and aggressive vocals along with fast-paced vocals and then catchy chorus's with chunky riffs and drum beats. Proper umphf! ROLL DEM BONES! So far this is my fave of the album!

Pick Up Behind You

God do I love Ivan's clean vocals also. Mmm the bass and groove in this song is just mmm. I am bopping my body and head to this one.

Judgement Day

Shit this intro made me thought of some grime rap content to drop on me and then came the la-la's and then the slow maniacal sounding vocals from Ivan here. A different track from ffdp more synth and more like a drum machine is taking part with the industrial, grime like synth beats. It's different. Not something I can get into right now, but I can bet this one will get a slow following.

IOU

A mix of what we love about FFDP here. Fuck me this one just hits you know? Catchy, heavy and continuing the album's industrial theme with its instrumentals.Oooooh that solo daaamn Andy you go dude! (if that is Andy shredding) OK this is also one of my faves on this album! This just does something for me and makes me fist pump to its chorus. 

Thanks for Asking

Woah dude the start sounds like elevator or lobby music, and then we get treated to a sweet Spanish acoustic guitar and some shakers. This feels like another themed song like on the wrong side of heaven. Hey man, Ivan's vocals just slaps. Oh, here comes the band and the Spanish acoustic is still going on behind. When this song started I was confused and concerned but as I am near its end, I must say that I appreciate this one. Damn different for sure but man that was good.

Blood and Tar

Hello again Mr acoustic guitar, OH bye then haha, the band are giving it the chugs and grooves now with their heavy sound. This one is the military story of the album I feel. Seems like squad mates turning on each other. 

All I Know

Whistle away now ya'll. We got that soft acoustic start to this song. The longest song on the album just feels like Ivan speaking his mind. It could grow on people or me more with more listens. The guitar solo is sweet.

Gold Gutter

Aww shit! Ivan just said he about to burn it down! This is another one of the rough, catchy, typical "let's fuck shit up" song from FFDP for sure. Ivan laughs as he thanks the world and rants about it all because he wants to punish it through this song, so fuck the haters! WHEN IVAN SAID BOUNCE THE FUCKING CHUNKY HEAVY ASS NOISE THAT IS PROCEEDING TO BLAST MY FUCKING EAR DRUMS IN MY HEADPHONES IS GNARLY AS FUCK!!!! Jeeezus! Fair enough Ivan you go let loose it's so good to hear it!

The End

Well time for the last song on the album. Hmm pretty good, it's the again typical FFDP sound and structure but added technical vocals which makes Ivan sound like he's underwater at times in this song. Oh the flow of instrumentals after the "Burn it to the ground" part was wicked, what was that?! 

7/10

A different album and sound from FFDP which is interwoven with the sound structure of old. 

A good album!

Alright, so afterlife by FFDP what do you think?

Thanks for reading and sharing this review, I appreciate it so much!

See you next time, stay shiny!

Walk A Day In My Shoes

*****WARNING! THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS AND TRIGGERING BLOG POST! THIS POST TALKS ABOUT GRIEF, DEPRESSION, MENTAL HEALTH, AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS! READ AT YOUR OWN CAUTION!*****

My mind has been in unrest, I have been having a harder time than normal to switch off my brain and to close my eyes and slip away to the land of sleep. How normal is it to think about killing yourself? I ask you this very big important question. 

Is it OK to think so once a day or every so often? Maybe? I mean I am no judge or councillor to tell you that answer. I have days when I think about dying, my death. Likewise, I have days where, I feel like I want to self delete. Is that healthy? Why do I think or feel like self deleting when my mental health gets bad? 

Well I will tell you the truth, It's because my head is noisy, and I cannot control the tornado of voices of heavy negativity in my head. The voices will be mine or a version of me or even worse, the voices will be of loved ones or former lovers and them telling me stupid things or my mind remembering memories or certain things being triggered and then my mind is playing the moments or conversations over in my head. 

"You control your own mind, not it controlling you" - See that? That's a good statement, for the strong-minded or strong-willed. That sentence or telling someone to think about something else, a happier time just does not work. Words or actions don't work all the time. Distractions such as video games or books or movies or music will only ever last so long because when you need to switch all off and settle to sleep, no matter how many times you close your eyes and listen to the silence that it can become too noisy and too flashy with its negative or even scary images that flash in the darkness of your eyelids to keep you awake. 

You know, keeping me awake and driving me insane lately is just trying to figure myself out and what I am doing and hell that stupid interrogation like question of "Who are you?". Who am I? I know my name and I know what kind of manners and heart I have or have had. I tend to be kind, caring, loving, soft, emotional, sensitive, smart, funny, polite and self-less. 

The past 4 years all that has remained to me is the pain. Pain from giving so much of myself for someone else to try and make and even, to keep them happy. The pain from rejection and broken up with, pain from being stone walled, guilt-tripped and used. Unrequited love pain. I see memories and I hear voices of past conversations and moments and some are just ones that may seem nice or like they don't matter or mean anything, but I guess they did to me, and they bring me anger from the pain. There's regretful pain, there are things I should have said or done sooner or realised much quicker. I should have turned my heart off and my love of giving and of trying to help someone and make them happy or laugh. If I had turned off those amazing beautiful qualities of mine, well that would not have been me, would it? 

Who am I again? Am I this hot headed, cold blooded, anger fuelled real life Doom Slayer? Or am I the Big Friendly Giant?

So much pain.....so much ANGER! How can I be expected to live with all this that I harbour within my soul?

Where else does this pain come from? A good question to ask me, and I am not in any circumstances writing or saying all this for sympathy or views or anything trivial, I am explaining as best I can all of what goes on and through my head and the pain behind these dull eyes and big smile. 

January 2020, I went through something unexpected and unplanned. The loss of an unborn child. It was tough not many knew this or know this. Some do, and I can only ever extend my thanks as I will also do here for being there and offering support. So back to the muddy field now in my mind with this topic. Losing a child. It was not planned with my partner at the time. She was scared and confused when her period was late and after finding out via a test that we were having a baby. Of course, we were both happy and scared, and she was more so scared, but soon as I found out this instantaneous snap of a switch in my head came on, and DAD MODE appeared online. I made so many promises and efforts to you know keep them safe and to get more jobs even and looked into housing and all the baby books and topics imaginable for dads and parents altogether really. I promised to keep her and the baby safe and fed and housed and to work my absolute bollocks off to do everything I could to give my kid and my Mrs a good life they deserved. Then it happened my ex partner felt weird and reported to me about bleeding, and it was heavy clotty bleeding now. We were scared and panicked and called NHS and was advised some stuff, and we sneaked off to get her some tests done without her parents knowing because they were on holidays at the time and uh well also at that time, they were not on talking terms with us BUT anyway. After hours in the Hospital it was revealed that it was not good, and the baby was miscarried and that was it. The grief of it and the magnitude of the loss took some time for it to hit and affect me because I was in this "I am strong, I must be strong for her and support her more than ever during this time" again self-less me, but it's more than understandable why I did this and acted this way. I worked through it as did my Mrs because of course we did not tell anyone besides our families and some close friends, but you know it sucked. Shit was tough and sad, a kid died......my kid......my kid died.

That's just the start of the story of pain from the past few years. Flash forward to March 2020 and Lockdown happened, COVID WAS RUNNIN WILD! My Nana died. Not from Covid. From an illness that was killing her and taking this beautiful, funny woman away for almost a decade.....Dementia. Man that uh yeah, sucked. It still sucks now, I loved my Nan, I love her still, and I always will. I will always miss her and her laugh and her stories. God this still fucking hurts. I was leaving with my Mrs to get petrol before we went to my Nans, and then I had a call to say "Nana's passed". I could feel the world around me just fall and shatter like broken glass, in an instant. So much grief and pain and anger and resent befell me. I resented my ex partner to a degree low-key in my head for not being fast enough, and I blamed myself for not doing this more or saying this or being fast enough, BUT THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE, IT HAPPENED HOW IT HAPPENED. Man, I cannot begin to tell you how much I wish I could have held her once more or have her hold me and just to tell her how much I loved her. My Nan was the best! I love you Nana! 

The pain of losing a child and then my Nan was swirling within me and of course actual lockdown kicked off, and I was angry and resting and hating so much from the government to myself and to the world. My nan had a quiet send off as opposed to a big gathering because my Nan deserved to have been seen off with so many people because so many knew her and loved her. I hate how the government told us we could not do what we wanted even though they were doing as they please. I hated how my then Mrs could not be there with me for the funeral and the fact we had a stupid fight days before causing her to shut off and not talk to me for days. How fucking childish can people be?

A month or so after losing my nan, my dad had a heart attack and was rushed to hospital and I never fucking seen him for months. That was so scary. God, it was so shitty! I was worrying every single fucking day about him and fearing the worst news every day, EVERY SINGLE DAY! He was ok though. 

Anyway, how are you feeling reading all this? Knowing my story so far? I feel shit right now, Is this what it feels like to heal? To cry and to bleed your soul out telling strangers your story?

We continue onwards to life in August 2020, I lost my Grandad. My Grampa. He passed away to me, it was so unexpected because he was in hospital for an infection and drs or nurses my family phoned every day to tell us that he was OK and then just rang us one day and said "sorry Roy has passed away" like WHAT?! HOW!? I was angry at the drs and nurses and that hospital in general I feel like they had lied to us and I never got to see him or tell him how much I loved him also. God-damn it, I was mad, I was so angry and again the hate was strong. How could I be happy any more that year? Why did the lord decide to take so much from me in 2020?

Of course my dad got taken to hospital again for months due to another heart attack and of course I was again worried and so fuckin scared for every operation for every single day, we did not see or hear him. It was terrible. THANK FUCKING GOD HE IS OK AND STILL HERE NOW! He will live forever, I am telling you now! No one else is dying!

20-fucking-20 sucked so much, and it is the most cancerous year ever fucking conceived. How could I be happy again after all this? I could not enjoy my birthday nor Christmas, my mood, mental health and relationships all strained due to all this pain and grief. 

To continue onwards now we have a gap because I am skipping over lots because no need to speak about them as nothing really much happened. I was filled with pain, grief, anger, resent of course and then August 2021 happened. I was to be a Dad again. Oh, how nice a feeling that was and once again everything cleared and Dad mode snapped back on. September 2021 the inevitable happened.....I had COVID. My dad had it, my mam had it, I had it. During the 14-day self-isolation, my then partner informed me that she was going through what seemed like another miscarriage. I could not do anything!!!! I was forced to isolate by orders of the government, or I'd endanger everyone else and get a hefty fine. The day my isolation ended was the day after the miscarriage, so I sped to see and comfort my partner and of course I landed myself in trouble for speeding by 2mph over the speed limit. I know how lame! Times were tough again and she kept the big clot of what she felt was the baby in a plastic container. It was so morbid and sad and I just wanted us to bury the container as a case of giving our second special kid a funeral but that never happened and I have no idea what ever happened to that container anymore or her because since then, the pain and strains continued and our relationship eventually and unfotly ended.

Xmas eve 2021 the relationship I was in suffered a nasty almost breaking up argument. Our pain was real and we were hurting and hurting eachother again over silly matters and I say it was silly matters because to me it was stuff not even worth an argument or doing that god damn childish and pathetic stone walling shit again over. God forbid my new partner to ever stone wall me, I am walking i aint dealing with that shit ever again. Anyway many arguments happened here and there and I forget the details now or what they were about as time goes on and as memories fade. I try and try to cut and clear out so much of the shit because I want to try and move on and away from all that shit and trauma because it does more hurt than good these days. 

Flash forward once more to April 2022 and Break up happened. Shit that hurt. A LOT MORE than I ever knew it would. It hurt more than ever for many reasons. Being lied to about being friends instead as she said she wanted to maintain our bond and connection because it was very special and how alike we are as people and well she left me on read and never messaged or called or seen me again. I seen her a few days later because I decided to pack up and leave my job because It's something I was thinking of for the longest time and felt held back by my ex partner and that i did not want to work with her again. Pain came from that too and when she eventually blocked me. Crazy how much pain you can be in from a relationship. No matter how much I tried to block her out my head or life, I always wanted to talk to her or see her again even though I never did. I was scared of seeing her and scared she would turn people against me since many people I know have completely stopped talking to me or bothering with me anymore since the relationship ended so of course that left sour thoughts and taste in my mouth. I got no proof of any lies or negative shit being talked about me. Please remember there's two sides to everyone's story and just because the female of a hetero relationship ended things that it does not mean the guy fucked up or did wrong either. My opinion is that she fell for someone else behind my back and because of the losses and arguments she resented me and off she popped. What a silly billy to lose this sexy man eh? Despite our ages being the same the relationship was very much like a teenage love where it was messy and complicated and when it worked, well it worked haha. 

The healing from the break up has been so hard like seriously! The healing and grieving of all of this has been hard and when my mental health falls. Concerts and shows have been the only thing keeping me alive this year. Always having a concert booked to look forward to just helps me along. So does the escape in with films, anime, games and music! Friends and Family have helped me too of course, but when things in my head are bad I can't help but to think of ending myself or isolating from everyone. I've had times where I have drank every day and times I have been stupid and mixed drugs and alcohol into me. I have been unemployed and skint this year too. I have regrets of leaving my old job and I do miss it sometimes of course, I would go back there if certain people no longer worked there haha.

The ptsd, guilt, regret, pain and anger I feel is insane to deal with added on from all the grief.

Do you know I have torn muscled and broken bones too among the past 4 years. I have also lost 5 stone and of course sadly due to horrible events put weight back on too. I have amassaed many grey hairs from top of my head to my toes for god sake ahaha. See I gots my humor still. 

I have faced so many rejections this year from jobs, it's been a real pain in the tubes so to speak. Listening to music, letting all this out and my emotions to stroll down my face has been a help. I cannot say all the things or explain the things that go through my head or how I feel when my mental health is in the bin but all I can say is, it fucking sucks and it always feels like it wont get better because you are in the midsts of a tornado and that's what happens. 

I lost my childhood hero recently and that has also sucked ontop of everything already on my head. Losing a strong positive soul like his to suicide was out of the blue and super scary and shocking. The guy seemed stronger than anything we have seen before. 

We don't truly know what goes on in people's minds do we? Isn't that scary? 

Would you have believed me, If I told you that I was ok? Will you believe me now when I tell you I am ok So do you get what it's been like in my head for the past 4 years? Do you understand me better? Do you know how this feels? Does this meet your vibe checks? Do I need professional help? You tell me. 

What happens now? 

Not sure entirely, BUT I will continue to fight this shit with all my might for as long as there is kickass music in the world and good worlds to escape to in the form of games, anime and films. I know by sharing all this and posting it that, I wont be looked at the same way or I will be talked about because this is a lot! 

I am only posting this to raise awareness to mental health and suicidal thoughts and on grief. 

Please do not discuss these details in any negative manner or spread it like lies and ill talked rumors. You are knowing this information to simply raise awareness to pass on to others to let them know how struggles are real and they are not alone in feeling any or all of what I have touched on and talked about with my mental health and struggles. Before you judge me, walk a day in my shoes. Thanks for your help here. :)

Thank you for listening/reading. 

This has certainly been tough and I appreciate your time and effort to go through this. 

I Just Want To Heal (original poem/lyrics)

It's been a long time coming baby,

You tell me to "take your time, you're on your own, there's no excuses"

What about the promises you made here or there, were they for nothing,

You keep your attention onto things that don't involve us,

I poured my heart out, and you turned it into dust,

Now I'm alone thinking about all the times you abused me,

And my soul is left scorned with PTSD,

Now I have to Heal.....

Because I wanna feel,

I want to know if what we had was real,

Man, I just want to Heal,

I tore your letters up, And cried into a pillow,

I burned your cards, smashed your mugs, ripped apart your picture frame,

Hoping to be free, of the blame,

I was hoping to feel,

I want to move on and Heal....

To forget your voice and those times I sacrificed,

All the time I gave you,

I'm alone, and now I just want to Heal.....

Man, I just want to Heal,

I just want to feel,

I don't want to be alone,

There are monsters sitting upon the throne,

Making my mind their home,

Coz I'm alone,

Please help me to heal,

I hope you feel the sun, and it takes you back some,

To the times in our lives, where I made you smile,

I hope to god, that you regret this,

Because heaven knows, it won't be repeated,

Now it's over I hope you feel all the guilt that made this,

Hopefully you will know the problem isn't me, it's you

I'm all alone, sitting with my thoughts, I just want to Heal,

These voices seem so real,

Depression got me to kneel,

The monsters come alive,

When I brandish the knife,

I want to be alone, so let me cut along,

I just want to feel,

Please help me to heal,

It's been a while and I hope you know,

I always wanted to help you heal,

Even when you did not deserve the kindness,

I wanted to make you know,

You were never on your own,

I just wanted to make you feel,

My love for you was real,

Now I'm all alone,

Kneeling before my throne,

And I just want to heal.

Written By: Scott Jones

04:23am - 27/11/2022

Poppy - A Very Poppy Christmas Review

So we get closer to Christmas and I thought 'tis the season for me to finally listen to Poppy's Christmas Album. I had no idea until Flux came out that she did a Christmas Album! So sit down with me and grab some mulled wine and let's chill by the fireplace and warm up with Poppy.

A Very Poppy Christmas is the third E.P. by Poppy. It features three original Christmas songs and one cover, and is Poppy's first Christmas-themed release. The EP has a stripped-back sound, with Poppy only being accompanied by guitar or keyboard on most songs.

I Like Presents - It's a nice soft love kind of song, basically saying for you to leave the presents beneath the tree because she wants all of you in exchange for all of her.

I Won't Be Home For Christmas - Another soft, kind of melancholy song about love and feeling sad because as the title suggests she won't be home for Christmas, and she's sorry for it.

Kiss In The Snow - Catchy, slow, soft, pop dance kind of beat going on with the song also. Of course this is love themed too, the piano part is lovely. Yeah, I'm singing along to this, this is good and memorable.

Silver Bells - Sing songy, soft pop acoustic cover of ye olde Christmas classic Silver Bells.

Great and surprisingly lovely Christmas songs from Poppy.

I was kinda teary-eyed with some of these, I won't lie, it was so sweet and just heartfelt to me.

Thanks for reading and visiting!

Stay Shiny!