What Makes A Good Customer?

Are you a customer? Would you like to be a good customer?

"But Scott?" I hear you ask, and now I will tell you exactly HOW you too can be A GOOD CUSTOMER!

AN ITEM DOES NOT HAVE A PRICE OR DOES NOT SCAN IS FREE!

Please refrain from using the classic Retail chat-up line known as "Oh this item did not scan, so it must be free *fake laugh*" AHAHHAHAHA YOU ARE SO FUNNY AND YOU ARE RIGHT IT IS FREE! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! STOP!!!! "But Scott, there's no price on this item, so is it free?" LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH, If this was the case I think a lot of people including myself would be snagging the item and walking away happy....NO OF COURSE IT IS NOT FREE! Please do not say this classic line, even if it is tempting because the retail worker will only fake laugh and be raging and swearing inside their own head and behind your back when you leave their general area. Thank you.

DON'T TRY A MASSIVE SHOP WITHIN THE LAST 10 MINS OF THE SHOPS OPEN TIME!

Please be mindful of the workers and do not commence a big shop when the shop is about to close because this makes you look like the biggest liar on the planet. "Oh but I won't be long, I'm only going in and out for 5mins." Sir we are about to close in 2 mins, so why did you leave it so late? Please refrain from taking the piss, ta.

SUN'S OUT, WHAT A SHAME FOR YOU!

Please be respectful to those who work in retail in those extremely heated conditions. "Oh it's a gorgeous day init? Shame you have to be stuck here eh?" Oh wow, thanks mate for noticing the fact that I am stuck here, inside, bored working for 8 hours mindlessly and sweating out of every hole on my body while you have freedom and can keep yourself cool in these conditions. That always means a lot :D

HOW CAN YOU WORK OVER CHRISTMAS?! WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY?

Please be mindful of your words. "Why are you working all over Christmas? Where's your family?!" Well Sharlene I lost my family when I was little due to an accident over Christmas holidays, and so I am forced to work to keep shoppers like you happy, all the while keeping my mind off my troubles for rude people who wish to criticize strangers because you have nothing better to do. Thanks for giving me a great Christmas present in your rudeness and so THAT'S WHY WE ARE OPEN!

MY ITEM IS NOT HERE! GO CHECK FOR IT!

Please again be understanding that items are not in unlimited supply and that if we had stock that the stock would be out. "What do you mean this item is sold out?! There's more in the back I bet, go check for me!" Listen if there was stock it would be out here on this lovely, dazzling, white, seamless shelf for your purchasing needs. Even when we do go and double check, WE DON'T FIND IT! WE ARE NOT HIDING OR WITH-HOLDING ITEMS! UNDERSTAND THAT NO YOU CANNOT GO AND CHECK FOR YOURSELF!

I BOUGHT THIS ITEM, I WANT MY MONEY BACK & I DON'T HAVE ANY PROOF!

Please understand that if you throw your receipt away, it voids your proof that you have purchased an item from us. No I can't give you something else equal to its value and no I can't get your money back without any proof of purchase, I am sorry, but this is how it works. A follow-up to this issue is usually a customer saying "I COME HERE ALL THE TIME, YOU SERVED ME THIS ITEM! AT LEAST GIVE ME A DISCOUNT!" Understand that what you are saying is all well and good BUT I cannae do it cap'n!

THIS IS A JOKE, I AM NOT WAITING IN LINE & I AM NOT COMING HERE AGAIN!

Please be patient! Look John just calm your tits for a moment, I know for a fact you will be back here when it is on a quieter day so be a normal person and not this entitled bastard and wait to be served JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! I'd ask royalty to wait too if they were here!

I AM NOT PAYING FOR THIS!

Please know that is fine BUT I am scanning/giving you the exact items you wanted. By all means you can ask me nicely to put things back, and I will take them off your bill, BUT UNDERSTAND, YOU NEED TO ASK NICELY! Oh, another glorious one to hear similar to this is the dreaded "I PAY FOR YOU!" Now Sir/Madam I am certain that if you were not here with your stanky ass attitude that I would still be paid and oh by the way, YOU DON'T PAY ME!

WHY ARE YOU NOT OPEN YET!? I HAVE BEEN STANDING HERE COLD FOR HOURS!

Please understand our opening hours are advertised via front door signage and also online. We are not open every single hour of every day! It is no good knocking our doors at 8AM when we won't be open until 12PM! If you chose to stand outside our shop for hours in the cold waiting for us to open, well I'm afraid I got some baaaad news for you. Sucks to be you, thanks for trying but come back later to see the wonders inside the shop!

CAN YOU GIVE ME A JOB HERE?

Please know that I am not the manager, and please run far away from here before even trying to work here because you and I deserve a better work place BUT OF COURSE, I can get you a job here Kevin, where and when do you want to work? You can work now if you want? I mean there's a big queue, and we need more people to work today so why not eh Kev?! We do not get to decide who works here with us and when and 95% of the time have no idea when Jobs are going with us? So uh keep to those online job recruitment sites please.

Finally, do not treat our work place like a rubbish tip. It is not your own home! YOU do not have to clean up shit from the blocked toilets, you don't have to fix displays and shelves, you don't have to spend hours scrubbing off graffiti. Please have some respect and decency!

TO SUMMARISE:
#1 - BE RESPECTFUL
#2 - BE PATIENT

#3 - BE UNDERSTANDING
#4 - BE KIND
#5 - BE LOGICAL
#6 - BE MINDFUL

Go now onto the world of retail with this information in mind and pass it onto others, and you will receive a free blessing in the post! Thanks for reading and sharing this blog!