Random Ramblin 41 - Worst Year Ever & An Apology

Without any shadow of doubts this year has been the worst ever for myself.

A lot has happened and lockdown has made things so much worse and harder than ever before and its having such a heavy toll. 

I feel like my anger has just been so blinding this year same with my sadness. 

Grief has had a big ugly card at play in a lot of this and the fallout created and spawned from said grief is so traumatic that its very complicated and problematic.

Back to anger and it's been so overbearing and so quick to rise up from many factors of the world of course. I probably am suffering from some depression too I've you know said to people i want to see a dr for meds and I've said to others that it's a real struggle to keep going on every day. 

You know, it's bloody hard it really is. Not to toot horns but this one has been specially tough for me. Going into lockdown i lost my nan and damn this still hurts and makes me cry now even as i type this here, i did not expect that. Before going into lockdown another loss was had at the start of the year and fights were had and so life was tough and sad and painful and times got tough and anger and depression and grief were all there present. 

It was just a month ago i was giving the downlo on the intel i had for you from me or the lockdown. 

Times still tough and still going through a lot of shit.

All i have ever wanted is peace, love and happiness. I apologise to those reading this who i have hurt or offended in anyway. 

I am a human being and i make mistakes and i fuck a lot up unintentionally too. 

I never mean to ever hurt anyone, i truly am a gentleman and a good soul and i don't say this if i did not mean it. 

I have pushed many good people away because of my problems i know this and to them i am sorry. I never mean to be the problematic one or to shoe off all my sorrows onto anyone else so they could carry the weight or anything i just wanted to be listened to and to have had a push of help in the right direction. 

I struggle to fully cope well with the pressure of my emotions i know this and some are stronger and more powerful than others inside me. 

I got a lot of work ahead of me and yes it is a bit scary and overwhelming but the path to redemption is often rocky and uncomfortable. 

Just let's all be safe and keep well and start shining.

Stay Shiny!

Grey Skies Will Fade Away - Poem

Although the skies are grey,

And you're mind is unclear,

Know that i will sit beside you,

And it will all be okay my dear,

I know its tough right now,

And emotions are high,

But rest easy knowing i am by your side,

The rain will ease away,

And We will welcome a rainbow to stay,

Brighter days are coming,

For as long as you are still smiling,

The world is beautiful and full of vibrant colours,

With you here, this world will never get duller,

Thank you for being the light in the dark,

Thank you for holding onto me during stormy seas,

Thank you for being the sense and calm in my madness,

Thank you for all you're beautiful words and emotions,

Thank you for all the love you give me,

Thank you for not giving up and staying here,

Don't give up, Stand unbroken,

Continue to grow and heal and continue evolving,

For the hurt and anger and depression and anxiety you live with,

I am sorry for those who brought the worst to you and tried to destroy you,

You are in control and all is well now, no need to be afraid,

No harm will ever come to you, No harm should have ever came to you,

We can't rewind time, but if we could we would,

We would meet sooner, laugh harder,

Never stop smiling, Live together longer,

We would do as we are doing now, live and conquer,

Us against the world and not at each other,

Thank you for being the best team mate i could ever wish for,

Thank you for warming my heart up,

Thank you for making me smile and laugh so hard,

Thank you for making so many beautiful memories with me,

Thank you for helping me grow and learn,

Thank you for loving and holding me,

Thank you for staying with me,

I know how excited and happy and joyous i get at times,

Be it about seeing you again, Or hearing or seeing something amazing,

You continue to inspire and motivate me and make me sane,

I know some days are harder than others,

But nothing truly beats laying with you under the covers,

Stay strong my sunflower, for you will bloom again soon,

It's not easy living in our heads,

At least we have each other.

Four Words - Poem/lyrics original

Unable to sleep,

Unable to dream,

My silence haunts me,

Unable to move,

Unable to feel,

Is this really real,

Four words, you said to me,

Four words, they hurt me,

Four words, they cut me deeply,

Four words, they still haunt me,

The day was sunny, bright,

You were smiling, having the time of your life,

What went wrong, how did it go wrong?,

You said three words, which meant the world to me,

But now it's no longer true,

I'm cold, unable to warm up,

I'm numb, unable to get hurt,

I'm silent now, a ghost set to haunt,

I'm transparent and paralysed,

I'm dying on the inside,

Four words, you said to me,

Four words, they hurt me,

Four words, they cut me deeply

Four words, oh how they haunt me.

written 24/5/20

Mental Health Awareness poem

You don't want to know how i feel,

You don't want to know the truth of my mental health,

It's not a good thing for either of us,

In this mad world, no one cares unless you are pretty or dying,

Society is cruel to those too smart for their own heads,

I've been pushed, shoved, beaten, broken, scarred, left for dead,

I've considered ending my life and how easier it would be if i was stateside,

I've lied for years telling everyone "i'm ok" when i'm dying on the inside,

It's easier to say i'm ok rather than say i'm not,

Pretending for so long was something i thought was impossible,

How to actually feel i kinda forgot,

Ever been terrified that trying your hardest would not be enough?, 

I'm so fucking tired, I've thought too much, help me,

If this life does not kill you, the emptiness and loneliness will,

I put on a happy face every day i wake up and embrace the sun,

As my heart beats irregularly depressingly, 

My addiction is escaping reality, to see all of life's possibilities,

Life is strange and i'm lost with no direction in sight, 

The world for myself is right now in such blight,

I've lost who i am or supposed to be,

I've thought about the medical pills but never had the courage to act,

Demons on my mind, demons in my mind,

They feed me lies and insecurities,

They get me to listen and to obey them so much easier than the self love in my brain,

Those same monsters in my head are scarier than the monsters who hide under the bed,

I'm not good with feelings despite people proclaiming me to be a wordsmith,

I care too much and i wish i did not,

When i'm low there's no where to go,

Do you care that i hurt, Do you know how much i cry,

Do you wanna know a secret?, Know why? Neither do i,

I've torn my hair out of my scalp,

I've stressed so much and had palpitations,

I've suffered a panic attack in public space,

Forever I've felt alone sitting at home inside my own head,

I've always said and felt even through my darkest days that i have a fire burning,

I want to preserve that fire and keep it burning for always,

I need help sometimes to get back up and on my feet again,

It's hard to go to others when you don't even know how you are feeling,

I've felt awkward and uncomfortable with hugs and praises and shown love,

When really there's a part in my brain that gets unblocked and feels warm after a hug,

I've had no choice but continue going on down this road,

Hope is almost always on the horizon, 

I've often been the hope walking down the road,

My strength is unparalleled, that still does not mean i can break easily,

It's a challenge trying to stay strong all the time, 

I'll always blame myself for all the wrongs,

This is how i am, who i have been.

Triggered - Poem/Lyrics original

With shoulders tensed, anger swells,
My hands shake, tremendously,
I have the urge, the urge to strike,
Such mighty need, will i fulfil it,
What will it take, to tear the anger apart,

Triggered, again by insecurities,
Triggered, again by jealousy,
Triggered, again by over expecting,
Triggered, again by withholding
Triggered, by how i am feeling,

With gut at unease, rage soars,
My blood is pumping, exceptionally,
Hands clenched, knuckles crack,
What's the first thing to get smacked,

Triggered, again by insecurities,
Triggered, again by envy,
Triggered, again by past,
Triggered, unable to cope

With the room spinning,
My ears start ringing,
The eyes are blacking out,
No one is safe, not even myself,
Am i becoming a monster,
Am i becoming that which i am not,

Triggered, The rage consumes my skin,
Triggered, I'm burning from within,
Triggered, My body is trembling,
Triggered, Blackouts causing memory gaps,

Forgive me for i have sinned,
I lost control, I became that which i promised i am not,
I controlled, i obsessed, i stepped out of line,
Boundaries were crossed, Lives were at risk,
Mentally unsafe, triggered, now i plead insanity.

Had my Tarot Cards read

Had a tarot card reading it was quite interesting. 

Cards i had were;

1: Wheel Of Fortune

2: Chariot

3: Devil

4: Sun

5: Hierophant 

6: Death

It said the cards rep different things so 1 is how i feel, 2 is what i want most, 3 is my fears, 4 is whats going good for me, 5 is whats against me and 6 is outcome to current situation. 

Basically they told me good luck is coming, success is coming, i should have self confidence to change my current projectory, 4 is feeling confident and full of vitality, is i need to accept who i am and 6 is about a fresh start.

This is all gathered and taken from this website: https://www.free-tarot-reading.net/readings/174036263

I have been wanting to have my Tarot read and so i decided to try and i went to a few site but found this one to be pretty good. 

Sleepless Nights & Tired Eyes (original poem) by Scott Jones

Sleepless nights and tired eyes,

Screams of hunger in the middle of the night,

Cries of changing, keep me ever so on guard,

I try to silence them for you to get your rest,

We created a beautiful being,

You pushed and kept giving but they were no longer comfy in their cell,

They impatiently made us wait 9 months to arrive into our lives,

And how thankful and happy we are now,

As we hold hands bearing witness to our blessing of life,

To see the product of half of my life and half of yours in a single being,

The tale of equivalent exchange we heard a long time ago,

The best stories always stick with us,

I am so happy to have been blessed with such amazing people,

Those who stuck by my side through the thick and thin,

To my wife who has helped bandage up my mortal wounds,

To my child who has the light of hope inside them to carry on,

For my family who raised me with kindness and respect and love,

To my friends who have been there when i had none of that which i have now,

I thank you all for following me, it's a tough old life,

I hope we can all sit around a table when we are old and grey and look back,

Hopefully we can all smile and say we made it,

Dearest darling wife and i will be happily sat in our homes at 90 smiling,

Surrounded by our children and their children,

Oh such happy times and many rainbows all to come,

We have endured such storms and we'll all endure many more,

We will all survive and live happily ever after.....

Note To Self

Remember how relaxed and at peace you are right now. Remember your body unintentionally tenses up as you hold things in so does your body. 

Be gentle, take your time, let it all out, don't let things fester, let that feeling of being so alive hit you and roll with you. 

Experience it remember all that you did and said to get you back to this crazy sensation. 

Remember how light you feel now that your shoulders and mind is not tensed or stuck on anything bad or holding your feelings in. 

Holding in your feelings and emotions does so much harm internally and externally in the long run and it does not all come out as you intend it to and you can hurt others but holding so much in and releasing it so raw and wrongly. 

Take it slow, relax more, be more mindful, practice what you preach, let go of all that holds you back. Don't chase those who don't have efforts in for you, don't concern yourself with those who do not make you a priority or don't stand by your side in hours of need. 

Relax.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Relax.......take in your surroundings.

Take in all the love and positive energies that are in your life.

Be calm. 

Goku Motivating Gohan

What's draining your strength is your own self doubt, just don't give in, don't give up and don't listen to it! 

Will you stop attacking yourself! I don't know where you got it in your head that there's something wrong with you because there's not!

Sometimes life's just too uncertain to have regrets. Listen to me; you have a power hidden within you which no one else can fathom! I know you can do this, trust yourself, dig deep and hang in there! 

How many TV shows have you seen? FB Challenge

You never realise how much/little TV you watch until you fill out a list. Put a :) by the shows of which you have watched more than 10 episodes.

I got 18/100 

How about you?

1. Grey's Anatomy:
2. Stranger Things: :)
3. The Vampire Diaries:
4. The Walking Dead: :)
5. Fear The Walking Dead: :)
6. Dexter:
7. American Horror Story:
8. Orange is the New Black: :)
9. A Million Little Things:
10. This is Us:
11. The Simpsons: :)
12. New Amsterdam:
13. Manifest:
14. How To Get Away With Murder:
15. Breaking Bad: :)
16. Sons of Anarchy:
17. Scandal:
18. Riverdale:
19. The Good Doctor:
20. House of Cards:
21. Once Upon a Time:
22. House:
23. True Detective:
24. Dr. Pimple Popper:
25. Power:
26. Empire:
27. One Tree Hill:
28. Supernatural:
29. Family Guy: :)
30. Santa Clarita Diet:
31. Shameless: :)
32. Pretty Little Liars:
33. Secret Life of an American Teenager:
34. Bones:
35. Criminal Minds:
36. The 100:
37. Chicago Fire:
38. Chicago Med:
39. The Resident:
40. Game of Thrones: :)
41. The Big Bang Theory: :)
42. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia:
43. Lost:
44. The Sopranos:
45. NCIS:
46. NCIS Los Angeles:
47. NCIS New Orleans:
48. Law & Order SVU:
49. Gossip Girl:
50. How I Met Your Mother: :)
51. Blue Bloods:
52. Two Broke Girls: :)
53. The Office:
54. Blacklist:
55. Full House:
56. Fuller House:
57. Downton Abbey:
58. Hawaii Five-O:
59. Big Mouth:
60. Last Man Standing:
61. Six Feet Under:
62. Wentworth:
63. Friends: :)
64. That 70s Show:
65. Girlfriends Guide to Divorce:
66. Heartland:
67. All-American:
68. Greek:
69. Yellowstone:
70. Better Call Saul: :)
71. You:
72. Rescue Me:
73. Scrubs: :)
74. Community:
75. Letterkenny:
76. Kitchen nightmares:
77. The Masked singer:
78. Robot Chicken: :)
79. Vikings:
80. Mind Hunters:
81. New Girl:
82. The Good Place:
83. Black Mirror:
83. Lucifer:
84. Peaky Blinders:
85. iZombie: :)
86. Parks and Rec:
87. Brooklyn 99:
88. Handmaid's Tale:
89. Modern Family:
90. Smallville:
91. Seinfeld:
92. Gilmore Girls:
93. Charmed:
94. Private Practice:
95. Lost Girl:
96. True Blood:
97. Roswell:
98. Haven:
99. Mad Men:
100. Arrow: :)