I'm Sick Of It All

I'm sick of losing my motivation, I'm sick of losing my inspiration, I'm sick of being told what to do, I'm sick of being told I'm not good enough, I'm sick of people making assumptions based on my weight or words I say at interviews today.

I try and try and try my hardest to learn about companies before I apply and prune my CV to make sure I fit the criteria, if I didn't then why would I have applied? I am sick of being overlooked, you sit there silently listening to all my nervous thoughts and words knowing that within the first 2 seconds you have already deemed me not for you because I'm tall and fat and because you won't hire me because I'm older than the other applicants. Yes, you will pay me more, but you get experience, punctuality, dedication and hard work. Some of these youngsters you companies go out and hire quit after a week or cause you headaches because you got to pour so much training and development into them, when someone who has experience takes less time. It's cruel, and you all think you are smart by not publicly saying the issues you have with me, but I know the issues are deeper down than just "oh we had too many applications at this time" or the other usual copy and paste bullshit "you did not match the criteria at this time please try again in another 6 months". They say they will explain more on why you were unsuccessful, but they never reply, these crafty fuckers couldn't even look me in the eyes during an interview, so why would they even give me some Constructive feedback? It's not in their interests or fake smiling kind hearts. Lies and bullshit over and over rinse and repeat the process. 

If I miss your call please leave me a message at the tone and let me know your number, and when is the best time to call you back? I'm sick of people calling me when I'm driving or in work and then not leaving a number or message on who it is and what the call is regarding. Not everyone is a mind reader and not everyone is able to answer the phone 24/7!

How's a man supposed to live with £100 a week? This shit is worse than the job centre but to be fair the shit I do is more satisfying than what the job centre would have me do. Plus if you don't lie down and be a good dog the government run job centre will punish you and stop paying you for months because of their stupid little beliefs. If a dog stands up they piss themselves and call over Roider Roger on security to take you down for a beating and then the job centre "advisor" will piss upon your damaged soul and announce that your payments have been put on hold. They then pawn you off to be on the phone for 12 hours on hold listening to William overtell on repeat while they then answer with no sympathy to tell you that your claim will be talked about during a civil meeting, but it's never civil, nothing job centre wise is, it's just "sit here and listen and obey us you filthy mutt because we are in the right, and you are wrong!" Thanks, Shelly, you have been a most helpful cunt, you have actually helped me find the clitoris because you are one massive walking talking one.

You slave and slave 6/8/12/15 hours a day of your life to someone and swear loyalty and break your ass and your jaw being paid minimum, but everyone can see that you do so much more. The people you serve will laugh and smile and say "oh I bet the perks are nice" no they are mediocre at best, I just want money and hours not pain and 15% off. They will all boast and say "our team is the best" taking all the credit and double the money the team should make. You got other managers saying "hey team we are going to reward your handwork" and you get excited and wait on bated breath, only to be told "we got 3 medium pizzas for all the team, for your efforts" Gee thanks I can pay off my bills now that I have had a slice of Ham & Cheese Za.

You could be having a good day when Karen and Kyle and their group of runaway bandits walk in and terrorize the place and all the staff members. Karen will demand to see the manager when she does not get things her way and Kyle will threaten to hit you and throw his drink or food all over the floor while he pickpockets items in the queue. Karen the only manager you will be seeing is black eye mcgee lovely. Kyle stop being a melt ya filthy Carrot and take away your foster home for imaginary kids outta here before they go up for adoption.

Do this and do that, cheers Robyn I already am if you would kindly open your eyes and see, you Brussel sprout. "You should be out of the house by now and in your own home with your own family by this age" Cheers Daaaad, but the government has made that dream an IMPOSSIBILITY!

The government needs to fuck up. They are again culling old and vulnerable people and families of all ages because they allow the greed of companies to succeed because they get a cut, so their pockets are lined up, and they can now buy a new home from money they stole. These filthy greedy wanking gas and energy companies are all laughing and smugly shouting out to the world that "we have to make killer profits!" yeah you have by killing and robbing people, and now you are laughing and proudly yelling about it, go get fucked in the ass and jump off a bridge into the hardest fucking rocks on Earth.

"Wah waah this actor said something that's not nice" Learn to take a joke and note how times have changed and how so can people you stupid vegetable. John Wayne has been dead for 50 years grow up and leave him and his remaining family alone.

I can be a determined machine when all my gears are lined up and going physically and mentally, but if I'm tired or hurt I slip up, and it takes time to get those gears turning again which halts my breakthroughs and progress, and it's a shame, and I am sick of it happening.

I'm sick of people not understanding. All I want is support and be understood, and a hug does not harm either. Give me a chance. Help me out. Give me tips, show me a better way to get a new job, to not be nervous for interviews. I'm overdue my break. Please.

Late Night Ramblin's Vol 5: The Problematic Mind

It's 4:35am as of writing on the 23/8/18. I won't bother editing this, i will make mistakes grammatically i know but who care's im sure you will understand me and if you want me to correct it, tell me because right now i am tired and full of worry. 

I have problems........

There I said it. I have money, car, long sighted, mathematical, grammatical, social, sleeping, thinking, you name it i have problems. We all do!

At the moment i seem to be bleeding money from my car problems which in turn is making my money go down which causes money problems which causes stress, depression, just overall emotional and personal problems for me. 

How do i escape this? 

Work more? I work what i am given, occasionally if i have no plans and time i will cover. I have applied for more work elsewhere, part time, full time, temp, apprenticeships you name it. Any one got back to me with anything? Nope just decline after decline after decline. When all i want in life is victory after victory after victory after victory just like EC3. 

Why not get paid to write? 

If someone can point me in the right direction i am more than happy to do it. 

Eat less and exercise more?

Valid points but i dont want to starve myself and exercising is hard my mentality is not set to do it, i need to be on that autodrive and motivated and inspired but my brain most of the time is not but when it is, it's like a feeling an emotion a drive to do it but mainly i need someone with me i dont like going to the gym alone and i know i did it alone for a while a few months back but of course like i explained before i became sick, had more work on and less time to do it so i dropped it and ended up losing my gym card which put me behind so much more so i could not go to the gym with out my card i know so annoying. 

Cut out non essentials and sell things you no longer have need for?

Very valid points of course i am making my way onto that. 

Is Karma my problem?

The very problem with problems is the fact they never come alone, they come in clusters of them. When you find one there's another and another but oh look over there, yep its another and sometimes dealing with them can sprout more too! Never ending vicious cycle it seems. That's life as Sinatra would say, but why do we have to suffer them? I've heard it all before problems make a man. I need the nonjudgmental, the helpful, the caring, the lovable people in my life to come forward, help me. I'm struggling. My worries are getting too much. I think of only the worse. If this is a way of Karma well what have i done? Sure i have said nasty things in the past and done some as a kid for sure everyone has kids feel no consequences to their actions or words is all and if its because of that why karma chooses to hit at me so hard then come on just go wild karma or better yet stop and restore all karma. 

I complain and talk about the negatives of myself and life so much i know and i can only offer my apologies there. What else am i to do?

Happy Brain, Happy Life! 

This is what i need to achieve, i need that peace of mind, where i am not a panicky pete or worry hound dog 24/7 im not really living doing this, i need help motivation advice anything i can get to push me into the right direction! 

If anyone can help me out with links to motivate me to do things or stories or advice tips etc do let me know! 

If you feel the same as me and going through the motions just like me, don't worry you are not alone!

Lost my direction/Depressing post

I will admit it.

I will admit weakness.

I admit people laugh and joke about me.

The people closest to me make me feel the furthest from them.

They laugh at what i do.

It hurts they may not see that and i may not always show it but it hurts.

From my brother joking laughing about me taking photo's.

To other family members calling me names or to question and questioning my sexuality due to myself not having a girlfriend or kids yet. 

Photo's is where i think i will start.

I see others taking photo's and it's looking better than mine more HD and pixels with watermarks and good lighting. People commenting they love it all the time.

While i get nothing on mine. It does sadden me.

Makes me question.

Why do i take photo's for, when others are better than me?

Why?

It's hard to feel depressed or continue to be sad listening to Glorious Bobby Roode WWE NXT THEME. Will continue later maybe.

Girls are so picky though. 

Annoying with no real expectations just out of this world high as fuck expectations they have. 

Being shy not knowing many girls and not being that godly expectation in terms of looks women want is why i do not have a girlfriend as of writing. 

It's annoying how girls on dating sites say they want muscled guys with beards and tattoo sleeves uh hello not every man is like that for fuck sake and if you want to date a channing tatum just get a poster and a dildo and have fun or watch magic mike and still get a dildo and go have some fucking fun. 

There has been loves and there has been girlfriends in the past but it's been years.

Fact most if not all of my friends have girlfriends is also quite sad since everyone is off having the time of their lives and i am here left behind on a lot of times, i don't mind nor care they have their own lives but you know i wish i had what they had if that makes sense?

It sucks being a bigger man than most.

Hard time finding clothes i like and want to wear and that are affordable.

I had a new xmas job and i can not help but to think i was not deserving or good enough for it and maybe thats why i was not kept on after xmas.

I'm panicking and worrying too much.

Money. It's always over money. 

Sleep i don't get much. 

4-6 Is my best.

When i get too much sleep i hate it and myself. 

When i get little sleep i hate myself and am a grouch. 

If i have 8 hours sleep i feel it was not enough. 

So i have lost my direction, my drive, to do the things i liked or like at this moment in time, i hope normal service returns soon

Can't be having me moping around or laying down even if the drs said i need to rest my foot more since i have injured it. 

Urgh.

Hope you are having a lovely time.

Thanks for the concerns.

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And for all the support it means a lot and i appreciate everyone of you. 

KEEP SENDING ME SUGGESTIONS FOR LISTS OR TOPICS TO DISCUSS! 

Thanks for reading, see you soon. 

Scott.