Alri?
***F.Y.I. - So this blog post i have been debating on publishing it or not for the past few days now because i open up more into myself with my past,my life and of some serious issues and these issues these experiences i have decided to weigh in on with my experience and dealings with them and i hope you the reader,reading this understands and takes in consideration how tough it was for me to type and open up a lot more than i very rarely do. I also hope this blog post and my experience's help you through any pain or depression state you maybe in at the moment. You know through my debating my good american friend Annika has really helped me and opened my eyes and not just on my decision of posting this but on a lot of things in the past since i have known her and since we have become friends,so a special shoutout and mention to her! I hope you take good care of yourselves my friends,family and metalgods and now do me the honors of reading on, yes? :) ***End of F.Y.I***
How's it hanging? Hanging low? Not bad.....what your hanging too low? Well that happens as people age HAHA and hey you,just a heads up don't expect many jokes here today in my blog and i do apologise for it.
So Scott,what are you going to rant and comment on today? Oh that's a good question i will let you know below. So today i get serious and emotional in writing and discussing.
*******STOP! BEFORE YOU CARRY ON, I HAVE TO SAY, I HAVE NOT TOLD ANYONE MUCH ABOUT ALL THIS OF WHAT GOES ON IN MY HEAD ETC SO TAKE IT INTO CONSIDERATION AND READ CAREFULLY NOW!**********
Pain & Depression - Lets start with Pain. We all like it yes? No? Yes, you are right of course we hate it but pain is a very valuable big part of our lives we will all suffer pain in our lives at some point. From things like relationship break ups,passing of someone we know to hurting our selves. We feel pain physically and mentally heck i would say emotionally too but i will wrap that into mental pain. The greatest teacher we will have is pain, we all must be taught it but we must not be schooled by it. Pain and overcoming it defines who we are as people individually. These scars you see are lessons that have left their mark on me,to remind me that i am still alive,that i am human. You know talking of scars and pain and cuts and marks, my dad always shows me a cut or scratch or worse when he has been hurt and tells me how it happened to him, how he got hurt and a scratch or cut no matter how big or small or accident or not,i think it is just to show me that the man who brought me into this world is not immortal and that he does get hurt. I love the man to bits i may not show it or tell him but i hope he knows that i do. Pain is a natural part of life as i said and to me it reminds me that i am alive and human and i am getting pretty emotional right now (I KNOW RIGHT!?) sorry about that. You know i was born into life with a broken foot, a clubbed foot really and through my childhood i suffered with it and had continues work and operations to get it fixed and its better than ever today although still a bit clubbed but i got the scar on my foot for life and of course, i went through pain with my foot for years. As a child and a baby i could never crawl or walk right until i was roughly 3/4 years old because of how fucked my foot was. I used to shuffle across the floor on my butt as a baby until i could actually walk right. I have had specially made shoes for years for my foot,i have had crutches,zimmer frames and wheel chairs to use while my foot was healing but as i said its all good now and the scar remains and i have the metal plate that was in my foot out and in a jar on my shelf and it serves as a reminder of what i have been through in order to fix a broken part of me. Life welcomed me in by telling me the safety and comfort you had in the womb is gone and welcome to life, live it for as long as you can,do what you want but always remember through pain,there is a lesson to be learned,you must remember your limits and that you are human,it is normal to feel pain. I have felt a lot of pain in life i try to keep in my emotions to myself and you know what it is not right at all but i have this pain then of over thinking and just putting myself down by telling myself "no one cares for what you feel or say or are going through or have been through" that is wrong,it really fucking is! Its frustrating me right now! I always put on a fake smile,i am an emotional sensitive guy, i'd say its quite easy to make me cry. To be completely honest, i care to much for my friends and family and not myself too. I take care of myself last,if a friend is in pain or upset guess what so am i! My friend one of my best friends Louis recently broke up with his girlfriend and he and his gf were so close and a cute couple it upset me when he broke the news to me that she had dumped him, i felt so sorry for him and i was there trying to pick him up,that's what i do for all of my friends who are in any pain i try to help them get back up and i don't stop until they are! Any of my friends reading this right now first of all hi! and i shall always be here for a chat anytime,place,day,year etc. Of course i hope they already know that but people need to be reminded and also need to know that i want to help them as much as i can. Pain does a lot for us in life and the mental pain is the long lasting unseen pain we have to experience but take my word for it right now. PAIN DOES END! Pain changes people,to be stronger. Pain is just weakness leaving our bodies. Pain is there reminding us we are human,we are not immortal,we are better than it and we will recover and get over it. I have felt pain more than once in both ways as well as being depressed.
Now lets move to depression and well my experience with it. In the year 2012 things were worrying me a lot as it was supposed to be the last year of the world in aztec culture you know so we had the internet and news full of doom and gloom reports of the world ending soon so that was playing to my mind you know, what if this year is the end etc and it was no way to live and think constantly and what not and i was at the time working in a work experience placement that was an insurance company. Its a lovely company the people there are all funny and lovely too but what got me to become depressed that year aswell as the impending end of the world was the fact everyone there was older than me and i to be honest think i had a breakdown of a panic attack i was doing the same thing every day,same time,different day,same place,different clothes you know where i am going. Anyway i looked around myself and seen everyone in the office as they are older than me and a colleague was helping me with a spreadsheet and his hand was on the desk and i just looked at it stared at it what felt ages and then i looked at my hands and it just hit me really fast right on my head and got me overthinking. I am getting older. i am going to be old. I AM GOING TO DIE! That was the point my breathing was getting faster i started to panic i excused myself calmly and went to the toilet to try and calm down by soaking myself with water and telling myself its all ok and things will be better and i was over reacting so 5/10 mins later i emerged and went back to my desk no one asked a thing about me and then it was the end of the day of course end of the world,aging and death were on my mind on a bus ride home and it was getting me worked up so much but know what pushed me off the edge? Seeing a plane in the sky (of course) and imagining myself parachuting and that was it,i was sat on the back of the bus just panicking to myself sweating, i kept it all in,all in my mind this was going off it was a set of mini bomb explosions just making me sweat breath faster and just the sheer level of overthinking was too much and just of shit i am going to get old and die some day,what happens when we die? what would i rather do be cremated or buried? and so on i wont go to much into it because still thoughts of death and what's next and stuff still gets me to over think and a lil upset,see i told you i was an emotional sensitive guy. However my depression lasted 3 months and boy it was no fun or no walk in the park,i would act around people normal but on the inside i would be destroying myself overthinking of all the things i mentioned and now by the way through my life i have had these little what if scenarios in my mind before i try or do or go somewhere that also have frightened me and put me off a lot of things in this life. Depression for me was feeling extremely lonely when i wasn't to feeling burned out which was a form of laziness and anti-social so i would be like purposely avoiding people because i didn't want to get any thoughts and ideas to make me dwell deeper into sadness and bring anyone down with me,i kept things on the inside because it felt safe when really looking back on it,it was a stupid thing to have done, i should have talked to people about it but i was afraid people would not take me seriously. It made me see no point in living of which i had contemplated suicide but i did not go through with anything at all because i was stronger than the thoughts, i thought to myself it would be messed up and sad and i was better than that and i will beat what has a hold of me and i did beat it,it took 3 months but i did beat it, it took me hanging out with my friends more so i can get distracted and get my mind off it and onto better things like giving myself a purpose to keep on fighting and what caused me to break free from depression you may ask? A night out with my best friend James and his gf to a nightclub and to have drinks,enjoy the company,the night,music and our surroundings and also being hit on by some random girl of which i ended up dancing with, nope i didn't get her number and she also never did add me on facebook or follow me on twitter but its her fucking loss,she didn't want this legend that's her problem,the day after that night out i felt alive again and it was a good feeling and i was actually up and atom doing things with my head out of the clouds free from the rain.
God that was a bit tough to get out of my system to remember back and to talk well type about but something i have discovered during my depression is writing about it did help and writing about other things,just writing is such an awesome thing to do to get your head away from your troubles and to be teleported into a world of creativity to write what ever you want. I wrote many lyrics and stories in that time some not good others good haha its just the way it goes really (genuinely smiling now like). You dont really need tablets to get over depression you need the right environment and family and friends also music helps too, you don't need to harm yourself to escape pain and depression you need to vent about your troubles or write about them ok please if you are suffering right now take care of yourself,see your friends and family talk to someone and write about it, you are not alone! REMEMBER! If you ever feel in pain,depressed,angry,lonely do not be afraid to talk about it. Be it physical or mental or to yourself,a family member or friend, always talk about it or do something creative like write about it. Write about what you feel and why you are in pain and write about why you will over come it. Pain does end,you are stronger than pain,you are not immortal but you are strong and a beautiful brilliant human being and for that i respect you dearly my friend.
That is all i have today for you,its been a emotional serious topic and discussion but i thought, i would splatter my brains on the canvas or keyboard or rather my laptop screen and its pretty hard for me to talk of what i feel really in person or otherwise haha
Hey! I got an idea to lighten things up I shall name two famous people who I think would give bad advice to you. Gene Simmons for his infamous rants on depressed people and Shia Lebouf for his just do it videos all because if say you were thinking of self harming Shia well he will no doubt tell you his two famous motivational words. So that's all from me tonight for this blog entry.
No idea who reads this or I will show it to but I hope you think of no different of me. Thanks for getting this far and reading my blog entries as ever.
Update: I am booked in for a tattoo next month (august) and well i am a lil nervous but i will go through with it,i am having "cfh" on my lower leg near my ankle its a pantera logo standing for cowboys from hell,pantera are my fave band and its nothing big or flashy for a first tat,i expect pain and yeah its nerve racking already thinking of it haha
Again thanks for reading normal schedule resumes in a few days :)
