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I haven't felt like this in a long time, something is happening, something strange, no one could have predicted, my heart I feel it growing, I feel it beating and warming. It's beats are faster than normal, my mind is a full tank, swimming with someone.
For someone who I've barely known and who I didn't speak or see for years to suddenly explode back into the scene for me and make me feel alive, it's extraordinary. I have thought of you on and off for years, this person would pop up as notifications "likes your photo", "likes your post". I always looked at her page and smiled, thinking and knowing she be doing well and i would hope she would be happy. Now as my phone pings, I get excited, hoping it's her, to see her name on the top of my screen, excitement builds.
When she is not doing well or has to hide away for hours, I grow so worried. She was out the other night and I didn't know what to do with myself after a while as I felt worried and anxious about her being safe when she was out and I didn't want anyone to hurt her or or anything horrible or upsetting to happen to her. I was trying to keep busy because I know what kind of woman she is and she's strong and smart to know what to do if there's trouble or something is up. That nervous anxious feeling was surreal to me. Wow I was taken back, "I really care about her, don't I?" I would say to myself as my smile grew. My smile grows and grows and so does my smirk when she pops to mind or whenever I hear her name or see her name. This excitement is out of this world, it's then I really knew how much I cared about her and how I really felt about her.
How can one person suddenly show up and hold your hand and actually sit with you and ask how you are and more, when you just don't expect it? To have someone suddenly appear and actually care is a miracle and a blessing. My gut tells me this is meant for me and meant to be because it's always been her even when I didn't know it. Even when she and I had been in different worlds yet we only lived 5 to 10mins away from eachother. These be the emotions I feel and what my head, heart and gut tell me. Having someone so special in your life who wants to talk to you every day because they find you so interesting and love the sound of your voice and that she shows me I'm worth her time and attention it's honestly the best feeling.
Who knew complimenting a Xmas tree would be the best thing I ever did?! For years I wanted to message her and I was scared, of rejection, worried about any awkwardness I could cause. We knew eachother briefly years ago and we both thought we were so lovely. I honestly thought she was this cute, little, dwtty, kind, lady who was hard working and thoughtful. She probably thought of me as a big friendly giant at the time and you know she'd be right as I still am that.
Getting to know her and her values and intentions is the best thing, I've been doing on a daily basis. It makes me respect and admire her and more. This ain't a crush, it's more, that I know for sure.
Do you ever feel like someone feels like home? Ever feel as if the missing puzzle was around you or rather right in front of you this whole time? You ever wish you could go back and show up to someone's door with the knowledge you have now and choose a different path? You ever think this was the path that was always meant to be walked down but you got lost along the way? Whatever questions I can ponder, my heart it whispers her name to all of those questions as if it knows that's the answers I been waiting for.
I know someone special, i know I see a lot possible with that person. I know what I want and what I want is her happiness. I want my own happiness also and I can get that from my focus on myself, achieving my goals, continuing to learn and evolve and continuingly on past my limits. However I can also gain happiness past my own by seeing her happy and succeed and further grow into this marvellous, smart and gorgeous woman she is today. It also would be the cherry on top to have her as a permanent figure in my life.
I cannot wait to take her away to incredible places and have so many dates with her and treat her to what she deserves and show her true love and relationship is like. I can't wait to make her laugh every day and fall asleep next to her. I can't wait to hold her. I cannot wait for all these things and more with her. It's her only her, only ever will be her. I'd happily exchange half of my life for half of hers and I would give a part of me to her, to save her life if ever needed. She inspires me to work harder and she understands me and anything I've been hurt with she's listened and understood and without thinking help me with any emotional past bandages or plasters I needed. I'm always impressed by the silly faces she pulls and all of her hard work and achievements. Her style and sense of fashion is truly remarkable and stunning and I love it, she pulls any outfit off with ease and grace, looking so dreamy and hot. I crave her next to me for the simplest of things, a hand hold, a staring contest, a cwtch, a cuddle and even to just sit or lay in silence admiring her. She's the best part of my day.
This is all I think and feel about her, from the start to right now. I hope she knows all this and more. I can't wait for that right time to open up and she dares say "let's go" to me or "let's do this". I don't want to ever push her away or pressure her, I want to make her comfortable and take away any pain, stress, anxiety and sadness. It's important to me that she feels happy, relaxed and loved. I've made a promise to her and I'll always stick by it. I really fancy this woman, she's dreamy in a lot of ways from her personality, eyes, lips, body, hair, nose and ears and all of her every single fibre of her being. From the way her eyes look to her cheeky grins and adorable voice and video/voice messages, to the way she scrunches her lips and pushes a bottle of Dr pepper into her face to crease it ever so delicately. She deserves unconditional love and I plan to give her that.
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Please keep me forever alive, in some form or fashion. Preserve my tattoos. Keep them safe, I paid good money for those.
Log into my social media and announce the sad news and update my pages. Keep them alive. Think of me and my work in blogging and content creating on tiktok and YouTube.
Publish any drafts. Finish any videos on my playstation or memory sticks. Please complete any of my games for me. Do something in my memory set something up.
Hopefully I made a Spotify playlist to be made available for play at the wake and funeral.
To my friends, I love you all please be safe and keep my memory strong. Do something I'd do every single day! If any of my friends has a baby boy please put my name in there somewhere carry my name on.
To my Mrs, I love you so much, I wish to be holding you in my arms forever and kissing those gorgeous delicate lips for eternity. Have what you want or need of me, keep a piece of me forever with you in some form or fashion and if we have kids please just keep them and yourself safe. Daddy loves you all.
I don't want to go. I don't want to leave you all. Hopefully people are waiting to see me and remember me in the world of heaven or Valhalla or both, why don't I venture between the realms? Haha. If anyone I don't like or who is fake to me shows up at my funeral, I will haunt you.
Hopefully I don't leave the world until I'm 1000 years old, hopefully I'll have children and great ones and great great ones and so on. Hopefully I'll have a son and daughter who will love me and adore me and will carry on my legacy and dreams with them.
