The Signs Are There

Many signs appeared whilst I was talking and falling madly in love with this amazing woman, my Elli. There's been posts online, there's been music playing and thoughts and dreams. She has had my heart for a while. It took me a long time to talk with her, and took me a short amount of time for me to fall in love with her. I was afraid and anxious to love again, to allow myself, but she made it so effortless and easy for me to fall, she was herself, she was caring, accepting, loving. She gave me comfort and peace with her arms and soul. There were times I was talking to her, and she'd do something or say something, and I'd feel my heart race and my brain melt, and I was just holding back my mouth from saying "I love you" and the first time I said it to her, I felt so flustered, and my head was like "Oh my god what did you say? Why did you let that come out, what if she doesn't feel the" and she replied with a cute red face "I love you too". I said I liked her, and she was like "Oh really, I couldn't tell" with that cute confident smirk on her face. It was a rush, it was so exhilarating, and it still is, and she still makes my heart race and mind melt by the things she says and does. She can look at me and just the whole world stops, and I get my breath taken away. I am really thankful and lucky and grateful for her. 

I always had a crush on her, she was always so lovely and smart and pretty. Getting to know her as a person better just opened up my eyes and increased the size of my heart because I love her and I want to share a life with her, that's why I've got to ask her out. I really want to be her man. She's the sprinkles to my doughnut.

I plan to ask her for valentine's unless some sort of perfect day happens and changes that for me. I miss her and can't wait to see her again in person and to hold her.

I was getting tired of trying of waiting on meeting someone and that I stopped looking. I was focused on myself, when we both appeared back into each other's lives. I have seen her in my workplace for the first time in years and I wanted to wrap my arms around her so much because she looked so troubled and upset, I didn't want to be awkward, and I was shy and that's why I didn't message or talk to her for years. I was shy and felt it to be awkward, or I'd be a bother. Little did I know that my overthinking mind was so wrong.....

I thought the "love" I had and had to give, and that mushy side was all dead and gone, I thought I had ripped it out and buried it and left it for dead because of my past hurt and trauma and to overcome it, I felt it was best to remove it and just focus on myself. The focus on myself has helped me become better and stronger, but this amazing woman has brought my lovey side back from the dead. We are genuine and beautiful souls, and we attracted one another. Soon was replaced by finally when we met in my workplace and when we snuck around. I can't wait for finally to be here again where we are free and open to do what we want and when we want.

We were far away from each other on my birthday, but we still made every effort to message. I always aim to spend my life with people who make me feel seen, heard, cared about and loved, and she makes me feel all that and more. She's done more in a month than anyone else has in my past. I stay patient and try my best to, despite how much I miss her and want to see her and need to see her all free and happy and just here with me.

I was strong in 2023, the strength opened my eyes. I'm coming back and getting my happiness this year, and I'm getting everything else I've wanted and more. 2020-2022 changed and broke me and left me scarred, afraid, sad and left me for dead. I'm so happy to have found myself and an amazing lady I can't wait to date and go on epic adventures with.

I just want to look after her, hold her, and give her everything she deserves and more and treat her like the best woman to ever exist and how I think she deserves to be treated and that's because, I love her, and she deserves the best and I always give the best and always plan to. I want to help her with anything and through anything. Furthermore, I want to grow with her and grow together and build a life we are happy and proud of. We both give each other a lot of time, effort, care, trust and love, and we make a great team and are determined to be each other's last in life and to have the bestest life together.

2019 In A Post

So this is the part where I join in on reflecting upon the past year and look forward to the future. 

Here goes!

2019 WAS.....AMAZING, SPECIAL, ONE OF A KIND, QUITE SOMETHING!

The year started like any other, hopeful and lonely, left wanting more...

Roll onto 13th January where i became boyfriend to Keira!

Man, have we had some amazing times and moments and made amazing memories together. 

We've gone away to New Quay to a wedding in Saltash. Got to known each others families very well.

Laughed ourselves silly all hours of the morning and night. 

Although my writing and social life has taken more of a back burner. 

I have been enjoying the couples life very much. 

Work and stress got to me ever so dangerously and almost cost me my job, lesson learnt! 

Still, i'm at my job of almost 3 years, this is my longest job ever!

Down times have been here at times from overthinking and worries to family being unwell to the loss of loved ones. Been hard at times but we made it!

I've met Mark Williams and Mick Foley! 

NEW year, NEW decade, it brings prosperous times and exciting ones too.

CHANGES ARE COMING! THEY MIGHT BE HAPPENING!

LIFE MAY NEVER BE THE SAME!

LESS NEGATIVE PEOPLE/THINGS! 

MORE HEALTHINESS! 

Strict diet and exercise and overall lifestyle changes to be implemented. 

So yeah thats 2019 in a basic nutshell, I hope you have also had a lovely year too. 

Have a happy new year, see you soon, stay shiny! 

Random Ramblin's - Part 11 - What now?

Alri?

So what's up? You doing ok?

That time again where i blog shit and just talk about whats fresh and new and just whats been going on for me in my life and annoying me or what ever else comes to mind because its unhealthy keeping it all in. This has been in writing for 3 weeks by the way so yeah a lot of shit has gone on haha.

I own a recurve bow now. Yes i am becoming robin hood haha nah in all seriousness its a junior 20lb bow and i got 8 arrows and some other stuff with it and well since i been watching Arrow its made me go "Yeah i want to try this" not the whole be a superhero part though although it would be kick ass but i digress. I had a practice of it today took 4 arrows with me and yes good stuff just lost 1 arrow aswell and my best distance i was hitting this target i took with me,which was a cardboard box was about 10 meters away or so i just took a good few steps back and just aimed pulled and released and to no surprise i missed a lot! I hung in there however and i did hit the box 3 times which went straight through the box so you know obviously some power there to em. I like it,pretty fun to be honest.

According to my facebook i have watched to this point a total of 862 films! THAT IS INSANE! I only watch loads of films at work though because it passes the time of 15 hour shifts that i do and you cant expect me to sit there do nothing i gotta keep entertained. ****UPDATE ITS OVER 1000 NOW!****

Some of my friends have finally been reading my blogs haha i am amazed but you know thanks. All that i say or type here is just thoughts from my mind and mostly ranting and just venting out the anger that i may have. My anger is gone i have none today really i did take a lot out on a punching bag today in the gym. Some people have done some mucking about with me today but i ended up just saying screw them and i went out for a few drinks and catch up with friends ah it was a nice night. I need more nice nights out instead of slaving over my xbox 360,ps3 and laptop tbh. Also some of my friends have recognized who i have talked about at bits aswell but its no secret as they were there at the house parties i mentioned haha If you do find you or someone you know in a blog of mine well don't take it personally but if you are offended well i dunno....people get pissed at each other all the time really its naturally you know and especially for friends i find sometimes friends being pissed at eachother can fuel a negative fire that burns your friendship to ashes and sometimes it just kinda makes things healthy as you can just talk about the problems you have and just sometimes slag each other off be it as a joke or not and you know things can be ok and fine. We all have friends who annoy us in one way or another or who makes us yell at them to shut up haha. Yes i can get annoying and shit i have no problem of you telling me and then me shutting myself up ok no problem. I cant help it. I also cant help the fact i get tongue tied sometimes or quite a bit i think thats sort of a confidence thing or some sorta shit like i have been doing it a lot more since i have had my job because well i dont see many people or talk to many i am normally on my own sat in a cabin for 12/15 hours and its boring yes i have to phone in hourly and stuff and plus its also due to technology taking over and everyone is used to talking in their minds and on blank white spaces so yeah and i guess spelling errors could be the text version of being tongue tied haha. Anyhoo yes if you see something that sounds like i am talking ill of you i mean it as well you did or said something that annoyed me so i had to rant about it and get it out of my system somewhere BUT if you want to make yourself an enemy of mine then please do as i have heard that you are not living unless your making enemies along the way so c'mon! make me live! XD

So my friend Lewis asked me a very good question today regarding my youtube and it was. "Scott why do you care so much about yt copyright?" and yeah i am questioning it myself now and my answer is probably because yes i want to be partnered but also i do not want any trouble you know say if a video i posted got copyrighted and some artist say if the copyright was from a song just seen it and decided to sue me well i would be over my head in shit creek and i do not want that at all so that would be my answer.

I hate depression. I am not depressed right now infact i am feeling good but its just depression is such a pain to go through you know. I been through it before i suffered it for a few months in 2012 as i said in a previous blog post yes i may not have shown it but my head was a minefield it was just you know messed up man and i wont go more into it now as i basically covered it in my earlier blog post i did a while back so yeah go see there for a longer in depth look and my experience.

This is a very tame blog post for me as i am normally ranty but as i said typing this at the moment i have been feeling good just because i had a nice day and yeah haha its odd for me to feel good or to smile but yeah thats what you get sometimes when the clouds over your head decide to take a break haha.

***********************Albums section**********************************************
So here is an all new feature where i will talk about what albums i am looking forward to and name some of my faves and most listened to at the moment.

My most Listened to albums at the moment:
Plasterscene: Head full of toys (E.P.) - Although this is not an album it is just a few songs a local band have and i got to say it is really great and addictive to listen to. I know the vocalist he is a good friend of mine and i just love the lyrics,the groovy bass and chilling guitar and pounding drums man! So great! One of the best local bands for me going at the moment. Is my opinion bias because i know one member? I dont think so but you be the judge and give them a listen :)

Slipknot: The Grey Chapter - I do not think i could get tired of this album after 6 years of waiting for a new album boy did it pay off! EVERYTHING IS PERFECT! I UTTERLY LOVE IT! The new members are great and as ever the classic things you expect from slipknot are all over the album with nods and tributes to their former bassist Paul Grey. I seen slipknot live for my first time this year on the uk tour and it was amazing. I was rocking so much and for so long and screaming my heart out or rather singing to everything they played but when they ended i felt it was so short it was just over so quick yes i know they played 17 songs which is a lot but i wanted a lot more haha but i loved it and i will happily go see them again!

Disturbed Asylum & Indestructible -  Yes i am a metal head haha Since Disturbed have come out of hiatus and put together a new album that's out very soon i have been on a mission to relisten to every single album til the release of immortalized and these two albums in particular are my favorites of the band.  I love all of disturbeds albums and songs and i love them all together you know? Its just soo good the stuff they produce.

Trivium - In waves & Vengence falls - Much like disturbed since Trivium have a new album out later this year i have been listening to their old albums a lot again. I love Trivium and i think their weakest albums are shogun and vengence falls but all their albums have good songs on and i love trivium despite not liking every album or song. Matt Heafy follows me on twitter aswell so you know i have much love for Trivium Scrote!

That is about it as far as albums i have been listening to a lot lately.

ALBUMS I AM LOOKING FORWARD FOR:

FFDP - Got your six
Trivium - Silence in the snow
Disturbed - Immortalized

I have also been listening to and watching a lot of Johnny Cash lately since i seen the walk the line film i liked him prior to seeing the film but i guess i appreciate him a lot more now you know. Great artist!

*******************Albums/Music section over****************************************

Results day - People have had their results and passes into uni today. Congrats and all that to em. I didn't have results I wanted but then again I also never had any dreams of going to uni etc. Well I did have a dream before I was in uni and had blue hair but that's about it hahaha I've learned a lot more since leaving school and im sure if I could resit my exams now that I would not get an A so you know haha i revised like mad but ofcourse when you have 3/4 exams in one day aswell as the environment your put in for exams its kinda pressuring and well makes you kinda panic and just not focus on all you've revised and so your memory just goes to mush. Anyway you cant let a piece of paper dictate how your life will go. You do that! You can expand and level up skills you have aswell as develop new ones schools miss bits that we should be taught. I've never used algebra since I finished school yet I've had to pay tax,insurance and vote? Which ones the least important subject there? Since I beat the school levels that very much felt like a prison,I have expanded and gained new skills aswell as done some awesome things and met some amazing people and gained new friends and yes for 2 years I was in no mans land just skint,jobless and unable to go out to do some wicked stuff with friends or buy things I wanted but then eventually I did gain a job which is shit but I've gained money a lot of it and you know had 2 cars and been to lots of shows and met people I never thought I'd even meet but I did it all. I am here still at my shit job and of course I want to do something that makes me happy and keeps me on my feet using all my skills and with a good fun environment and of course I will end up with what I want one day since I believe that's fate but before that people need to concentrate on the present and remember what they've done and learned and where they've come from because thinga could be way worse than they are. Keep your heads up. Its ok to feel defeated and sad now and then its the learning process of falling down we learn to get back up and we learn to climb that mountain and ride that bull long and hard until we are satisfied and mosey on. So whether you had good results or the bad just well done for coming this far and just aim high do things one bit at a time and you will reach your goals in no time. Be happy dont worry you did your best dust this off and stand back up. Thing's are brightening on the horizon.

Girl problems - 2 weeks ago i met this real nice girl on a dating site. (Yes i am on a dating site how sad yeah well what ever kid) Well we hit it off like a house on fire tbh have a lot in common and shit and you know she wanted to meet up then i said soon as i am free does she want to go out for a meal and she said "if she has money" i said yeah thats cool i just need a day off and let you know soon as and well yeah she was phoning me 1:30am when i was in work and we'd have a chat and man shes a minecraft freak haha No seriously i felt feelings for her and i got too attached because she said she was gonna go out last monday and so you know monday came and she was saying on her fb she was feeling sad so i sent her a message and it got seen but never got a replied so i was like "hmmm ok thats weird did i do something wrong?" and nope still not heard anything from her besides still having her on my facebook and yes she is active but Tuesday i found out from my friend Jared she was out with him and few of his friends last night as she was on a date with one of them so yeah that destroyed me. Its still a pain that it affected me so much. I was worrying before that of you know what if i meet up with her and she does'nt like me and stuff and ah yes my head was doing the rounds and just shit hit the fan i had no days off that week and so that frustrated me even more i was just losing my head you know. This girl seemed to like me and keen to me and we were talking like mad yet she went out on a date and shit. Fuck! I mean god damn it women if you do not like someone tell them before they get attached or maybe thats most womens fucked up plans huh? Get someone to like them then to fuck them over and go with someone else out of the blue!? Fuck man like seriously girls be like "all men are the same sexist pigs oh i hate em" WELL WE FUCKING HATE YOU FOR RIPPING OUT OUR HEARTS AND SQUISHING OUR BRAINS! We feel pain too you know its not a one way street pain gets everyone and it does'nt care about race or creed!

1 week til my tatoo and i am nervous but excited haha but also i am not really concentrated on it and well tbh i am not concentrated on anything i dunno whats happened to my head but its been like this since well just before July and its really bugging me i should be pumped for some stuff later this year but i am just like "meh" idek its needs a kick and a wake up ffs or what if its sorta like depression but it does'nt feel like it you know just feels like lights are on but no one is home and i am on autopilot and shit ah fuck knows man. Brains are fucking amazing but fuck me i aint got a clue about what evers going on.

I'd just like to add that i was really good at pool but as of late i am utterly shit!

I am tired and pretty drunk. Peace out as i am outta here.

Hello? Hello Mcfly!? Make like a tree and get out of here!